almost lovers

Mara's

That girl seemed familiar, did I saw her somewhere?

Tinanong ko lang naman ang number niya to ask if we've met before at gusto ko lang makipag-friend (really), but when the masungit girl came, I can't help not to tease her, the look on her face made me want to asar her more, I mean that Joan girl is pretty, type ko nga, that kind of girl I'd end up courting...

If you asked, how can I say that in our first encounter, it's simply a gay thing.

Anyway, kailangan ko pang umattend sa kids event na hinanda ng team ko, pumunta lang ako dito to buy more sweets for them.

My assistant is paying pa my groceries and I decided to wait sa car ko, that's when I bumped into Joan.

Now here I am at the parking lot, waiting for my assistant to arrive. It was quiet kaya naman hindi ko maiwasang mag-isip.

"that kind of girl I'd end up courting."

I smiled with the thought.

Malabo.

But nothing's more blurry than my complicated relationship with her.

The devil couldn't reach me, kaya naman he made me a lesbian na pinipilahan ng mga babae

only to end up, falling in love with my brother's girlfriend.

......

"Sab" Jo called

"What?" Tipid niyang sagot

"Hoy galit ka ba?"

"Bakit naman ako magagalit?"

"Bakit nga ba?" Shiloh interrupted

Sabrina remained quiet and instead of answering ay ibinuhos ang buong atensyon sa pagce-cellphone, as if everything she's scrolling for is more important than Jo. She tried to make herself believe that other things matter more than her.

Siguro kung may YouTube channel siya, the very first video she'll be posting about will entitled

'how to gaslight yourself, exclusively with Sabrina"

Earlier when they arrived at Shiloh's, walang imik si Sabrina even at the whole ride she was quiet. Gia and Shiloh went straight to the kitchen to prepare snacks at dun naikwento ni Gia ang nangyari.

Shiloh flopped her body on the sofa, eyeing Joan.

"What?" Joan mouthed

Nagkunot ang noo ni Shiloh hindi makapaniwalang wala paring ka ideya ideya ang kaibigan sa tila pagtatampo ni Sabrina.

Shilo cleared her throat, implying something, pero clueless parin si Jo, making her wonder if she really topped the entrance exam.

"Jo, tulongan mo muna ako 'dun sa kitchen?"

"Ha? e andun na si Gia eh, bakit—"

Hindi na nakapagpatuloy pa ang dalaga when Shiloh pulled her up and drag her all the way sa kusina.

"ang bobo mo"

"What?!"

"Babe" Gia faced Shiloh

"What? It's true" Shiloh shook her head with disbelief

"Oo pero you have to carefully tell her kasi baka hindi niya ma gets"

"Bwesit, ano bang problema niyong dalawa?"

"You" Gia and Shiloh answered in sync

"You're so slow, can't you see that she's jealous?" Shiloh said with visible irritation

"What? Jealous? Of who? And why?"

"She likes y—" Gia gently pat Shiloh's shoulder, signaling her to stop

"Jo, talk to Sabrina" Gia simply said, knowing her girlfriend ain't too calm to say things, good things.

Joan sighed "naiintindihan ko naman. I just don't want to act as if, I...I have the right."

Jo silently left.

Napabuntong hininga nalang si Shiloh.

"Sorry".

"It's okay, love"

"I don't wanna lash out, it's just that they're too slow and it's pissing me off"

"shhh, there's no need to rush my love, yes?" Gia softly encircled her waist, drawing her near into a tender embrace "we have different paces after all, let them take their time" Gia tucked Shiloh's hair, staring at her for a moment, admiring her.

Shiloh smiles sweetly with the gesture, she softly caresses Gia's cheeks before closing the gap between them.

........

Nang bumalik si Jo sa living room ay hindi niya na mahagilap pa si Sabrina

Maybe she went home?  She thought to herself.

Even thinking about it, hurts.

like she was stung and the pain lingers longer.

Her eyes started to get foggy.

Her hands forming into a weak fist.

