Chapter Thirty-Four

n.

"What are you doing here, Nastassia?" Gray asks tiredly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He still looked perfect even after being woken up at three in the morning. The time was due to the fact that I couldn't sleep. Everyone else had forgiven me except for Gray and I understood why. I was a terrible person. To him, and everyone else around me. I didn't deserve forgiveness, but I was hoping for it anyway.

"I need to talk to you...about everything. I know I've done terrible things, but can you hear me out? I can't imagine living anymore of my life without you in it". "I guess, yeah. Cason isn't here, so you can come in". I was aware of that fact, since I saw him on the way here, with Peony up against a brick wall- kissing each other as if it was their sole reason for existing.

I walk past him, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne, and settle down on one of the beds. It was the one with the duvet smoothed out even though he had just climbed out of it. I'd never been in his room before this moment, but I just knew. He sits on the bed across from me, tapping the pad of his thumb against each of his fingertips repeatedly on his right hand, while leaning back on his left one.

"What's up?".

"I love you, toady. I haven't told you that in a while, haven't even let myself think it, but I do. You were always the best friend I've ever had. We had almost all of our firsts together and honestly, it scared me. I've never had someone who just LOVED me, without requirement. You loved me, simply for who I was and my mom didn't let me believe that I was capable of that. After a while I started to believe it myself"

"So as soon as possible, when I had the opportunity, I was happy to push you away before you could do the same to me. And I've never regretted anything more. I didn't mean any of those things that I said about you. Because, maybe I didn't let you see my whole heart, but you always let me see yours. I just...I want to be your friend again. I need a real, genuine person in my life. I haven't had that in far too long".

As I was talking, I'd been looking at everything but him. I'd never poured my heart out like that to anyone. Had never cared enough about someone to put my walls down, and ignore the blaring alarms going off in my head about my loss of self preservation. Because being mean and defensive was how I kept myself from at least LOOKING like the things people did hadn't affected me. I felt sick to my stomach, but for him, it was worth it.

"Nastassia" he says softly, but I stay focused on the cuticles of my right hand. They didn't look as good as they usually did. Had I been neglecting my hand creams? One of my biggest fears is old people's hands. They always looked so BAD. I didn't want mine to end up that way. I had to add hand cream to my daily agenda. It's just as important a task as the rest of them, in my opinion.

"Peach. Look at me, Peach" he says, leaning over just far enough to gently turn me to him by my chin. His hands were soft on my skin. He never forgot his hand cream, I bet.

"I messed up" I say shakily, trying desperately to swallow the knot of feelings in my throat. Why did good feelings never affect you as much as the terrible ones?

"I love you, too. You did mess up, and it hurt me like hell. But it could have never hurt as much as not speaking to you for another two years. I want you in my life, Nastassia. More than anything in this world, I want you in my life. You know I could never be mad at you forever".

He slides his hand down my arm until he locks fingers with mine and tugs me, with little resistance, into his lap, burying his face into my neck like he always used to do. "It felt like an infinite amount of forevers since the last time you called me Peach. But it wasn't, was it. It's just been that long since I admitted to myself that I wanted to hear it, Toady".

"You smell good" is all he replies, his voice thick, since he'd started to cry. One thing I loved about him, is that he was always in tune with his emotions. I loved so many things about him. And his forgiveness is one trait I'd cherish forever. I didn't deserve this, but I wouldn't take it for granted.