February
I took a deep breath, glancing around the familiar living room of Miles' house. I felt nervous as we waited for someone, anyone, to show up.
Liv sat on the edge of the couch, her fingers tapping rhythmically on her knees. Miles, unsurprisingly, seemed calm, leaning against the back of the couch and scrolling on his phone.
I sat next to Liv, trying to appear calm despite my nervousness. My hands betrayed my anxiety, instinctively wringing themselves together. I had always been a bit of an anxious person, but the last few weeks it had been getting worse and worse. Some days I really thought I was going insane.
The clock on the wall seemed to tick louder with each passing minute, each second stretching out agonizingly as we waited for the doorbell to ring.
It had been a week since I first posted to social media about the GSA club, asking people to DM for details. I personally messaged the person who had reached out to me with Miles' address, but never heard back. The only responses I got from the post were negative comments, which I deleted.
I had also sent Josh an email, telling him I hoped he was okay and, most importantly, about how I had tried to kiss Miles. As we all know, I wasn't good at handling guilt. I knew I couldn't keep a secret like that from him. Even if it meant he would break up with me, he deserved to know.
I hadn't heard back.
So, now, we waited for literally anyone to show up before we called our first ever GSA meeting to session. I already had to change out of the shirt Liv had given me for my birthday because I nervously sweat right through it.
Miles's mom and dad went all out in making food for us, despite my insistence that it was likely no one would show up, so they shouldn't bother.
"Even if only you three eat it, I'd be very happy," his angel of a mom had told me.
Our meeting was meant to begin at 6:00 PM. It was now 6:07 and no one had even so much as reached out to say they'd be there.
"Why do you look so defeated?" Miles asked me, his head cocked to the side as though he genuinely didn't understand.
"What do you mean?" I asked, unable to hide my irritability, which was meant to be directed more at the situation than at him. "This is a waste of time. No one's gonna show up."
"Con, you need to manifest," Liv said, gently rubbing my knee with her hand. "People will show up." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "We are pretty. We are successful. Everyone wants to be our friend."
I snorted. "Our friends don't even want to be our friends."
"Those aren't our friends," Liv replied. "Those are people who used to be our friends until they acted up. Now they're dead to us."
"Period," Miles chimed in.
I sighed and rubbed my eyes, stressing. "I'm just so disappointed. Like, I really thoughtâ"
My sentence was interrupted by knocking at the front door. My eyes widened as my mouth dropped open in shock. I looked from Miles to Liv, not moving from the couch.
"Are you gonna get that?" Liv asked me, gesturing towards the front hallway.
"Shit. Me?" I asked, pointing to myself.
"Yes! This is your club," Miles said, laughing.
"Oh, god. Okay." I got up off the couch and painstakingly made my way to the front door. I took a breath, wiped the sweat from my palms onto my jeans, and swung the door open.
"Hi!" I greeted, my voice coming out much louder than I expected.
The person looking back at me was a girl around my age. Her brown eyes were opened wide, as if she were terrified. She had dark skin, her hair pulled back in braids. She was also slightly taller than me, but her body language made it look like she was trying to shrink herself.
"Is this..." her voice trailed off.
"Are you here for the GSA meeting?" I asked.
She hesitated before nodding slowly.
"Come in." I smiled warmly at the girl, gesturing for her to come inside. "What's your name?"
"Janessa," she told me shyly.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Connor."
"Yeah, I know." Janessa gave me a sheepish smile. "I'm the one who had messaged you on Insta."
"Oh! Yeah, of course. Hi. I'm so glad you decided to come." I felt the uncomfortable ice between us begin to melt as we relaxed into each other's presence. "I have a couple of other people I'd like you to meet if that's okay."
"Um, yeah. Okay."
I led Janessa into the living room, where Miles and Liv looked like they were trying (and failing) to contain their excitement.
"Oh, Janessa!" Miles's face lit up. "Oh my god, hi!"
"Miles?" Janessa's face went from anxious to excited. "I didn't realize..."
"That I'm gay? I know, I'm incredibly subtle."
Janessa laughed and rolled her eyes. "I meant I didn't know you'd be here."
"This is my house," he replied. "Well, my parents' house."
"How do you two know each other?" I asked.
"Janessa goes to Aspen Heights, too," Miles replied.
"Oh. Well, cool!" I said. "You want to come sit down?"
"Yeah, sure."
