Chapter 9: HUGE X3: Chapter 9

The pool house is dark inside but Austin turns on the lights and we all shuffle into the den. The atmosphere is so tense that I feel like singing really loudly, just to break it up.

‘Do you guys want some time?’ Jason asks, looking between me and Bryan.

‘Yes, we definitely do.’ I grab Bryan by the arm and drag him toward the kitchenette. The twins head to the bedroom and close the door quietly behind them.

Bryan shakes off my grip and rests his hands on the counter, looking at me fiercely. I’ve never seen him angry. The flash of his dark green eyes is kind of mesmerizing.

‘Look, Katelin. Cut the attitude, okay?’

‘Attitude?’

‘Yeah. All the glaring and moodiness.’

‘You don’t think I’ve got a right be angry.’

‘Angry about what?’

I put my hands on my hips and glare at him, doing exactly what he’s trying to tell me off about. ‘Angry that our parents are dating and that you knew.’

‘Who told you I knew?’

I pause for a second, realizing I actually don’t know that for sure. ‘Are you telling me that you had no idea?’

He doesn’t say anything but is still staring at me furiously. ‘So you did know!’ I shout.

‘So what if I did? Your mom told me not to say anything because you have a rule. What was I supposed to do?’

‘Oh my god. We’re friends Bryan. At least I thought we were. You could have told her you weren’t prepared to keep a secret like that from me.’

‘I did it for you,’ he says. ‘Before your mom, my dad was going through women like water. I didn’t think it was going to last more than a month. What was the point of upsetting you for nothing? Then, when it went on for two months, then three I kept thinking it was only a matter of time before dad moved on. When it got to a year I wanted to tell you but it had been too long. And my dad told me it was serious. Then…’ He trails off, stuffing his hands into his pockets like he did in the yard. He won’t look at me and I don’t get it. What’s his problem?

‘Then what?’ I demand.

‘Then dad told me that I needed to start thinking of you as a sister because it was only a matter of time before we were going to be family.’

He says that last bit as though he has something disgusting in his mouth and I feel like I need to sit down. All this stuff has been going on in his life and I had no idea. Suddenly, I put two and two together and make five. ‘Is that why?’

‘Why what?’

I blush because what I was going to say will out all the unspoken stuff that has been marinating between us for years. I don’t know if I can bear to say it and have him tell me I’m wrong. But at the same time this is my opportunity. This is what I have been desperate to clear up. I have to take the bull by the horns and come out with it. I have to know once and for all, if nothing else so that I can put all my unrequited feelings to bed.

‘All our friends were telling me that you were interested in me but you never made a move. Is this why?’

Bryan sighs, looking me in the eyes with such a solemn expression on his face I want to pull him in for a hug. I’m so angry with him, but inside all the feelings that I’ve pushed down for lack of nurturing on his part are there, tightening around my heart. ‘I couldn’t, okay. I wanted to, but you’re going to be my sister, Katy.’

‘Stepsister,’ I say. He pulls out a bar stool and gestures for me to sit. When we’re perched at the counter he leans forward and takes my hand.

‘Katy,’ he says quietly. ‘You don’t know my dad. I couldn’t go against his wishes and risk hurting you in the long run. If he found out that we were together, he’d cut me off. I need his support to finish college. I’m supposed to be joining him in the family business, and maybe taking it over eventually. I didn’t want to start something with you that I couldn’t finish.’

Bryan strokes his thumb over the skin on the back of my hand and looks at where we are touching. He’s so gentle with me that it hurts my heart.

‘But you wanted to?’

‘Of course I did. It’s killed me to be friends with you all this time, to want you so badly, to see you with other guys and know that I couldn’t make you mine.’

I think back to yesterday when he came to my house to find out if I was okay. He didn’t once criticize me for what I did with his brothers. He should have been so angry, but all he did was show me concern. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad about that. If he really cared about me so much, shouldn’t he be angrier and more possessive? He needs to know the impact that all this has been having on me.

‘You know, it’s killed me to want you and to think that maybe you wanted me too and for nothing to ever come of it. I’ve been single for so long, waiting for you.” As I say the words I realize that all the years of wondering have hurt me more than I’ve ever admitted to myself.

He looks up into my eyes, his jaw clenched. His hand tightens around mine as though hearing how I feel has made him lose some of his control. This whole situation feels so fucked up. Our parents’ relationship has put a wedge between us, and now the fact that I’ve slept with his half-brothers is not exactly going to help things. Add to that my medical situation – which I almost didn’t remember for all of the drama – and I have no idea what to say to him. Where do we go from here now that everything is out in the open?

