After mine and Jake's reconciliation, he started sitting by Liv and me during lunch. It was honestly a nice show of solidarity, but I also knew he had nowhere else to sit.
Jake told us that he had essentially cut out almost all of his friends because of the way they talked about Josh and me. He had also broken up with Rylee, which Liv and I agreed was for the best. She was pretty and all, but...that was pretty much the only positive thing we could come up with to say about her.
Jake told me that Sophia was saying how she didn't want to "take sides," which basically meant she didn't want to stand up for me, ergo she did not take my side. Weirdly, it was as though our friend group went through a divorce, and I got to keep the kidâJake.
Unfortunately, once he started sitting with us, rumors began circulating that Jake and I were now dating, which couldn't have been further from the truth.
To make matters worse, once, when we were standing next to each other at my locker, some students passing by gave us weird looks and whispered to each other. In response, Jake grabbed my hand and shouted at them, "Oh, yeah, get a good look, fuckers! You know you're jealous! You wish you knew a love as deep as this!"
He was majorly overcompensating for not being a very good friend. I made him promise to never do that again.
Jake also felt it necessary to name every male celebrity he found attractive enough to makeout with, which included Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Reynolds, and, oddly, Adam Sandler.
I'd said, "Honestly, Jake, it sounds like you're probably gay" in a very sincere tone to fuck with him for being annoying.
He'd stared at me for a moment, a look of shock on his face. "I'm...nah, I'm not gay." A look of conflict came over him, before he shook it off and stated again, "No, I'm definitely straight. Not that there's anything with being gay," he added quickly.
(Eventually, Liv and I were able to teach him that being an ally didn't mean he had to try to relate like that.)
Liv suggested that for our next GSA meeting we have a karaoke night, since she owned a karaoke machine, which we all agreed on.
I had hesitated before inviting Jake to the next meeting. I mean, sure, Liv and Harper were straight, but Jake was capital S Straight. I was worried he'd throw off the whole vibe. But Liv invited him without consulting me and told him to just observe quietly, and so he was coming to the next meeting.
On Friday, three days before our next meeting, I received a text in our group chat from Janessa.
Janessa: I came out to my parents. Went very badly.
When I saw the text, I was laying in Miles's sister's bed. A moment later, the bedroom door swung open and in walked Miles, a shocked look on his face. "Did you see Janessa's text?"
I sat up in bed and nodded. "Yeah, that's crazy. Do you think she's okay?"
"I don't know. I'll try calling her," he said, pulling out his phone. He called her and put it on speakerphone.
"Hey," she answered. She sounded upset, like she was crying.
"It's Miles and Connor here," Miles told her. "Are you okay? What happened?"
Janessa sniffled on the other line. "I just got sick of hiding. So, I just kind of blurted it out at dinner to my parents and my brother. They laughed at first, like they thought I was joking. Then, when they realized I was being serious, they got all upset and blew up at me."
"I'm so sorry," I said. "Are you okay? Are you still at home?"
"Yeah, I'm at home," she said in between stifled sobs. "I can hear my parents arguing with each other from my room. Like, they're talking about...what to do with me."
Miles and I shared a look of concern.
"Do you need somewhere to go?" Miles asked her.
"Um, I don't know. No. I'll, uh, keep you guys updated. Thank you."
She hung up. Miles and I looked at each other.
"I hope she'll be okay," I said.
"Me, too."
***
Janessa's parents ended up kicking her out. They told her that until she started "acting right" they wouldn't allow her back home.
All of this was sent to our Rainbow Wave group chat. Everyone offered their support, including Miles who offered for her to stay with us. However, Sky told Janessa that he had a couch in his apartment that was open to Janessa.
Thanks to our little club, Janessa had a place to stay.
I felt awful for her and everything she had been through in the past year. Not only had her girlfriend died, but her parents kicked her out on top of that.
On Saturday night, we had an emergency GSA meeting with everyone except for Jake, who Liv and I both agreed could sit out until our next official meeting. Everyone was worried about Janessa and wanted to show their support.
To be honest, as the club president, I didn't feel like I was equipped to run things. I didn't know what to say to Janessa or how to help her. It was like with Josh and his drinkingâI could say all of the right things, but in the end, I just couldn't really do anything to change things.
When everyone got to the McKenzie household, we all offered support to Janessa. But as usual, they were just words; words didn't do anything to change people's minds or change the culture of our town.
"Honestly, guys," Janessa told us, "I'm okay. Thanks to Sky." She turned to smile gratefully at him.
