Chapter 39: 38 • Broken

⚠ trigger warning towards the end of the chapter. no explicit violence, but the implications can be discomforting.

“You’re in high spirits,” Vincent observed as Eva sat down at the table and began serving herself dinner. “What gives?”

“What makes you think I’m in a good mood?” Eva asked with curiosity, ignoring the jump in her pulse. Why did she feel guilty? Had she done something wrong again? Was her seemingly being in a good mood irritating Vincent?

“All this food,” Vincent gestured towards the table, “you’re always happiest in the kitchen.”

Eva went quiet at that. There was something about the way Vincent said it that sounded like he was using kitchen as an insult – as if it was somehow derogatory for someone to find comfort in that part of the house. Had he always meant it that way? Eva had never thought so until now – not until just earlier today, Terrence had told her about how he knew baking was her happy place. Because her friend had recognised that part of her as something remarkable, but her husband thought it made her small.

“What do you mean, dad?” Lillian asked, speaking through a mouthful of food, “Mum always makes the best stuff.”

Vincent snorted and ruffled their daughter’s hair. “You’re always a mama’s girl.”

“It’s true!” Lillian nodded vigorously. “All my friends take a share of my lunch at school because they think mum’s cooking is the best ever!”

Eva’s heart raced. What? Did people – especially little kids – like what she made? Not just like, but thought that hers was the best? She didn’t dare smile.

“I know what my wife’s cooking is like,” Vincent rolled his eyes at their little girl, then turned to Eva. “You just went out of your way and made fancier stuff than usual.”

“I don’t know,” Eva shrugged, speaking mostly the truth. But she’d been feeling this sense of unexplainable joy – like she wasn’t so alone in this world – and that something inside her was floating. It was more than just meeting an old friend. It was running into Terrence, but also more somehow. She couldn’t explain it. It was like finding something after so long without ever having expected or asked for it.

“I’m not complaining,” her husband smiled, “I’m glad you’re feeling great.”

Eva smiled and nodded, looking down at her plate and away from his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you answer your phone though?” He quizzed, a slight frown marring his features. “I kept texting and calling.”

Eva’s stomach coiled and her eyes darted to Lillian, but her little girl was too engrossed in playing with her food and making explosion noises.

“I’m sorry,” Eva said, knowing that should always be the first words to come out her mouth when she’d upset him. “I didn’t hear my phone go off.”

Vincent shrugged and looked away, “I was just being worried, you know. You shouldn’t make me worry like that. What if I thought something had happened and then started panicking?”

“I’m sorry,” Eva repeated, more earnestly this time. Tears started to prick her eyes. “One of Lily’s teachers came to speak to me and I lost track of time. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t cry now,” Vincent’s voice was a soft murmur as he shifted in his seat and began running his thumb over the skin under her eye. His movements were so gentle, so tender – Eva couldn’t seem to associate this man with the one who was merciless towards her in times of anger. “I forgive you, okay? I know you won’t do that to me again – I trust you, right?”

Eva nodded, sniffling. “Right. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he leaned forward and kissed her, stroking her cheek in the process. “You won’t make that mistake again.”

The relief that he hadn’t reacted differently was so immense that Eva did want to cry, but out of gratitude. “Thank you,” she swallowed. “For understanding.”

“Of course, baby. I love you,” he kissed her again. “So very few men are as understanding as I am. You’re lucky that it’s me you got.”

“I know,” Eva mumbled under her breath. She’d said these words a thousand times before – but why had they begun to feel hollow since recently? “I love you too.”

-

It was later, while Eva was resting on the couch with Vincent in front of the TV, and Lillian playing with her dolls a few feet away, that Eva’s luck seemed to run out.

“Evelyn,” Vincent suddenly said, running his fingers through her hair, “you haven’t spent any of the cash.”

Eva frowned and glanced up at him from where her head was against his shoulder, “What?” She’d been dosing off, and her drowsiness was evident in her voice.

“The allowance that I leave behind for you,” he explained, his fingers still tangled in her hair. “I was just checking it, you know, like I always do – and I realised the amount was same as the last time I counted the cash. Didn’t you pay for the taxi back home from the school?”

There was this loud ringing in Eva’s ears, and her heart was thundering so pitifully in her chest she feared she’d have a seizure. “I – I didn’t take a taxi back.”

Please don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad.

“Oh?” He looked confused, and his fingers stopped running down her strands. Their grip tightened the slightest bit. “How did you come back home then?”

Please don’t be mad. “You know that teacher I told you about? The one that came up to talk to me? He offered to give us a ride back.”

