âItâs probably a boy,â Vincent said, smiling. âDonât you think, babe?â
Eva offered a tiny, shaky smile at him and her hand came to rest right on top of her stomach on instinct. There was someone in there, she realised, a life growing inside her.
It had been three days since her test results had proved positive and Eva was still waiting to wake up, to find herself back in reality. Maybe sheâd find herself seated on their dining table, with Vincentâs colleague Noah Morgan seated there with them along with Millie, his wife. Maybe sheâd find herself still digging into the cottage pie sheâd made and realise that sheâd just zoned off into space. Maybe sheâd find that she never really went to bed that night, that she never woke up the next morning to book an appointment with the doctor.
Maybe sheâd find that this was all some twisted dream.
She couldnât be carrying a childâ she simply couldnât. Never had it even crossed her mind that sheâd be a mother one day.
Was she even capable of being one? What was it, exactly, to be a mother? Was it to be Caroline Monroe, who taught Eva how to be the perfect woman? Or was it Maiteâs mum, who sang along to songs in the car radio?
How on earth was Eva supposed to be a mother?
She couldnât be a mother. No. No.
âIâ¦â her voice trailed away, words getting caught in her throat, all coiling together into a painful knot and suffocating her.
âMaybe we could name him Mathew,â Vincent went on, oblivious to Evaâs pale figure. âYes, it would fit right in with Evelyn and Vincent. Donât you think so?â
Eva closed her eyes for a brief moment, taking in huge breaths as she tried to make sense of what was happening, as if the entire universe would just hit pause and life would wait for her to catch up.
âI donâtâ¦â her mouth opened and closed, not knowing how to just say what she was feeling. Sheâd never been one for words growing up and it was all too sudden to start voicing out her emotions now.
But Vincent finally seemed to notice her distressed state and his eyebrows furrowed together as he cocked his head at her. âWhat is it?â
Eva opened her mouth once more, willing to try again, but words kept failing her. She just sat there, on the couch, with her lips parted and one hand resting on her belly while her other one gripped the armrest tightly.
âI donât know if itâsâ¦â she took in a shuddering breath, ââ¦a good idea, Vince.â
He frowned, lips turning down harshly at the corners like he couldnât figure out what she was trying to tell him at all. âDonât know what?â He asked rather impatiently. âSpit it out.â
Eva swallowed, completely at a loss and having no clue as to how he would react. She didnât want to say anything more now, not when she was unsure of what the outcome would be. But sheâd already initiated this conversation and he was staring at her expectantly.
âWell, Iâ I donât thinkâ¦â she clasped her hands in her lap, her palms sweaty and heart hammering away in fear of the consequences of her words. âIs it⦠aâ a good idea? Having a baby? I meanâ¦â
Eva swallowed audibly again, her mouth going dry when she saw the look of pure disgust and fury brewing a storm in his dark eyes.
âYou want to kill the baby, do you?â He asked, his voice steely and sharp enough to cut through diamonds.
All colour drained from Evaâs face and she felt the bile rise in her throat at his wordsâ the way Vincent had framed them was so achingly raw and brutal, it made her feel like an abomination.
âI am so disgusted with you,â he spat, walking forward and crouching down before her, his unforgiving eyes meeting her ashamed ones. âThis is why nobody else will have you, this is why! You have no good in you. Heck, it makes me sick to even think of itâ¦â As he went on stabbing her with his words, she felt herself grow smaller and smaller. With each twist of the dagger into her chest, she only felt the self-loathing grow worse.
What had gotten into her? Why would she even say something so cruel and despicable? Was Eva really that heartless?
âIâ I didnât mean⦠Iâm so sorry, I didnâtââ
His withering look put an immediate stop to any words that mightâve spilt from her mouth. âYou disgust me,â he said again, pouring all emphasis into each word before slowly rising up to his full height and walking away.
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Weeks passed and Eva really couldnât tell if the days had flown by or dragged on.
Before she knew it, she had reached the mid-pregnancy point of four and a half months, and had to do an ultrasound testing.
Eva couldnât be too sure of it, but deep down she did feel something. Like a part of her actually looked forward to discovering the gender of the baby⦠almost as she was even excited about it. It was a tiny part, but it was there.
It was there and it terrified Eva.
Sheâd tried to dismiss it, tried to convince herself she couldnât quite possibly care for something that wasnât born yet when she found it hard to even form attachments with any person beside her husband. But when the scan had failed to identify the babyâs gender and a wave of disappointment had washed over her, she realised that maybe the part of her that was growing used to the idea of having a child wasnât so tiny anymore.
But that only seemed to make her fear grow. What was Eva so afraid of anyway? The question kept her up at night on more than one occasion, her mind always spinning in an endless circle of why, why, why.
She was asked to come at a later date if she still wished to know if she was going to have a daughter or a son, somewhere around her seventh month of pregnancy when the ultrasound results would be much clearer. And despite herself, despite all the internal battling, Eva found a bubble of hope slowly inflating in her.
Hope. An emotion she hasnât felt in years. In eons.
And she was experiencing it again only now, due to a child she didnât even know yet. Due to someone she hadnât yet laid her eyes on, or heard speak⦠how was that even possible? This⦠this living, growing thing inside her womb was awakening so many long forgotten emotions inside her and it was hard for her to wrap her head around that fact.
Evaâs thoughts came to a stop at the same time the taxi sheâd been riding in from the clinic parked in front of the house she shared with Vincent. She got out of the vehicle, having to put a little more effort because of her bulging stomach, all the while thinking resentfully about how Vince hadnât accompanied her due to something that had come up at his workplace.
Eva quickly dismissed the thought, reminding herself that this was somewhat better. That she should be thankful. Ever since all those months back when she was declared pregnant, heâd become less aggressive with his actions. She no longer went to bed with new bruises atop her old ones or fresh cuts. However, she did notice that what he lacked in his actions he was making up for with his words.
His remarks and comments had only grown vicious, more malice than ever being poured into every single syllable that left his mouth. Eva wondered if it was his way of inflicting those cuts and bruises on her, just not in the physical sense of the way.
She wasnât complaining though, sheâd take the words rather than the actual physical pain her body had grown accustomed to but still hated. Maybe, she thought, just maybe, this pregnancy was a blessing in disguise.
Because even if her mind was left defenceless from Vincentâs cutting words, even if she was still unprotected in an emotional sense of the way, her body now had an armour.
Her body now had a baby inside her, an unborn soul that was protecting her physically in a way that no one could ever do for Eva before.
And perhaps that was the silver lining in all of this.
Perhaps Eva was finally reaching the end of the tunnel, and stepping closer to that welcoming light.
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Written on; 03rd September 2017
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Just to clear things up, the beginning scene of this chapter wasn't my attempt at shaming Eva's want to not have the baby. It was emphasis on the fact that pregnancies in a domestic violence situation usually tend to be this way. (Not always; usually.) Often the women don't feel ready, but are made to feel ashamed of their choice by their abusive spouse so they end up going through with the pregnancy anyway.