"Connor? Wait, Josh?"
Josh pushed me away from him, jumping to his feet. It was Ben, followed by Lydia. We all stared at each other in shock and horror. I knew there was no getting out of this one; we were caught red-handed.
Ben and Lydia began slowly backing away, as though we were rabid animals.
"Wait, Ben! Lydia!" I pleaded, but they were out the door and heading down the stairs.
I turned to Josh, who looked like he was about to have a panic attack. I went to grab his arm, but he backed away from me.
"Oh, fuck. Fuck!" Josh started hyperventilating.
"Let's go," I said. "Let's just...shit, I don't have my car. Uh, I'll call an Uber, okay? Everything's okay."
A panic-stricken Josh just kind of fell to the floor as my shaky fingers pulled up the Uber app on my phone. "Everyone's gonna know," he said, kind of to himself. "Shit, my parents are gonna find out."
As I waited for Uber to connect me to a driver, I heard footsteps coming down the hall. Liv appeared in the doorframe. "Um, Connor...uh, Benâ"
"I know," I interrupted. "I'm calling an Uber right now."
"Are you okay?" She looked down at Josh, who was quite visibly freaking out. "Josh, are you okay?"
"Does it look like he's okay?" I snapped, and then immediately felt bad. "Shit, sorry. Misdirected panic. Is everyone, uh...?"
Liv looked hesitant, but finally nodded. "I'm sorry. I'll go tell them to shut the fuck up."
"It's fine," I said. "Are you staying?"
"Where are you guys going?"
"I guess to my place for now," I said.
"I'll come with you, if that's okay."
I nodded. The driver was 2 minutes away. I grabbed Josh's arm. "Let's go, alright? Everything's gonna be fine."
We made our way down the stairs. Everyone at the party was clearly talking about us because they all turned and stared at Josh and me, whispering to one another. A few people were laughing. I tried to ignore it, but my face got hot. My whole body began sweating as we walked to the front door. I wanted to scream at them to shut up, but I figured making a scene would only make it worse.
The three of us rushed out into the freezing air. I saw the Uber parked on the street across from Isaac's driveway. We all packed into the backseat, me squished in the middle.
"For Connor?" the driver asked.
"Yes."
As we drove away, I tried to comfort Josh. "It'll be okay, Josh."
"Stop," was all he said in response.
I felt like a huge dick. If it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened in the first place. I also felt guilty about sort of threatening to break up with Josh only minutes ago.
"At this rate I'll never get to finish a drinking game with you around," I jokingly told Josh in a feeble attempt to lighten the mood. "Never have I ever been outed at a party, right?"
He didn't laugh. He stared straight ahead, a faraway look in his eyes.
I didn't say this to Josh, but amidst the panic and chaos, I actually felt relieved. It certainly wasn't how I wanted my coming out to go, but now it was out there. No more hiding or lying.
Liv seemed to read my mind because she said, "I mean, assuming this...spreads, at least you guys don't have to hide anymore. That's a positive sort of, right?"
Josh rested his head back, closed his eyes, and clenched his jaw. "I can't believe this is fucking happening."
"I'm sorry," I said, because I didn't really have anything else to say to help the situation.
When the Uber driver pulled up in front of my house, we all got out. The shock of being outed seemed to sober Josh up a little, at least. It was only 10:30 when we walked up to the front door.
My mom came into the entryway as I shut the door behind us. "Oh. You're home early...with friends."
"Hi, Mrs. Hill," Liv greeted her. Josh said nothing.
"We're just going to, uh, watch a movie in my room for a bit if that's okay?"
My mom gave me a tense smile. She didn't like when guests came over unannounced because "The house is such a pigsty" even though it was always clean. "Sure," she said. I knew she'd scold me later.
The three of us walked up to my room. I closed my door. Josh face-planted on my bed, while Liv stood awkwardly, like she was unsure of what to do or say. I felt similarly.
I sat down on my bed next to Josh and gently rubbed his back. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."
Josh stayed laying on the bed, but turned his head so he was looking at me. "No, it's not."