“He?” Vincent picked up. “He?”

“Yes,” Eva answered in an even tone, not wanting to appear too frightened because he might mistake it for guilt and then go on to assume things.

“You let another man come home when I wasn’t there?”

Eva’s sleep had flown out of the window by this point. “No!” She sat up straight, raising her head from his shoulder and meeting his eyes with sincerity. “No, Vince, he just dropped us off at the front. He didn’t even get out of the car!”

“First he makes you ignore my calls and my texts, and then he brings you home?” Vincent’s voice raised as he curled his fingers into a tight fist around her hair, sending a flare of pain through her scalp. “Not just you, but my kid too?”

“Lillian is not just your kid!” Eva’s tone was vehement, almost ferocious – a tone she’d never dared use before.

“SHUT UP!” Vincent bellowed and he yanked hard on her hair to bring her face closer, then lashed out with his other hand to strike her cheek, causing her face to whip to the side. His reached for her throat, tightening his fingers around her neck and glaring down at her with venom in his eyes. “You will never speak to me in that tone! You will watch your mouth, you lying bitch!”

Vincent released his grip on her throat and Eva gasped, allowing herself to take in a lungful of air. Her throat burned and her vision was blurry with pain and tears – but by the time she regained her vision, she was met with the sight of a terrified Lillian.

Eva’s heart plummeted to her stomach. “Lily,” she choked out, and stood on shaking legs. “Lily, I –” But the minute Eva took one step in her daughter’s direction, Lillian dropped her dolls to the floor and ran away, tears streaming down the little girl’s face. Eva heard the door of her daughter’s room slam shut.

Eva sunk to her knees on the floor, and buried her face into the sofa’s seat. There was bile rising in her throat. This was happening all over again. Vincent had done what Tristan had eventually done – become okay with raising his hand in front of his child. How long before Vincent did what Logan had? How long before he inflicted pain upon Lillian? She knew the terror she’d felt seeing her mother at the mercy of both her father and Logan.

And it sickened her to her very soul that she had put her little girl through the very same fear.

Eva didn’t have it in her to face Lillian – not like this, not right now. She’d never felt so disgustingly helpless and weak before.

She felt feet move and then a weight settle next to her. “Evelyn?” Vincent called out softly, his hand stroking her hair again. “Baby, I’m so sorry – I don’t know what came over me.” She felt him press his face into her neck and kiss her there. “I love you so much, I… I didn’t want to hurt you, I’m so sorry.”

Eva pulled her face away from the sofa and wiped at her eyes, looking at her husband with a heavy heart. “You hit me in front of her!”

Vincent’s face fell, “I know, baby.” He blinked, looking like he was about to cry himself and Eva watched his eyes fill up too. His hands found her waist and then hoisted her up on his lap. “I just got jealous, you know how I am.” His hands ran over her face, wiping away her tears and pushing her hair away from her damp cheeks and neck. He kissed her forehead, “I love you so much, you know. Just the thought of you with someone else makes my blood boil.” He kissed one eyelid. “You belong to me, Evelyn. You’re my best-friend, my lover, my wife.” He kissed her other eyelid. “I can’t stand the idea of losing you… I can’t deal with some other man trying to take you away.” He kissed the bridge of her nose, “I would die without you, and you know that. There’s no me without you. And no you without me.” He pressed his lips to her mouth now, kissing her slowly, “I love you so much. So much.” He kissed her neck, “I’m insane for you – can’t you see that?”

Eva struggled for the words. Was this love? Was this the only kind of love to exist? Vincent seemed to love her to such a deep extent – but why was Eva always being hurt? Why was Vincent’s love always brining her so much pain? Or was it just that love meant having to live with the very worst of another person? Maybe Vincent loving Eva’s monsters meant that she was supposed to love his too.

If she wasn’t with him, was there any guarantee that someone else could love her just as much? Wasn’t love a once in a lifetime thing? She’d never meet someone who could love her so intensely and profoundly the way her husband did.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, baby, I swear,” Vincent pleaded again when Eva didn’t say anything. “I just get really scared when you keep things from me. I feel like you think I don’t love you enough… that’s not it, right? Don’t you want me anymore?”

“It’s not – that’s not…” Eva swallowed and reached up to rub her stinging cheek. “I didn’t want to keep it from you.”

“I know,” he said soothingly. “It was just a mistake on your part, right? Just like how I made a mistake now? I understand, babe. I forgive you for your wrongdoing. I would never hold it against you – that’s not what someone who loves you does.”

