Breakfast was tensed.
It felt like a buildup of a volcano before it finally erupts, but it was different now because there was no explosion. There was only this heavy awkwardness and tension that latched onto us and didn't go away.
Kelly and I made breakfast. It's a light breakfast, and considering I wasn't up for anything, she did almost all the work while Cece set the table and put away the grocery bags into their respective drawers.
Jesse sat far away from me, and I welcomed the distance between us. I dreaded that one of them would pull a stunt to make us sit together, but fortunately, neither one of them attempted anything. The conversation that Jesse had with Jason last night overplayed in my mind and I gritted my teeth so hard I thought my teeth would snap and break. At least, that was how I felt. Like I was snapping and breaking.
Listening to Jesse talk to the others felt like a block of ice settling in the pit of my stomach. Suddenly, I could see all those times there was a barrier between us-Jesse had everyone's attention and I was struggling to fit into their little bubble.
But no, I was not that kind of person anymore. I was not hateful, just devastated and sad.
"Should we go out after breakfast?" Kelly was asking. "I still want to take you guys to the lake, and maybe have lunch there? We can come back in time for dinner and the jacuzzi party."
"Babe, I've never seen you this excited," Jason remarked, looking at his wife while his arm rested comfortably at the back of her chair. "Not even during our wedding. Come on, I agreed to let them crash our weekend getaway."
Jesse laughed, catching on, "So you didn't want us to come?"
Jason looked back at his best friend. "I'm still in my honeymoon phase, bro. When you get married, you will understand."
The block of ice grew, and my entire chest felt numb, but I was frozen and I couldn't move. If I moved, I might accidentally do it wrong. I might flip the table and bring back godzilla. I might blurt out something I would regret, or I might make a noise.
Cece nudged me. "You're not eating."
I startled and glanced at her. "Um, yeah. I don't feel like it." I dropped the fork and pushed the plate away from me, but it didn't go unnoticed by Jesse. I was not looking at him, but I could feel his piercing gaze on me. Before my cousin could say anything else, I pushed back my seat and excused myself from the table.
Cece followed me outside and found me sitting under a shade. Silently, she sat next to me and gave me a slice a donut while she munched on the other half. "So, what happened between yesterday and this morning?"
She was an excellent observer, I would give her that.
"Found out that Jesse is a total asshole, and you cannot defend him on this one." My voice sounded strangled.
"Iris, we are supposed to have fun. We came here to have fun and I'm so annoyed that you are having none of that." She gazed at me with a serious expression on her face. "Do you want to leave? We can totally leave right now if you say so and I don't care how they'd feel about it. They didn't care about your feelings when they decided to put you and Jesse under the same roof."
My bottom lip trembled. I gave her a nod.
I was tired. I didn't want to be here, and the longer I stayed back, the more I dreaded what's coming. It was easier to leave, to escape a looming doom.
Cece and I returned to our bedroom and packed our things. Thank god we only had a few things out of the suitcase, but we rushed to gather everything and make sure nothing was left behind.
That was how Kelly found us-rushing to put our things back into our suitcases.
She bristled.
"What are you doing?" she asked, alarmed, and confused.
It was Cece who answered, halting from zipping her bag to crack a smile. "Sorry, Kelly. Something came up, so Iris and I have to get back home."
"What?" My sister-in-law looked directly at me, but I avoided her eyes. I couldn't look at her. I felt so apologetic for doing this, but I couldn't stay here anymore. Feelings had seeped through the cracks and the nerves in my body would remain unrest if I forced myself to be here. The plan had been to get him back, but the plan now was to get far away from him as possible.
After I finished packing, I zipped up my suitcase and dragged it out of the bedroom. Kelly was a step behind.
"Iris," she called for me, but I kept going and didn't stop until I was in the living room. I've been known to be a bitch. I've been known to put my feelings above anyone else's. I hurt people before I allowed them to hurt me, and I pushed them away before they got closer.
Jason and Jesse looked up when they heard us. Jason sprang up in confusion when he saw my suitcase, but I refused to glance at him. Somehow, I was reminded of his participation, and I was reminded that he's loyal to his best friend. It's always been like that. Jason choosing Jesse over me.
"What the hell are you guys doing?"