She's slightly trembling.

Is Sabrina really that mad at her na uuwi ito na walang pasabi?

Her eyes were pressed tightly trying to not let a single tear run down her cheeks.

Hindi siya sigurado but it seems like she heard a thud, her mind started to get cloudy, it can't process anything outside of her miserable state.

But, there's one thing she's sure of...

someone is hugging her from behind.

"breathe, Joan" someone whispered to her "hush, inhale, exhale"

She slowly looked at the person behind her

Sabrina then gently cupped her face "are you okay?"

After hearing that Jo can't help but purse her lips, as she nodded slowly. "Akala ko umalis ka" she said quietly, head hanging low

Sabrina gave her a smile as she gently lift Joan's face

"I'm not going anywhere, Joan Cierra."

........

The day went on at dumating narin sina Geo at Maya and it was absolutely a day well spent.

At dusk, the girl's just chatted and chatted.

At oo, bilang curious na Joan, she really can't help not to ask "ate paano po kayo nagkakilala?"

Geo smiles widely "I feel like kating kati ka to ask that Jo" she chuckled

"sabi mo pa" Shiloh said which Gia agreed on, then they all laugh

Sabrina was sitting beside Joan, she was busy peeling oranges for her "I really wanna know too"

Geo and Maya shared a look then chuckle "ah, well, we met on a blind date" maya casually said

"Blind date?, that's cute" Anya ni Joan "now feed us the details"

They were all waiting for their story to unfold, obviously invested, as they look at them with full attention. Kahit na si Sabrina ay tumigil sa pagbabalat ng orange para kay Jo.

"um, how should I start?" Maya said smiling shyly, she then took a deep breath "so,  Geo and I were on the same class with some of our subjects, hindi kami close, just two people who are not strangers but also.."

"not friends" Geo added

Maya nodded "but we had few interactions naman"

"yes, but we only had our real conversation when we were on a blind date" Geo continued "but after that, we really didn't talk again, just a little hi and hellos whenever we passed by each other sa corridors"

"But we did talk again love" Maya faced Geo before facing the girls "when we became rivals once, battle of bands 'yun Geo was the other team's lead vocalist, and I was to ours. It was crazy"

They were basically finishing each other's sentences like it's something normal, as if, it was a telepathic conversation only with audiences, indicating their shared deep familiarity, Joan would coin it, love language sync, not that she's better than Gary Chapman.

"omg, you were in a band?" Shiloh asked "that's so cool"

They both nodded, Maya more enthusiastic while Geo a bit shy but isn't really denial

"Sabi mo pa, speaking of bands, balak mong sumali sa banda diba, Shi?" Sabrina said chuckling

Shiloh playfully rolled her eyes "eh bakit hindi ka rin ba nag audition?"

Sabrina makes face, before realizing na Joan was staring at her with curiosity "you tried to join a band?" Joan finally asked, knowing na kung sumali si Sabrina, her audition is obviously her, singing or she could be a drummer right?

"Just for fun" Sabrina answered "but Shiloh and I wasn't qualified, or should I say, overqualified" she let out a playful grin

"Kainis 'yun beh, we even tried making a band ourselves" Shiloh said "it was petty and we eventually outgrown the idea"

"Should we make one right now?" Joan suddenly said "I mean there's like six of us"

"Heh, you don't even wanna join the club" Maya interrupted

Joan laugh guiltily "well ate, this one's different, we're trying to heal their inner child" she winked at Sabrina after saying that

Sabrina can't help but smile a sweet sweet smile.

