When I got to his car, Miles got out and walked around to the passenger side. "Hey, Connor!"
"Hey," I said, my mouth dry. He looked just as he did in his Snapchat photos, though his voice was deeper than I had imagined it to be; it didn't seem to fit his face, which had a gentle, kind look to it.
"Damn, you did get pretty roughed up," he said, looking down at my leg. "Here, let me get the door for you."
After we were both situated inside, with my crutches in the backseat, Miles looked over at me and grinned. "How are you?"
"I'm...I'm good."
My nervousness must've been obvious, because Miles then said, "Don't worry. My parents are always, like, obsessed with the guys I introduce them to."
I wasn't sure if that made me feel better or worse, since he was talking about guys plural.
Before he started driving, he opened up Spotify and hit play on some playlist. "Do you like King Princess?" he asked.
"Um...I only know one of her songs."
"They actually go by they/them pronouns, but I didn't really expect you to know that." As he started driving, he flashed me another smile full of perfectly straight, white teeth. "This is their song, Cursed. You should check out their albums. I mean, assuming you're into indie pop. What kind of music are you into?"
Miles exuded an aura of confidence, but not in a showy way like Jake did. He just seemed very sure of himself.
"Different stuff," I said. "I don't know."
"What music do you listen to with your friends?"
"Not stuff I'm very into," I admitted.
Miles nodded like he understood something I didn't. "Okay, you have your straight music with your friends. If you were driving alone right now, what would be the first song you'd play? Don't think, just answer."
"Dancing on My Own by Robyn," I answered quickly.
"Nice." He patted my knee, and after he pulled his hand away, I secretly wished he'd have left it there. "You like sad bops?"
I thought for a moment before saying, "Yeah. Well, I like a lot of sad music but I also like songs with a good beat. I don't know."
"I totally get that. Like, I'm at the club, but I'm also dead inside."
I laughed. "Yeah, exactly."
Miles, I found, had a great ability to make people feel at ease. He was happy and easygoing. Basically, he was the exact opposite of Josh. It was a nice and also strange change of pace.
A couple of minutes later, we pulled into his driveway. After he helped me climb out and get to the door, he placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled warmly. "Welcome to the McKenzie household."
Miles led me through the entryway and into the living room, where his parents sat. His parents were definitely younger than mine, considering my mom had me when she was almost 40.
"Mom, Dad," Miles said, "this is Connor."
"Nice to meet you," I said in a quiet voice.
Both of his parents looked way too excited to see me. "Hi, Connor!" his mom said. "So nice to meet you."
"Miles has told us basically nothing about you," his dad joked.
"Only because if I had, you both would've asked me a million questions," Miles replied.
"What happened to your leg?" his dad asked.
"Uh, hockey accident," I said.
"Aw, you poor thing," his mom said, a look of sympathy on her face. "Do you go to school with Miles?"
"No, I uh...go to Clareview."
"Oh, okay," she responded. "You know, we were really worried Miles wouldn't make any friends around here. He's been struggling with that at his school, soâ"
"Yup, thanks, Mom," Miles cut her off. "We're gonna go hangout in my room."
"Wait, I want to know more about this handsome young man..."
Miles motioned for me to follow him down a hallway, away from his parents. "Shit, sorry," he said, giving me a sheepish smile. "My mom thinks she's Regina George's mom in Mean Girls or something."
He led me into his room, my heart pounding as he closed the door behind us. "I've never seen Mean Girls," I admitted.
"Dude, seriously?" Miles's mouth dropped open in shock. "That's, like, a gay's rite of passage. Deciding what character you are is basically our baptism."
"My baptism was, you know, an actual baptism. I'm not...a proper gay, I guess." I shrugged and let out a nervous laugh.
"No such thing as a proper gay," he replied. "You wanna watch it?"
"Sure," I said.
Mile steered me over to a futon that sat across from a wall-mounted flatscreen. "Prepare to come over to the dark side."
As Miles got the TV going, I looked around at his room in awe. This was what I imagined a gay teenager's room to look like if they lived somewhere where it was accepted: pride merch, a poster of a drag queen, clothes that weren't monochromatic...
"What's with the giant green M&M poster?" I asked, staring at it quizzically.
"Excuse you, her name is Ms. Green and she's a queen," Miles responded, laughing. "My friends back home got that for me. It's like an inside joke. My initials are MM, so my nickname was M&M."
"Oh. Do you miss them?"
"Yeah," he said. "A lot. I kind of miss everything about back home. But at least I'll be graduating soon."
"True."
Miles and I sat down on the futon. We had about a foot of space between us, but I couldn't get myself to move any closer. My heart was beating too fast and my armpits were damp.
Miles readjusted, crossing his legs so that his knee was only an inch from my leg. As he was searching for Mean Girls, I stared at his knee, wondering what would happen if I rested my hand on it. As I was considering making this little move, Miles hit play and leaned his body so that our shoulders were touching.
"I seriously think you're going to love this movie," Miles said. "This is peak Lindsay Lohan."
