Chapter 12: HUGE X3: Chapter 12

The waiting is hard. I just want to know what the results of my biopsy are so I can deal with it head on. I sleep badly after Carrie’s baby shower. She called me when it was done and we had a short chat about the tough subject of the C-word and a very long chat about the subject of Bryan and the twins. Bless her, she still can’t get her head around me following in her footsteps, or the fact that Bryan has confessed his feelings but is still not really following through. She was even more surprised when I told her about our parents’ marital intentions. At least my current ‘situation’ is putting all that on hold for a while.

It’s 9am when my phone rings. I’m just stepping out of the shower and when I see it’s Nathan. We don’t usually talk on the phone so I know this must be him calling with some news.

“She’s gone into labor hasn’t she?” I squeal.

“Yeah. We’re on our way to the hospital,” he says sounding breathless. “She’s in a lot of pain.”

“Well, I think that’s kinda standard when you’re having a baby.”

“I don’t know. She’s bleeding a little too.”

“Bleeding.”

“Yeah.”

“You need to get her there as quickly as you can,” I say. I put Nathan on speaker and start to throw on my clothes. I may not have any real life experience of having babies but I’ve watched enough hospital dramas to know that any kind of bleeding is bad. My heart starts pounding as I hear Carrie moaning in the background. I hear Ethan’s voice saying something in a soothing tone.

“Ethan’s driving,” Nathan says, as though that’s enough for me to understand they’re going as fast as they can.

“I’m on my way to the hospital,” I say. “She’ll be fine. They’ll all be fine.”

Nathan is quiet for a moment. “We’ll see you there,” he says.

I hang up the phone and slip on my sneakers, then grab my purse and coat and I’m running out the door as fast as I can. The drive to the hospital passes in a blur. I know I speed most of the way and swear at a few too many slow drivers, but I need to know what’s going on. I need to be there for my friend.

In the lot, I swing my car into a tiny space and dash into the main reception. It takes a while for me to work out where I’m going, but then I’m sprinting toward the maternity unit as fast as my little legs will carry me.

I buzz at the door to the maternity unit and once I’m in I ask the lady at reception where Carrie is. She consults a piece of paper in front of her and then points me down the hallway to the waiting room. When I round the corner I see Ethan and Nathan sitting on chairs with their heads in their hands. I’m not expecting them to be out here. They should be in with Carrie supporting her through this. I’m about to tell them that when Nathan looks up. His eyes are red and his cheeks are wet. My knees almost give way.

“What’s going on?”

“She’s been rushed into the operating room,” he says. Ethan looks up and his face is as devastated as his brothers.

“For a C-Section?”

“Yeah. She’s was bleeding a lot when we got here. They didn’t even really talk to us, just put her on a gurney and wheeled her away. Then a nurse came out and said they think she has a ruptured placenta.”

“Oh.” I take a seat next to Ethan and rest my hand on his shoulder. “She’s going to be okay. She’s in the best place and they probably deal with this kind of thing all the time.”

They both nod but don’t say anything.

We sit and wait in silence. Neither of the twins is in any state to deal with people, so I send a quick message to Bryan to let him know what’s happening. Just as I’m pressing send, Carrie’s mom and the twin’s dad burst into the waiting room. The twins are up on their feet in a second to hug their parents and everyone looks so worried. I stand and hug Carrie’s mom and do the only thing I can do; reassure her that everything is going to be fine, even though I know I don’t know anything.

We all sit down and wait in silence. It’s about ten more minutes before a woman in scrubs emerges from behind the doors to the surgical wing.

We all stand and she comes to stand in front of the twins.

“Your daughters have been born and they’re fine. We’re taking them to the NICU because they’re a little on the small side.”

For a moment I breathe a sigh of relief that there is good news, but it is short lived.

“I’m afraid there have been some serious complications for Carrie.”

I stand, looking at the back of this medical professional’s head, not wanting to believe what I fear she’s about to say. My hand goes to my mouth because I’m crying and I don’t want to make the terrible sound that I can feel is about to force its way from deep inside me. My friend.

“She has a rare complication called Amniotic Fluid Embolism.”

It takes a moment for me to realize that the doctor or nurse is speaking about Carrie in the present tense. “What does that mean?” Carrie’s mom asks. Her face is so grave and ashen.

“It means that some of the fluid or cells from the babies has crossed into Carrie’s blood stream. It’s triggered a severe allergic reaction.”

“She’s allergic to the babies?” Ethan asks, sounding confused.

