Bound By Love: Chapter 21

ARIA

I put on my thickest coat, a scarf and gloves before I walked out onto the terrace then down the slope toward the water. I watched the sun rise over the ocean, breathing in the cold air. I stood like that for a long time when steps sounded behind me. I turned around, expecting Gianna, but instead Matteo headed my way, dressed in only sweatpants and a shirt despite the freezing temperatures. He and I hadn’t exchanged more than a few words in the last four weeks. I turned back to the water, not sure if I wanted him to disturb this moment of almost peace. I rarely slept more than a few hours at night anymore. But I owed him thanks.

Matteo stopped beside me.

“Thank you,” I said quietly. “For finding the photographer even if it was in vain.” Four weeks, and slowly I was starting to realize that this was it. That the love I’d taken for granted, I’d never experience again.

“Three years ago you kept a secret from Luca for me,” Matteo said in a voice gravelly with sleep. “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t be standing here today.”

I turned toward him and tilted my face up. We’d never talked about that day in the years that followed. “I did it for Luca,” I said because it was the truth and we both knew it. Merely speaking his name burned me up inside.

Matteo nodded, brown eyes searching mine. “And I found that photographer for him too because he needs you.”

I smiled sadly. “The last four weeks proved you wrong. Luca lives his life like he used to. He’s free again, free to party and to take women into his bed.” God, those words tore a hole into my chest, and my throat tightened until I was sure I’d suffocate.

Until Sylvester I’d harbored a flicker of hope but I was done, done with hoping for something that was never going to happen, done with the constant hurting.

Matteo shook his head with a smirk. “He didn’t sleep with the bitch. He didn’t touch her, didn’t do anything.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Four weeks and Luca hasn’t fucked anyone, hasn’t touched a single woman, hasn’t had his cock sucked. If he was done with you, he would have fucked his way through half of New York by now, trust me. The cold-hearted bastard seems to have a heart after all, and it beats only for you. He’s just too much of a stupid fucker to show you.”

Relief filled me, but part of me wasn’t sure if it even mattered that Luca was still faithful to me. Was there hope for us? For our love? Perhaps it was too broken.

“Go to him,” Matteo said imploringly. “He is too fucking proud.”

I turned back to the ocean and didn’t say anything. I wouldn’t go to Luca. I had tried in the beginning, but he kept pushing me back even though he knew I hadn’t cheated. He needed to make a small step toward me, show me that there was still hope for us. I had to protect not only myself but also our baby.

“Luca wants you to let the Doc take a look at you because of your weight loss.”

“I didn’t think he’d noticed—after all, he never even looks at me anymore.”

Matteo frowned. “He looks, trust me.” He waited, then sighed. “Aria, can’t you just fucking apologize to him even if you don’t mean it? One of you has to make the first step.”

“I’m going to get myself a tea,” I said, leaving him standing there. If Luca was worried, he could tell me himself, and yet part of me couldn’t stop the stupid relief that he still cared for my well-being.

I stepped inside, glad for the warmth. The cold had helped with the nausea but now that I was inside, it was back. After getting out of my coat, scarf and gloves, I headed toward our kitchen and turned on the electric kettle to make myself tea. One of the maids had put the tea bags up on the top shelf again, even though I took them down every time. It drove me crazy. I grabbed a chair but hesitated; with my dizziness the risk of falling was too big. I released the chair, opened the door to the shelf and took a spatula.

I stood on my tiptoes and tried to shove the packet with teabags down from the shelf with the spatula, but I only managed to push it further back. A shadow fell over me and I shied back in surprise, then froze. Luca reached into the shelf and grabbed the packet then set it down on the counter. His face was stone, but there was a hint of something in his eyes.

I averted my gaze. “Thanks,” I said quietly.

He didn’t say anything, only nodded before he went over to the coffee maker. I allowed myself a moment to watch him. Like Matteo he wore black sweatpants, but he hadn’t bothered with a shirt. I’d never wanted to touch someone more than I did Luca now. I missed his closeness, his warmth. God, I missed his love. My eyes lingered on the tattoo on his shoulder.

I’ll go where you go no matter how dark the path

I turned away quickly, swallowing hard, and prepared my tea, wanting to get out of the kitchen as fast as possible. With my mug in one hand, I headed for the door when a new wave of nausea mixed with dizziness crashed down on me. The mug left my hand, smashing on the floor, spilling hot tea over my bare feet, but I barely registered the pain because my vision turned black and I tried to reach the table to steady myself. The floor was approaching fast when strong arms wrapped around me, hoisting me up, and my palms pressed up against a hot chest. I sucked in a breath, my forehead dropping forward against muscles. I breathed in deeply, a familiar scent, a scent of comfort and love. My vision cleared slowly.

“Aria?”

The gentle tone I missed so much. My heart seemed to mend and break at the same time.

I raised my head and looked up into Luca’s face. Worry. Was there worry? His brows drew together. God, I loved this man.

As we stared at each other, I could practically see Luca’s mask falling back in place, a mask as impenetrable as steel. Cold and hard. I must have imagined the worry. I dropped my hands from his chest and stepped back, wincing when I realized my feet had been burnt slightly.

