Nervous

C H A P T E R F OR T Y F I V E

I never did well with periods.

I’m like an old cat who feels weak and vulnerable so disappears somewhere to wither and die alone.

Except nobody in this fucking house ever leaves me alone and my womb is shredding into tiny pieces and my hormones are making me psycho and I want to scream and cry and eat and cry and die and cry.

“Security system has been updated ma’am.” I buried my head under my duvet trying to shut him out. “Are you okay?”

“Fuck off.” I kicked Brussel out of my bedroom. “I’m dying leave me alone and close the door.” He sighed but left without argument.

I could take a bullet with ease but could I fuck handle my period. God, I was pathetic.

“Ma’am?”

“What?” I groaned.

“I have the paper from the shipment. I need you sign off on it.”

I waved him over to my bed reluctantly and he handed me a pen. I glanced down the sheet, checking all the barcodes and weights were the same. Observing the correct pick ups and drop offs and the men I enlisted for the job. Then I placed my pen to the paper and started to sign.

But the pen didn’t work.

“The pen doesn’t work.” I told Theodore. I scribbled a little, no ink. Suddenly I felt myself clog with negative emotion and I burst into tears.

“Ma’am?” Theodore asked skeptically.

“The pen doesn’t work.” I sniffled, crying like my whole life had fallen apart.

“It’s just a pen ma’am, we can get a new one.”

I grabbed my 99 fusion blu out from under my pillow and pointed it at him.

“NO UTERUS, NO OPINION.” He backed up, holding his hands out in front of him.

“Sorry ma’am, sorry. I’ll leave.” He muttered before running scarce out of my bedroom and closing the door behind him.

Fuck this.

I got up and left my bed, feeling physically weaker and a little lightheaded. I grabbed my car keys and shot my men a glance who were holding a hushed meeting without me.

“What the fuck are you all looking at?” I shouted but didn’t stick around to hear their reply. I slammed the door on a voice and got into my car. I tuned the radio to sad songs and cried my way to Aces house.

I stood out in the cold, his twiggy bushes blowing against the wind. The air spiked my face, turning my cheeks red and my hands numb.

It was miserable outside, I wanted to curl up on his sofa next to the fire and let the Christmas lights soothe me. I wanted to be taken care of like he takes care of Grace. I wanted him to run his fingers over my cramping stomach and somehow magic my pain away.

And I wanted to fucking kill him because this was all his fault.

He didn’t answer the door so I grabbed a hair clip out of my hair and wiggled it in his lock. The warmth of his house hugged me, it smelt so festive in here like baked goods. Gingerbread, cinnamon and almonds. It was the perfect place to wither and die.

I lit the fire and lay down on the sofa, cuddling down beneath a tartan throw. I closed my eyes and held my cramping stomach until I fell asleep.

•••

“Red?” I opened my eyes, blinking in the sight of Aces concerned face in front of the twinkling Christmas tree.

Grace stood beside him, she held her ugly bunny. I shuffled my body upright, regretting my decision to come here.

“You don’t look so good, are you okay?” He kneeled down next to the sofa. “Are you hurt?” He touched my forehead “are you ill?”

“What are you wearing?” Grace asked, eyeing up my outfit of choice. It was sweatpants and a dinner-stained tank top. I came here straight from bed, my hair hadn’t been brushed in two days and I had no makeup on.

“My pyjamas.” I looked at them both, they seemed so confused by me. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here.” I stood up, instantly feeling lightheaded and fell back down on the sofa. I hissed in pain and held my stomach.

“Okay Red, you’re staying here until you feel better. You lay down” he lifted my feet up on the sofa and tucked the blanket in around me. “I’m gonna go make us all some dinner. Gracie, you keep her company.”

“Are you going to die?” Grace asked.

“I think so.” I confirmed.

“She’s not.” Ace shouted back at us before he walked over to the kitchen to cook dinner. Grace tucked her much loved tatty bunny under my arm.

“You can keep him until you feel better. I can’t sleep without him but he always makes me feel better so right now you need him more than me.” She stated with a sweet smile.