"Yes it is," I insisted. "I'm the one who, like, pressured you into going out with me and everything. You wouldn't be dealing with this if it wasn't for my stupid ass."
"You didn't pressure me, Connor. And it's not like I'm the only one going through this."
Liv sat down on the other side of Josh. "School doesn't start back up until the 3rd, so maybe we can come up with some sort of plan before then."
"A plan?" I asked her. "What kind of plan?"
"Like, to deal with the assholes. Maybe we can talk to the principal or guidance counselor or something."
Josh let out a bitter laugh. "You really think they'll do anything?"
"There are laws protecting you," Liv insisted. "Anti-bullying and harassment laws or whatever."
"You know that they'll only do the bare minimum," Josh replied. "Just enough so they don't get sued. And it's not like my parents would ever sue them. Oh, fuck. What if Charlotte's parents find out?"
"Maybe you guys should preemptively tell your parents," Liv said. "I think it'd be worse if they found out from someone else. Right?"
"Pretty sure my parents would disown me," Josh said. "Or send me to conversion therapy or some shit."
I didn't really know what my parents would do. I'd thought about it a lot. Would they disown me? Would they accept me? Send me away? Though I had considered every possibility, actually facing the consequences now was terrifying. I had kept pushing the panic down to be strong for Josh, but suddenly it came bubbling out of my chest, spewing out all over my bedroom.
"Fuck, Liv. What do I tell my parents? What if they hate me? What if they kick me out? What the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Get emancipated," Josh said.
"Seriously?" I asked. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.
"No," Liv interrupted. "You're not disowning your parents, and they're not going to disown you. You're blowing this way out of proportion." I could tell she didn't fully believe that by the look in her eyes. She was scared for us, too.
Josh sat up in my bed. His eyes and nose were red. He was crying.
Something about seeing Josh so upset, so panicked, forced me to push my own worries back down. We couldn't both be losing our minds, and I didn't want to make him even more upset. One of us had to keep our shit together.
I grabbed Josh's hand and squeezed it. "We're in this together. We'll figure it out, I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," he said, right before vomiting on the floor.
Liv and I grabbed some washcloths from the bathroom to clean up the puke. Josh kept mumbling apologies, and I kept telling him it was fine.
There was that word again: fine. Everything was fine.
Nothing was fine. Everything was an absolute shitshow.
"Connor," Liv said in a low voice as we washed the washcloths in the bathroom sink. "I really think you need to get an adult involved. If not for you, then for Josh. He's...spiraling."
"I can handle it," I responded. I said it with confidence, but I was anything but confident.
"Okay, well...you know I always have your back."
"I know." I gave her a small smile that I hoped was convincing.
The three of us watched TV (or, stared at the TV while a show was playing) until around 12:30 AM. Liv lived near enough that she just walked home, but I called Josh an Uber.
He tried to protest, saying that he could just walk, but I told him it was too cold to walk that far. Before we exited my room, I pulled him into a hug. "Things sometimes have a way of working themselves out."
Josh put two fingers under my chin and lifted my head up to look at him. "I don't regret our decision to date. I regret getting outed like that, but I don't regret you."
It wasn't until he said it that I realized how much I needed to hear those words. "I don't regret being with you either," I replied softly, giving him a small smile. "Everything will be okay, Josh."
Then, to my complete shock, he said, "I love you."
His eyes widened immediately, as if he couldn't believe what had just come out of his mouth. "Shit. I just meant, um... I-I appreciate you?"
His sudden nervousness was unexpectedly endearing. I couldn't help but grin. "No, if you're gonna say it, say it with your chest."
"Okay, fine." I could tell he wanted to roll his eyes, but instead he looked into my eyes and firmly repeated, "I love you."
I tried to imitate his usual smirk. "I love you, too."
After he left, I started contemplating how to pick up the pieces of my carefully constructed life that had shattered all over the bedroom of Isaac's house. But before I could do anything, I had to replay our last moment over and over and over again.
I love you.