I heard their footsteps, their murmurs, and their confusions, but I didn't stop. I head out before I heard Cece repeating the same excuse she told Kelly. I walked to her car.
I was putting my bag in the trunk when I saw them outside. A glance, and I saw Cece and Jason talking. Kelly was standing behind them, confused and sad. A lump lodged in my throat. I guess I could thank Jesse for making me feel uncomfortable being around them. Because of him, I hurt Kelly's feelings.
I slammed the trunk close. I grabbed the doorknob to open the door and get inside when a voice stopped me.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
Goosebumps spread all over my body as I turned around to face Jesse. I don't even remember seeing him walk up to me, but he was here, breaching my space. I wanted to step away.
"Didn't Cece tell you? An emergency came up."
"Bullshit," his reply came instantly.
I let go of the knob. "That's your problem."
"Why are you doing this?" He gestured to where the others were talking. "A plan was made," he bit out. "Kelly is excited. She made a whole plan for everyone to enjoy. She wanted to be closer to you, but what the hell are you doing? You're leaving and taking Cece with you." He stepped closer. I swear, I could feel angry breaths on me and he was not even in a close range. "Why do you always have to hurt people, Iris? Why are you so comfortable twisting people's hearts?"
It stung. I won't lie. It hurt a lot because it was the truth.
I caught his eyes, and they were unforgiving. They were pissed. He was letting out shallow breaths between his lips and his hands were fisted tightly.
"I don't have time for this." Like the coward I've become, I turned away to open the door when a hand wrapped around my forearm. Jesse tugged me away from the car and pulled my arm to lead me away. "Let me go," I said curtly. The last thing I wanted were his hands on me and my nose breathing in his scent.
"No, we are going to have a talk."
My eyes widened at the back of his head and I noticed he was leading me to his car. It made me panic. I tried to pull my arm free, but he looked back at me with a glare so cruelly it made my heart jump in my throat.
My hands were shaking and sweating when I was inside the car because it reminded me of the little time I had spent in it. It brought back the regretful memories I wanted to forget. Jesse didn't even spare me a glance before turning the ignition and pulling onto the road.
I didn't know where he was going. I didn't know why he wanted to talk. There was nothing to say anymore.
"This is literally considered kidnapping."
"Shut up." His anger was visible as the muscles in his jaw clenched.
The highway was deserted except for the trees that looked over us on the sides. Judging by how quickly everything flew past my window, I knew he was going over the speed limit.
"You can't just drag me wherever you want after basically treating me like trash." It was not a good choice of words and the whole sentence should not have left my lips, but there were out there and I couldn't take them back.
He seethed at my words while taking several heavy breaths, tightening and re-tightening his grip on the steering wheel. "You treated me like trash," he threw back.
"Because you deserved it."
"You don't?" He raised his brows as if he couldn't believe I would say that. To him of all people.
I was used to my mistakes thrown at me. I was used to feeling the lack of remorse that followed after. Not this time. This time, I had the audacity to flame in shame and embarrassment, but he was not looking at me so he doesn't know the state he's put me in.
I turned in my seat and looked straight at him. "If you recalled, Jesse, I handled it like a matured adult when I realized you didn't deserve some of the things I did and said. And I hated you because I was jealous that you took away all the attention of my family growing up." I crossed my arms. "But what did you end up doing? You burned my letters and started acting like an asshole. What happened to accepting apology?"
His voice was low, but bitter and spiteful. "You can't apologize and expect things to fall back into place."
"What's the whole point of apology, then?"
"You're really clueless when it comes to human feelings and interactions, huh?"
I tried to keep my voice calm. "I think I'm well versed on that. It showed me what assholes you and Jason are."
He sucked in his cheeks and continued down the highway. "And nobody tell you eavesdropping is the lowest of shit?"
My eyes bulged. "What?" My heart thumped wildly at his next words.
"I heard you last night."
That was all it took for my head to snap in his direction, any sound caught in my throat and my heart clenched tightly. I was not sure what's worse; that he heard me eavesdrop on them, or that I was sitting here trapped with nowhere to escape. I looked away, practically on the verge of hysterical.
"Can you please stop the car?" I asked politely, surprised words were able to come out of my mouth.
