Chapter 11: Chapter 11: Here Comes the Bride

I expected Gomes to escort me to Cassian’s Throne room, but instead, he led us to a place I couldn’t describe any other way than a cheap knockoff of the Knights of the Round Table. There was a huge circular oak table in the center of the room, and around it sat King Cassian, Poofy Pants, and maybe a dozen other gentlemen with impressive beards and fluffy garments.

It was a neat set-up, but I noted multiple empty seats around the table. I recalled Gomes mentioning how those assassins from the other day had killed several members of the royal court. I shivered, hoping this wasn’t the room where the murders had taken place.

“Our troops have been beaten back at nearly every front,” said a gravely-voiced man with a cool-looking eyepatch, “I’ve consolidated what remains of our forces around the castle, but if anyone makes a serious attempt at Praedones, it’s going to be a heck of a fight.”

“Then we should strengthen our defenses and begin preparing for another siege.” Replied King Cassian, rubbing his eyes and stifling a yawn.

“But do we even have the resources to withstand a prolonged attack?” Asked a long-nosed noble who was almost completely bald, save for a few loose strands of gray hair covering his shiny forehead. “Winter is quickly approaching, and most of our food reserves have already been used to feed what remains of our knights.”

King Cassian tugged at his beard, something I assumed was a calming habit. I noticed several large bags under his eyes, possibly even more than when I’d first met him. Poor dude must be extremely overworked. Maybe I should try and create melatonin to help him sleep better. I could call it magical sleep juice or something.

Gomes cleared his throat when there was a lull in the conversation. All eyes turned towards him and then flicked over to me, expressions cycling through various levels of fear and, strangely, relief. Poofy Pants glanced around the room to make sure no one was looking at him and stuck his tongue out at me; I barely suppressed the urge to flip him off.

“Your witchiness, welcome.” Said Cassian, giving me a tired wave. “Please, take a seat.”

“Uh, if you don’t mind,” I said, walking over and taking a seat on one of the metal chairs, “you can just call me Piper.”

“Right, you said that yesterday,” replied the king with a tired nod. “We invited you here to the meeting of the royal council because we need to learn more about the extent of your magical abilities.”

“Sure, what for?” I asked, realizing I’d probably need to lie my pants off before this meeting concluded.

“You may have heard as you walked in, but we are currently fighting a war on multiple fronts and losing badly.” That was the eyepatch guy. He was staring at me intently with his one good eye, looking me up and down like he was trying to figure out my tactical usefulness.

Cassian nodded, “And if it wasn’t mentioned yesterday, my kingdom has the great misfortune of being situated smack-dab in the center of several other larger, warring nations.”

Eye Patch Guy growled an affirmative. “Not only is our kingdom rich in resources and farmland, but we would also give a large tactical advantage to any kingdom that claimed our territory.”

I nodded, pretty sure I was understanding the situation. It sounded like Praedones wasn’t necessarily hostile to these other nations; they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. “And you guys need an edge?” I asked.

Both men nodded. “Precisely,” replied King Cassian. “And that’s where you come in.”

Y’know, when Cassian had asked me to become his kingdom’s royal witch, I probably should’ve expected that something like this would happen. I’d been hoping he’d just want me to mutter some magical nonsense from time to time and whip out my flashlight to try and summon rain for his crops, but I guess I’d be needed in a more involved way. Okay, time to make something up.

“I have access to sun and sound magic,” I replied, thinking back to my flashlight and Bluetooth speaker. “And I’m currently attempting to learn lightning magic.” And by lightning, I meant creating electricity with lemons; not sure how useful that would be in an actual battle.

“What about your dragon?” asked Eye Patch Guy, still staring at me with his one good eye

I thought back to my dying phone battery. The second my phone had notified me of being on low power, I’d shut it off and hadn’t touched it since. Worst-case scenario, I could use my phone again, maybe even a couple of times, but I wasn’t sure how long the charge would last. “Summoning a dragon requires a lot of magic,” I replied, trying to sound mysterious, “It’s not something I can do very often; I wouldn’t rely on it except in a worst-case scenario. Also, I can only summon it at night.” Mainly because my homemade movie projector wouldn’t work in broad daylight.

“You can’t summon the dragon on demand?” Sneered Poofy Pants, “What if we get attacked during the day? You’ll be next to useless!”

Cassian shot Poofy Pants a hard look to shut him up, but I could tell everyone at the table was disappointed by the news. It sounded like they had been hoping I could summon a dragon to defend the kingdom 24/7.