“That should be treated with burn salve,” Luca said firmly. “I will call the Doc so he can take a look at you.”

I forced myself to take a resolute step back even as my body screamed to move closer, even as my heart screamed louder for his closeness. “I don’t need him. I’m okay.”

I need only you.

Before I could voice these words, I knelt down and began picking up the shards. When I risked a glance up, Luca was watching me with a look I couldn’t decipher. He appeared almost angry but not quite. Suddenly he reached for me, grabbed my arm and pulled me up. “Go.”

I stared. “I need to clean this up. The maids won’t return until tomorrow.”

Luca’s eyes burnt into me. “Leave.” And his voice shook with… rage? “Just leave.”

I whirled around and left.

A few days later I was curled up on the sofa, reading a book when Gianna joined me. She nodded toward my book. “Is it any good?”

I shrugged. I had trouble focusing on anything for long. I’d read the same page twice and still didn’t know what had happened. She held out a plate with cookies.

“I tried my hand at baking.”

“You can’t bake.” Gianna wasn’t any more talented than me in the kitchen. Lily was the only one who could cook anything remotely edible, but she was spending a few days with Romero’s family. Gianna, on the other hand, was always around, a constant shadow.

“Try them,” Gianna urged.

I reached for one and took a hesitant bite, but the smell of warm dough and chocolate turned my stomach over. To think that I’d loved chocolate before my pregnancy. I quickly swallowed the bite then put the cookie back down.

“Aria, can you please stop starving yourself now?” Gianna hissed suddenly.

My eyes widened with surprise. “I’m not starving myself,” I said. “You see me eat.”

“I do, and it’s not much, and I also see you going to the toilet afterward. Come on, Luca isn’t worth getting bulimia over.”

He was worth anything.

“Do I look that bad?” I looked down at myself. I had lost weight. My body was drawing on my reserves to make sure the baby could grow, and thankfully it did. The doctor was satisfied with its growth after all.

Gianna rolled her eyes. “You’d make catwalk models jealous.”

“Sure, except for the ten inches I’m too small.”

“And then there are your clothes,” she said, gesturing at my loose-fitting blouse. “It’s like you can’t bear to show your body anymore.”

I closed my eyes. “Has Luca said anything?”

“I’m not really on speaking terms with him, as you know.”

I knew. My family was falling apart, and there was nothing I could do.

Apologize to Luca.

But I had already apologized, had begged him not to destroy our love, and he had pushed me away. Gianna’s voice tore me out of my thoughts.

“From what Matteo let slip, Luca is fucking worried. We all are, Aria. Why do you think Luca is suddenly spending half the week in the Hamptons? It’s because he wants to keep an eye on you. I don’t understand the asshole, but he obviously still cares for you in his own twisted way.”

I clenched my fingers. I’d noticed his increased presence but hadn’t dared hope it was because of me. I peered down at myself, at the almost unnoticeable swelling of my belly. How much longer would I be able to keep the pregnancy a secret? I didn’t want us to make up only because of the pregnancy. I wanted us to find our way back together on our own, because our love was strong enough to overcome anything. But eventually I wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore. I was in the twelfth week after all.

“Aria.” Gianna’s voice brought me back. Her face twisted with worry. “Please.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

Gianna sat back, gaping. “Fuck.” She glanced down at my stomach. “How far along are you?”

“Twelfth week.”

Relief settled on her features. “So that’s why you are sick?”

I nodded. “I guess it’s my bad luck that the sickness didn’t stop yet,” I said with a small laugh.

“Bad luck my ass. You have the worst luck, getting yourself pregnant with Luca’s child.” She frowned. “I thought you were taking the pill.”

“I did. But when all the drama with Lily and Romero went down, I forgot occasionally. I didn’t want it to happen. Luca doesn’t want children at the moment.” Or ever.

Gianna leveled her gaze to my stomach and stretched out her arm but stopped a couple of inches away. “Can I touch it?”

I glanced around. We were alone. “Sure.”

She put her palm against my bump, and I relaxed under her touch.

“It’s still so small. Hard to believe that there is a tiny human inside.”

“I know,” I said, looking down at Gianna’s hand against my bump and wishing it was Luca’s hand. Tears gathered in my eyes.

“Oh, Aria,” Gianna murmured and pulled me into a hug. “I hate to see you like this.”

“I’m so lonely, Gianna. I miss him.”

“You see his angry face almost every fucking day, Aria.”

“I miss how he used to be with me. I miss his kisses and his touch, I miss his body beside me at night. I miss his love.” I swallowed. “I miss being held.”

Gianna patted her lap and I lowered my head in it, then she began running her fingers through my hair like she’d done when we were younger. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to relax under her touch. I still had my sisters and the baby in me. Their love would have to carry me from now on. Would it be enough? I wasn’t sure, but it would have to be. Gianna began to hum a soothing melody, and tears squeezed past my lashes. I fell in, humming a lullaby our mother had occasionally sung to us.

She fell silent and tensed under me when steps rang out, familiar steps.

I braced myself before I opened my eyes.