My mind and heart were racing so fast that I couldn't even get any words out to respond. I tried to focus on the movie, but then Miles rested his hand on my thigh. My arm was rigid against my body, my hand laying flat on the futon next to my thigh. I swear I felt electricity pulsing out of his hand and traveling throughout my entire body.
I had essentially no past experiences to compare this to, but despite being more nervous than I probably ever had, it just felt...good. It was nice to share space with another guy, knowing that the attraction was mutual.
In the heat of the moment, I moved my hand to my thigh, just gently touching my palm to the top of his hand. Miles turned his hand so that our palms were touching, and then laced his fingers through mine.
"Is this okay?" he asked.
"Yes," I responded, my voice coming out as a whisper.
We stayed like that, holding hands, until the movie was done. Miles had quoted almost every other line in the movie.
"What did you think?" he asked, turning to me and, to my disappointment, pulling his hand away from mine. His blue eyes studied my face.
"I think...I'm a Cady."
Miles started laughing. "Honestly, I think I'd agree with that. Personally, I'm more of a Janis."
"I thought you'd say you're a Damian," I said.
"Why? Because I'm a fabulous gay guy?" he asked jokingly.
"If the shoe fits..." I laughed.
Miles playfully hit my arm. "No, I actually think I'm more like Janis because she values her individuality. She's not a conformist. But I don't know. It's also just a dumb movie."
The smile slowly faded from my face. "Yeah, I guess I wish I could be more like that. Like...you."
Miles put a hand on my arm. "No, I mean...that's not your fault. Sorry, I wasn't trying to imply anything. Everyone moves at their own pace. There's no right or wrong way to be gay."
"Yeah, I guess."
I understood what Miles was saying, but I still felt kind of bad. I was ashamed of being gay no matter how hard I tried not to be, but it had never been so glaringly obvious until I compared myself to how comfortable Miles was with himself.
I basically led a double life that only two others (four if you included Miles's parents) knew about, all because I desperately wanted to conform to society's standards, to not draw attention to myself. To remain anonymous. And while I knew I couldn't completely blame myself for being that way, I still felt an overwhelming sense of shame that was eating me from the inside out.
Miles and I chatted for a little while longer until it was time for me to go home for dinner.
I was quiet while he drove me home. I could sense him looking over at me periodically.
Finally, Miles asked, "I didn't say something wrong, did I? I have a habit of being a little...overbearing sometimes. I probably get it from my parents." When he laughed, it sounded almost nervous.
"No, no," I said quickly. "You're fine. Everything's good." I gave him a smile that I hoped was convincing.
Miles gently placed a hand on my knee as he drove. "I'm glad we met," he said. "I'm glad you decided to...hang out."
"Me, too."
As he pulled up on my block and put the car in park, his hand moved off of my leg. The spot where it had been felt warm, like his touch still lingered on me.
When he turned towards me, without really thinking about it, I leaned forward and kissed him.
Afterwards, I quickly pulled away. "Um, sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have-"
Miles then placed his hands on both sides of my face and pulled me back towards him. As his lips moved with mine, I involuntarily let out a sigh.
But then I also became acutely aware that we were parked near my house, where anyone I knew could have spotted us, and I pulled away.
"Um, I have to go," I said, my voice hoarse. I cleared my throat. "Thanks for driving me and for...yeah. I'll text you."
"Okay," he said, his expression tinted with confusion. "Bye, Connor."
"Bye."
I liked Miles. I knew I liked him; he was nice, and he was attractive. I liked the way he kissed, gentle and passionate at the same time.
Yet, after I had gotten upstairs to my bedroom and shut my door, I started crying.
***
The next day, Sunday, Liv came over after church to study for our physics test. I was helping her with some equations, which was really just plugging in numbers. I had to keep reminding myself to be patient, a virtue I wasn't exactly known for.
At some point my mom came into the living room, where Liv and I sat on the floor with our books and notes open on the coffee table.
"Hey, Olivia," my mom said.
"Hi, Mrs. Hill."
"What are you two studying?" my mom asked.
"Physics," I replied.
"Again? You two just studied that yesterday. Is a big test coming up?"
Oh, shit. I shot Liv a look that I was hoping said, Please play along. I forgot I had just used the studying excuse yesterday when I hung out with Miles.
Liv looked at my pleading eyes, a confused look on her face, but then seemed to get my message because she said, "Yeah, Connor's helping me. I've been struggling a bit this year."
"Oh, well I'm glad he's helping." My mom smiled at both of us and walked into the kitchen.
"What's going on?" Liv whispered to me. "What did you do yesterday?"
Since I hadn't thought my little lie through, I didn't have an excuse ready. "Um..."
"Do you have a new best friend I should be worried about?" She gave me a cheeky grin.
I let out a forced laugh. "Yeah, and she's way better at physics than you."
Liv fake-pouted at me, but then her face got serious. "You do know that you can tell me anything, right?"
No. "Yeah, of course."
Thankfully, Liv dropped it, but I felt the space between us grow just the tiniest bit bigger.