I felt a slight sense of dread settle into my stomach as I thought about the situation I’d found myself in. It was clear that Praedones was having a rough time and was probably going to get conquered pretty soon by a bigger and better-equipped kingdom. Hopefully, I could make it back home before anything serious went down.

“Well, that’s far from ideal,” said the king in response to my prior statement, “but at least we’re aware of that limitation ahead of time. I am curious, though; I think I comprehend the basics of sun and lightning magic, but what does sound magic do?”

Oh wow, another question I have no idea how to answer; better pivot the conversation. “I’m more than happy to use my magic in aid of your kingdom,” I replied, “but have you considered other methods?”

“Other methods?” Asked Poofy Pants, staring at me suspiciously.

I nodded. As Gomes and I had walked through the castle, I’d spotted a couple guys making goo-goo eyes at me. I’d been quickly reminded that the middle ages kind of sucked for women. “Is Princess Melanie married?”

Everyone stared at me in shocked silence, and then, all the men in the room burst into laughter, everyone except for King Cassian, who stared sourly down at the table. “My daughter is still waiting for the right man.” Muttered the king, clearly unhappy.

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I frowned. I had been the female lead in a jousting musical back in elementary school, and if the play about singing knights and mob-boss dragons was historically accurate, royalty was often traded between kingdoms to form alliances and peace treaties. Maybe Princess Melanie could be married off to one of the kingdom’s enemies. I seriously doubted she’d be into the idea of an arranged marriage, but I was also pretty sure the princess would agree that it beat the heck out of dying.

“I know it’s a little old-fashioned,” I began, “but maybe Melanie could be married off to one of these neighboring kingdoms to secure a peace treaty. If not to your enemies, maybe to a neutral kingdom, and you could pool your resources.”

Cassian shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. “I assure you, Piper, we’ve attempted every means possible to achieve a peace treaty, including royal marriage. Unfortunately, my daughter is a bit–”

We were interrupted by the sound of trumpets, uh, trumpeting loudly outside. I jumped in my seat, startled, but everyone else just looked tired, especially Cassian. “He’s here early,” mumbled the king under his breath.

XXX

We exited the castle and headed towards the kingdom’s entrance; the metal gate had already been raised, and several armored men on horseback were trotting into the city proper. The horses were well-groomed and draped with red and gold, a pretty color combination that popped against the gray and brown of Praedones’ walls and houses.

Riding at the front of the entourage was a man who I could only describe as utterly gorgeous. Imagine your favorite male model/boyband member and then give him muscles and put him in a fancy suit of armor. He flashed a flawless smile, hair flowing in the breeze, a goatee the only dark spot on his peerless complexion. “Who’s the tall glass of water?” I whispered to the king. When Cassian and the other nobles had exited the castle, they hadn’t explicitly told me to come with them, but they hadn’t said no either. And me being my nosy self, I had invited myself along.

“Lord DripBussin,” boomed King Cassian, his face suddenly breaking into a massive grin. He ignored my question and strode forward to meet the man.

“Mrs. Piper DripBussin,” I whispered, testing out the name. I shook my head, nah, that’d never work.

“Trust me, you’re not his type.” Snickered Poofy Pants.

I whipped around, cheeks turning crimson. Had Poofy Pants heard that? I had to stop monologuing aloud.

Lord DripBussin (Or LDB for short) dismounted from his majestic steed and flipped his even more majestic hair in the breeze. “Your majesty,” said LDB, giving the smallest of nods to the king. “It is a pleasure to see you in person once again; we have traveled far to meet with you and my future bride.”

I perked up; future bride?

“Unhand me, you castrated cretins; the day I get married is the day I die!” Turning back to the castle, I saw an indignant Princess Melanie thrashing and flailing as three burly knights dragged her into the courtyard, struggling to restrain her. The princess wore a beautiful yellow wedding gown, which contrasted starkly against her jet-black hair and snarling face.

“Is that her?” LDB stared at Princess M, face aghast.

“Oh, she has a marvelous personality!” Said Cassian, taking LDB’s hands and stretching his smile even wider. “I assure you, the princess is not only a looker; she is fertile and ready to bear children for your kingdom.”

“Death to all who oppose me!” Screech Princess Melanie, producing a knife from somewhere in her dress and attempting to stab one of the knights

“Well, she certainly seems feisty,” said LDB with an appraising grin. “With a mother like that, I’m sure our children would be terrors on the battlefield.” I blinked in utter shock. Was he somehow into this? Guys are weird.