"fine, kahit dito man lang you're finally a member" Maya said jokingly, half meant "sali ka rin babe?" She faced Geo who seems like thinking "basta talent fee 'yung pang araneta" hirit ni Geo which made the other girls laugh

"is this for real? We're definitely in!" Shiloh said enthusiastically, which Gia didn't have a violent reaction with, when her girl agreed, she agrees, it's given. Gia just nodded not really caring about anything else, just Shiloh, just her happy bebe

Everyone seems to agree, except Sabrina who's now cornered by the eyes of everyone in the room, but the only eyes that matters is next to her. Jo's face radiated anticipation with a gentle glow softening her features, the curve of her lips hinted at quiet optimism, while her eyes shone with an expectant sparkle. The subtle rise of her eyebrows suggested a mix of curiosity and hope, as if the very possibility of what's to come had awakened a deep sense of promise within her, as if Sabrina is really that important, as if her words really matter for Jo, and her heart softens, that Jo wanted a piece of her too. It's the little things.

She cleared her throat, faced Jo one more time then smile before saying  "I'm in, leader"

Jo giggles and it sounded like angel humming to Sabrina's ears

"So anong name ng group natin?" Sabrina asked followed by Shiloh "Are we gonna be like kpop idols?"

"Yes yes, and one of us should be red headed, it's a thing in a group right? May isang naiiba" Maya said which Geo had a violent reaction with "Ew no!"

Shiloh said not really considering the idea "Not me"

"I think it should be you, Ate" Jo suggested

"Definitely...no"

"So sino?" Shiloh asked

"We're not that committed after all" anya ni Jo

"You should decide, leader" Sabrina said

"I'm not the leader, Sab"

"You basically form this group, you're like Nicole and we're one direction"

"um, then, who?" Shiloh asked once more, because this is a real issue, kauna-unahang issue nila as a group, she thinks to herself

"Maybe another member we'd meet?"

"It's not a member kung hindi pa natin na meet, Jo"

"So you'd rather be a redhead then Gia?" Jo challenged Gia

"It's decided.... another member then"

They all laugh with Gia's antics

"So anong name natin?"

"We're all girls"

"Why not...." Jo's lips puckered "b..." a soft b sound escaped her parted lips "buh..."

"Buh-ding, buh-kla, mag desisyon ka ng maayos Jo" Shiloh interrupted Jo's internal brainstorming

"Gago"

At nagtawanan na nga ang mga bakla

not knowing that maybe, in another universe, they are the nation's girl group.....with someone who'd gladly be a redhead and a modern mother of God.

........

It was a long night and after cleaning themselves up, some of the girls decided to call it a day.

some.

Well, it took a minute for them to decide who will sleep with who, Geo and Maya doesn't have a problem sleeping next to each other, but, the younger girls, both Sabrina and Joan are uneasy about it, specially Gia and Shiloh, a couple who haven't slept next to each other yet, it's a new experience with unexplored emotions, it remains unexplored, for they have been wrestling this newfound growing desires with their innocence, because for them, knowing that they ache for each other is tantalizing yet terrifying.

the tension.

intensions.

everything was terrifying.

Kalaunan, it was decided na matutulog silang lahat sa iisang lugar, not Shiloh's room because there are six of them and she doesn't want to sleep on her bed while they're all on the floor.

Nasa movie room sila, Gia and Shiloh are lying on the giant bean bag, while Sabrina, Joan, Geo and Maya was on the sofa bed, in a very comfortable way that can cause but not limited to neck pain and shoulder strain, yep ganun ka komportable.

The movie they played is now playing faintly, the room was quiet that you can hear the tiny snores.

And who can hear them? Joan. The girl seemed unfazed by sandman as she remained conscious, her mind and soul wide awake.  Sabrina was sleeping soundly beside her, she smiled knowing she's not really bothered but just shy about it.

It was dark, pero naramdaman niyang tumayo si Maya. Their position is Geo followed by Maya then her and Sabrina.

Hindi niya mapigilan na sundan ang nakakatandang dalaga.

"Ate Maya?" She quietly called, walang sumagot but she heard a soft click from the kitchen.

Maya was getting water from the fridge.

"Ate Maya?"

Maya looked at the direction she's standing "oh hey Joan, you're still awake?"

She nodded shyly "you?"

"Just a bit thirsty, you want some?"

"No thanks, I'm good"

"Can't sleep? You want chenin blanc?"

"Ha?"

