Is it possible to unlock memories from another life?
Chapter 18
Hati paced the length of the ornate room we found ourselves sequestered in. Fulla led us to it after we'd been dismissed from the hall, giving us privacy to come to terms with all we'd heard.
Rainbow colours lit up his skin as the sun beamed through the colourful glass depicting a forest scene; hunting wolves creeping closer to the lone white stag in the last panel. I would have taken time to admire it if I wasn't still reeling internally from our earlier meeting. A meeting that, despite its revelations, gave me no more answers about how I was to save us all, or how I could learn to use my magic. I had power beyond what anyone knew, ingrained into my very bones, and yet no skill in wielding it.
No skill. No life beyond a planned death. A child born in a time of chaos, older than any other being on the world she tread. . .and yet, what was I really but bits of other things all mixed together and shoved into a skin shifters body?
Why was I not panicking as Hati was at the foretelling of my inevitable death?
Instead of panic or denial, I felt clearer of mind and calmer in heart than I had in months. Because if my death really was inevitable, I would damn well make sure it meant something.
"We will find a way," Hati promised, stopping before me, mistaking my stony expression perhaps for fear rather than resignation.
My only real fear was whether my mother and father would cope losing another pup, but they would have to, for Niamh and Anndra's sakes. Hati would need to take Fionnlagh under his wing, keep him motivated and training, his mind on the pack and not tortured with loss as I'd become.
It wasn't just resignation however. Fury lit a spark in me too. I could feel it fizzling underneath the cold acceptance, deadly and destructive. I would make everyone who had a hand in this pay, not for myself but for the pain that would cripple my family. Would it cripple Hati? It couldn't. He needed to keep himself strong for the pack, and for the promise I would make him swear on iron from my homeland, an unbreakable vow he would have to keep.
Hati would have to survive. My family would need him.
"I want to speak to her alone."
He growled, his hand slicing through the air. "No. I will not leave you alone with a single one of them. I have much respect for the Queen of these lands but she has an agenda of her own-"
"Everyone has an agenda of their own, mate mine. We had an agenda in coming here, and I don't plan on leaving until I have the answers I need."
"Eabha." Falling to his knees before me, Hati cupped his larger hands over where my own were fisted on my lap. A soft rumble enticed my eyes to meet the flickering flames dancing in his. There I could see barely controlled rage, a touch of wild causing muscles to shift and joints to pop as he tried to control instincts screaming his mate was in danger and to take out the threat. Only there was no real tangible threat to defeat that would save me. "Why torture yourself with more? Have we not heard enough of the answer she has to give?"
"Answers she had to give when other ears were listening, yes," I agreed, taking a deep breath before adding more forcefully, "I am not asking, Hati, I am telling you. I will speak to the Lady Freyja. Then we will eat at this farce of a feast - as if the borders are not being marched upon - then return home where we should be. Where we're truly needed."
"Home." Hati smiled, his hands sliding up my thighs while his thumb massaged soothing circles into my skin. "I should keep you there. I should lock you away somewhere safe until Ragnarök has passed. I can't. . .you can't. . ." He heaved a shuddering breath, and when his head lifted again, I was taken back by how young he looked, how vulnerable, how scared. "I can not lose you. I won't allow it. You belong by my side and I will not let you go. Fate will have to tear you from my grasp."
My skin pickled as a wave of power washed over me. My mate's eyes shone brighter than the sun itself in that moment. He nodded to himself, as if he would be able to keep fate at bay, and his fingers curled into my dress as if scared something might try to snatch me away at that very moment.
I cupped his cheek as he so often did mine, thumb sweeping over a scar by his eyebrow only someone who'd studied his face as intently as I had would notice.
"Remember, Freyja did not see my taking you as a mate. She didn't see that I would be able to run across worlds, speak the language of gods, or see and hear the dead. Who knows what else of my life and future remains shrouded or could yet be subject to change due to the choices we haven't made yet?" Leaning in, I kissed him tenderly. His lips were soft and warm against mine, his sweet honey scent invading my senses. He deepened the kiss with a near frantic edge that left me breathless when we parted again."The seed I grew from was plucked from one of the apples of Idunn which keeps the gods young beyond their time, my bones are strengthened by the branches of Yggdrasill which reach into every realm, and water from MÃmisbrunnr, the well of knowledge, runs through my veins. . ."