Princess Melanie was finally dragged over to our group. The knights reluctantly released her, but they stood at the ready a few feet away, prepared to intervene if she tried to make a break for it.

“Princess Melanie, I presume?” Cooed LDB, giving a deep bow and a flourish with his right hand. “I’d heard tales of your great beauty, but it seems those stories did not credit you enough.”

“Points for originality,” Said Melanie, rolling her eyes, “You’re the first prince in about a month who’s opened with that line.”

LDB’s gentlemanly smile faltered just a hair, but he quickly regained his composure. “I brought you a present, my love.”

One of the men riding with LDB reached into a bag attached to the lead horse and brought out a beautiful bouquet of yellow flowers. “You’re well-known all across the land for your beautiful yellow dresses,” continued LDB, admiring her gown, “these flowers will only serve to highlight your natural charm and grace.”

Melanie took the flowers, stared at them, and then stuffed them in her mouth, flower petals flying everywhere. I’m not sure who looked more horrified by the display, LDB or King Cassian.

“First off, I hate the color yellow.” Replied Melanie, mouth overflowing with flower petals, “And second, I don’t care how handsome you are; I’d rather drop dead than waste another second of my time with a vain, pompous aristocrat like yourself. You’re nothing more than a snotty child who never had to struggle for anything a day in his pampered life. Get out of my face and out of my kingdom.”

LDB’s face went white as a sheet. He stumbled back a few steps, clutching his chest as if the Princess had stabbed him. “Your grace, are you alright?” King Cassian rushed forward and helped to steady LDB. “The Princess is such a jokester, isn’t she?” The king laughed, looking like he was listening to his personal funeral dirge. “Perhaps the two of us should discuss the wedding arrangements somewhere more private?”

LDB shoved Cassian aside, face going from stark white to blood red. “You’ve made an enemy of me, Cassian!” Shouted LDB, chest heaving with anger, “And an enemy of my entire kingdom.” LDB mounted his horse and pointed an accusatory finger at Princess Melanie. “No one speaks to me that way, ever!”

Melanie stuck out her tongue in response, that probably wouldn’t help things. LDB ground his teeth in undisguised rage. He swept his gaze over the town square. “All of you shall rue the day you slighted Lord DripBussin YoloSwag OnFleek the 69th!” And with a final swish of his cape, LDBYSOF69 and his entourage galloped back past the drawbridge and out of the kingdom.

“No, come back!” Cried Cassian, running after them, “We can make this work; please don’t go!” Cassian stumbled as he ran and collapsed to his knees; he pounded the cobblestone beneath him with his fist, wailing in anguish.

“If we’re done here,” said Princess Melanie to no one in particular, pulling out a knife and slashing the few remaining flowers in her hand to ribbons, “I’ll be sulking in my chambers.” Then, without another word, Melanie stuck her nose up in the air and skulked back towards the castle; no one tried to stop her, no one said anything, we all just stood there.

“Well, that couldn’t have gone much worse,” I finally said. Knowing that a quip probably wasn’t appropriate, but felt a need to fill the awkward silence.

“That’s the third kingdom that’s declared war on us this month,” mumbled Cassian, not making any moves to pick himself off the ground.

“See you all real soon!” shouted LDB as he and his men galloped away. I didn’t like how ominous that sounded, and was beginning to think Cassian should stop attempting these marriage alliances; they seemed to be doing more harm than good.

Realizing how utterly screwed this kingdom was reminded me that I still needed a way back home. “Hey, your majesty!” I called out, running over to the king. He grunted in response, staring directly at the ground.

“I was wondering if you happened to have some lemons anywhere that I could borrow?” I said, kneeling down next to him and flashing a friendly smile.

“Lemons?” he asked, still staring straight down. “What for?”

“It’s for a magic spell I’m working on,” I lied, “If I can get access to some lemons, it’ll help me to better protect the kingdom.”

“I don’t have any.” said the king flatly.

“Oh,” I replied, slightly disappointed by the response; crushed might be a more appropriate descriptor. “Why not?”

“For one, it’s almost winter,” said the king, motioning to some yellowing trees in the courtyard, “plus, neither the princess nor I care for the taste, so we don’t typically keep many in the feasting halls.”

Okay, so I was quickly running out of options for how to fix my laptop. Maybe I should see if Thomas understood the concept of solar energy.

“However, if you need lemons,” continued the king, “There is one noble family within my kingdom who adore the things.”

I perked up; I was still in the game. “Wonderful,” I said breezily, “Would you be able to provide me with an introduction?”