I finally heard from Josh again later that evening. When I saw he was calling, I picked up immediately.
"Josh?"
"Hey." He sounded tired.
"What's going on? Are you okay?"
"Um...Connor, I'm leaving."
"What?" I asked, my heart thudding in my chest. "What do you mean you're leaving?"
"My parents, they're, uh...sending me to live with my aunt in Utah."
"Utah?" My mind raced. "What about school? What about..." I wanted to say What about us? but I knew that was selfish.
"I'm finishing school online, I guess," he said, then sighed. "I'm sorry, Connor."
"How...how can your parents do this?"
"They're embarrassed by me. They don't want to deal with any of it, so they're sending me away. I don't know."
"They can't do that," I insisted, panic rising up inside of me. "You're 18. Listen, I um...I left my house today. I'm staying with..."
I stopped myself. I had never told Josh about Miles.
"Who are you staying with? Liv?" he asked.
I bit my lip. It wasn't exactly the best timing, but I knew I needed to tell him. "No, um...well, there was this other guy from Grindr I hung out with a couple of times a lifetime ago. Miles. I mean, we only kissed twice. He goes to Aspen and he's new around here. His parents are super cool about him being gay and everything. Maybe you could stay here for a bit, too? Or like, talk to his parents or something?" I cringed as I heard the anxiety and desperation creeping into my voice as the words poured out of me.
Josh was silent on the other line.
"Are you there?" I asked after a bit.
"Yeah," he said in a quiet voice. "Yeah, I'm here. I-I'm just processing. Um...how have you not mentioned him before? Was I actually your first kiss?"
"Yes," I said quickly. "This was...after we kissed. When you basically told me to stay away from you. It was...nothing. Like, I'm not into Miles. I swear I wouldn't be staying with him if I had feelings for him. Or if I had literally anywhere else to go."
Josh was quiet for a moment. Then, he said, "Yeah, okay. Fair enough I guess." I heard him let out a long sigh. "I can't stay, Connor."
"Butâ"
"I'm going to rehab out there," he blurted out. "Okay? I'm...I need help."
Tears sprung to my eyes. Of course I knew he drank too much, that he didn't have a healthy relationship with alcohol...but rehab? I felt like an idiot. A selfish idiot. Part of me blamed myself for Josh's drinking, like he had so much more stress because he was dating me. A boy.
"I'm sorry," I said, my voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault, Connor. I don't want to leave. I mean, I really don't want to leave you. And I don't want to break up, but I just...I have to go, you know?" Josh's voice sounded thick, like he was about to start crying.
I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Tears fell from my eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I understand. I just wish...I could have helped you."
"That's not your job. Okay? Don't...feel bad. Listen, I'm not gonna have access to my phone for a while. Text me your email address? I'll try to reach out when I can, alright?"
"When are you leaving?" I asked him. "Will I be able to see you?"
"No," he said in a defeated voice. "I'm leaving tomorrow."
"Shit."
"I know."
We were both quiet for about 30 seconds. Finally, I said, "Get better. I love you."
"I love you, too."
As the call ended, a sense of emptiness settled in my chest. Just like that, Josh was out of reach. Utah may as well have been as far away as the moon because I knew we wouldn't see or speak to each other for quite some time.
I clutched my phone tightly. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about the impending distance between us.
I couldn't fix everything, no matter how much I tried. All I could do was support him from afar and hope that, in the end, everything worked out.
***
The next day, I woke up feeling lonely. The world around me carried on, oblivious to the void left by Josh.
I knew I had to let my parents know that I was alive and well, so that morning I sent them the following text: Just letting you know I'm at a friend's house and I'm fine. I never wanted to leave. I just wanted you to love and accept me for who I am. It hurts to know you'd rather have me change than support me. I'll always love you, but I can't live a lie. I hope one day you'll understand.
For the first time, I was free to be myself, even if it meant starting over. The thought was somewhat liberating, but my heart was still broken.
I had given Josh my email address the night before. Therefore, I continued to stare at my phone nonstop, refreshing my email every 5 minutes, hoping that just maybe I'd hear from him sooner rather than later.
But I didn't.
Miles and his parents were crazy supportive. Meanwhile, I felt awkward and guilty every time his mom offered me food or his dad said, "We're here for you, Connor."
I still worked at the coffee shop. Sometimes I'd pick up extra shifts so that I could buy some of my own essentials, including food and toiletries. My coworkers tended to ignore me, though that wasn't completely out of the ordinary. The only person at the coffee shop who either didn't know or didn't care about me being gay was Harper. She would sometimes greet me with a kind smile and joked around as if my entire life hadn't imploded.
Originally, I was planning on returning home over the weekend or sometime the following week. But one day turned into three days, three days turned into one week, and one week turned into two weeks. And, eventually, I just kind of got used to not being at home.
My mom and I would occasionally send each other texts so that she knew I was okay, but even those slowly dwindled until there was radio silence between us.
I felt sad, of course, and lonely without Josh and my parents, but Liv was there for me, as well as Miles and his family. I wasn't alone. In fact, in a way, I was less alone than I ever had been because I wasn't constantly trying to hide who I was.
School had gotten a little better. Better, as in, I wasn't constantly being bullied. People moved on; they just didn't really acknowledge my existence anymore. I never really cared for people at school that much anyway, except for Liv, so it wasn't terrible I suppose.
On January 19th, I received an update on my application to the University of Michigan. I had gotten deferred, so I was moved into the regular decision pool of applicants, meaning I wouldn't find out if I was accepted or not until April.
I hadn't heard back from Berkeley yet, which was my top choice. However, I started wondering how I'd be able to pay for college if my parents and I weren't on speaking terms. Would they still help me? Would I have to drown in student debt? Could I even take out loans without their approval?
I had been so caught up in high school shit that suddenly all of the adult shit seemingly crept up on me out of nowhere, and I had no idea how to deal with any of it. So, as any responsible 18-year-old would do, I decided to ignore my problems. Those were Future Connor's concerns.
A couple of days later, while I was lying in Miles's sister's bed, I got a notification on my phone that someone had messaged me on Insta.
I opened Insta and read the message: Hi, Connor. Sorry if this is weird, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you're really cool and brave. I wish I could be out like you, but I've been too afraid of what people would say. You're seriously my inspiration.
I clicked on the person's profile, but it was private, and their profile picture and username gave no clues as to who they were. I went back to their message and stared at it, frowning. I was their inspiration? Why? I got outed and basically let people bully and exclude me. I wasn't brave; I was just existing.
I thought back to what Miles had said about starting a GSA club at school. I also thought back to Charlotte, who didn't have anyone supportive in her life other than Josh, who got swallowed whole by the loneliness and isolation that came with being gay in a town like Clareview.
There were other gay people here. We are everywhere, regardless of whether or not everyone else tries to suffocate and bury us, tries to ignore and deny our existence.
I decided that, the next day at school, I would bring up the idea of starting a GSA club with Liv. Because with great power comes great responsibility.
Watch the fuck out, Peter Parker; Connor Hill is coming for your gig.