How could anyone possibly say what would become of me when I was all of those butterfly impossible things? They couldn't. I didn't believe anyone could. I believed Freyja saw the future, however, I did not believe she saw one path and one path only. So there was hope. I would have her admit to me there was hope.
"Do you think what you truly are means you will age as I do?" Hati murmured against my lips, dark blond brows still pinched unhappily together.
I pulled back with fake offence, gasping as I flung my hand over my heart.
"Why? Fear how hard it will be to love me if I grow to be a wrinkled Cailleach?"
He chuckled, but the doubt did not disappear as he rested his forehead against mine. "You would still be beautiful to me, Little Alpha. The only thing I truly fear is losing you, and being left to walk the rest of my long years alone. If I am forced to, I would never be able to lay eyes on another, so do not say I could in an effort to ready me for a day you might no longer be here."
How he'd seen that I was about to say another female would cause him to stumble in his tracks eventually, I didn't know, but I found his reassurance exactly what I needed. I breathed him in, his sweet scent filling my nose, the hand still resting in my lap clinging to Hati's so tight, it probably hurt him but he didn't complain. Neither of us were willing to be parted in that moment. Maybe he too feared if he let go now I might blow away into stardust.
"I will always find my way to you," I promised him on a possessive growl.
His own growl rumbled forth, electrifying my skin and making my insides clench as he promised just as vehemently, "Hel will not be able to keep me from you. I may not have your magic but I would still tear through realms to get to you, no matter who stood in my way." Expression creasing in pain, he added, "No more talk of this, though. All we can do is carry on as we have and take each day as it comes."
And pretend each day that passed wasn't an hour glass filled with the sands of my lifespan. In this body at least. If the energy that gave me life always was, then it surely always would be. Maybe my body didn't matter; maybe my power could find another, but I could never take another's as Sköll's demon Blood Drinkers did. And the idea of having to come into the world as I had in this life, of being born again, was unsettling. This body was me, even if in reality I'd only had it for a drop in the ocean compared to how long I'd been in existence.
Why could I not remember anything? Was I even sentient before I was. . .born?
"Is something wrong, my mate?"
"I love you," I said.
Hati frowned, gaze becoming wary as he studied me. "I love you too."
"Even if I'm just a bits of a tree and some water?"
A sudden bark of laughter made me jerk in fright, and his laughter grew until He was shaking in front of me, head thrown back and eyes alight with mirth. A half-smile curled my own lips, but my question had been entirely serious.
"Keep that dry wit and violent charm, Little Alpha, and these gods you meet tonight will fall in love with you as I have. Gaining their affection can only help our cause."
I hummed. "I thought I was to be on my best behaviour?"
"I was wrong." He brushed his nose to mine before standing, tugging me up with him. "You just be you. Always. In fact, I would love to be able to tell Caldar at least one story about you saying something shocking to a god, simply to see his reaction."
"You are cruel, Hati. That would give the poor male a heart attack."
He chuckled heartily, hands lingering on my hips. My gaze strayed to the door, a silent reminder that I wouldn't be deterred, but he didn't seem ready to let me go. He crushed me to his chest and breathed in deeply, the breath leaving him on a low vibrating growl that lotba flame of desire in my belly.
Damned male was punishing me for wanting to leave him.
"Go find her, Eabha. Make sure you get all the answers you want. I want to run the forests here before I have to sit and make pleasantries with men and women who think I would be better curled up at their feet on a chain, rather than sitting with them at the table."
It was more than that though. Darkness couldn't be hid by the vibrant fire of his eyes, a darkness and festering hatred that threatened a rain of destruction. I didn't want to let him out of my sight anymore than he did me, but as long as he focussed that anger on the trees and plant life. . .
"That sounds like a good idea. It would be a shame if the story we tell Caldar has you as the protagonist instead."
He gave me a look. I grinned. The sight of it softened his edges a little as he allowed himself to grin back.
"I will see you when we sit to eat," I said, pausing at the door when he grunted.