“Not to the babies as such. The presence of this foreign matter in her system has disrupted her own functions. She’s suffered cardiorespiratory failure and hemorrhaging, and the team are working to stabilize her.”

“She’s had a heart attack?” The twins’ dad says slowly, as though he can’t believe it could be true. I can’t believe it either. She was fine yesterday. She’s so young.

“It’s a very rare complication but very serious.”

“You mean she could die?” Ethan says so quietly I almost don’t hear it. Nathan looks at his brother like he wants to punch him for voicing such a terrible thing, but also like he wants to hug him. They’re locked together in their devastation.

“There is a risk of that. The hemorrhaging she is suffering is very serious.”

“Oh god,” Carrie’s mother says. Her knees seem to go out from under her and Carrie’s stepdad scoops her up and helps her to take a seat. She’s crying so uncontrollably I have to turn my back or else I know I’ll be there with her.

Ethan has his head in his hands and Nathan…I can’t even.

I know I should be stronger. I know I should be able to stand with these people who love my best friend as much as I do, but I can’t. My legs carry me out of that waiting room so fast I don’t register where I’m walking. People passing me stare and for a second I wonder why, before my mind catches up on the fact that I’m crying so hard I’m struggling to catch a breath. Carrie. Fuck.

I start praying for her. I’m not a religious person in the true sense but I’m spiritual enough to believe that my pleading for her life is worth a try. She’s a good person, a kind person. She loves her family and friends. She’s loyal and fun and has a whole amazing life in front of her. She doesn’t deserve this fucking twisted set of events. She should be cuddling her babies right now, surrounded by peace and love, not be fighting for her life in some sterile operating room.

I sob, now running through the corridors, desperate for air. My body is racked so hard that I feel bile rise in my throat, and, as I hit the door to the parking lot, I feel myself heave. I make it as far as a patch of soil and plants before I lose my breakfast. I can’t even hold myself up and my knees hurt so badly when I flop down onto them. My fingers are in the dirt but I don’t care. I just want my friend to be okay.

I kneel there, half sobbing, half pleading with the universe to do the right thing for a change, when I sense someone kneeling down next to me. I can’t look to see who it is. Probably hospital security, wondering what I’m doing.

“Katelin?” Bryan’s voice is confused. “Are you sick?” He touches my shoulder and I flinch. “Hey. What’s going on?”

I don’t know how to tell him. I guess Nathan must have called Bryan when he called me so he can’t know yet. I don’t know how to repeat the words that medical professional seemed to spout so easily. For me to say that Carrie might die will make it even more real in my mind and I can’t bear it.

“Carrie’s sick,” I say. It’s all I can manage and I guess Bryan must guess from my current state that it’s serious because he puts his arms around me awkwardly and pulls me into his lap. I know I must stink but he doesn’t seem to care. He holds my head close to his chest and rocks me gently.

“I just…” I don’t know how to tell him how lost I am, how scared I am. In his arms I feel safe but angry. Always angry, because there is so much lingering between us. Why didn’t he care for me enough to tell his dad that I was more important than his stupid rules? Why couldn’t he put me first? I would have for him. I’d have told my mom that the things she was holding out as important were ridiculous. Who cares if our parent’s get married? Not me. But it’s all too late now. My results will be in tomorrow and I know in my heart of hearts what the news is going to be. My family history writes my future. Months of treatment to heal my body from itself, followed by weeks of accepting that nothing will work. Our DNA is a language that our human efforts just don’t seem able to crack, and the gene I carry will score out my destiny in thick black permanent marker.

I’m shaking now, my heart racing at a rate that is frightening me. I’m out of control in a way that I’ve never experienced before, and I don’t know how to deal with it. “Things are changing,” I say, my voice shaking.

“I know,” he says, rubbing my back. His voice is gruff with emotion and I cling to him tighter.

“I don’t like it.”

“I know.”

“What do I do?”

Bryan’s face is so serious. I know he doesn’t have any more of a clue than I do, but I need help. “We go inside and clean you up. Then we go and find out what’s going on with Carrie.”

I shake my head vigorously. I can’t face it; all the worry and the distress. It’s clawing at me inside.

“We have to. They need us.”

I don’t want to hear him, but I do. It’s those six words that make me realize how selfish I’m being out here in the lot, wallowing in my own self-pity. I know that just by being there, by showing our concern and keeping vigil, that Carrie’s family will feel supported, and although it’s going to be fucking hard for me to get up and walk back in there, I have to. She’d do the same for me. Bryan kisses my forehead as though he can sense that I’ve changed my mind, then he helps me stand before getting up off the dirt himself. We both brush off our clothes and I pull some tissues from my purse to wipe my face and blow my nose. Just as we’re about to head back into the hospital, Ethan appears. He looks wrecked and my heart sinks to my feet.

