Long time no see beautiful people, happy reading.
Andrew's P.O.V.
I got a letter from the state yesterday. They somehow caught wind of the restraining order and the bullying charges. They are ordering a mandatory check-up to ensure I am still a suitable guardian. Apparently, it doesn't look good when your kid is groped and almost dies within six months; who knew? I have no idea how they even found out about the bullying. The school denied those charges as soon as I filed them, leaving me with nothing to do about my baby being terrorized. If I had to guess, I would assume Finn's parents have something to do with the letter sitting on my nightstand. Because how dare I try to press charges when their son almost kills mine.
Ever since I read that damn letter, I have been on edge. Of course, I know that everything is most likely going to be fine, but my brain doesn't think rationally when it comes to the boys. I need them as much as they need me. I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't trip over Jack's backpack every morning or if I didn't spend my weekends at Ryan's games. I would even miss having to cook an extra meal every night because Denver is so damn picky. My life wouldn't be complete without my three boys.
That's why when Denver told me that after school, I flipped my shit. All I could think about was that letter. We didn't need anything else going wrong. I can't risk the state taking the boys. Lately, I feel like I am losing control. I feel like I don't even know them anymore. I have been so busy trying to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs that I forgot to actually talk to them along the way. I have met their physical needs, just not their emotional needs, and I feel like shit. Andrew from a year ago would have hated me, but he also didn't see his baby brother almost die in his arms.
I needed air. I was going to blow up if I didn't get out of that house. The loss of control was causing me to be on edge all the time. Not saying that is an excuse for making Denver look so broken. There's no excuse for that. It's like the rage and stress blinded me for a minute, and I just said whatever came to mind, not thinking about the effect my words had. I know I yelled at Ryan and told him I could parent without him, but that's a total lie. I couldn't do this without Ryan. He keeps me sane. He's my reasonable side of me, usually. Today I apparently don't have a reasonable side. Don't get me started on Jack's fucking comment. He's right, though; sometimes, I act just like our father. Whenever I took guardianship over the boys, I told myself I wouldn't be like him. But I couldn't tell you the last time I hugged any of the boys, not counting when Denver flung himself at me earlier. I haven't initiated affection in so long. I need to get my shit together, or I will become my father, and that's the last thing I want. But maybe you just can't stop D.N.A.
I don't know how long I have been sitting in my truck. I'm just sitting in the driveway, thinking about how much I fucked up today. I wish I could just start today over. I have to go in and apologize to the boys. Now that I have calmed down, I see that I was way out of line. Opening my truck door, I start to walk back into my houseâa house filled with my three boys that probably hate me now.
As I walk in, I shut the door softly, almost as if I don't want them to know I'm here. I hate stepping on eggshells with them, but I only have myself to blame for that. I don't hear any of them, which is to be expected after my one-man performance. My first thought is to find Denver and apologize. I need him to know how sorry I am. It's like I'm suffocating under all this guilt. With one thought in mind, I walk up the stairs and head for Denver's room.
The door is all the way open, which is odd for him. I feel a pit start to grow in my stomach. Call it parents intuition, but something doesn't feel right. Once I've made it to the door frame, I take a quick look around the room. There's no Denver. Denver Isn't in here. His room is just how he left it this morning. His bed is unmade, and the navy sheets are a mess. The salt lamp on his bookshelf that he uses as a night light is still on, even though I've told him time and time again to turn it off before he leaves. His school clothes are still piled on the floor in front of his desk. Everything in here screams "Denver," but he's nowhere to be seen. Panicking, I race out the door and head to my room on the off chance he might be in there seeking comfort. Sometimes when he's had a bad day, he will come and lay in my bed with me. Sometimes he even sleeps there; I don't mind in the slightest.
He's not here either. I should have known he wouldn't want comfort from me; I'm the reason he needs comfort. The pit in my stomach just keeps growing by the minute. I run back down the stairs to check the living room and kitchen. Maybe he was still there, and I missed him when I came in. After checking all of the rooms downstairs and finding no Denver, I start to full-on panic. The only other place he could be is in one of the other boys' rooms. I can't believe I didn't check there first. Of course, he would be cuddling with Jack or Ryan by down. I feel so stupid. My intuition is haywire today. Feeling my anxiety calm, I walk back up the stairs and go straight for Ryan's room. I knock on the door since we are on rocky terms right now.
"Denver, baby, is that you?" Ryan asks through the door in a soft voice.