His gaze turned to one of the rainbow window panels depicting a gigantic black wolf with his maw opened wide to reveal long sharp fangs dripping with spittle...and blood. At his laws lay a severed hand, telling me immediately why Hati's stared at the wolf's image with a conflicted expression of grief and anger.
Maybe I would have to bring up to Freyja that her handmaiden had a cruel sense of humour in giving us the room she did.
I closed the huge oak door behind me as I left, giving my mate some privacy with his thoughts. Gathering my dress in my hands to begin my search, I trailed down the hallway with my nose in the air to try and catch the scent of sweet flowers I was looking for. I didn't need to search long. As soon as I rounded the corner, movement reflected in marble floor brought me to a halt.
A falcon flew over my head, swooping past me in a flutter of feathers only to disappear around another corner.
Did she want me to follow?
Whether she did or didn't, I found myself racing down the hall, bare feet slapping against the floor. It appeared to be a dead end at first until I noticed streams of sunlight beaming through the glassless windows lining one wall. A gentle breeze brought a mix of floral scents to me, the small leaves on the vines crawling around the stone rustling gently. Peering through the archway set between two windows, my eyes widened at the sight of the small courtyard brimming with life.
Bright plants of the likes I'd never seen took up nearly every inch of the small space: large yellow flowers with waxy petals folding out from the centre like lapping tongues, small white daisies with centres of red in the centre glittering like rubies, instead of yellow that glittered like gemstones. Even the vines climbing the high walls were of a hue of green too bright and vibrant to possibly be real. Yet the rich smell of earth told me everything here was alive and growing; even the strange golden fish darting about in the pond in the middle of the garden.
"It isn't very private," I noted, turning slowly to face the falcon resting on one of the window ledges.
A ruffle of feathers and a loud 'kak' as she opened her beak set me straight.
Very well. If she wanted to risk being overhead, I had no qualms about it. I would even do as I promised despite Hati telling me to be myself, and be polite and diplomatic.
Jumping from the window, the falcon's feathers undulated and trembled before a tingle of magic sparked the air. My own magic awoke at the brush of power over my skin, and I watched in awe as the bird spun and grew until I was staring at the wife of Odin with a cloak of feathers swept over her shoulders. She brushed her hand over a few stray feathers to soften them, her smile alluring as cerulean eyes met mine.
"You knew I wished to speak to you," I stated.
She shook her head, gliding past me to perch on the bench by the pond. It had been carved from a strange orange stone with veins of pink running through it, and her fingers traced a pink vein as she replied, "I did not. I guessed you might. I may see much but I don't see everything, nor do I wish to. Sometimes it is nice to be proven right for my own intellect."
"I am sure no one would think to call you anything but wise and intelligent, my lady."
Plump lips pulled into a wider smile. "And I am sure no one would think to point out the restraint it takes for you to compliment me, my creation. Or to speak politely to me at all."
I grimaced, but the goddess didn't seem offended in the slightest by the fact I didn't have the talent to hide my feelings from my tone of voice.
"I am my mother's creation," I retorted since there was no point feigning submission or reverence now. "Why did you choose her to carry me? Why choose her to go through so much loss? Laoghaire is of Alba through and through, her stories remember a time before even Danu or Lugh or Brighid were spoken of but of the Great Goddess who walked the forests. . .why not choose one of your own followers?"
"That would have been too obvious. I needed to hide you. I needed to keep you safe but still close enough to learn the stories of my kin. Your father prayed to me many a time when they struggled to conceive again after your brother was born, and as he had blood of the Vargr in him - however weak it had grown over the generations - it meant a daughter of his blood would be able to wield magic as I needed. A child born of two normal skin shifters would never have been able to hold all that you are. Your mother I granted enough magic so that she might carry pups again, and I answered your father's prayer."
So it was Father who'd brought him and his mate to the attention of the gods?
"I am very grateful you helped my mother and father in their wish for more pups."
"But?"
"You gave, and then you took."
