Chapter 4: HUGE X3: Chapter 4

Oh my god. I’m freaking out. This has nothing to do with the sex. Nothing to do with feeling bad for having the most fucking amazing night of my life. Nothing to do with the fact that I really like these guys and they are going to be leaving town in a few weeks.

Austin thinks I have a lump in my breast and it’s not just the hormone thing that I was putting it down to.

I knew it was there. I felt it a few weeks ago while I was in the shower, but my breasts are lumpy. They feel different at certain times of the month so I explained it away. I was due to get my period and then I forgot about it.

But Austin thinks I need to get it checked out.

I’m pulling my panties on and I can feel the twins watching me. I grab my bra from the floor and slip it on, then step into my dress and tug the clingy fabric up my body. I want to feel my breast and see if what he’s saying is right, but what the fuck do I know. I may know my body but I’m no oncology major.

Fuck.

“Katelin,” Austin says from behind me. He’s gotten up from the bed and is pulling on some shorts that must have been lying around.

“Just don’t,” I say firmly, as my throat closes with the burn of tears that I do not intend to let go in front of them. This whole situation feels so wrong. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. What we just did was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. They’re amazing. I felt amazing.

But none of that is going to matter now because all they’re going to remember about me is that I might be sick. That makes me feel about as unsexy as I have ever felt in my entire life. Even in my clothes I feel naked.

“Hey,” Jason says. “Just take a deep breath, Katelin. Austin isn’t giving you a diagnosis, okay. He’s just telling you that you shouldn’t ignore what’s there. Get yourself checked out.”

“I heard what he said,” I hiss. I know that I shouldn’t be angry with Jason. I shouldn’t be angry with either of them, but I’m so damn scared that I don’t know what to do with myself. They don’t know the history of my family. They have no idea what this could mean for me.

I suck in a deep breath and hold it. I wrap my arms around myself and find that I can’t move from the position of stillness that I’ve created. Moving would mean facing things. Leaving this room will mean that I have to tell mom. It’ll mean I have to actually do something and that something could change everything.

A terrible thought suddenly crosses my mind. What if tonight was the universes offering of good before I’m faced with an epic ton of shit? What if I was given a chance to live out my fantasies because this is it for me? Everything is about to go downhill.

I feel a warm hand on my shoulder which makes me curl in on myself. I don’t want to cry but I’m not strong enough to hold it in. My chest hitches as I finally give in to the panic and sadness and utter fear. Austin turns me and pulls me against his chest, holding me tightly as though he wants to help hold me together. Jason is there too, his big kind hand rubbing my back soothingly. I know they are probably looking at each other, communicating in their weird learned-in-the-womb language, but I can’t bring myself to care. I soak up their reassuring strength and closeness. I do what I crave and breath in Austin’s scent and somehow, just the smell of him makes me feel safer.

“It’s okay,” Jason says. “Let it all out.”

And I do, until there is nothing left. I’m wrung out.

It’s Jason who finally draws me away from his brother and picks me up. He carries me into the bathroom and sets me on the counter. He finds a clean washcloth, wets it and hands it to me so that I can wipe my face. He watches everything with his serious eyes and when I’m done, he kisses me gently on the mouth.

“It might be nothing,” he says.

“I think it’s something.”

His expression darkens but he cups my cheek. “You don’t know that. You’re gonna have to take each stage as it comes otherwise you’ll keep getting upset when there might be nothing to worry about.”

I know he’s right but my stomach is tight with dread.

“I need to go home now,” I say.

“We’ll drive you.” Jason picks me up and carries me out into the den. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face there, happy to let go and allow myself to be taken care of for a change. Austin already has my coat, shoes, and purse and is waiting by the front door. He turns to open the door and then we make our way back to the car. For a moment I think about the twin’s family and whether anyone might be looking out of a window. I can’t imagine what a strange picture we must make.

When I’m settled in the car – Jason gets in the back with me this time – Austin reverses out of the drive. Just as we’re about to pull away, Austin stops the car and lowers his window. I’m curled into Jason so I don’t immediately see who he’s talking to but I recognize the voice immediately.

“Hey guys,” Bryan says, sounding jovial and I freeze.

“Hey Bryan,” Austin says breezily.

“Where are you guys going?”

“Just taking a friend home.”

“A friend?” Bryan says. “You guys don’t waste any time.”