Shit, that means Denver isn't with Ryan. I can feel my anxiety start to build back up.
"Um..no, It's Andrew. I was looking for Denver," I say, scratching the back of my head. After I find my kid, I need to fix the mess I made. I hate the awkward tension between us.
"What do you mean looking for him?" Ryan questions, the soft tone leaving his voice altogether.
"I mean, he's nowhere in the house. I was hoping he was with you," I answer honestly.
I hear shuffling behind the door, and before long, a disheveled Ryan opens the door. His eyes are red, and he keeps sniffling. He's been crying. I caused two out of three brothers to cry, fucking fantastic job, Andrew. My mind can't handle all this at once; between the letter, Finn Hall, and my outburst earlier, I just want to crawl in a hole and never return. I feel tears prickle my eyes, but I push them back. I need to find Denver before I break down.
"Andrew, you're freaking me out. Have you checked Jack's room?" Ryan asks, concern filling his eyes once he notices my tears.
"No, not yet. I figured you were my best bet." I answer, wiping my bottom lash line. I need to get a grip. Fixing my mess and the boys are my main priority. I can deal with me later.
"And you've checked everywhere else?"
"yes, even the guest rooms and bathrooms,"
"Shit, okay. I'm sure he's in here with Jack. You know he sometimes just needs a Jack hug," Ryan says, cursing. I'll let this one slide. I don't have the energy to focus on something so minuscule right now.
Not saying anything, we walk toward Jack's room, which is just across the hall. Ryan doesn't knock; he just barges in. You don't mess with us when Denver is involved.
"What the hell Ryan, maybe knock next time. I could have been jacking off or something," Jack says from his beanbag in front of his T.V. He loves that damn thing. More times than not, I find him asleep in it with an Xbox controller in his hand.
"At 5:00 P.M. Jack? Get a life. Do you know where Denver is?" Ryan asks, not entertaining Jack and his shit, which he usually does. These two play argue more than any two people I have ever met. It must be their love language.
"Denver? I thought he was with you. I figured he would want to cuddle with you," He answers, pausing whatever he was watching. Putting his full attention on Ryan, completely ignoring my existence. I deserve that one, though.
I feel my blood run cold. This was my last hope of finding my baby. If he's not in here with Jack, then where could he be.Not being able to hold back anymore, I start sobbing. This week has been too much. I can't handle this. I don't know what to do anymore. Raising three boys is more complicated than it looks. I thought I could do this, but maybe I'm not fit for this role. Maybe they would be better off with someone else. I obviously can't cater to both their physical and mental health. I mean, hell, look at what has happened to Denver. I don't want to lose them. I can't. They are all I have left. I have fucked everything up. I've completely lost their trust, and now they might get taken from me. There is no way in hell the state would let me keep them if I add a disappearance/kidnapping to my already amazing track record. The thought of not knowing where any of the boys are makes me sick. I remember when Denver got lost at the airport. I thought I was going to have a stroke. This time is no different.
"What is going on? Where is Denver?" Jack asks, sounding scared. His eyes are shifting from my teary ones to Ryan's.
"I'm not entirely sure, Bub," Ryan answers for me because, at this point, I have been crying so hard, I'm starting to gag.
I need to be strong for them, but I can't seem to find the strength. I'm so tired. Why can't we catch a fucking break?
"God, I fucked up so bad. I never meant for this to happen," I say, my voice hoarse and tears still streaming down my face.
"We know. Let's just find him. One thing at a time," Ryan says, always the sensible one.
"Okay," I answer.
"let's all search the house one more time and then meet back in the kitchen," Ryan orders, leaving little for discussion.
We all split up into different directions. I take mine and Denver's rooms since they are close together. Being in Denver's room makes me start to cry again. Please let my baby be okay; I beg to whoever is listening.I check the bathrooms and even the hall closet, but there is no sign of the dirty blonde. Making my way down the stairs, I see Ryan and Jack standing at the island.
"No luck?" Ryan asks, starting to get a glossy look in his eyes. I just shake my head.
"Um, alright. Any ideas where he would go?" Ryan asks, apparently taking change which I am totally okay with right now.
"Austin's?" Jack questions
"Jack, you're a genius," Ryan says, giving him an overdramatized kiss on his forehead that he wipes off immediately. This puts a slight smile on my face. I know Ryan is just trying to calm Jack down. "Why don't you call him and ask if Denver is there?" Ryan says to Jack.
