You left too soon,
I wasn't done loving you yet.
~Unknown
_______________
The very day I've been dreading comes too fast, saying goodbye to the man who's made me feel loved feels like death, saying goodbye is what I know is for the best today, Goodbye to our relationship.
my heart knows it is for the best since I'm dying,
The week was everything and more, but it will all crumble to the floor when I end it,
The high of love and laughter will all dissipate and burn in a raging fire I have to create all on my own.
At work today, I experienced the longest yet shortest day, we had a meeting about the project for Enzo Moretti's building which was the only thing that managed to keep me busy enough to forget the hurt.
Aaron and I are now laying on his couch cuddling, I know I have to do it, right now, yet my mouth won't open, I feel as if I've gone mute and my brain is on a roller coaster that I can't even mentally catch up with.
When we kissed I savored that kiss, Every touch, every smile, and every good feeling I savored.
I know that this was the last time we had sex.
The last time we kiss.
Our last happy moment until everything crumbles to ashes.
And I want to break down crying right now at the reminder.
I don't want to hurt him.
I don't want to lie to him.
But I have to.
The longer I stay the worse the pain will be for him I remind myself.
And I hate it with all my heart that I have to hurt him,
I already miss his hugs, his kisses, and smiles and I haven't even left his grasp,
Why does it have to be this way?
Why
Why
Why.
I feel my heart shattering, the reality that everything will change just mentally pains me.
I kept asking for reassurance and felt scared that he would leave me,
Yet I'm doing that to him.
I'm despicable...my heart is a monster along with me,
How dare I start a relationship with a man knowing I'm dying,
How can I be so damn cruel?
I feel like such a fool,
I kissed him.
I made the first move.
And now I'm making the last.
My throat feels like it's closing up on itself,
Wren was right with what she told me, I'm cruel to continue seeing Aaron, all the messages weren't false to what kind of person I have been with my complete selfishness,
I have to end it even though my heart will break, along with his.
_____________
A few hours later we ate dinner and then sit on the couch once more,
I have to do it now
Why is this so damn hard?
My heart aches,
It feels like I'm about to die right now, right here
He kisses me and I feel a tear fall
This is it, The last kiss, The last touch.
I'm so sorry Aaron
Please forgive me and my disgusting heart for what I did and am about to say to you.
I don't let him stop the kiss as I cup his face to deepen it for just one more second.
"Aaron, can we talk?" I ask in a shaky voice when we part
"Yeah what's up," he says examining me with slight confusion
How in the hell do you end something you never want to end,
How do you say we're done to someone you never want to leave,
How?
"I umm" I choke up too scared to talk
I take a deep breath and I feel the tears threatening to fall,
But how dare I cry when this is my own doing,
A million little decisions I made have all led me here.
I could have ended this months ago when we weren't far into it,
But I was a foolish person who wanted one last kiss and touch and never had the heart to end it
"I think we should break up," I say quietly, not wanting those words to come out of my mouth but they do.
I'm not sure if he hears me but the way his face falls tells me everything I need to know.
I hurt him,
I'm so damn sorry Aaron
I hate myself
I'm the worst
My parents would be so disappointed that I did this to a man that loves me and whom I love back.
"I think we should break up," she admits quietly
The most gut-wrenching numbness covers my body as dizziness takes over for a moment.
The heart I thought I had in my chest vanishes leaving me with nothing but an empty feeling that overtakes my body,
I always knew she was too good for me, that she deserved better than me, But hearing her end it hurts my heart in ways I never thought was possible,
It physically hurts,
How does my heart hurt this much?
"Why?" I manage to say calmly even though I feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest and smashed into pieces,
And yet no one hears my heartbreak,
Heartbreak is the quietest type of break,
Yet the most painful is what I realize.
"I just don't think we should be together anymore," she says not making eye contact with me,
Please my sunshine...
Please be lying, don't tell me you don't want me anymore,
"But why?" I ask, and this time I can't hide the hurt in my voice, as I watch her teary-eyed face fill with misery.
Why is she crying?
How can she be crying when she's ending this,
I was such an idiot to open up my heart again and let someone in,
I never should have been so ridiculous, to think that someone would genuinely want to choose me for the rest of their life.
"I just don't want to be together anymore," she says looking at the ground
"So you finally realized you deserve better," I say laughing through my pain
Her eyes close tightly, as she fights more tears,
I was right...
She's realized.
She says nothing.
