Chapter 5: HUGE X3: Chapter 5

The house is quiet when I open the door. It must be about 6:30am so I don’t know why I was hoping mom would be awake. I need her but I’m not ready to go and wake her to deliver such difficult news.

I make my way up the stairs, drop my stuff on the bed and head to my bathroom immediately. I wish so hard that I was in a different place mentally right now. I should be sitting on my bed, giggling and reliving it all blow by blow. As I undress, I look at my body in the mirror and see the evidence of what I shared with Austin and Jason; the sore tips of my nipples and little red marks where they nibbled my thighs and stomach. Between my legs, I’m sore but not uncomfortable. I cup my hand over the place that was the source of so much pleasure and try to remember how amazing it all was before.

I fire up the shower and wait for it to run hot enough. When I’m standing under the water I gently touch the breast where the lump is. I do as Austin asked me to do and raise my arm in the air. It’s definitely a lump.

Tears stream from my eyes and my heart races with the knowledge that this is real. It’s real and I’ve been ignoring it for weeks.

I wash quickly, swiping at my face and scrubbing at my body with anger. For fuck sake, I’m only twenty-one. This kind of shit isn’t supposed to happen to people like me. I haven’t done anything with my life yet. I’m only just starting to feel like I’m living.

In the bedroom, I towel myself dry and put on some yoga pants and a slouchy off-the-shoulder shirt that has an angry looking graffiti tag on the front. Something to match my mood. I hear mom flushing the toilet and then making her way downstairs. In the mirror, my eyes look puffy but I don’t do anything to cover it up. I want mom to ask me what’s wrong because I don’t know how to start the conversation where I tell her.

I take a seat at the kitchen table and wait for mom to turn from the coffee maker. As soon as she sees me her face changes.

“What’s wrong, Kitty Kat? Is everything okay?”

I’m in tears before I can say a thing and she’s across the kitchen and folding me into a hug before I can utter a word. “Hey, baby. It’s okay. It’s okay,” she murmurs and I wish it were true. I wish she could kiss my hurt better like she did when I was a kid. I wish that life were simpler.

“I found a lump, mom.”

She goes so still and quiet. I can feel that she’s stopped breathing. She pulls back to look at my face. “In your breast?”

I nod and she gets the same expression on her face that she used to wear when we visited Auntie Marie in the hospital.

“I’ll make an appointment for you to see a specialist,” she says. “It’s probably nothing, but we need to make sure.” She smooths away my tears and kisses my cheek, then she’s all in business mode. Mom always gets like this when she’s worried. She doesn’t deal well with emotions and stress. The house will be spotless by this afternoon because she’s about to go on a cleaning frenzy, I can tell. Anything to take her mind off what is really going on.

“Thanks,” I say. I guess there’s nothing more to add. I can stress about this or do what Jason said and deal with it as it comes.

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and I tap in my pin to see who’s messaging me so early. It’s Jason. They asked for my phone number when we said goodbye. I feel my cheeks flush as I remember how he kissed me outside my house. It was so gentle and tender. Not what I expected at the end of a one-night stand.

J – You okay, Katelin? Did you tell your mom?

K – Yeah. Just now. She looks really stressed but she’s gonna book an appointment for me to get checked out.

J – Good. Try not to worry. I know it’s easy for me to say.

K – Thanks…you know. For being so kind. Did you talk to Bryan?

J – Yeah. He’s pissed. But he’s also worried as fuck. He’s gonna be in touch.

K – Okay.

I swallow around the lump that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my throat. I’m not the kind of girl that enjoys a pity party but something about knowing that people are worried about me warms my heart.

J – Everything will be okay.

K – I hope so.

J – If you need anything…

I know it’s gonna be at least a day before I can get an appointment with a specialist. What am I going to do with myself all that time? I’m definitely going to need some kind of distraction. I could call Jenna or Carrie. I could see what Abi is up to, maybe head to the mall for some retail therapy. Somehow none of those options seems as appealing as spending time with the twins. I consider asking if they want to do something but I’m nervous. What if they don’t want to see me again? What if the thing with Bryan is too much for them to get past? I guess that I don’t have much to lose. If they say no, they say no. It’s not like their approval is something I’m seeking. I just like the idea of being with them. I know they’d help me take my mind off things without too much pity and worry. I think my friends are going to freak out when I tell them what’s going on, and I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with that. I reply to Jason with a light invitation and a small bubble of hope in my heart.

K – This town doesn’t have much going on. You like movies?

J – Sure. You wanna hook up later?

K – I think so. Drive thru?

J – Sounds good. I’ll tell Austin.

I pause for a moment. Of course Jason would tell Austin. They’re on vacation together and after last night it would just be weird if he didn’t. But what about Bryan? I feel like I have to ask.

K – Okay…what about Bryan?

J – You want me to tell him too?

Now there’s a question. I can’t exactly say no. That wouldn’t be fair. But saying yes has all kinds of strange connotations. He knows what I did last night. Will he feel like a tag-along? Maybe he’ll think we’re heading out on a date before more sex. I’m too confused about everything and overwhelmed by what is going on to worry about too much of this.

K – Yeah. Tell him. No problem.

If Bryan has a problem with me, he’ll say no. If he comes along, who knows how that’s going to work out, but I guess I might be about to find out.