“Chill, dude,” Austin says. It’s almost dawn and the car certainly isn’t dark inside. I know if Bryan tries to look at who’s in the back with Jason, he’ll see me. It takes me until this moment for the penny to finally drop here. Bryan must be the family that the twins are visiting. I’m such an idiot for not asking them. I got wrapped up in my lust and their likeness to a sexy comic book character, and disregarded what was right in front of me.

“Okay, man,” Bryan says. “You gonna come in for breakfast when you get back?”

“Sure,” Austin says.

It’s quiet for a moment and I still have my face buried against Jason but when I hear my name I realize that Bryan was nosy enough to peek inside the car. My face may be covered, but my hair is such a giveaway that it’s me.

“Katelin?” He sounds so confused. “Katelin, is that you?”

I don’t want to raise my head. I know I look like shit and I’m certainly not up to any kind of questioning at this point in time, but I can’t just pretend I’m not here.

“Hey, Bryan,” I say.

I watch as a whole raft of expressions pass over his face.

“You know my brothers?” he says, looking so confused I actually feel sorry for him. That’s before I take exactly what he just said.

“Brothers?” My voice is a little too high pitched.

“Half-brothers,” Jason says gently.

“We went to The Red Devil,” Austin says. “We went out for a drink.”

“And came back with a girl?” Bryan says.

There is a moment of silence after he speaks that is so deafening that I actually get the urge to scream. No one says anything. Bryan is looking between us all as though he doesn’t want to believe what is running through his mind. He’s friends with Ethan and Nathan so it’s not as though threesomes are something alien to him.

In the end, it’s Austin who breaks the silence.

“We’ve gotta drive Katelin home now. We’ll be back in a little bit.”

“I can take her home,” Bryan blurts out. He sounds angry, as though he feels like he needs to get me away from these people he knows are practical strangers to me.

“That’s okay,” I say. “I’m in this car now. But I’ll speak to you tomorrow, okay?”

He looks torn, as though half of him wants to object and insist, but the other half is still unsure about what the fuck is going on.

“Okay,” he says eventually. “If that’s what you want.”

I nod, and Austin and Jason say goodbye to their brother and the car moves off down the street. It’s deathly silent. I can tell the twins picked up on Bryan’s mood. I know they want to ask me but are worried about my state of mind. I can’t stand the tension.

“So you’re Bryan’s brothers?”

“Half-brothers,” Jason says.

“Yeah, I got that part.”

“You know Bryan?” Austin asks.

“You could say that.”

“Fuck,” Jason mumbles under his breath. I can tell he thinks we have some kind of relationship history and is worried that they have trodden on Bryan’s turf.

“We’re friends, okay?”

“He didn’t look at you like you were just friends.”

“We are, Austin. Nothing has ever happened between us. There were rumors that he liked me a while back. But nothing ever happened.”

“Shit.” Jason’s on a roll with the expletives.

“Look,” I say, feeling more than a little pissed off. “Bryan doesn’t own me. Fucking hell. I’m single. I wanted to have a good time and I did. You’ve got nothing to be swearing about, okay?”

“It’s not that simple.” Austin looks at me in the rear-view mirror and his eyes are worried. “If a man likes a woman, it doesn’t matter if they’ve consummated that situation, he still has rights.”

“Consummated! This isn’t the middle ages,” I say. “No one has rights over me except me. No one can tell me who I can give my rights to and who I can’t.” Jason mumbles something and I look at him crossly. “Bryan doesn’t get to pretend to like me for years and then suddenly, when I move on and find someone who actually does, have a fit about it.”

“He does,” Austin says. “Because we’re his brothers. He’s gonna ask us what happened and I won’t lie to him.”

“Did I ask you to?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Well then. If he has a problem with it, tell him to take it up with me. How were any of us supposed to know, and why the fuck should we care anyway?”

The twins are silent for a while. I know they’re in a difficult position. If I found out I’d slept with someone that Abigail had liked, I’d be mortified too, even if I had no idea about her feelings at the time. I do get what they’re saying but it still feels shitty and wrong. This is my body. I get to choose who I let into it and who I don’t.

As I think that last part I get a flashback of when Austin felt my breast and went still.

My body.

My body that might be killing itself.

“Just take me home,” I say quietly. “Bryan is the least of my worries right now.”