I'm not really helping much. All of my focus is going to trying not to breakdown again.
"Okay," Jack says and starts calling Austin. One one-sided conversation later, Jack is putting his phone down, close to tears again. "He said he hasn't seen him. He sounded freaked out. I don't think he's hiding Den. He's on his way now." Jack answers our silent questions.
"Fuck," Ryan mumbles under his breath. "Should we call the cops? I don't know where else he would be," Ryan asks us.
"No!" I say, making a sudden outburst. All I can think about is that damn letter.
"And why the hell not?" Jack asks, getting mad again.
They are both looking at me like I've lost my mind, and maybe I have. It's not that I wouldn't call the cops. I would rather him be safe even if it's not with me. It's just I want more time. It needs to be a last resort at this point.
"I know that this isn't really the time, but I haven't been completely honest. Well, more like I have been withholding information. I got a letter from the state; they are making a mandatory check-in sometime soon. They have caught wind of our recent...predicaments," I say, just going ahead and dropping the bomb on them. I can't handle any more secrets right now.
"How long have you known?" Ryan asks, a fire behind his eyes.
"Just a day. I wanted to tell you all, but there wasn't ever a right time. Then Denver told me what Finn did, and I just snapped. I have been so stressed about the letter, and just hearing Finn Hall's name made my blood boil. I'm sure his bitch ass parents have something to do with it. I don't know how the state can know about bullying charges that were denied," Once I start talking, I can't stop. I need to get this off my chest.
"It's no excuse, but I get it, Andrew. Maybe try talking with us first. We know that you have been under a lot of stress lately, and we know it because of us. I know that parenthood is a lot for you to handle, especially all at once. We are in this together, Drew. Next time don't bottle all this shit up until you explode. that obviously doesn't work in our favor." Ryan explains, saying all the words I didn't know I needed to hear.
"Yeah, Ryan's right. You're doing your best. That's all we can ask." Jack says, smiling softly at me when he catches my eyes.
I feel tears start to well up in my eyes again. My sweet boys always know how to make me feel better. My newfound fatherhood might be the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is the best decision I have ever made. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Smiling, I just grab both of them and bring them into a hug. Feeling better about the situation, I cut the hug short. There will be plenty of time for cuddles when we find the baby of the family.
"Okay, boys, let's find Denver Blake," I say, ruffling both heads of hair.
"Has anyone tried calling him?" Jack asks, pointing out the obvious
.
"No," Ryan and I answer at the same time. All three of us pull our phones out and start calling. Our hopes are soon crushed because we hear a phone ringing off the hook in what sounds like the living room.
"Why wouldn't he just come to me? Why run off?" Ryan asks, on the verge of breaking down. "I would have done the same thing if I was in his shoes. I would have had to get out of here." Jack says, always the honest one.
"But it's Denver," Ryan says, thinking that is enough of an explanation.
"Yeah, and he's sensitive. He knew we were both mad and didn't want to bother us. He can't handle it when we are mad, even if it's not at him," Jack explains, he might try to play cool and pretend he doesn't care, but that's the furthest thing from the truth.
Just as Jack finishes talking, the front door swings open. We all lift our heads quickly, hoping it was Denver.
"Have you found him yet?"
It was Austin.
Sighing, we all shake our heads. Not that we aren't happy to see him, we just want Denver home and safe.
"I guess we need to spread out and check the surrounding areas then," Ryan suggests with his head hung low.
"Before we do, Austin, do you know where he could be?" I ask, hoping he will have some insight.
"No, I racked my brain the entire way over here," Austin says with a frown like he's upset with himself because he doesn't know.
"That's okay. It was worth a shot," I say to reassure him.
"Andrew and Austin can take the truck and look for him a couple streets down, while Jack and I will look close to home on foot," Ryan says, thinking of a quick plan.
We all just nod.I walk to the table in the entryway to grab my keys. I can't believe I need my keys to look for my kid. Jack and Ryan are behind me, slipping their shoes on, while Austin quickly uses the bathroom. The backdoor opening makes all of us turn our heads in the direction of the noise. We all stop what we are doing and step closer to see the doors that open up to the pool. I let out a breath I have been holding since I walked into the house an hour ago because standing in the kitchen is Denver Blake in a hoodie that's way too big for him and no shoes.
A/N~ Thank you all for the patience and the sweet comments on the last update, it truly means the world to me. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, it's a long one. It's also completely in Andrew's P.O.V, which is new. Stay hydrated people, until next time ð