"You speak of MÃ nas." She looked pained, dropping her gaze to the crystalline water rippling as one of the fish darted to the surface to snatch a fly. "I wish I could give you someone to direct the rage you harbour at, but unfortunately sometimes bad things happen and it is not because of the whim of any god. The day he died, your brother made a choice to protect you-"
My humourless laugh cut her off. "Yes. Like my uncle before him. They laid down their life for mine, they made the choice of their own free will. My brother gave his life so I could escape and I will forever be indebted to him, but you are the one that made it so the creatures of the dark hear the call of my blood like a siren song."
"You think I have not had my fair share of grief because of who I am and what I can do? I have spent my life fighting off those who see the light of my power and would take it for their own too. I have been a pawn, used for barter and bargain, my body the currency to be given to whoever bids highest. We could count the names of those we'd lost, the slights against us, and I would still be speaking long after you, so do not think I am without understanding or compassion, child."
She never raised her voice, her expression never grew harsh nor judging, but she was stern, and the power in her words would rival any Alpha wolf. My head bowed respectfully, my view of the goddess shifting ever so slightly as the echo of the pain in what she said lingered like a shadow in the brightness of the garden.
"I saw many paths for you and those around you, and they changed as fleetingly as your wants did." She smiled in a way my mother often did, with affectionate bemusement. "You are a child of wolves in body and soul, Eabha, despite whatever else you are. You follow the scents on the breeze and the tracks in the earth with no want for power of prestige. Protect the pack, guide the young, live free, these are the things that drive you. Yes, in one vision I saw the horror that could befall your pack, but I saw many others too. Worse, and better, but I did not weave that thread of your family's fate, I did not make the horrid you suffered happen, but I am sorry for them."
My mother had always wished I was a little more anchored down, more interested in finding a nice male, a nice territory within my own family's favoured lands, but perhaps my wild, roaming nature was part of what kept me safe all these years.
"How can you see my future when I've been told my own gods can no longer see me?"
"Worry less about the future, and who can or can not see you. You came to me to ask about your power, yes?"
"Yes. Perhaps also. . ." I shifted on my feet, then turned away to study a flower with velvety petals tucked together like an unfurled rose in deep purple. My fingers stroked across the flower as I forced myself to add, "I would like to know my proper time to die. I am notoriously late."
She laughed. A bell-like ring of sound. As if I was speaking of a gathering I was to attend instead and not when I would take my final breath.
"Your power is like any other, it must be cultivated and nurtured. The reason you find it so difficult to control is because you spend most of your time trying to block it out or beat it off. To be in control you must not be controlled by fear-"
"I am not afraid."
"Then you would be a fool."
My nose wrinkled, a growl tumbling from my chest, my body prickling as fur pushed against skin.
A fool? No. Tired of riddles and conflicting advice? Yes.
A blond brow lifted at my reaction.
Fighting off instincts that told me another female was questioning my worth, I sucked in a breath of flower-sweetened air to calm myself.
"Perhaps I do play the fool well from where you're sitting. What other part can I play when I know next to nothing? You said, sometimes for things to survive, they must die, and be reborn. Was that about me, or about the end of the gods?"
Freyja's lip parted, her head tilting as she murmured, "You remembered?"
I blinked. She really must think me dim-witted. "You only said it to me an hour or so ago in your hall."
"I did not." She laughed, before adding, "I did give you a nudge towards the memory of my saying it, but I believed it had not worked when you did not react."
Now I was beginning to believe it was the queen of gods herself who was losing track. Perhaps seeing the future complicated time?
"We have not met before, my lady."
"Not in this life."
My mind conjured an image of the tapestry I'd seen hung in the hallway, one I'd guessed to be Freyja perched by an ash tree holding her hand up towards a glimmering ball of light that seemed to breath life and colour into the space around it while the rest of the image had dark, and dead.
"Do you know what your name means, Eabha? Your mother chose it well for you."
"To breathe," I said. "It means living."
"Yes. Life. It starts with our first real breath in this world, and it ends with our last."
A cold shiver went up my spine, and despite the fact I was certain I still didn't understand what that meant, I felt myself nodding slowly in understanding.
