CH 25

Since I couldn’t conjure buns, I honored my promise and brought Run Yu to a breakfast stall.  After changing our appearance and concealing our immortal aura, we finally found a place that looked acceptable.  Just as we sat down, we heard someone cry, “Waiter, I’ll have four buns!” [Tn: Here, waiter is literally “little second.”]

“Coming right up!” The waiter swung his dish towel over his shoulder and scurried over with a steamer basket.

Following this example, I was about to cry for the waiter.  But he had already gone, so I instead slammed my palm on the table and called, “Little Third, give me a menu!” [Tn: Little Third is slang for someone’s mistress.]

Immediately, the whole place fell into silence.  The women seated at the table next to us shot me venomous glares.  Somewhere, I heard someone snicker– pu chi.

I turned to Run Yu and whispered, “Could it be that I cut in front of those women?”

Run Yu sipped his tea and replied, “Little Third is an insult to humans.”

As we were speaking, the old man behind the register walked over to us and complained, “Sir, seated at the table over there are the mistresses of several of the rich and wealthy in town.  If you need something, just let us know–no need to make everyone uncomfortable, I beg you.”

These mortals are so strange.  You can call someone Little Second but not Little Third?

I was too lazy to argue though and began flipping through the menu.  The first dish that caught my eye was jian bing guo zi.  [Tn: It’s a Beijing-style crepe, but guo zi literally means fruit.]  Seeing guo zi, I shook my head and chanted, “So cruel, much too cruel!”

Run Yu laughed and explained, “This guo zi refers not to fruit but a crepe.  No need to feel bad.”

Even so, I couldn’t bear to order this.  Instead, I asked for soup buns (I was familiar with the concept of buns), a few other dishes, and two bowls of soy milk.

Soon, the waiter brought over the steamer basket, and, after blowing some of the steam off the buns, I took a large bite.  Unexpectedly–for these were not the buns to which I was accustomed–a stream of soup squirted unerringly onto Run Yu’s robe.

Someone in the room again snickered – pu chi.

I quickly used my sleeve to wipe Run Yu’s robe, but he waved his hand and said, “It’s no problem.”  With a slight toss of his sleeve, his whole robe sparkled as if brand new.

Run Yu sure was a magnanimous god.  Not only did he not get mad at me, he even poured some vinegar onto my plate for the buns.  With his help, I successfully finished my breakfast.

After breakfast, Run Yu took me around town for a stroll.  When the hour turned late he escorted me back to our mansion and then left for the Empress’s banquet.  It was a peaceful day.

My only complaint–how could Run Yu leave me in this little house by myself?

I pinched the barrier he set for me and thought about all the magic Phoenix taught me.  Of course, with my skill level, there wasn’t much hope that I could break Run Yu’s barrier.  Nonetheless, I chanted a few spells–the gold breaking spell, the wood breaking spell, fire, earth, etc.  None of them work.  The last one I tried was the water spell.  Just when it appeared that all hope was lost, I saw a flash of light, and the barrier dissipated into bubbles and steam.

Not bad!  The six hundred years made a difference after all.  I stepped out the door, adjusted my robes, and made to depart for the Heavens.  Just when I summoned a cloud, I recalled that there was no one who could guide me to the banquet.  I decided to summon also an earth spirit to guide me.

Scarcely had I finished chanting my spell than a body fell from the skies, almost hitting me.

“How odd.  Do earth spirits no longer come from the earth?” I asked as I adjusted my sleeve and studied the puddle of water at my feet.

Pu chi! What a familiar laugh.

I looked up and saw that the one I summoned was no other than the man who had laughed with the pu chi sound at the breakfast stall this morning.  I gave him a bow and said, “Mr. Pu Chi, I hadn’t any idea that you were an earth spirit.  Nice to meet you!”

Mr. Pu Chi laughed accordingly and said, “Mr. Pu Chi, what a great name.  I like it! But, I’m not an earth spirit.  Rather, I’m a water demon.  To what do I owe this pleasure, O’ ‘Waiter’ God.”

Waiter God . . . In any case, I know I summoned an earth spirit.  What brought along this water demon?  Could it be that my aura attracts demons? The hour was getting late though, so I’d better just use what I could get.

“I summoned you, Mr. Pu Chi, because I need directions to the Heavens.”

Pu Chi replied slowly, “Waiter, could it be that you want to go to the Empress’s birthday banquet.”

“Indeed.”

“And would you like to take the south gate or the north gate?”

I had no idea but south sounded better, and I replied so.

“When would you like to arrive?”

“Naturally, as soon as possible.”

“And do you intend to fly there or swim there?”

“Fly.”  I’m not a fish . . .

After the string of questions, Mr. Pu Chi gave a contemplative hum and lamented, “Although I know the way to the Heavens, I was in the middle of bathing when you summoned me.  I’d better finish my bath first.”

I blanched and was about to stomp him to death when he continued, “But, considering that fate brought us together, I shall bear the discomfort and instead guide you first.”

So saying, he stepped onto a clump of fog and leisurely began his flight.  I ground my teeth in frustration, but summoned another cloud as calm as I could and followed him. Soon, we arrived at the south gate.

Outside the gates, the guards topped us and asked whether we had invites.

I hesitated, “No . . . but I am good friends with the Moon God.  Won’t you let us through?”

“Apologies, but no,” replied the stubborn guard. “Today is not any old day.  Today’s the Empress’s banquet–without an invite, we can’t let you in.”

Mr. Pu Chi reached for my hair and lightly plucked something out.  “Waiter God, you’re so amusing. Why reason with the guard when you possess such a treasure?”

“My mistake!  Please accept my apologies!” the guard cried, kneeling to the ground before Phoenix’s feather.