Every year, my friends threw a New Year's Eve party that doubled as a birthday party for me, since my birthday is January 2nd. (Yes, I'm a Capricorn. Do what you will with that information.) It was usually just our close friend group (me, Liv, Jake, Ben, Lydia, and occasionally a couple others) watching movies at either my or Liv's house.
This year, however, Isaac was throwing a NYE party, which my friends decided was more fun, not that I could entirely disagree. The main appeal was, of course, the lack of parental supervision, which was bound to involve drinking.
Josh was also going, although we weren't going "together." The secrecy of our relationship was exciting at first, but now it had begun to take a toll on me. It was exhausting. I was always filled with dread and anxiety, but at the same time I didn't want to stop seeing Josh. I was starting to think I loved him; I just didn't love the circumstances.
I told my parents that I was going to Liv's for our NYE party. They hesitantly extended my curfew to 1:00 AM, which I fully intended on breaking. Ever since the drag show, they were more strict with me, but I found myself not really caring if they were disappointed in me. I knew if I ever decided to come out to them, breaking curfew would seem like such a minor offense.
Lydia arrived in her parents' SUV at around 9:00 PM to pick me up. Ben was already sat in front, and Jake was in the very back with Rylee, who he seemed to be dating now. Liv sat in the middle row. I took the other seat in the middle, shutting the door behind me. I also noted Sophia's absence, but didn't say anything.
"Thanks for the ride," I told Lydia.
"No problem!" she said, turning to flash a smile at me.
Liv gave my arm a light squeeze, accompanied by an excited grin.
As Lydia drove us to Isaac's, I texted Josh that we were on our way there.
I just got here a little bit ago, he replied. I might already be 2 beers in.
Josh had recently finished his community service and officially got his license reinstated. Though he never admitted it, I was pretty sure Josh had started drinking again. There were a couple of times when we were talking on the phone at night that he sounded a little drunk.
If I asked him if he was drinking, though, he always said he was just tired. I had been kind of forcing myself to believe him, but there was always a voice in the back of my head telling me that I should say or do something, anything. I never did.
As we drove, Ben played trap music at an incredibly high volume. The bass caused the entire vehicle to vibrate and made my head hurt.
When we arrived, my heart thudded with excitement to see Josh. I followed my friends to the front door while discreetly checking my appearance in my phone's camera. Liv noticed and whispered, "You look hot." I quickly stuffed my phone into my back pocket.
There were already about 15 others there. Isaac greeted Jake with a bro hug. The rest of us, sans Lydia, wandered over to the kitchen to get drinks. In the kitchen, I found Josh making a drink of vodka and Coke.
His eyes flitted to me. He looked like he was going to say something, but then David entered the kitchen, put an arm around Josh's neck and pretended to strangle him. Josh looked away from me and began talking to David.
I tried to push down the disappointment of being blown off. I knew he was just being careful because we were surrounded by people from school, but it still kind of hurt.
"What are you gonna drink, Con?" Liv asked me. Her eyes darted over to Josh, but she didn't say anything.
"Uh, I don't know." I eyed the bottles on the table. "I guess just vodka and lemonade."
While Liv grabbed a White Claw, I went over by Josh and David to grab the vodka. Josh didn't acknowledge me. I reached for the bottle at the same time he did, causing our hands to brush against each other.
Josh quickly pulled his hand back as if I'd burned him. "I'm not done with that," he said in a harsh tone, startling me.
"Oh. Sorry," I said in a voice so quiet I wasn't even sure if he'd heard me.
He resumed talking to David, who was trying to get Josh to play some drinking game. I waited while Josh poured more vodka than necessary into his cup. I leaned over and quietly whispered, "I think that's enough."
"Dude, back off," Josh hissed back angrily.
When he finished, I finally made my drink and quickly exited the kitchen to rejoin my friends, who had already gotten their drinks. My face was hot from a mix of embarrassment and anger, and I tried to keep my eyes from filling with tears. I mean, what the fuck was that?
I sat on the living room floor near my friends, who were all engaged in a discussion related to whether or not aliens existed or some bullshit. Sophia was there with them as well. I just sort of sat and listened and tried to forget how shitty Josh had just made me feel.
"What's that one movie called?" I heard Rylee ask the group. "The one with the aliens? And Hawkeye?"
"Avengers?" Ben suggested.
Rylee shook her head. "No, the one with the red head?"
"Avengers," Ben said again.
"The one with the alien communication? Like, they draw symbols and stuff?"
"Are you talking about Arrival?" Sophia asked in a tone that suggested Rylee was the dumbest person she'd ever met.
"Yes!" Rylee grinned excitedly, apparently not detecting the condensation. "What would you do if that happened in real life? Like, if you were the one they asked to talk to the aliens?"
"I don't think you have to worry about that," Sophia replied.
Slowly, more people began to arrive at Isaac's. Inevitably, Liv roped several people into playing a drinking game, Josh and David included. Josh sat about as far as humanly possible from me.
The game was Never Have I Ever. I shot Liv a glare because I hated games like that, but she didn't notice.
"Who wants to start?" Liv asked, the natural leader of drinking games. When no one volunteered, she said, "Okay, I'll start. Never have I ever...broken a bone."