Luca and Matteo stood in the foyer, watching us. Luca’s face was an emotionless mask. He kept me out as he had in the last few weeks. I lifted my head from Gianna’s legs, suppressing the urge to touch my belly as I straightened. “Excuse me,” I said to Gianna and rose to my feet, then walked upstairs. Luca didn’t follow. He never did anymore.

LUCA

A low humming sound greeted us as Matteo and I entered the mansion. We followed the sound into the open living area, and my chest tightened at the sight before us. Aria lay curled up on the sofa, head in her sister’s lap, as Gianna stroked her blonde hair. Aria was crying, eyes closed, tears trailing down perfect but too pale cheeks. So fucking pale.

Gianna froze, her gaze hardening as it settled on me. She didn’t bother hiding her contempt. I didn’t give a fuck, but seeing Aria like this, that got to me. Slowly she opened those stunning blue eyes, and as they met my gaze, hurt and despair filled them. Fuck. It was like a knife to the stomach. It was worse than that.

She sat up but her movements were off, as if she wasn’t sure of her body anymore, as if something was holding her back. I couldn’t say what it was, had no way of reading her because she lowered her head as she hurried past me and upstairs. She avoided me, and most of the time I was relieved because it made things easier, made it easier to ignore her, made it easier to forget the feelings only she could evoke.

When she’d broken down in the kitchen a few days back, I’d thought I’d lose it, and then when she’d gone down to her knees, looking small and hopeless, I’d wanted to crush her to my chest. She didn’t belong on her knees, she wasn’t supposed to look broken. She was a fucking queen among rats.

Whenever she was around, when I was forced to look into her face, I had a hard time holding back the apology that threatened to burst out of me. She had been the one who’d betrayed me in the first place, not in the way I’d accused her of, but a betrayal nevertheless. Three times she’d gone behind my back for her siblings.

Gianna jumped up from the couch and stormed toward me.

“What now?” Matteo asked her with raised hands, but she ignored him and shoved me hard. I narrowed my eyes as I looked down at her, not budging despite her vehemence. Her hands curled to fists and I could tell she had half a mind of hitting me.

Matteo must have seen it too because he gripped her wrist and muttered, “Gianna, get a grip.”

“Get a grip? He’s the one who needs to get a grip.” She shook him off and scowled back up at me. “Can’t you pull your head out of your ass for one fucking second and apologize to Aria, you stupid asshole? You are destroying everything.”

I had grown used to her insults. She had enough self-preservation to reserve them for when we were among family, and she knew I tolerated her disrespect because of Matteo, and Aria. “Apologize?” I asked in a low voice, sending her a scowl in return, but she didn’t back down.

“Yes, apologize. You know she didn’t cheat on you, and you treated her like dirt. You still do.”

“I don’t treat her like dirt.”

I knew Aria hadn’t cheated, but the fact remained that she had gone against me. She had taken money from the Famiglia bank account. She had gone to Chicago in a time of war, had let herself get captured by Dante. If he hadn’t used her to make me lose my mind, she’d still be in his hands, and woman or not, we were at war.

Gianna shook her head, disgusted. It was a look I was used to from her. “She’s fading every day, don’t you see? Is your pride worth losing the one person who doesn’t think you’re a psychotic serial killer?”

I’d seen that Aria had lost weight, but it wasn’t anywhere close to being dangerous yet. I’d asked the Doc. He had assured me that she looked healthy enough, even if he hadn’t examined her in a while because she didn’t want him to.

“I am a killer,” I said simply.

“He is,” Matteo said with a shrug, then he added in an attempt to lighten the mood, “Whether psychotic or sociopathic, that’s definitely up for debate.”

Gianna shook her head, then she whirled around and stomped off.

Matteo sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Your problems with Aria are making my life hell, too. I’m barely getting sex anymore, not even angry sex, and Gianna is the best at angry sex, let me tell you.”

I didn’t doubt it. That woman harbored the fury of fifty hungry wildcats. She was completely intolerable, so unlike her sister. Aria hated arguments, tried to keep people together with her beautiful smile and kind words.

Fuck. The slow smile that began with a soft curl at the corners of that perfect mouth, then spread until it broke across her entire face, wide and stunning.

A fucking hole gaped in my stomach whenever I remembered her smile. She hadn’t smiled in a while.

Matteo watched me silently with a too-knowing expression. “Perhaps Aria started the mess but you will be the one to end it, Luca.”

“I won’t apologize.”

“Fine, but I’m so fucking tired of the tense mood that’s been dragging us down. Not just you and Aria, but Gianna and Liliana, and me and Romero. It’s annoying as fuck, and it’s going to bring us all down. If you are certain that you won’t apologize to Aria for accusing her of cheating and for giving her the cold shoulder, then at least end it for good. You’ve changed so much already in the Famiglia. Make a difference and file for a divorce, then you can return to fucking your way through New York’s it-girls and Aria can find a nice guy to marry.”

“No!” I growled. “Aria is mine. I’ll kill every fucker who dares to touch her. There won’t be a fucking divorce. Ever. And I don’t want to fuck anyone…”

“But her,” Matteo finished. He shrugged. “Then your balls are going to turn blue and fall off, because I don’t think Aria will make the first move again.”