Wait, did that mean Eva wasn’t loving him right? Was that the problem? Had she allowed him to doubt her part in their relationship?

“I didn’t intend to do something behind your back,” Eva whispered, “I swear.”

“I’m glad,” Vincent murmured and kissed her slowly. “Is there anything else I need to know? I promise I won’t get mad. It only angers me when you’re being unfair – and if you tell me without me finding out in another way, I won’t find it unfair.”

“It’s that teacher she always talks about,” Eva said in a shaky voice. “That Mr Walker, you know?” She inhaled deeply, and then exhaled a breath filled with terror. “It’s apparently one of my old friends from school. Terrence. I think you might have seen him around once or twice.”

Vincent’s face gave nothing away but the confusion. “Terrence?” He said out loud. “The name seems familiar, but I can’t picture the guy.”

“A redhead,” Eva told him. “I only ever had two friends. Him and Maite.”

Something like realisation flickered across Vincent’s face. “Oh, you mean the one you got rid of?”

The words cut through Eva’s chest like a burning knife.

“For you,” Eva said in a small voice. “Because you wanted me to.”

“Because it was best for you, love.” His hands began running up and down her arms. “I always look out for you, don’t I? I’ve had your best interests at heart ever since then. You had no mother, no father, no one to tell you the right kind of people to have in your life. It was up to me to help you.”

“He was always good to me, Vince,” she said slowly. “I don’t think he’s bad.”

Something flashed in Vincent’s dark eyes but it was gone as soon as it’d come. “That’s because you don’t know people yet, babe. I used to see the way he looked at you back in school, or when you came and told me stories of your time spent with him – he wanted you all to himself, you know? I figured it out soon enough and saved you from him. You should be a little more grateful – you don’t know what he could’ve done if I hadn’t stepped in.”

Eva bit her lip, thinking back to Terrence’s words. He had admitted to liking her, hadn’t her? Was Vincent right? Had Terrence had other motives during school?

“He would have just used you and thrown you away, babe,” Vincent mumbled, moving his hands towards the back of her dress and pulling down her zipper. “He just wanted to have a piece of you.”

Eva flinched away from Vincent’s hands on her back. “No,” she slid off his lap towards the side and felt the cushion of the sofa underneath her. “I feel tired… please.”

“I just want to prove how much I love you, Evelyn,” he said sincerely, eyes burning into hers. “Let me show you.”

“Vince, please,” Eva’s voice was hoarse and scratchy. “Lily’s probably upset and scared right now. I just want to go and sleep next to her, okay? She needs me.”

“You can go to her,” he smiled, stroking Eva’s cheek and then his hand went further till it came to rest on her chest, before he pushed her down the sofa on her back. “But after we’re done.”

Frustration filled Eva now. “Vince, I told you. I’m tired.”

“And I told you,” he stressed, running his other hand up her leg and pushing the end of her dress up to her waist, “I’m going to show you there’s nobody else who can love you the way I do.”

Eva’s hand gripped Vincent’s as his fingers skimmed the inside of her thighs. “No, Vincent. Not tonight.”

Vincent dug his nails into her sensitive skin there, making her release a yelp of pain. His smile was apologetic, and yet, cold. “Baby, come on,” he whispered, settling down heavily on top of her. “I’m giving you my love and you’re rejecting it. And that too, right after you tell me about Terrence. What am I to think now?”

“I’m not rejecting you, Vince,” Eva breathed hard, panic flooding her insides. “Please. I’m just so drained tonight. I don’t want this.”

“Shh, shh,” Vincent cooed and kissed her lips. “You’re saying that because we fought, Evelyn. You think you don’t want this, but you do. You know you do.”

Eva shook her head, tears pooling her eyes. She tried to push off Vincent’s body, and when that didn’t work, she struggled to squirm herself out from underneath him. “I don’t,” she gasped, hitting a fist against his shoulder, “I don’t want this, Vince. Please.” She brought her fist down against him again, turning her head away. “If you love me like you say you do, please – please let me go.”

“I do love you, don’t you understand?” Vincent shook his head and grabbed her fist, tightening his grip on it. “It’s because I love you that I’m telling you to want this. You need to have to let me, Evelyn. If you don’t, it’ll only hurt for you. Don’t you see? Stop fighting me, babe. We’re married. We’re allowed to do this.”

“Vince –” Eva’s voice was so broken – she felt broken.

“I love you,” he murmured, “you’ll see.” His hand found her legs again, and the piece of clothing that kept her covered. He tore the fabric apart.

Eva forced herself to think of summer skies and beaches again.

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Written on; 12th May 2019

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