I move closer to Bryan. It’s instinctive because my knees feel like they might give out again and I know he’ll catch me if they do.

“She’s stabilized,” Ethan says in a tone that is filled relief. In that moment I understand that he thought she was going to die too. I blink and the tears that were resting in my eyes spill messily down my cheeks. Carrie’s going to be okay. Maybe. I let out a shaky breath and go to give Ethan a hug. It feels strange to hold my friend’s boyfriend tight against me but I know he needs this, because I do too.

“I thought…” he trails off when his voice cracks.

“I know.” I pat his broad shoulder and squeeze him a little tighter.

“I’ve never been that scared before, about anything.”

“I know,” I say again. “I’m sorry…I just…I couldn’t.”

Ethan pulls back and looks down at me gravely. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.”

“She’s my best friend.” I say it as though I’m stating a fact that nobody knew and Ethan nods in understanding.

“She’s going to be under observation for days. They were really scared they were going to lose her.”

I shake my head, not wanting to hear how close Carrie came to…I can’t even think the word. “Come on,” Ethan says. “Let’s go back.”

In the waiting room, Carrie’s mom is curled into her husband and Nathan is sitting next to his father. He stands when he sees us and comes to hug me and Bryan as though we are long lost friends, reunited after years. “She’s going to be fine,” I whisper against his chest, and he nods. “She is.” There’s that same tone of relief, or maybe it’s disbelief. I understand what it’s like to face into losing someone you love.

We all sit for a while. Bryan busies himself getting coffee for everyone.

After about an hour, Ethan comes to sit beside me. “When we come in this morning, we were prepared for Carrie and the babies to stay a night and then come home. We’ve got nothing with us and we’re going to need to stay here for tonight at least. We need to be here for her, just in case.”

“Of course,” I say quickly. “You want me to get you some things from home?”

“Would that be okay? I don’t want to ask dad. He needs to be here for Carrie’s mom.”

“Sure. No problem.”

Ethan fishes in his pocket for his house keys and hands them to me. I slip them into my purse and wait for Bryan to return from the restroom. We say our goodbyes and I follow Bryan to his car. It’s only when I’m belted in that I close my eyes and say thank you to whoever answered my prayers. Those babies need a mother and there is no one who would ever be able to replace Carrie in that regard.

Bryan doesn’t start the car immediately. He holds the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles are white. “This is fucked up,” he growls. The anger in his voice takes me by surprise because while I was having my moment in the lot, he seemed so calm.

“What?”

“All of this shit. Carrie…she’s so fucking young and she nearly died.”

“I know.” We sit in silence for a few moments longer but I can feel the coiled rage vibrating from Bryan in his posture. “But she’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah,” he says. “She better fucking be. Those boys will be wrecked if anything happened to her. They’d never recover.”

There’s something about the way he says that last part that sounds almost as though he’s speaking for himself.

“Bryan…” I put my hand on his thigh because I feel like I need anchoring and just making contact with his strong body is enough to do that for me. “I…”

He takes hold of my hand before I can say anything else and holds it to his mouth. It’s not a kiss as such but there is so much need and desperation in the contact he makes and the grip of his strong fingers that I start to cry again.

“You’re going to be okay.” He says it like it’s a statement of fact. Like he knows for sure, when really he knows nothing. He says it like he can will it to be so. He says it like it has to be true.

“We should go,” I say, trying to pull my hand back from the softness of his lips. My palm feels damp from his breath. I remember how his lips felt against mine when we kissed in Carrie’s yard and I want to feel that again so much that it hurts. I’m crying too much, though. This is not the time to be doing things that have the power to break my heart.

Bryan lets my hand go and starts the engine. He doesn’t look at me or talk to me the entire way to the small house Carrie, Ethan and Nathan share.

Inside, Bryan heads to the kitchen to check on things. I can see they left in a hurry because there are dishes in the sink. In the bedroom, the bed in unmade and there is a big stain on the under-sheet which I’m hoping is where Carrie’s waters broke. I head to the closet and cry some more when I see Carrie’s little shoes lined up next to the twins’ giant sneakers. It smells of her perfume in here, a scent so strong and familiar that it’s almost as though she’s here with me.