After we settled in, I cleared my throat. "I really just wanted to start this club as a way for people, gay and straight, to come together and get or offer support. I know it's not easy in a place like this. You probably already know my boyfriend and I recently got outed, so dealing with the aftermath of that was really difficult, but I feel like, after all that's happened, I'm coming out on the other side stronger. Uh, no pun intended. So, share if you'd like, or you can just hangout. It's totally up to you."
After I finished my little spiel, I covertly wiped the sweat from my palms on my pants again.
Janessa gave me a smile, but I felt like she was hiding pain underneath it. "Thanks, Connor. Yeah, I'm glad you're doing this. I've had a really hard year. I'm a lesbian, by the way. Uh, I'm sure you know...or, knew about...Charlotte."
I nodded, waiting for her to continue.
"Um...well, she and I were...dating, I guess. You know, before."
"I'm so sorry," I told her sincerely, trying in vain to hide the shock I knew my face was giving away.
Janessa looked down at her hands folded in her lap. Her shoulders sagged, and I felt a pang of sadness for her. "I've felt like I've been mourning her all on my own for months. I withdrew from almost everyone in my life and have just felt so...alone."
Miles put an arm around Janessa. "God, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I wish I'd known you were struggling so badly. I would've reached out! You're, like, the only person at school I actually like."
Janessa laughed and wiped her eyes. "It was impossible to ask for help about something I wasn't able to admit to anyone, you know? So...I guess this is me asking for help." She looked up at me with big, sad, brown eyes.
"We're here for you," I told her. "You're not alone anymore."
"I've wanted to come out," she continued, "since before Charlotte died. It was something we talked about. And then, after she died, I just...didn't. And in a way, it felt like I was, I don't know, betraying her. Her memory." Her eyes filled with tears again. "Like, the worst thing imaginable happens to the person you love, and yet I still couldn't..." Her voice broke and she looked down at her feet.
"You're not betraying Charlotte," Miles said. "You shouldn't have to come out to anyone until you're ready. I'm just really sorry you've been going through this alone."
Janessa nodded and slowly regained her composure. Then, she looked at me. "I've never met Josh, but I honestly feel like I know him because of how much Charlotte would talk about him." She smiled at me, which I returned. "How come he's not here?"
"He's um..." I paused. I wanted to tell Janessa the truth about Josh, but I didn't know if it was a good idea to tell her about rehab. So, instead, I said what was technically the truth. "His parents sent him to live with his aunt. In Utah."
Janessa frowned and gave me a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, Connor. That must be hard."
I didn't deserve this girl's sympathy; her girlfriend had died, but Josh was alive and well. Or, hopefully he was well. "Yeah, it's hard without him. But it'll be okay." I think.
The four of us sat and chatted about everything and nothing for a couple of hours. Though she was timid at first, Janessa's personality began to emerge more and more, and I felt drawn to her presence. It's amazing what a safe space can do for someone, when they can truly be who they are. Janessa, I sensed, was going to be a force to be reckoned with.
At the end of the meeting, I walked Janessa to the door.
"Thanks for tonight," she said with a small smile. "I'll definitely be back."
"I'm so glad to hear that," I replied with a grin. "Thanks for coming."
"I, um...I actually have a friend who might be interested. I wanted to come and check it out first."
"Yeah, that'd be great! By the way, do you want to put your number in my phone? We could start a group chat."
"Sure."
After she gave me her number and left, I returned to Miles and Liv.
"Do you think this is what the Avengers feel like whenever they have a meeting?" I asked them as I sat back down on the couch.
"Yes," Miles answered immediately.
"Janessa seems cool," Liv said. "I feel so bad for her."
I nodded. "She said she has a friend who might be interested, too. Also, I'm going to make a group chat with you guys and Janessa in it."
"Looks like I officially have a friend at school," Miles said.
"I don't know how you've survived at Aspen without any friends," I told him, shaking my head. "Like, I don't know what I'd do without Liv."
"I know, I'm amazing." Liv tossed her hair over her shoulder dramatically, making Miles and I laugh.
Miles shrugged. "It sucked at first, but I just kind of got used to being alone. Plus, I Facetime my friends from home during lunch most days, so I'm not completely alone."
I felt so grateful, then, for Liv and Miles. And finally, for maybe the first time in the past month, I was really looking forward to the future. I was hopeful.
But a tiny, albeit loud, part of my brain thought back to Josh, and I began nervously wringing my hands again.