Maya laughed "It's from the book I've recently read, come Jo"

Nagkamot ng ulo si Jo still clueless of what the older girl is talking about as she walks towards her

"The thing I said, I quoted it from the book I've read"

"Oh" Jo nodded slowly "must be a good one"

"well yeah, it was an AU, sabi ni Geo jejemon daw"

Jo can't help but chuckle "well, that's her opinion and.."

"And?"

"And I bet you love her more than that book"

Maya smiles "kunting lamang lang" she said which made Joan laugh. Maya pulled two high chairs and tap the other one signaling Jo to sit as well. "All these little things I love, palagi talaga siyang lamang" she deeply sigh a sigh of love.

"How?"

"cause when I do things I'm fond with, I find myself waiting for her reaction, na realize ko, na what matters to me the most is how she reacts with me doing the things I love.."

"And how is that supposed to be? good or bad?"

"It's supposed to be, love, Jo" she smiled at the younger girl "this feels like a therapy session" they both laugh "my point is,  mahal ko talaga 'yun even if she finds my hobbies boring or jejemon, and we won't work as a couple kung ako lang naman ang may gusto sa kaniya, minsan nahuli ko siyang binabasa yung librong sinabi ko, then she told me na there's no harm in trying... trying to love the things that I love"

"But what if she ends up.....not loving it?"

"Then she'll love me for loving the things she don't and I'll love her for loving the things I don't"

indeed it was a long night for the two girls, one with a lover and one who's almost a lover.

.......

"What do you mean? Of course I like you..."

"Like what?"

"Like what? Like a human being, like... your kind heart.."

"Ano pa?"

"....y-your selflessness"

"Ano pa?"

"I like you for who you are"

"Ano pa?"

"Anong ano pa? Is there something more you wanted to hear?"

"Oo, I want to hear more, I want you to want me more"

"What are you—"

"Gusto kong humingi ka pa ng sobra, gusto kong gustohin mo'ko ng sobra sobra"

"Mara hindi kita naiintindihan, what do I need to tell you more?"

Mara closed the gap between them for a moment

The other girl was too stunned to speak

"I don't want you to need anything, I want you to want that"

Mara kisses her again

"To look for that"

And again

"To ache for that"

And almost again, ng pigilan siya ng dalaga

"Mara...this is not you, please, stop.."

"I want to! Gusto kong hindi ka gustohin! But here I am, in front of you.." Mara looked down "begging" her voice breaking "begging for you to accept me for who I am. kahit kailan hindi ako 'yung taong kilala mo, I'm sorry to disappoint, but I was never happy for you....for you and my brother, I was never the Mara you knew, I tried to masked it all up, and maybe you loved it so much that when I try to take this mask off, you'd deny me the right to be who I am, and who I am? I am the girl who fucking loved you since day 1, it was never my brother,  not him!....b-but you, you'd marry him? He confesses for 30 seconds, and you're all his....but I could write a book for you, and pour my heart and soul for you, I'd give you everything....but just because... I'm not a boy..I...I remain invisible...to you"

"Mara..I..stop.. we're not supposed to be ... anything more.. that's just ...not, us. And this is not the Mara I know"

Mara's lips curled into a fake smile "you know what, akala ko the most painful thing is that you could never love me...but I'm wrong, maybe my greatest pain is that you deny me of my feelings, that you never got to know me, and never wanted to know me."

And with that she left the other girl, walking hastily, like a race between her and her tears...one moment, and her alarm shrieked reality, mara woke up after a faint whisper escaped her lips, she jolted upright, gasping for air. She closes her eyes, trying to accept that her bad dream was once a reality....it was a cruel world indeed, nang ang masakit na pangyayaring 'yon is still haunting her with these dreams.

"Shit" she hopes it was just a nightmare, but the pain of it happening in reality lingered that it followed her even in her sleep.

She massages her temple, as if it's all that it hurts

As if she didn't silently whimper at night and cry to sleep

As if that dream didn't break her a thousand times all she could do is stare at the ceiling.