There is a duffle bag on the shelf at the top and I pull it down. I take a pile of lovingly folded t-shirts and a few pairs of jeans and sweats and stuff them in. I reluctantly search out some underwear and socks and pack them too. Back in the bedroom, I decide to strip the bed and remake it so that when Carrie comes home, everything is nice. It doesn’t take long to do and although I wish I had time to do the laundry too, I know Ethan is waiting for these things.

Bryan has loaded the dishwasher and is taking out the trash when I’m back in the kitchen. I peer in the fridge and take a few things that will perish before they’re home and stuff them into the freezer.

“Do you remember when they told us?” Bryan asks when he comes in from the yard.

“What, that they were in a relationship?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you think?”

I lean against the counter and study him, wondering where this thought train is heading.

“I was shocked. I mean, we’re talking about Carrie. Ethan and Nathan had one kind of reputation and Carrie another. I never would have put them together that way. I got the feeling she thought they were cute, but a relationship….it would never have crossed my mind.”

Bryan nods, his expression thoughtful.

“I had a feeling they liked her, but they’d never admit it to me. Every time I asked, they’d divert the subject back to you.”

I blush a little, remember back to those early days when I was still prepared to flirt with him, before I began to feel the sting of rejection.

“Clever tactics,” I say, not wanting to get too drawn into that conversation.

He nods. “I never thought it’d be possible to love two people at once. In the beginning I kept looking to see if I could spot who it was that Carrie liked the best, but I couldn’t. She looked at them both the same, touched them the same.”

“She loves them both,” I say with absolute certainty. Ethan and Nathan might be practically identical but they’re completely different people. Having spent time with them all, I know that they complement each other perfectly, for all their similarities and differences.

“I see that,” he says.

“Why didn’t you ever mention your brothers?” I ask.

He shrugs. “I didn’t know they existed until last summer. They reached out to dad and we went up to New York to meet them.”

“Last summer?” I remember him disappearing for a week. He was quiet when he came back. I’d thought maybe it had been woman trouble.

“Yeah.” Bryan grips the counter, leaning back. “It was hard to meet them. I had a tough time for a while. Not that I didn’t want them in my life. More that I was jealous that they’d had each other growing up and I’d been…”

“Alone.” I can understand that. When dad sends photos of my half-brother and half-sister I feel a connection to them but also resentment that makes me feel horrible inside. Bryan nods his head. “But you’re close now?” I ask, because I’d hate to think I might have disturbed their fledgling relationship.

“Yeah.” He looks at me as though he wants to say something else but then he turns to wash his hands.

“We should go. They’ll be wanting this stuff.” I hand Bryan the bag and we lock up. The journey back to the hospital is tense, but we listen to the radio to fill the silence and I return a few messages from our friends who are just finding out what happened.

At the hospital, the waiting room is busy with people. I go straight to Ethan to give him the bag, then sit next to Carrie’s mom. She doesn’t say anything but puts her hand in mine and squeezes. She has a blanket on her knee. It looks well-loved and I imagine it rested over Carrie’s sleeping form in the past. Maybe even her mom. I can’t wait to see the baby girls wrapped in it too.

“How are the babies? Have you seen them?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “They’re in the NICU. The boys have been but I don’t want to go until Carrie has seen them. A mother shouldn’t be the last to see her own children.”

“She’ll be up and about soon,” I say, and she squeezes my hand again.

“I thought…”

“I know.” I squeeze her hand back to let her know that I understand. We can fear the worst, and even if it doesn’t come to pass, that fear stays with us.

I sit with her for a while, chatting about things that seem silly in the grand scheme; college, plans for the future. It seems that Carrie kept my ‘news’ to herself and I’m grateful. The longer I sit in the hospital, the worse I feel. “I’m gonna go.” I tell her. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Carrie’s mom nods and I rise from my seat, feeling weary. Bryan is deep in conversation. I stand and watch him for a few seconds; his brow is furrowed as he listens to Nathan. He puts his hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezes it in a manly reassuring way that I know is his way of saying he cares. It’s hard to watch him like this. To know that we could have had something great, and fate, for whatever reason, managed to fuck it all up. When I think back to how carefree I was when I first met him, I almost feel like a different person. I miss that girl with nothing to think about other than boys, dancing and the occasional assignment. I want to slip back into her shoes and shrug off the troubles on my back.

It only takes me a couple of seconds to decide what I need to do next.

I turn and stride out of the hospital with one thing on my mind. If I get just one more night to be carefree Katelin, I’m going to take it in the best way I know.