I thought about following Josh out into the parking lot, but decided against it. I guessed he just needed his space, but I was also really worried for him. It wasn't just because he had been suspended; I was concerned about how he'd handle everything, fearing he might resort to drinking or worse.
In the end, I opted to send Josh a text that said, I'm always here for you. I'm sorry it turned out to be like this. Please text me back when you get a chance so I know you're okay.
I really wasn't equipped to deal with all of this. I thought back to what Liv had said the night of the party, about getting an adult involved. But what adult would be of any help in this situation?
Then, the realization hit me. A realization that had the potential to be both incredibly helpful and awkward at the same time: I texted Miles.
Fourth period arrived, and I begrudgingly made my way to class.
I had to sit next to Jake, who I hadn't spoken to since the party. As I made my way to my seat, I started feeling nauseous, like I'd just start projectile vomiting at any second.
I felt him staring at me as I sat down.
"Connorâ" he started to say, but I cut him off.
"Don't."
"Dude, let me justâ"
I turned to him, an angry look on my face. I didn't have the capacity to deal with whatever bullshit he was going to throw my way, which probably included homophobic comments. "Leave me alone, okay? Just...fuck off."
He went quiet, and thankfully Mrs. Hayes started class. I tried to ignore people, including Jake, giving me weird looks.
After class ended, I bolted out of there and met Liv at her locker, lunch in hand. I told her what had happened with Josh.
"I'm really worried about him," I told her.
Liv sighed and nodded. "Yeah, me, too."
I felt students looking at me and heard them whispering to one another, but I ignored them. Liv shot glares at them.
"Where am I supposed to sit?" I asked her. "Our friends probably don't want to be seen in public with me."
"Fuck them, then," she said. "We can just sit at a different table."
"Do you think?" I thought about it for a moment. "Would that be...weirder?"
We stopped before the entrance of the cafeteria. "I'm going wherever you go, Con," Liv said. "I'll follow your lead, okay?"
I ignored the tightening in my chest as I led us over to our usual table with Lydia, Ben, Jake, Sophia, and now Rylee, who sat next to Jake. They all looked up at me, surprised, as I sat my lunch on the table in front of my usual seat. Liv followed suit.
"Uh, Connor," Lydia said, the first brave soul to break the awkward silence. "Um, hi?"
"What's up?" I asked in a voice that sounded much more at ease than I was internally. I pretended to not be aware of how cringe-inducing the situation was as I opened up my lunch bag and pulled out a sandwich. I didn't actually think I'd be able to take a single bite.
"You never texted me back," Lydia said, who had apparently become the spokesperson for the rest of the group.
Rylee whispered something into Jake's ear and they both laughed quietly. Ben and Sophia just ignored me.
"I forgot," I lied. I hadn't actually gotten the courage to look at any of my friends' texts yet.
Lydia looked uncomfortable. She kind of gave Liv a silent look that screamed, Help me out here? In response, Liv said in a fake cheerful voice, "It's too bad you guys missed Connor's birthday party. We had a lot of fun."
I secretly wanted to kick Liv for making it even more awkward.
Lydia's face was red. "Connor, do you think it might be better if you maybe...sat somewhere else?" She looked down at her lap.
My face got hot as I fidgeted with my shirt sleeves, unable to get myself to respond.
"I think we're good right here," Liv said with a tense smile on her face. "Just like we are every other day."
Finally, Jake stopped hanging all over Rylee and acknowledged my presence by saying, "So, Connor. Are you just friends with me and Ben because you think we're hot?"
Ben snorted at Jake's question and Rylee giggled way too hard. Lydia remained silent, as did Sophia.
Liv looked like she was going to reach across the table and smack Jake. Before she could do anything, though, I stood up out of my seat and glared down at Jake. Everything bubbled up at once as I finally lost it.
"Never in a million years would I ever find you attractive, you pathetic, homophobic fuck." I then looked at Lydia and Ben. "You're all pathetic, you know that?"
I grabbed my lunch and stormed off. I could hear Jake saying, "It was a joke, Liv. Lydia's the one who told him to sit somewhere else."
I finished eating my lunch in the bathroom, which made me feel like the pathetic one. Liv texted me several times, but I decided to ignore them for now.
Honestly, I don't know what I expected. Of course my "friends" wouldn't accept me with open arms the way Liv had. Of course nothing was ever that simple, that easy.
By the time my last class of the day finished, I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally. When I got out to my car, I checked my phone for the 100th time to see if Josh had texted me back, but he hadn't.
Miles, however, did reply to my text. Hey, what's going on?
There was too much to type out, so I decided to just call him.
"Connor?" Miles answered after the first ring.
"Hey." I tried to sound casual, but my voice cracked, instantly giving me away.
"Are you okay? What's going on?" Sweet, caring Miles. I felt a twinge of guilt in my stomach.
"I'm, um...I'm not okay." My voice wobbled.
"Did something happen?"
"Yeah, you could say that." I let out a bitter laugh, one that got caught in the back of my throat. A few tears slipped down my face. "Uh, so everyone at school knows."
"Knows...? Ah, okay." Miles seemed to register what was happening. "Did someone out you?"
"Basically," I said. "And my boyfriend, Josh, got in a fight with a couple of guys, so he's suspended for a week. And my friends..." I choked down a sob. "They don't want anything to do with me anymore I guess."
I looked out my car window to see the amount of cars in the parking lot dwindling.
"I'm so sorry, Connor," Miles said. "I don't know if I really have any advice for your situation, not that you were necessarily calling for advice. I'm just really sorry you're going through this. Is there anything I can do?"
"I don't know," I said quietly. "I mean, yeah, everything really sucks right now, but I'm also really worried about Josh. He's been, like, kind of spiraling lately, drinking a lot, you know?"
Miles was quiet for a few seconds. "Sorry, I just realized you couldn't see me nod. Does anyone else in his family know about his drinking?"
"I honestly don't know. It's like a coping mechanism for him I think, and I just...getting outed and everything, I think it's too much for him. But I have no idea what to do about it."
I knew I probably shouldn't have aired out all of Josh's business to Miles, but I didn't know who else to talk to besides Liv.
"I hear you," Miles said. "Have you considered maybe talking to his parents about it? Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think this is something you can deal with by yourself."
"I know, but I've never even met his parents. And I'm worried I'll just make things worse. I don't know." I sighed and wiped my eyes.
"You have to take care of yourself, too, Connor. You can't take on everyone else's problems and expect to solve them while maintaining your own sanity, you know?"
Once again, Miles was there with the voice of reason. Except this time, it didn't make me feel any better.
"Yeah," I said finally.
"I'm here for you," he said, "if you need me to do anything or just be there for you. And my house is always available, too. As are my incredibly over-involved parents."
In spite of how miserable I felt, I let out a small laugh. "Thanks, Miles."
By the time we hung up, the parking lot was almost empty. I sat in my car for a while longer before pulling out of the parking lot and driving home.
When I got home, I saw my parents were already home from work. I turned off my car and walked inside.
From the front door, I could see my parents sitting on the living room couch, somber expressions on their faces. My immediate thought was that someone had died. My parents turned to look at me with expressions I couldn't quite decipher. Anger? Reproach, maybe?
Finally, my mom, in a borderline hysterical voice, asked, "Why in God's name did I get a text from Sophia Walker's mom telling me that you were caught having...sex with a boy?" She said "sex" and "boy" like they were curse words, a look of disgust on her face.
In all honesty, the only thought that popped into my head at that moment was the quote from Easy A when Olive says, "I worry about the way information circulates at this school."