I was right, I'm not good enough
I nod as I feel my throat tightening
"Aaron I-" she starts talking but stops herself
I nod,
"it's fine I get it, I thought you would realize sooner, that you could find someone better for yourself, but I guess it took longer" I shrug off the pain I feel
I hear ringing in my ears and everything slows around me,
I can't look at her
My sunshine is hurting me,
It's too much sun,
It almost feels as though I'm getting sunburned in her proximity,
It's so blinding, I close my eyes and take a deep breath,
I can't be cruel and beg her to stay,
I always knew she deserved a man better than me,
So I have to let her go,
I have to let her be the sunshine to someone else,
I'll watch her light up the sky from afar,
She won't be mine anymore
But at least she will keep on shining.
"You can leave, I'll have all the things in my apartment that's yours sent to your place," I say clearing my throat, It's so damn difficult to say this but it has to be done,
"Where the hell is this even coming from?" I ask out anger lacing every word
He mouth opens and closes and her brows knit together in thought "I've been thinking about it for a little bit" she whispers
"So you chose to stay in my damn place, sleep in my bed this weekend, and Hang out with me knowing you didn't want this relationship" I spit out, my sadness kicked to the side for a moment as the anger wins,
I want to get on my knees and beg her to stay, Beg her to be mine, Even for just one more day,
But I can't, why would I beg for something she doesn't want?
I know She deserves more
And I guess that's not me
It never will be
It never was.
She nods her head wiping her tears "I'm gonna go, bye Aaron, I'm..." she clears her throat and finally looks at me
And there it is
With just some eye contact...
My heart drops to the floor and shatters,
Into a million pieces all across the floor,
How is it possible that she can't hear my heart breaking?
It feels so painful that it's almost impossible that she won't hear it,
Yet,
It's so quiet in my apartment
All that you can hear are cars driving by from a faraway distance since I'm high up in my building.
"I'm sorry," she says after taking a deep breath
I am too sunshine
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry that I thought I could be good enough for you.
I'm even more sorry for Believing that this was real to you too,
While I was happier than I have ever been...she was thinking of ending it,
How damn foolish could I have been?
"Get the hell out, being with you as more than a professional relationship was the biggest mistake of my life," I declare harshly, turning around and going to my kitchen for a drink,
"I'm done, your presence is suffocating me right now, get out" I yell from the kitchen
It's not the worst thing I've said to someone, far from it, and yet it physically makes my chest ache to say those words to her,
I know it's a lie, I'll never regret the moments I spent with her, but I do regret not realizing sooner that her feelings weren't as deep as mine are,
And that's why I keep saying shit I don't mean, that's why anger courses within my blood, and hurt takes over
"Why did I ever think your stupid smile was worth it? That you'd somehow be genuine behind that sweet act you have going on" I bite out
"Aaron-" she whispers walking closer to me
I shake my head, mad at myself for saying such words to her, and mad at her for giving me hope that I deserved a good thing in my life
"You're...everything Aaron, but I just can't have a relationship right now, and I hope someday you don't hold anger against me when you have a reminder of me" she manages to whisper through her tears
A bitter laugh escapes me "yeah? You think I was ready for what we had, I'll admit it now, I wasn't, I didn't think that I was enough for someone, and you made that bluntly clear when you put on this little manipulative act that you loved me...just to throw it all away"
"I do love you Aaron" she chokes out with a sob, she tries touching me, but I can't breathe
I step away from her, watching her figure slump,
"How could you love someone To just then easily walk away from them? to just move on from them, that's not love, Vanessa...I may not know much about it, but I do know that's not it" I whisper as agony takes over
The realization hits that maybe she truly never loved me...maybe I'm just not lovable,
I can't watch her leave my place, a place that felt like ours...For the last time, so I keep my gaze on the counter,
"Please just leave...just walk out that door before you make me realize something else I don't want to" I mutter
I hear her sad little sigh that makes me badly want to turn around, but if I look at her again I'll want to keep her here forever,
And If I watch her leave through that door, I will chase after her begging to be the man that's good enough for her,
But I can't
After all, we're The sun and moon, opposites.
She shines in the day for everyone to see, for everyone to love.
And I shine in the night, a dimmer light when almost no one notices, and everyone sleeps.
I guess We're just too different.
I will love her forever, And I think that hurts the worst
Knowing I'll never love someone the way I love her
Knowing I will love her for my entire life and not be able to do anything about it.
I grab a cup and pour some whiskey
I hear the door shut.
There she goes,
Taking my heart with her even though it was always hers.
She's gone
And never will be mine again,
That's why she looked as if she was going to cry when I kissed her and told her good morning at work,
That's why she told me to take my time when we had sex today,
She knew it was the last time,
And I want to hate her so bad, yet I can't,
I can't hate her
I love her too much,
I'll have to see her every day at work
Shit.
