Eva was staring into nothingness, feeling like a cold fist was wrapped around the inside of her chest.
Fear. She realised it was fear. The heart-gripping kind.
Since she didnât have any lunch and made for Algebra II straightaway, she was the first in class and there was ample time till the teacher had to arrive.
She jumped when a bag landed heavily near her feet, but relief washed over her when she looked up to find Terrence claiming the seat next to her. But as soon as it had come, the relief vaporised, anger filling the void in Evaâs stomach instead.
Terrence was supposed to be there. He was always there by her locker. Why hadnât he been there today?
But why was Eva angry? Did she wish heâd been there to help her? Was it alright for her to want that? No. No, it wasnât alright. She didnât deserve protection. She had upset those students in some way, and she got what she deserved. It was only fair.
This was confusing Eva. She felt like her head was about to explode.
She knew she deserved it. But she also was angry that Terrence hadnât been waiting for her because if he had, Jessalyn and her group of friends would have probably just walked away. So what was it that Eva wanted, exactly? She didnât know.
âYou look really tensed,â Terrence observed, squinting at her. âWhat? You donât like Algebra? Or is it the teacher, Mrs Bartholov, that you hate? Cause, Iâve heard of her being strict but sheâs in no means a bully or unnecessarily mean ââ
âI really donât care, Terrence,â Eva muttered, sighing exasperatedly.
He blinked, obviously surprised at her abrupt interruption.
âWhy do you look so surprised?â Eva couldnât stop the question from tumbling out of her usually careful mouth. Sometimes her curiosity just got the better of her. She was always dismissing Terrence; always pushing him away. So why did he look taken aback now when she disregarded him?
âBecause I thought we were making progress,â he answered truthfully, his simple eyes boring into her troubled ones. âThat after all these years, maybe you were finally letting me in to be a friend.â
âI DONâTââ Eva caught herself quickly, cutting of her yelling halfway. She had been about to tell him for only the thousandth time that she didnât want friends. But she recalled the dinner conversation with Logan. She couldnât disobey.
She breathed heavily for several seconds, trying to calm the bubble of rage inside her. If she wanted people to like her, if she wanted to make friends, she couldnât be yelling at them right? She needed to please them. She needed to obey, didnât she? Only it felt odd to behave that way to Terrence after pushing him away for so long.
âSorry,â she quickly said through a tight throat, dismissing how uncomfortable she felt. This was what Logan had asked of her; her discomfort wasnât a priority.
Terrence blinked slower this time. âWhat? Did you justââ he pursed his lips before speaking again. âWhy are you apologising?â
âBecauseâ¦â Eva searched her head for what a right response should be. She needed to watch her words like she did with Logan. She had to say the right things; only then can she move with other people. Only then can they like her. âBecause, um, I shouldnât be yelling at you. I⦠it isnât⦠I shouldnât do that. I canât get angry.â
âOkay,â he nodded slowly, as if trying to understand her. âWhy canât you get angry?â
Eva was blinking rapidly, at an utter loss for words. âB-becauseâ I, uh⦠you, um, like you said, youâre supposed to be a friend andâ a-and, that means that⦠that you should be able to like me, right? Friends like each other.â
âAnd you think people wouldnâtâ you think I wouldnât like you if you got mad at me?â
Eva nodded. âIâ I need to be good, donât I?â she asked, pulling her brows together, cornflower blue eyes peering at Terrence in hesitance.
âAnd why do you think you showing your anger doesnât make you good?â he asked, bewildered. âGood people get angry too. Youâre allowed to show what you feel. Youâre allowed to have thoughts and emotions of your own, Eva⦠where is all this coming from? Did someone tell you youâre not good enough?â He looked angry, a look Eva had never seen on his soft face before. But she also knew the anger wasnât at her; Terrence seemed to be upset about something else.
Eva thought it was honestly fascinatingâ sheâd expected to upset him, the way she always upset Logan. But for the first time in so many years, she was directly in front of an angry face and the particular emotion wasnât directed at her.
âListen, you make friends by being yourself, okay?â he was telling her in a kinder tone, a small smile dancing on his lips. âThatâs how you get people to like you. By not being afraid to show your emotions and speaking your mind. Thatâs how the right people find you and stick by you.â
Eva shook her head. No. No, she was⦠she was a good-for-nothing. Maybe what Terrence said applied to other people, but she knew in her bones it wasnât the same for her. Why couldnât Terrence see that? She couldnât speak her mindâ she always said the wrong things. Logan got really furious when she said the wrong things. There were two teeth missing from the back of her lower jaw as evidence. That punch had literally knocked Eva off her feet.
âNo,â she argued decisively. âNo, I canâtâ I am not like you⦠or others. I donât get things right. I always do the wrong thing, okay? Iââ
âYou say nobody would like you for who you are?â Terrence spoke softly, looking at her earnestly. He lifted his arm and reached towards her face. Evaâs breathing faltered. Something was happening; she didnât know what. âBut, Evelyn, someone already does.â His forefinger travelled down the side of her cheek, along her jawline and all the while, the tenderness never left his touch or his gaze. âI already do. I liked the girl you were back in primary school and I like you just the way you are now.â
THUDâ THUDâ THUD. Evaâs heart was banging mercilessly against her ribcage. She couldnât breathe. No. NO. This was wrong. He was wrong; Terrence was completely and wholly out of his mind.
She slapped his hand away, glaring at him with such venom in her eyes. âYou donât know anything!â she spat, her hands shaking as she gathered all her materials, deciding instantly to switch seats.
Terrence looked crestfallen. âEva, Iââ
âYouâre wrong,â she told him vehemently. âYouâre wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! You know nothing. Youâre just as stupid as I am. Logan was rightâ heâs always right.â
âIâm not wrong,â Terrence said quietly, but his tone was firm.
âYou are,â Eva told him, the cold glare in her eyes still present as she stood from her seat and looked down at him. âYouâre weak. Boys donât act the way you do. Youâre not supposed to say stupid things. Youâre notââ
âWait, you think Iâm weak because Iâm gentle towards you?â Terrence looked positively horrified. âGoodness, Eva, listenââ But Eva didnât listen.
She hurried away to the furthest corner of the class, putting a good distance between herself and that insolent boy.
What did Terrence know? He didnât know of Loganâs iron fist, or his bone-crushing grip that always left bruises. Terrence didnât know of Evaâs skin being accustom to burns, bruises and gashes. Terrence didnât know of Evaâs ears knowing nothing but profanities, criticisms and condemnation. And Terrence most certainly didnât know of Evaâs existence being treated with negligence, cruelty and inferiority.
Nobody knew.
And nobody will ever know. They wouldnât know as long as Eva believed in her bones and in her mind and in her heart that she deserved it.
Why else would she have been the one caught in Loganâs sights, if not for fact that it was something about her that drew him in? It was something about her that fed the rage inside her stepfather. Something about her and her alone.
It was her fault and she needed to pay for it. Nobody was going to tell her otherwise, certainly not some boy with red hair and pale blue eyes who thought Eva was worthy of kindness.
Eva wasnât worthy of her own motherâs love and protection. Who the hell was Terrence?
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Written on; 28th April 2017
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Idk, writing this chapter made me sad. I hate how low she thinks of herself :( and how she shuts out Terrence cause he's the first male to probably touch her with gentleness rather than violence :/
Now I'm making myself even sadder, ugh
Anyway, thanks for sticking around guys :')
Xoxo