Chapter Twenty-One

I can't look at Garth without feeing everything wash over me. He's just standing there, staring at me, and every time I catch him, it just feels like I'm sinking, further and further. There's part of me that wonders what he expects; I have an image to keep up, an image of someone who has all the pieces. As much as I would love to be his friend around everyone else, I just can't. Words would fly, and we would both be caught in the crosshairs.

'Garth Vega is a sinkhole.'

'Garth Vega is just sheer poison'

'Garth Vega is nothing but a fa-'

There was a difference between defending Garth in public, and actually associating myself with him. Besides, I had all the people I needed in the world right here.

My eyes fleeted away from Garth, back to Sabrina who was talking in that incredibly peppy, roll-on sentence way that had made her cute too me all those months ago. It was a wonder how she never passed out through oxygen depletion.

"So," she says, looking me over with those almond eyes and that infectious grin that I knew all too well. "I know you're still trying to deal with stuff, but Cheryl Jupp is throwing a party this Friday, and I was thinking..." She trailed off, but not before stepping in closer. The way she looked at me made me feel alive, like maybe there was hope for me after all.

I wanted so badly to make this work out. Sabrina had been one of many girlfriends over the years, but she was the closest to truly understanding my inner workings. She knew how my heart beat. She knew how I thought. Every movement she made around me seemed so carefully calculated, as if she were playing a game of chess. I'd have been a fool to not want to make this work.

Without thinking about it, I leaned forward, brushing her dark hair behind her ear before pecking her lips gently. Electricity coursed through me for a single moment, rejuvenating every cell in my body.

"Anywhere you are, that's where I'll be," I said.

She smiled her warm soft smile. I could tell she was thinking the same thing that everyone else had been asking this entire day.

'Where has this Xavier been all this time.'

I tried not to let that thought eat away at me. Inside I was still the same, but now putting on a mask felt more manageable. I had someone I could be sad around, which meant I could be everything else around everyone else.

The sounds of faux gagging filled the air. Tony, being his usually pleasant self-seemed determined to ruin a perfectly good moment. Had I enough energy, patience, and actual fucks to give, I might have reached across the table and beat the shit out of him then and there. These moments were crucial though. I had to prove that I was fine, not only to my girlfriend, not just to my asshat friends, but to everyone. Caleb and Gabe laughed at either side of him, sounding like vultures, swooping on what was warm.

"Ignore them," Sabrina had said, outstretching her hand to bring my head back round to meet her eyes. "They're just jealous." She leaned in and then planted a PG kiss on my lips.

It wasn't often that Sabrina Valdez flaunted herself, but right now I could forgive her for that. Her little smirk made my own heart rip at the seams ever so slightly. I'd longed to see this side of her for so long, and now here she was displaying it so openly. Maybe I just hadn't noticed it that much before.

Either way, I convinced myself that I was in love with it, just like how I was in love with all the other things about her.

When I pulled back, I found my eyes drifting back towards Garth. His hair was so shaggy, so unrefined, and it barely looked like it fit the person I'd spent the last few days talking too. Unlike before, his back was turned to me, and a shirt which seemed three sizes to big seemed to just drape over him like a blanket. I wished he would just turn around so I could see him, so I could know for myself if he was okay.

But I knew he wouldn't. There had been nothing there when I'd looked at him earlier. It was like I could see his own world closing off to all the different possibilities of what could be. He was shutting down without giving away the signs.

A hand waves over my face, bringing me back into focus. I have to blink a few times and turn my head just to register that Sabrina is still there. Unlike most high school girls who might have been offended at me zoning out in their presence, Sabrina took it in stride like this was no big deal. And to be fair, it wasn't that big of a deal. I was just checking in on a friend, albeit a friend she was not all too familiar with.

The friends that she knew were my own version of the three stooges. Not that she was the biggest fan of either of them either.

"Earth to Xavier," she finally replied in a chipper tone. Her eyes wandered the room, trying to track where exactly I'd been but coming up short. "Are you alright?" I hated how she sounded so genuinely worried, as if there were something to not be alright about. The way she looked at me in that moment made me want to just curl up in bed and do nothing for days on end.

"I'm fine," I replied almost instantly.

