September
It was third period: AP Lang. Mrs. Katz was droning on about how all of us seniors needed to start thinking about which colleges we'd be applying to. English was one of the only classes I had with my best friend, Olivia, aside from physics, which she always asked me for help in.
I found my mind wandering, though that was a skill I'd perfected long ago. My mind would be 1,000 miles away, but my attentive posture and fake active listening skills never gave me away. Well, at least not to teachers; Liv knew me too well.
"Earth to Connor," Liv whispered to me from her seat next to me.
I turned to her abruptly, blinking a couple of times as her voice brought me back to the present. "Huh? What?"
"Are you even listening?" she asked me.
Objectively, Liv was beautiful. She had flawless skin that still retained a tan from the summer, and big, expressive blue eyes. Today, her long blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail.
I was pretty sure people at school lowkey thought we were dating, and I never really went out of my way to correct them. Whenever someone asked Liv if we were dating, however, she would laugh and say, "Not yet." Then she would look at me and give me a playful wink, like Just kidding.
Though I highly suspected Olivia'd had a crush on me since last year, she never brought up the topic when we were together. I didn't want to lead her on, and I always felt a little guilty about not telling her I wasn't even interested in girls, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I honestly had no idea how she'd even react. Guiltily, I continued to play dumb so that I could avoid having to reject her, or god forbid date her.
"College applications, blah blah blah, start thinking seriously about your futures, etcetera," I whispered back.
Liv let out a giggle, just loud enough that it attracted Mrs. Katz's attention. "Quiet back there," she scolded us.
I shot Liv a glare, and in response she rolled her eyes at me.
The bell rang a few minutes later.
"Where are you planning on applying?" Liv asked me as we exited the classroom.
"Well, Mother and Father insist only on Ivies," I said in a fake posh British accent. "I dare not go against their wishes."
Liv smacked my arm playfully. "God, you're so annoying. I'm being serious."
"What, you think I can't get into Harvard with all of my zero extracurriculars?" I teased.
"I told you you should've joined Quiz Bowl," she shot back. "You're filled with useless information."
"Ouch."
"I'm applying to Purdue and UT Austin. And probably 20 others if my parents have anything to say about it," Liv told me.
We stopped on the side of the hallway since we had to part ways for fourth period. "I just don't understand how I'm supposed to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life when I've hardly even lived," I said.
"Okay, you're being really philosophical and I'm too tired to deal with all of that right now. Text me?"
I sighed in response.
"We're gonna be late. Text me. 'Kay?"
"'Kay," I imitated her, which rightfully resulted in her hitting my arm again. Olivia turned right and headed to her next class, while I continued down the hallway to Spanish.
"Andalé, señor Connor!" my Spanish teacher, Mrs. Hayes, shouted to me from the doorway of her classroom.
"Lo siento, señora Hayes," I mumbled as I shuffled into her classroom just as the bell rang.
Mrs. Hayes had the desks arranged into groups. I took my seat at my table, which included my friend, Jake.
I use the term "friend" loosely; Jake was your typical bro, a real guy's guy. He was a part of my friend group, but I'd consider him more Liv's friend than mine. The truth was that he and I had absolutely nothing in common. Jake played hockey, which made up about 75% of his style and personality. He also had an incurable case of Middle Child Syndrome.
"What's up, Connor?" Jake asked me as I pulled out my Spanish textbook. "You look handsome today. Get dressed up for Olivia?" Being Jake's friend consisted of enduring insults, light hazing, and his aggravating personality.
I rolled my eyes at him, once again avoiding speaking up and clarifying that Liv and I were just friends.
I eyed Jake briefly, trying to come up with my own insult to spit back at him, which luckily I found easily. Jake's family was rich, came from old money, and he spent the majority of his summers on his family's yacht at Cape Cod, which meant he always had a racoon-like tan around his eyes at the start of school.
"You know you can take your sunglasses off now, right?"
To my annoyance, Jake was an impenetrable fortress of unearned confidence, so he only chuckled at my insult. "I missed you, dude," he said.
I felt bad for a second, but then he followed that up by saying, "You make me look cooler by comparison."
I tried to prevent my face from going red, but I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and ears. Jake, too, must've noticed because he quickly patted my back and said, "Nah, I'm just kidding, buddy."
As class started, I silently cursed Mrs. Hayes and her stupid seating chart.
After class, I took my usual seat next to Liv at the lunch table. Our friend group always sat together. It consisted of Liv and me, Jake, and our other friends Lydia, Ben, and Sophia. Ben and Lydia were caught in a perpetual loop of "will they/won't they?" I liked them, though. Ben was nicer than Jake, but he had a weird complex where he was definitely a virgin but felt the need to constantly prove he wasn't.
"Did we have anything due in physics next hour?" Liv asked me as I unwrapped my sandwich.
"Um...yeah, that worksheet Mr. Powell gave out yesterday."
"Shit. I gotta go get it. I'll be right back. Don't let Jake eat my Oreos."
At the sound of his name, Jake looked up at Liv, who ran off to get her homework. He then looked at me. "How pissed do you think she'd be if I ate one?"
I shrugged. "It's your funeral."
I looked around the cafeteria, once again expertly zoning out, until I realized I made eye contact with Josh Brooks. We both quickly looked away. After a few moments, I looked back towards him. He sat with a few of his friends on the soccer team and their girlfriends. If my friend group was moderately popular, Josh's was royalty.
I noticed, however, that he didn't really seem to engage with anyone he was sitting with. He kept to himself, a faraway look in his eyes. I wondered if anyone else noticed, if his friends were even aware of how miserable Josh seemed to be. They had to be, right?
Liv startled me when she suddenly reappeared at my side. She took her seat and began furiously scribbling down answers. After she finished, she went back to her lunch and let out an irritated groan.
"Jake! You asshole!"
Jake looked over at Liv in surprise. "What'd I do?"
"You ate my Oreos!"
"No, actually, I didn't," he argued defensively. "I thought about it, but I didn't!"
"You're such a liar."
I listened, silently amused, to their argument, never admitting to either that I was the one who ate them.
***
After sixth period let out, I went into the boys' bathroom. I locked myself in a stall, pulled out my phone, and opened Grindr.
If you're not familiar with the hellscape that is Grindr, it's basically a gay dating app. Or, more accurately, a hookup app for gay men. I didn't use it for hookups. It was sketchy anyway. All I ever saw on people's profiles were headless torsos named DL, meaning on the down low. No one was out in Clareview.
Seeing that there were other gay people, though, was mildly comforting. I rarely interacted with the guys who messaged me, but it was sort of nice to prove they existed. I put my name as an alias and didn't upload any photos. Since you had to be 18 to use the app and I didn't turn 18 for a few months, I lied about my age.
I'd received a message that morning from another guy whose profile also said he was 18. His name was just set to the pride flag emoji and his profile was, of course, a shirtless torso. It was a nice torso, though, I had to admit. His build was slender but toned.
His message to me was simple: "Hey." That was it. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything back.
In a random burst of courage, though, I decided I'd message him back. So, locked in the bathroom stall, I sent back, "Hi."
Outside of my stall, I heard someone's phone make the unmistakable bloop! of the Grindr app's notification sound.
I jumped and almost dropped my phone in the toilet, barely catching it at the last minute. Before I could exit the stall and see who else was in there, they ran out of the bathroom.
What the actual fuck?