He glanced at me, but I didn't look back. Jesse doesn't say no to that. The tires screeched as he slammed on the brakes, veering to the side of the road. I scrambled out of the car and he hopped out at the same time.
"Why did you ask me to stop the car?"
"I couldn't breathe," I said, tears threatening. It was embarrassing to be like this in front of him. Even when he hurt me, I never allowed myself to crumble in front of him, but ever since he weakened me, I've been vulnerable consistently and I didn't like it. I hated it.
His eyes narrowed while my heart sank. "You're not suffocating, Iris." He approached, annoyance evidence in his eyes.
"Shut up."
But he didn't stop. With every step he took, I took one back. Until he pinned me against the car, wild eyes searching me. "You don't get to act like you're the only one who can't breathe. You don't get to act like you're the only one who hurts. You have no idea what it really feels like," he blurted out, jaw clenching. He was not touching me, but I felt him all over me. He breathed heavily, shaking his head. "What you're experiencing is nothing compared to what you put people through."
I let my gaze fall on him, lingering for so long I feared not coming back from it. "People, or you?"
He let out a bitter laugh. "Does it matter?"
"God, I hear you, okay?" My frustration sprang forth with every syllable. I dug my fingers through my hair, drawing back the strands and trying to free some knots, but my hand ended up falling limply at my side with a harsh exhale. "I know I've hurt a lot of people, that I've been a bitch, but I don't need you to constantly remind me of it every single time."
"What did you think you were going to hear? The opposite of that? I meant every single word I said," he said matter-of-factly, pinning me with a heated stare.
I swallowed. "It doesn't matter."
"It doesn't? Why?" I barely registered him inching forward, stalking closer as I tried to catch my breath. He stared me down, jaw clenched, eyes a sharp blade, emotions scattered in them. "Because you're going to act like people's feelings don't matter to you. Nothing matters to you as long as you get to be the one who hurts others, right?" His voice sounded like a hundred voices aloud. "You get off by inflicting pain and you ignore it. You bury it because you don't want to deal with anything-you never have," he accused. "But I'm not you." A shake of his head. "I don't hurt others and pretend it doesn't matter. I don't bury it and move on like I'm not responsible for their pain."
My voice broke off barely containing the tears that pooled in my eyes. "You sounded really happy saying all of those things."
"I'm not you," he repeated firmly. His voice never cracked like mine did. "I don't get off on hurting others."
My glistening eyes searched his. "Then why would you say all those things?"
Jesse reached up to cup my cheek and wiped the tear away with his thumb, warm on my skin. "Because I told you I have feelings for you and you fucked me up. I told you I've been running after you for years and you decided to be brutal." His husky whisper caused tingles to spread over my body. His lips were inches from mine, and his body radiated heat. "It hurts, doesn't it?" he goaded as needles pierced my heart. "You can't breathe and you can't stand to be near me. That's how I felt." He collected another tear in his thumb, staring at it like it was something foreign. "When I wanted to hold you, you pushed me away. I loved you...."
I didn't want to listen. I shoved him away and stalked off. Hearing him say that he loved me in a past tense tore through my heart and I couldn't listen to the rest of his words. I've heard enough of what he had to say about me. Jesse's arms darted out and circled around my body, trapping me from behind. I gasped for breath, paralyzed. His solid arms secured me, his breath hot against my hair as I struggled to move out of his arms.
"I've heard a lot from you over the years, Iris, and you will hear me out."
"I've lived with the idea that you hated me all my life, Jesse. You don't need to say it. I'm used to the feeling."
"The idea of something other than hate between us fears you, but you don't hate me now. No matter what I say or do, you can't hate me. If you did, you wouldn't be this upset. You wouldn't be running back home. A few mere words scared you, but what about me? I still haven't escaped from your harsh words."
My hands gripped his forearms, which were braced over my chest as I tried to yank them loose. He rubbed his cheek against mine, burying his nose into the crook of my neck as he tightened his arms around me. I shivered and held back a gasp, unknowingly tilting my head back to expose more of my neck to him. I registered the moment his sharp teeth sank into the skin of my neck and grazed over the flesh, making me bite back a groan.