‘Bryan,” I say, wrapping both of my hands around his. My voice is a whisper laced with longing but he won’t look at me now. I tug at his hands, willing him to meet my gaze, if only so that I can see what he’s thinking. “Bryan,” I say louder. His eyes meet mine for a second and he starts to move forward on his stool. My heart skips when I think that maybe he’s going to kiss me and I’m finally going to feel his beautiful soft lips against mine.

Then there’s a loud knock at the door and the moment is gone. “My dad,” Bryan says, sliding off the stool as though we were doing something so dreadful by sitting next to each other that he has to distance himself from me.

I watch him walk to the door and hear Jason and Austin come into the den again. As soon as Bryan opens the door, Doug is striding into the room, glancing around for evidence of wrongdoing. His nose twitches as though he’s sniffing for evidence of what he thinks is going on.

“Dad,” Bryan says, closing the door.

“Bryan, you need to take Katelin home now,” he says firmly. I don’t like being ordered around, especially by someone I’ve just met, but at the same time this is Bryan’s dad and maybe my future step dad. I really need to tread carefully here.

“We were just getting ready to play,” I say, heading towards the sofa.

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible tonight.” Doug moves forward as though he would actually block my way if I didn’t stop where I am. “I need to talk to Austin and Jason about something and it can’t wait.”

I look between the boys, wondering what to do. Austin nods and Bryan takes a step towards me. “We’ll speak to you later,” Jason says. The room is quiet as my brain digests the fact that I am actually being kicked out. This is not how I expected our evening to go, by any stretch of the imagination.

“I guess we’d better go then,” I say to Bryan. He looks so relieved; I guess because he knows that I don’t usually let people order me around.

I don’t say anything but grab my purse from the counter and head for the door. I stomp all the way around to the front of the house where Bryan’s car is parked. He easily keeps pace with me because his legs are so damn long. We don’t speak because I’m mad and he knows it.

He pops the locks and I take a seat, breathing deep when I realize that the car smells just like him. We’re on the road before he speaks.

“I’m sorry about that…you know, my dad.”

“You don’t need to apologize for him, Bryan.”

“I do. He’s a rude asshole a lot of the time.”

“So that’s his problem, not yours.”

I glance at him and his knuckles are white as he clutches the steering wheel too tightly.

“It’s my problem when he’s messing up my life.”

“But if that’s the case, you have to confront him, not apologize for him.”

“You don’t know my dad,” he says, sounding defeated.

“I think I’ve sized him up pretty well in the last half hour, though.”

Bryan shakes his head ruefully and it pisses me off so much that my strong, confident friend is so curtailed by a man who seems to me to be a bit of a bully. I’m starting to wonder what the hell my mom sees in him.

It doesn’t take long for Bryan to reach my house. He parks a little before my driveway and turns off the engine. We sit in silence for a while and my mind races through all the things I want to say but nothing seems right. Bryan rests his hands on his thighs and stares straight ahead. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Mindreading has never been a superhero trait that I’ve been particularly interested in before but it’s making its way to the top of my list right now.

“So you have an appointment tomorrow?” he asks.

“Yeah. 10am.”

“That’s good.”

“I guess.”

We sit for a while longer and I watch the breeze move the shrubs at the front of our yard and the next door neighbor’s cat prowling along the sidewalk. The night is quiet but I’m so restless. I can’t sit in this car any longer and deal with all these emotions bubbling inside me but still feel so unbelievably empty. No matter how I look at things, I feel as though Bryan has let me down. He may have had his reasons but I think about what I would have done if the situation was reversed and I know I wouldn’t have made the same choices. I would have been honest and I would have fought for him. As much as I understand his loyalty to his father, I just can’t get past the fact that he didn’t feel enough for me to stand up to his dad.

“I should go,” I say, needing desperately to get out of the car before I say all the things I’m thinking and ruin whatever friendship we have left right now.

“Katy,” he says, taking hold of my hand. We both stare at his grip on me and I can hear his breathing quicken. I wait because I need him to step up here. I need him to make the first move to break free from his father’s shackles because if I push him and things go as badly as he predicts with regard to his family and financial situation, I know he’ll blame me in the future. “You know that I care about you…so much.”

I exhale the breath I didn’t realize that I was holding and tug my hand from his. It’s funny how empty words can sound, even when you’re desperate to hear them. “But that isn’t enough, is it?”

I don’t wait for him to reply. I’m out of the car and running towards my house before he can say a word, and as soon as I get the front door open, I let the tears I’ve been holding in finally fall.