She lay down next to me and cuddled into me. My heart skipped a beat and my eyes welled with tears that silently rolled down my cheeks. She used her little warm fingers to brush them away gently. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her forehead. She was so pure, gave her love away easily.

Where along the way do we lose that? Us, adults. What changes to make us so guarded and protected with our feelings?

I glanced over at Ace, he wore a grey Levi hoodie and dark jeans. It was nice, seeing him so casual instead of dressed in his usual suits. He draped a dish towel over his shoulder and concentrated on chopping vegetables. I smiled to myself, he really was the whole package. Great cook, amazing fuck, the best dad, a protector and so fucking mouth-wateringly hot it wasn’t fair.

Yet I was still scared fucking shitless of allowing myself to feel things for him.

“Gabriella, will you come to the Christmas tree farm with us tomorrow?” My eyes snapped down to Grace.

“No probably not kid. I’m swarmed with work, I got men on my ass twenty four seven and this whole thing rests on me. It’s a lot of pressure, ya know?”

“No.” She replied softly. I giggled a little. “There’s real reindeer there and Santa and they do a parade.”

I smiled at her. “You’re so lucky, you know?” She nodded but I don’t think she truly understood. “Tomorrow you say?” She nodded again. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Yesss.” She hissed out in an excitable way.

“I made you soup.” I felt myself blush slightly, I don’t know why. Maybe it was just the care in his eyes or the fact that he was bringing me a tray of something instead of it being the other way around.

“I figured it would be lighter on your stomach, I don’t know if that’s a thing or-”

“Thank you.” He smiled shyly.

“Gracie go sit at the table.” She got up off the sofa and skipped away.

He set a tray of hearty soup down on the coffee table and a bundle of thick bread rolls, then walked away.

It smelt so good and homely, it was the comfort food I needed. My family would’ve never given me this level of care. I shuffled forward in my seat and took a bite, it was nothing short of orgasmic.

“Here, if you want it.” He awkwardly passed me a hot water bottle and then chewed down on his lower lip. “I don’t mean to insult you - I don’t think you’re weak or anything but - you know, it might help.”

“Thanks.” I said softly, dropping it onto my stomach and letting the heat soothe my cramping. I returned back to my soup but he remained hovering over me so I looked up at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry.” He said sheepishly. “I kinda forced this on you.”

“Nobody forces me to do anything I don’t want to do. My gyno put me on birth control because my periods are horrific but once this over I’ll restart my course and everything will be back to normal.” He squirmed awkwardly on his feet. “And now I’m over sharing so I’m gonna shut up and eat.”

“Daddy, can Gabriella come see me in Cinderella?”

“I already did, you were a great dancer and your costume was super cute.” Ace looked at me with a questioning expression.

“You did?” Her little voice asked, full of excitement.

“Of course! I wouldn’t have missed that, you were the star of the show.” She giggled.

“You are so ...” my eyebrows raised as he searched for the right words. “Full of surprises.” He finished uncomfortably.

After dinner Grace had us watch some Tinkerbell movie and I figured she just had a love for fairies.

She cuddled between Ace and me under a blanket and eventually fell asleep but we continued watching the shitty movie even after he carried her to bed because laying in his arms was nice and I don’t think either of us wanted to disturb that.

“How are you feeling?” He asked after the movie.

“Like you could upload a picture of me on ratemyturd.com and I’d score a lot of points.”

He laughed against me and I groaned.

“You want ice cream?”

“Absolutely.”

“You want to watch what happens in vegas?”

I smiled really big.

“I knew you knew what it was from.”

“Shut up.” He laughed.

He refilled my water bottle, got me some ice cream and let me cuddle him while we watched my all time favourite movie.

“Your heart is beating like really fast.”

“Yeah.” He answered with an exhale.

I lifted my head to look at him but he said nothing. “Well?” I encouraged, waiting for an explanation.

“Stop.” He laughed, pushing my head back down on his chest but I lifted it to look at him again.

“Would you leave it?” He tried to push my head back down but I knew about the heart defect and I got scared, what if he was going to have a heart attack? Or needed medication or something?

“Why is your heart beating really fast Ace?”

“It just is.” He answered.

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because, why?”

“Because-I’m-really-fucking-nervous.”