Chapter Thirty

Trigger Warning/Maturity Warning: The next few chapters are going to be pretty heavy at times, but I can't say anything without spoilers- just remember this is a mature book and stop reading if you're ever uncomfortable!

"Louis!" Liam said, holding his arms out wide. "You made it!"

"Oh my God, give me that," Louis said, snatching the beer out of Liam's hand and chugging the rest of it before handing it back. Louis hated beer- it tasted too watery and it made him feel bloated- but the whole party was pulsing with energy from people who had already started drinking a few hours ago and Louis was desperate to catch up.

"You know what you should do," Liam said slurring his words slightly, "You should play beer pong with us- they're setting up in the backyard."

"What a lovely offer, Liam," Louis said. "But I'm afraid I'm since I'm not a seventeen year old frat boy with rich parents and a football scholarship, I'll have to pass." Louis cursed at himself for the way he always dug out the wordy sentences every time he felt sarcastic. Must have been all the English classes. He definitely didn't want to be this coherent by the time the night ended.

"What?" Liam laughed,  grabbing another beer.

"I'm looking for something stronger," Louis simplified, pronouncing each word slowly so it had time to sink through Liam's foggy head.

"Did someone say they needed something stronger?" a familiar voice said, popping up behind Louis' shoulder.

"Holy shit, Michael, you're my guardian angel," Louis said as his friend slipped a flask into his hand.

"Yeah, don't mention it," Michael said, pulling Louis into a quick side hug. "How have you been?" he asked, his voice raising a little as someone cranked the music up another notch. Louis could feel the thrum of the bass shimmer through his bones.

"I've been good, man. You?" Louis asked, taking a swig from the flask. It felt like he were swallowing flames, but somehow it felt comforting. Familiar.

"The usual, the usual..." Michael said, running his hands through his messy hair. "Don't see you around much anymore, eh?"

"I know, I've been busy," Louis said. "Fourth year is a bitch."

"I'll drink to that," Michael replied, taking a swig from the flask before putting it back in Louis' hands. "I did see you at my place once this year though right? You were all over some curly haired kid? That was you, right? Jesus that night was a blur."

"Yeah," Louis smiled. "That was me." He remembered how excited Harry was to go to his first real party, and while Louis spent the whole night trying to steer him away from anything too hardcore and distract him from anything too unsettling, Harry had a great night drinking a few coolers and trying out jello shots, giggling and pink cheeked as they stumbled into a strangers' room to make out.

"You end up taking him home with you?" Michael asked, leaning in a little closer to be heard over the pounding music.

"He's actually my boyfriend," Louis replied, his cheeks reddening as he looked up at his friend, part of him searching for approval.

"Good on you, mate," Michael said, patting Louis' shoulder. "Seems like quite the catch."

"He is," Louis smiled, and started asking how Michael was handling his fourth year courses when he was cut off by a group of guys awkwardly hovering around his friend.

"Sorry, man. Big party and looks like I'm the only dealer tonight. Supply and demand," he shrugged. "Catch up with me later though, alright? Wanna hear about this new boy of yours. And give you some of the goods," he winked miming smoking a joint, "You haven't bought from me since the summer and I don't want to lose one of my best customers. Next one's on the house, okay? I missed you, bro."

Louis laughed a little. "Missed you too, Mikey."

"Find me later!" he called out over his shoulder, before he was swallowed up by a small gathering of party-goers with wrinkled bills in their hands.

Louis felt a little pang as a he watched him go, thinking about all the things he'd given up on when he took Harry into his life. All the hazy summer nights with his old friends laying out in the grass passing around a joint and laughing about one thing or another... all the parties where he felt like his throat was on fire and his heart was beating in time with the music... all the shady clubs and the one night stands and having someone want him...

It had been a while.

Louis hated that his mind kept flickering back to it. He kept telling himself that it was okay to lose parts of yourself as long as those parts were bad parts. He drank less now, had less eating problems, hadn't lit up in months, hadn't woken up in a stranger's house since August, he'd lost touch with all his party-going friends...

But it didn't feel okay.

It didn't feel like Louis was growing up or evolving or turning into a better person or anything... it just felt like he was missing part of himself- and yeah, he might be a better person, but that was because he was only half of one.

And somehow in one night, Louis was determined to make it up, desperate to feel that part of him stutter back to life out of the dust. Over the next few hours he saw the bottom a lot of bottles in quick succession before switching over to shots. More efficient.

Maybe too efficient.

Louis apologized to the group of old friends he was catching up with before he stumbled toward the bathroom. He opened the door and saw a couple in the bathtub doing something that didn't help with his nausea, so he shut the door quickly as he called out apologies. He figured maybe if he just lied down for a little while maybe his stomach would settle, so he pushed open the door to the nearest empty (thank God) bedroom and flopped down onto the unmade bed, not noticing that someone had followed him there.

"Been looking for you all night, babe," Wes said, leaning against the door after he shut it behind him.

Louis' eyes darted open in surprise, before he grumbled something incoherent. He hated when people used pet names on him, especially when they only used them to be condescending.

His only exception was when Harry said them- which wasn't very often- but every time Harry called Louis 'darling' or 'babe' or 'hunny', it made Louis feel younger- in a good way. It felt like running around catching fireflies in just a pair of socks, his mom yelling out to him that he was going to catch a cold and Louis ignoring her, because the fireflies in his mind were just fallen stars, like little shards of space had fluttered into his backyard in incandescent fragments. Maybe being called little names like that made him feel too vulnerable.

At any rate, Wes was coming closer now, leaning against the bed and looking down at Louis with dark eyes.

"Looks like someone's had a bit too much to drink," Wes said, sitting down on the bed next to him.

Louis was much too drunk to argue with that statement, so he just shifted a little bit away from Wes on the bed.

"What's the matter, babe? Usually you're extra touchy when you're drunk." Wes was laughing and Louis wanted to open his mouth and deny it, but he couldn't defend himself against something so true. Drunk Louis was usually passed around at parties like a flask, passed around like a joint... everybody got a turn, and Louis' reputation got another smear against it. Just thinking about it made part of him felt like he was being squeezed, strangled, like it was getting harder and harder to breathe and he wondered if this was what Harry felt like when his vivid green eyes got so swollen up by fear.

"Don't call me that." Louis said. He wasn't looking at Wes when he said it. He didn't even feel like they were in the same room. Part of him wasn't there and Louis felt a small flutter of panic. He didn't feel like himself. Something felt wrong.

"Awwww," Wes laughed, running his hand along Louis' arm. "Some things never change."

"Everything's changed," Louis slurred, turning away from Wes' touch. "Mm not the same anymore, Wes. Please, just... I just want to be alone. I feel like shit okay. Can you just give me some space?"

"Oh, everything's changed, has it?" Wes asked. "Because what I see is you sitting here on a bed, drunk out of your mind, just me and you... like always. Looks the same as pretty much every other party we've been to since first year."

"Yeah but I have a boyfriend," Louis mumbled, reminding Wes.

Reminding himself.

"Yeah, but he's not here, now is he?"