Caleb coughed loudly, but even through that I could hear his claim. 'Bullshit.' I wanted to twist round and wring his scrawny neck, but decided against this, instead putting on my best mask. It was one rarely worn, mostly because usually I was not above letting people know that I was not alright.

But if I continued to be like that, then I would become everything Garth was. As much as I respected him, I could never bring myself to become so distrustful.

"Where were you?" she asked in her most polite, non-judgmental tone.

'Not here.' This is what I want to tell her.

She doesn't know about anything right now. She does not know about the fight I got into. She doesn't know about the park. She doesn't know about the 'Think Tank.' She has no idea about the game of twenty questions me and Garth are passing round each other. She doesn't know about moonlit conversations on the hood of my car. She doesn't know about the kiss. She doesn't know who Garth is as far as I'm aware. To be completely honest, I'm not sure what she does know about me at this point.

Instead what I end up telling her is more of a fabrication of the truth than a flat out lie. "Just thinking about some stuff," I replied in short. "You know, the usual."

When she beams at me once more, I can tell that these words have won her over. She leans in one last time, as Tony makes sounds of disgust behind my back. Mentally, I am flipping him off and not giving one single fuck about it.

My eyes scatter themselves to where Garth had been, only to find that he has disappeared. And I sort of get this; Garth's greatest trick is how to make a perfect exit.

~~~~~~~~~~

My drives home are usually solitary ventures. My youngest sister gets picked up by my dad after work. Sabrina lives so close to the school that she prefers to walk. My 'friends' have constantly asked for rides, but the problem with that is twofold; they all live in the opposite direction, and I hate every one of their asses.

Were they to treat me like some schmuck then maybe I would think about it. But no, from day one, my closest friends have done nothing but to treat me like a human garbage disposal.

There was that year in there where I had some actual friends. They were the popular kids, the high school jocks, the 'it' crowd. As fun as it was to hang out with them, there was no substance to the conversation. It felt like we were more acquaintances than anything else. If they didn't talk about themselves, then they talked about their opinions, or the opinions of people they held dear. At the end of the day though, I'd take all of those fake-friends over the ones that I had now.

My drive usually took me all over town. Being in this car just made everything feel more relaxed, like I could just forget the world. When it was just me and my brain behind the wheel, everything fell apart. The focus on moving forward moved everything else into the back of my head.

I didn't need to think about Mom, or Garth, or Dad, or anyone else for that matter.

All I did need to think about was where to go next. Which was the reason why I usually never had a destination in mind. It just meant I could put more focus on the road, and spend more time away from anything that I could view as a responsibility.

As my car rounded the next corner on my tour of our small town, I seen a figure down the road. It was almost hard not to notice him. Bag slumped over his back and that same loose shirt fitting over him. There was no mistaking Garth Vega. Even an almost perfect stranger could point him out in a crowd if they wanted too.

Honking the horn a few times, I slowed the car up next to him. For a second, I thought he was going to turn, but he kept moving forward.

There was a moment where I thought that maybe he hadn't heard me, but it was more than that. His eyes were fixed forward, but occasionally glanced elsewhere, as if to try and get away from me. Even when I had brought the car into view, he kept up with his momentum, as if his very life depended on this one action. I honked once more for measure, this time pressing my palm into the wheel for a good few seconds, just so I could tell if he was ignoring me.

For the record, he totally was.

"Garth," I hollered out of the open window. "Need a ride?"

I knew his response would have been not to respond. There was a slight halt in his step, before he continued once more, a fire lit in his eyes.

"Okay dude, I'll bite," I replied, a more jokey tone to my voice. "What's up with you? Wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something."

He muttered something under his breath, but I could barely hear him above the engine of the car. Right now, the wheels were turning slowly, keeping up with Garth's less than leisurely walk. If he wanted to play this game, then I could follow him all the way home.

And you know, that's exactly what happened. Despite my pleas for him to at least talk to me, he seemed quite firm in his decision to shut me out. He didn't need to talk to me if he didn't want to talk to me, that was just fine. But sooner or later he would have to give up whatever this lone-wolf thing was. He put on this image that he was the only one allowed to feel things so deeply, and maybe that's where he had gotten his reputation.

All the things you hear about Garth Vega are true. But I want to add one more to the list.

'Garth Vega does not know how to trust the people around him.'