Work...
She's my damn Assistant,
Unless I transfer her...
I'll have to be tortured by her sunshine self knowing it's not mine anymore,
I'll have to see her over time smiling so big her cheeks hurt, her face flushed because someone kissed her before work...
Her hand having the diamond ring a man placed that wants to spend forever with her,
And over time she might leave for a better job
She will have kids
And be happy
With a man that's good enough for her
A man that's not me.
I cry.
I cry as much if not more since my sister died...
Vanessa said I cried when I was drunk but that didn't count, I shed a tear when I woke up after I found her drunk, but that didn't count either.
I grab my glass of whiskey and go and lock the door
She's gone
Yet she's everywhere
It smells like her in here
There is a blanket on the couch she bought so my couch would have some color to it, then there's a plant on my window sill that she said makes the place look homier,
Yet the real thing making this place home...was her.
There's a hair tie on the countertop
There's a cup in the sink that she used all the time when she came over,
I walk into the bedroom and can't even be in there without being blinded by my tears
Her stupid damn frog
That damn stuffed animal with her beautiful voice in it,
There are pictures of her here
Her scent...
The pillow she would sleep on, Extra shampoo and conditioner in the shower, Her toothbrush,
I fall to the floor clutching the stuffed animal to my chest
I press play
'Miss you my moon' her message follows an Angelic laugh that burns my heart to ashes
"I miss you too" I choke out hating how weak I feel at this moment
"So much" I whisper, crying while my face is hidden in the stuffed animal
The stupid frog with her voice in it...is all I have left.
My Vanessa is gone.
I lost my happiness, once again the joy I had in my body left leaving me feeling worthless,
And as if the sky is on my side it starts getting gloomy as I look out of my window.
I sit on my bed
The bed we slept in just this morning
I can't help but think, if I didn't invite her over last night would she have broken up with me today?
Would we still be laughing together?
Would I still have a least one more day with her?
I drink the whiskey and cry
I cry angry tears, angry that I ever let her in my heart,
And yet I miss her
I miss her even when I want to hate her,
I replay the message too many times just to hear that voice of hers I already yearn to hear,
I shut my eyes tight, my throat feels scratchy.
I try to ignore the voices in my head that tell me to go grab pills and that they will help the pain
That I will be able to see my sister and the hurt I feel will just go away.
"NO" I scream throwing the glass of whiskey at my wall and watching as it shatters all around my room just like the pieces of my heart that I thought she put back together,
That's a selfish thought to have I think to myself
My parents can't lose the last kid they have
I'm such a pathetic man,
I'm never letting anyone else into my heart, throwing the stuffed animal to the side, I grab a spare blanket and pillow in a closet and barely manage to fall asleep in the guest room as anger and heartbreak set deep in my heart,
The hurt Grows as the hours tick by and my heart numbs to the point it feels like it's disappeared and all that's left is the ashes of the heart that once was burning with a love I thought was forever.
I break down in tears in the hallway of Aaron's building, its too much for me to handle,
I saw his eyes, the moment his heart broke and anger took over...I saw it,
And it hurts so damn much, unlike any pain out there,
It feels worse than the day the doctors told me about my heart when I went in for some regular chest pains which I thought were from a period.
But no, this kind of pain can't be explained or justified...I hurt him and it's my own doing and it's the worst feeling.
I drive to my place on autopilot, I can't think straight with my heart hurting.
That night I look at the album he made me and I sob,
I sob so loud that I can't hear the busy New York streets around me,
The sobs rack my body so painfully that I can't even breathe properly, I simply stumble over every breathe and hyperventilate,
I sob so much that I don't even remember when I fell asleep when I manage to get to my place,
I sob so much that I lose a part of myself, I lose a part of the happiness I was able to hold onto since my parents died,
"I'm sorry mom and dad...I tried to be a good person, but hurting Aaron, truly makes me realize that I never had the good heart you claimed I did" I whisper
---notes---
Early chapter upload...yay!!?
Did I cry while writing this...maybe. my poor Vanessa getting manipulated into thinking it's best she breaks up with him *sigh*
And my poor Aaron thinking he's not good enough *double sigh*
Well, that was fun (NOT) ima go immediately write the next chapter,
Ummmm so, I hope you liked this chapter? *cue me hiding behind my pillow and blankets*
I'm not gonna lie though...I feel like it was cheesy and repetitive (especially with the stupid sunshine shit Aaron was talking about...) idk I'm on my period so *cue shrug of indifference*
Vote and comment!
Word count: 3225