Jesse nuzzled my neck, drawing up to my cheeks and then to my hair as if he was trying to imprint his scent on me, and when he sighed, it went right through my throat and a lump was stuck there. I couldn't swallow when his face moved from my hair to my cheeks, rubbing his face all over mine, going back down to my neck and inhaled me.
He let out another sigh that had my toes curling. Had me shifting in his arms and turning around to face him. Jesse still had me caged in his arms, and I sucked in a breath when our eyes met, my heart pounding like a mouse on a wheel. His lips were an inch from mine, and I could smell his mint breath.
"Don't," I whispered, my voice coming out pathetically, squeaky and barely audible.
Jesse's eyes searched mine with an amused smile. "If I kiss you right now, what does that make me?" His mouth dipped to the side and lightly grazed my cheek. "But I've never really cared for anything-not consequences, not how it would make me look, nothing. I've never played by anybody rules, and I usually take whatever is in my grasp."
His mouth only glided along my skin, leaving a delicious trail of desire and need. Down my cheek, his lips caressed my skin before moving across my jaw.
As his lips moved over my ear, he asked, "If I kiss you now, what's the point of promise I made to myself? I'm not one to back out from a promise, Iris."
His lips moved back over my cheek, inching closer to my mouth. "I wanted to touch you." His words were against my lips now. "Kiss you." His breath was on my lips. "Taste you like the first time I did." But he didn't kiss me. "Iris," he breathed. "You know, maybe too much damage has been done." He let me go and took a step back.
I felt the cold air skim over my body the second I lost his warmth. Twisting around, I fixed him with a blank expression. I didn't want him thinking he's got me affected in any way.
"You're right," I admitted. Finally, I was able to admit that. "What you and I have between us have always been built on pain. Hurting each other, getting away with it. Maybe we are not built for any other relationship. Maybe this is a sign. Me hurting you, you hurting me. The world is telling us we will never be friends, Jesse, or anything else. It's not our fault, is it? We can't fight fate."
His cool façade faltered, and he blinked. His dark eyes stared at me disbelievingly. "Since when have you believed in that bullshit?"
"It's not bullshit."
He huffed out a chuckle. "Yeah, okay."
I was annoyed. "I don't have time for this." I strutted to the car and placed my hand on the handle, sweeping my gaze to him. "Take me back to the cabin."
"Are you going to leave?" He arrested me with his question and gaze.
"Yes, because I have an emergency, Jesse. I know what you're going to say and I'm sorry that I ruined the weekend. I'm also not sorry because I knew that you were not going to join us, so really, the person who has ruined the weekend is you."
"You're lying. You knew there was a ninety percent chance I was going to be here. You used to uninvite yourself to any social event, Iris. Why did you come this time?"
"Because Kelly is my sister-in-law."
He snorted. "You didn't give a shit about relationships when you hurt your family, so don't start now what you have never preached before. Why did you come?"
There was a time when I would flip him off and cut off any interrogation from him. The time he didn't make me feel nervous to be in his present. Now his questions and his presence had me hyper aware of his lingering gazes, his smell, and his warmth.
Annoyed, I tried to brush him off. "If you want to call me a liar, then do it. I have nothing to say."
Jesse closed his hand over mine when I attempted to open the door. "Why did you come?" he repeated, moving in front of me to stare me down. "Iris, why did you agree to come?" He cupped my cheek with his hand, his fingers reaching my hair.
I blinked up at him. "You know why, so why do you want to torture me to repeat it?"
He brought his other hand up to cup my other cheek and moved in closer. His hands slid around the back of my neck and my breathing became shallow as his body pressed gently against mine. His eyes were on my lips as his face inched closer. Jesse was barely an inch from my lips, taking my breath with him.
When he rushed in and captured my lips with his, I sucked in a breath when he filled me with his intoxication. His arm wrapped around my waist and his other hand stayed buried in my hair. He clutched me tightly, pulling me to my toes, crushing me with his heat and warmth. This was everything I have ever wanted. Better than the first time he kissed me. I was too shocked then, but I was aware of him around me now, inside me, and all over me. I felt a deep ache within me that wanted to consume.
Jesse's tongue flicked under my top lip, sending shivers down my arms. I snaked my arms tightly around his neck and pressed into him. His mouth was hot against mine. Each of our breath was sucked away within seconds. He swallowed me and filled me.