A few people put a finger down and took a drink, obviously including me. We continued to go clockwise around the circle, which meant I was last. Jake went next, saying, "Never have I ever played soccer." He looked pointedly at Josh and David, who both put a finger down and took a drink. I stared at Josh, who continued to ignore me.
Next was David. "Never have I ever blacked out." Josh rolled his eyes and took another drink, as did a couple others.
Then, Josh's turn. "Never have I ever...given myself a bloody nose."
I glanced at Josh while I put a finger down and took a sip. We briefly locked eyes until he looked away. It was clearly directed at me. Was that his way of making some sort of apology? Or was he pissed at me? I resented the way he was making me question everything.
A couple others took turns. Lydia said, "Never have I ever hooked up with a hockey player." Rylee took a sip of her drink while Sophia shot daggers at her. Jake, of course, asked if masturbating counted.
When it was my turn, I had my safe answer locked and loaded. "Never have I ever shoplifted."
A couple of girls, including Rylee, giggled and pretended to be embarrassed as they both took a drink. I kept eyeing Josh, trying to get him to look at me, acknowledge me, anything, but he didn't.
It was Rylee's turn next. "Never have I ever...had a sex dream about the old drunk guy from The Hunger Games."
"Do you mean Woody Harrelson?" Jake asked, an irritated expression on his face.
"Um, maybe." Rylee shrugged and then took a drink from her cup.
"You know you're supposed to say things you've never done before, right?" Sophia looked like she wanted to punch Rylee.
"Let's play spin the bottle instead!" Rylee said suddenly, ignoring Sophia's question.
"I think that's a great idea," Jake jumped in. "Let's play a game that doesn't...involve talking." He said the last part quietly, but I was sitting close enough to him that I heard.
I, of course, had zero interest in playing spin the bottle, so I got up and mumbled something about a bathroom to Liv.
I went upstairs and entered a bedroom instead, shutting the door behind me. I downed my drink and then sat on the plush carpeting. My head was spinning from the coldness Josh had directed towards me. I tried to keep myself composed, but tears began to slide down my cheeks.
A little bit later, there was a knock at the door.
"Occupied!" I shouted in a thick voice.
"Connor, it's me," Josh's voice responded.
When I didn't say anything, he opened the door. He had a nervous, guilty look on his face as he walked inside and shut the door behind him.
"I'm so fucking sorry," Josh said, getting down on the floor next to me. "Jesus, I'm such an idiot." He tried to pull me into a hug, but I leaned away from him.
"Connor." Josh smelled strongly of alcohol, and it was obvious he was drunk from his body language and the way some of his words blurred together. "I'm really sorry. I just...I panicked, you know? I was really excited to see you, but then I got in my head, and I felt like everyone was watching my every move and...I just wasn't, like, mentally prepared. I don't know."
Another tear slipped out of my eye and down my face. Josh used his thumb to wipe it away. "Don't cry. Please."
I sighed, leaned my head back against the side of the bed and closed my eyes. I felt Josh staring at me. The music from the party sounded like it was being played underwater. I tried to focus on it instead of the whirlwind of emotions I was feeling.
"Will you please say something?" Josh asked.
I finally opened my eyes and looked at his face, which was contorted as though he was in pain. "I don't know if I can keep doing this."
"Doing what?" Josh asked, but the fear that was evident in his eyes told me he knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Us," I said. "It's just...too hard. I don't know."
"You want to break up?"
I sniffled as I started to cry again. "No. Or...I don't know! I'm just...what's the point, you know? Like, you'll keep hurting me by keeping this a secret, but I'll be hurting you if I come out, plus who knows what's going to happen when we leave for college in the fall? I'm just thinking...do we end the heartbreak now or later?"
Josh stared blankly at me. "You want to come out?"
"I don't know. I mean, I've been thinking about it a lot, and yeah, it'd probably suck, but is what I'm doing now really better?" I wiped my nose with my sleeve.
Josh kind of deflated when I said that. He leaned back against the bed. "Shit." He looked up at the ceiling. "I'm, like...holding you back."
"I didn't say that," I said. "I'm just kind of miserable right now, and you really made me feel like garbage by acting like that in front of everyone. I mean, who gives a fuck about what they think?"
Josh and I sat in silence for a while. We stared at the opposite wall, my words hanging uncomfortably in the air. Eventually, he broke the silence by saying, "I really don't want to break up."
"Neither do I."
Josh leaned his head so that it rested on my shoulder. I imagined it wasn't very comfortable because his torso was taller than mine. "I can make more of an effort," he said, his voice filled with anxiety. "I can, I don't know, take baby steps."
My lips grazed the top of his head.
"Connor, I...I want to deserve you. I'll do what it takes. You just have to be patient with me. Please."
I wrapped my arm around Josh and grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. A part of me was screaming that I should end things, just get it over with, because I really didn't think Josh would be able to change. But the rest of me won as I said, "Okay."
Josh repositioned himself so that he was looking at me and leaned in to kiss me. I kissed him back, the familiarity of his mouth making me forget the hurt I was feeling.
Then everything changed as the bedroom door suddenly swung open.