"You're actually doing me a favor," Sky replied. "Living alone gets boring and lonely."
"I just don't want to make a big deal about everything," Janessa continued. "I'm not strong or brave o-or...anything. I'm just...me."
"But you are," Margot said then, giving her a look of confusion. "You are strong and brave and you. You can be all of those things, even if you think you're not. Like, I'm too afraid to come out to my family the way the rest of you have."
Janessa shook her head at Margot. "That doesn't mean you're not brave."
Margot smiled at Janessa. "Listen, Nessa. You're my best friend. I've known you since grade school. Don't you remember, when we were little, I would get picked on by those girls on the playground?" Margot laughed at the memory. "You marched right up to them and told them you'd put spiders in their hair everyday for a year if they didn't back off. And they did. You've always been brave enough and strong enough for the both of us."
"Girl." Janessa giggled. "I would put hundreds of spiders in hundreds of girls' hair for you. Because I love you."
We all smiled and laughed as Janessa and Margot hugged each other.
"It's scary, isn't it?" Janessa told the group. "To think that, if I wasn't lucky enough to have people to help me, I'd literally be homeless right now. Like, there are probably so many kids out there who aren't as lucky. I wish I could do something for them, you know?"
"Maybe we should," I finally spoke up. "Do something, I mean."
"What are you thinking?" Janessa asked me.
"I don't know. Some sort of fundraiser? To raise money to donate to LGBTQ youth who don't have anywhere to go."
"Wait, I love that idea," Miles said. "We could have a whole event, like a rainbow gala."
"That sounds fun!" Harper agreed. "We could have music, food...a silent auction?"
"But how would we get people to come?" Sky asked. "Trust me, I know Clareview well enough to confidently say most of them are not exactly sympathetic to the cause."
"Yeah, you're probably right," I said, deflating.
"You never know," Miles said. "I mean, my parents are. And have you guys seen Grindr? There are a surprising number of gay people."
"But they're all way too closeted," I said, before realizing I was being insensitive to Margot. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that," I added quickly, feeling a little like Jake in that moment. "I don't know, it's probably a bad idea. Never mind."
"It's not a bad idea!" Liv told me. "We can figure out."
I put the idea to rest for now, and we instead began discussing what songs we wanted to sing for karaoke at the meeting on Monday. But I didn't forget my idea to have a fundraiser. It remained as an itch in the back of my mind, and maybe because I knew how hard of a time others were having, I was determined to figure it out.
***
Before the next meeting, on Sunday, someone else reached out to me on Insta. It was another private account. Their message said, Hi. I go to Clareview. I'm still in the closet, but I was wondering if I could have the info for your next GSA meeting? It's discreet, right?
I answered them, giving the info for our next meeting. I assured them that it's discreet and everyone in the club is really respectful about keeping what we talk about private.
Then, they said, Okay, cool. Thank you. I'm a sophomore. My name's Grant. I'll be there on Monday.
I smiled at my phone. And then my heart started racing because I got another email from Josh.
Connor,
I need you to understand something: I'm not breaking us up because I don't love you. I'm doing it because I do. I'm doing it because I want you to have the life you deserve.
You're right, we can't rewrite the past. But that's exactly why I have to let you go. I need you to be happy. I see you in my future too, Connor, but not if it means holding you back.
You don't need to convince me that you love me or that you want us to work. I know that. But love isn't enough to fix what's broken in me. It's not enough to make our lives any less hard. You shouldn't have to be always worrying about me. A relationship is supposed to be 50-50, and I could never give more than a small piece of myself to you.
You deserve someone who can support you, who can be there for you without dragging you into all of their shit. And that's not me, not right now. Please understand that this isn't about giving up on us.
Josh
I understood what he was saying. Logically, it made perfect sense. He had his own stuff going on that he needed to figure out, and I couldn't help him. I couldn't even be there for him because he was hundreds of miles away for who knew how long. Not to mention we didn't know what would happen in the future, going away to college and everything.
The thing about logic, though, is that it doesn't belong in matters of the heart.
My brain understood and accepted everything Josh said, but my heart refused to. All I wanted was to be with him, be close to him, to share everything with him. Even if it was hard, even if things blew up in my face.
Sure, it was a little dramatic for a high school relationship, but Josh and I had been through so much that it didn't feel like a cute little fling. It felt much bigger than that. It felt like we were meant to stay together, to grow together, despite how flawed or broken we were.
My response to him was, essentially, all of that. It felt a little desperate, I won't lie. But desperate times called for desperate measures.