"You've been the only one I have ever wanted, Iris," he whispered, his breath on my lips. "All those years I waited for you to look at me the way I want you to. All the times I'd see you, it drove me crazy. I wanted to touch you. Kiss the lips that has no kind words for me. All I have ever wanted was to be with you."
My heart zapped at every word. Made my stomach warm and my head dizzy. I would never tire of hearing him say he wanted me for years. He waited for me. All those years I had not seen him with a woman in his life, it was because he was waiting for me. My head reeled with that knowledge. I loved hearing that he's never hated me. That he was always been there, watching and observing, longing, and all I had done was take a bite at him. Jesse took my lips again in a deep kiss, my back pressed against the car.
But no.
I gasped and pulled back. His eyes drifted to mine, breathing hard and fast through his swollen lips. His expression became hard the longer he stared at me.
"You're doing it again, aren't you?" he accused, his words coming out like a block of ice. My lips parted and close, and he ripped away from me with a harsh laughter, running his fingers in my hair as he swept back his curls. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He turned away and tugged his hair in anger and disappointment.
I took a step toward him. "Jesse-"
"No!" He spun around so fast that I could barely register the moment he closed the distance between us and caged against the car. Dark, threatening eyes stared down into my terrifying one. "You don't get to do this again," he ripped out angrily. "You don't get to let me have a taste of hope, then take it away again, Iris. No." He shook his head, eyes wild and cold. Another dry laugh left his mouth. "You have no fucking reason to break my heart again. You don't get to kiss me twice, let me hold you in my fucking arms, then run away because you are afraid of being happy! You're afraid of committing to anyone-"
"I'm not afraid." My voice trembled.
"You are!" he snapped, breath heaving. "You-" He gripped the back of my head and forced our heads closer. The red rimmed of in his eyes, the heat in his breath made me tremble. "You were lying, weren't you? When you came to me and acted like you wanted me back, like you regretted what you did, you were lying."
I shook my head, tears pooling in my eyes. "I wasn't. I wanted-"
"Wanted?" he repeated, brows aching. "What changed your mind again, huh? Is it the same as the last time? Goddamn, Iris!" I yelped when his fist came down on the car. His breath fanned my hair. Jesse backtracked when he realized what he did, horrified by it. "I'm sorry," he muttered. I stare as he scrubbed his face.
He had never lost his temper before. This was the first time I had seen him lash out, and it twisted my heart. It twisted my heart because I was the one who did that. I was the hurt who hurt him all the time. He's given me more than he should, and I gave nothing back. My hands were shaking, so I locked them behind my back.
Jesse's head whipped around and he staggered back to the car. "I will take you back," he forced the words out, refusing to look at me as he opened the door. A few seconds later, he pressed the honk when I didn't move to enter the car.
My heart skipped a beat at the second honk, a lump forming in my throat. If I get inside the car now, he was going to drive me back to the cabin, and I didn't think he was ever going to allow himself to be vulnerable again. If I let him take me back, it would really be over between us.
I opened the door and get inside, but I didn't wear my seatbelt. He doesn't turn the engine on. The silence grew thick and intense.
"You're right about everything," I stated quietly. "Every time I wanted something, I get scared that I will end up losing it, so I sabotage it. You know me. All I do is sabotage the relationships around me. I know what I do is wrong, but I never seem to care. I'm selfish and cruel, and I never cared about your feelings. I never tried to," my voice cuts off and I exhale another breath.
I filled my lungs with a deep breath, feeling like I had suffocated all day. The cool wind from the window danced across my face and gave me a little more energy.
"You think you're exhausted? I'm exhausted. I'm tired of fighting with you and feeling like this. I'm sorry, Jesse. You got me wrong earlier. I wasn't trying to run. I've hurt you so much I didn't think I deserve you. It feels like all we do is hurt each other."
"Yeah," he croaked out, his voice hesitant.
"Makes you really think, huh?" I asked, pinning my gaze on him. "If we could ever give each other what we need. We have scars-"
"Scars tell stories," he interrupted, staring at me with hooded eyes. "They are reminders of what people have been through and how they survived it. It signifies the end of the battle, Iris."
"It's moving forward without looking back," I murmured, a smile on my lips.
He hummed.
It's moving forward without looking back.