"As for Hati's task, one which you must help him with, the souls stolen from Hel must be returned quickly, and the tear in the veil between Helheim and Midgardr sealed; lest the tear grow big enough for the likes of NÃðhöggr to escape. You have time to do this, you have time yet to learn about what you're capable of, for other events have yet to occur. . .events that could challenge your new mating." Blue eyes searched my face for a moment before dropping to the pond where brightly scaled circled and weaved around the green weeds. "Hati has yet to fulfil his own destiny. He has one last mistake to make."
"Maybe he would not be destined to make it if he had not been told. Just as Fenrir might be more than a raging beast doomed to be your husband's final foe if he had not been chained up for the act he's yet to commit. Perhaps I would not die if I knew there was no point trying to fight death. Hati has no reason not want to plunge the world into darkness."
"It is not as easy as wants and reasons, Child of Ragnarök-"
"Do not call me that. I am Eabha. Whatever I was before, that is who I am now and forever more will be. If you have no more answers for me then I believe we have given Vali enough information that might gain him favour with his next master."
"You knew he was there?"
I shrugged. "As much as you. Fortunately I doubt he heard enough to use against me, at least, no more than Sköll already knows. He eluded to my death being what would be required, I was too focussed on escape to realise at the time."
Hati had picked up on it though. Maybe not consciously, but he had.
"I trust that you will keep Vali in line so he will have no chance to use what he has heard, but he needed to hear. He cares for you, as he cares for Hati, and Sköll. He will do his best to keep you safe."
I nearly snorted. Vali cared about as much as he was able to, I had no doubt, but I didn't think that was enough.
"Now I must go," Freyja said, rising from the bench. "My husband will be arriving soon with the rest of the court who are all desperate to clamp eyes on you."
I couldn't hold back a snort that time. "We should be returning home to our pack not remaining here to feast and gossip. Especially if you will not teach me-"
"You do not need me to teach you a thing. Did I teach you to walk through realms in your sleep? Did I teach you to hear the voices of the dead? The only thing you need to do is trust yourself, trust your instincts. . .and remember."
What if I didn't want to remember? It was eerie enough knowing I had met the goddess before me in another life, another form, and could feel the strange ache of familiarity as my gaze searched her strong features.
All I wanted was to be who I was now, to live the life I had with my family, and Hati, and his family who had quickly become my own. I wanted to watch Farrin and Astrid have their first pup, and Fionnlagh stumble to become the male Ulli could see in him. I wanted to see my Aunt Oighrig grow well again, and the youngest of the pups in our family grow up somewhere safe and free. I wanted to slowly be worn down by Hati's want for pups. I wanted to see the look on his face the day he smelt the change in my scent telling him, and every other wolf, I was carrying his young.
All these things I wanted and more. And all these things I might never get because fate had other plans.
"I have one last question and then I will agree to endure your court of gods," I said.
Freyja's lip quirked at the corners, cerulean eyes twinkling as she inclined her head. "Very well."
"Did I know? From before I mean, did I agree to this? Did I know what would happen; that I would get to live a full life that would need to end for the prophecy to be fulfilled?"
Her smile turned sad, her hands folding in front of her; an act I was sure was about as much a show of nervousness she ever let be seen. "If you wish to see the past, child of Ragnarök, look."
I frowned. And before I could ask what she meant, or how I was meant to look at the past, she spun on the spot with a flick of her feathered cloak, and took of into the skies in the form of a swift falcon. A swell of irritation rose, but it fell just as quickly. No matter what her answer had been, it would have upset me, so why should she answer? No matter what her answer had been, it wouldn't have changed anything.
"I have had my fill of this place," Vali called out from behind one of the pillared window frames.
"As have I."
He stepped around to reveal himself, but didn't take a step into the courtyard garden, though his gaze followed where mine lingered on the clear patch of sky where the Lady Freyja had disappeared.
"So we will eat their food then go home?"
A breath of laughter left me. "Yes. We should try to make a dent in their wine reserves as well, should we not?"
"A grand idea, my lady."
"No need for flattery, Uncle of my mate." I smirked over at him. "I've already agreed to keep you safe. Come help me find Hati. He didn't look alright when I left him." Sighing, I turned my eye once more over the glittering garden before making my way back inside. "This place isn't good for any of us."