I woke up on the morning of October 17 officially twenty-one years old.
I say "officially" because it doesn't count when the clock strikes midnight yet you're sound asleep. It always made more sense to me that you had to wait until morning to actually be your new age. Maybe it was because of Christmas, and no kid gives a damn about three am on December 25th. Everyone knows Christmas morning is when all the magic happens.
I'm going on a tangent here, because I dislike my birthday and I'd rather think about literally anything else other than the day that marks my birth.
That heavy, icky feeling of dread filled my belly a few weeks before my birthday, which was odd, because I usually waited until the night before to get that feeling. But this was a big birthday, and it certainly lived up to my lack of expectations.
Twenty-one held a lot of significance for me. It wasn't because it's the legal drinking age. In Canada, it's nineteen. It's also irrelevant to me because I don't drink. Alcohol, that is. I'm addicted to Diet Coke. And it wasn't because it's the legal age to vote. That's eighteen.
The reason why I consider twenty-one to be such a big deal is because it reminds me of my failures. Okay, maybe "failures" is a little too extreme. "Shortcomings" is probably more accurate. The reality is, I thought I'd have more than I do when I reached this age. And I'm not talking about material possessions. I'm thinking more along the lines of experiences. I still can't drive. (The roads are probably safer because of this. I'm horrendous behind the wheel.) I still live with my parents. (Because it's convenient for me to, but also because I'm afraid to go out on my own.) I've still never had a boyfriend. (As Taylor Swift says, there's a lot of lame guys out there.) And I still don't have a large group of friends. (But I do have Angela, and she has enough personality to count as five people.)
Thinking all these things makes me like myself a little less. Is that crazy? Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for my life, I really am. And I'd say that 99.99% of the time I'm not that bothered by these facts. It just so happens that the 0.01% takes place on my birthday.
I call it the Birthday Blues, because it happens every year without fail.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that I think I've cried on every birthday for the last few years. On a day that's supposed to be all about celebrating yourself, my low self-esteem and numerous insecurities rear their ugly head. The day feels pointless and sad. I haven't had a party since I turned sixteen. My mom took three girls who were my friends at the time, including Angela, to a nail salon. After that year, I didn't bother doing anything, not even with my extended family. Inviting people over for me seems like such a waste of their time and I hate the attention, anyways. Aunts, uncles, a few cousins, and my one living grandparent tend to call me or text me, which I appreciate, but I try not to dwell on the fact that only one non-family-member wishes me a happy birthday.
The good thing is that my parents and brother's family know how I feel about my birthday, so they try to make it as low key yet special as they can. My mom makes lasagna, my nephews write me homemade cards, and my brother and his wife always get me something that I mentioned that I wanted in passing. And the fact that they're so nice to me makes me even more emotional.
It's an ugly cycle.
But I'm determined not to cry tonight, the official last of my birthday celebrations. Whenever it's one of our birthdays, Angela and I go see a movie. We don't buy each other gifts because it just makes more sense for us to save our money. Case in point: no matter which day our actual birthday falls on, we wait until the following Tuesday to go to the theatres, because tickets are half price on Tuesdays. The one perk for the birthday girl is that she gets to pick the flick, which is no small deal considering our very different tastes.
"I swear, this better be good," Angela says.
We take a step forward in the ticket line as space opens in front of us.
"Does it even matter?" I smile.
I've chosen some indie romance movie that stars Jamie Dornan. Based on the trailer, it looks like it's about love, sex, and relationships, and perhaps some sort of love triangle. I couldn't really tell, because the two leading males looked so similar, they could've been the same person. Luckily for me, they were both hot.
"If you only like movies with hot guys in them, I don't get why you complain so much about the Marvel movies so much. Chris Evans is gorgeous!"
"Uh, yeah, I know. As much as I complain, I still come see them with you, don't I?"
Angela opened her mouth to respond but her words were drowned out by the low timber of a man's voice.
"Who's gorgeous?"
What the hell?
I turned my head to the direction the voice was coming from and had to do a double take. On the other side of the stanchion was Lawson. And beside Lawson was Taylor.
"Hey, Lawson," Ang said.
The blush that started in her cheeks ran up to her hairline. She was probably still feeling the butterflies from her date. Apparently, it was a hell of a time.
"Funny seeing you girls here," Lawson said. "Let me guess, you want to take advantage of the deal."
"Of course, we're on a student salary," I joked.
Said salary is all zeroes.
Lawson rolled his eyes and made a face that said, Don't I know it. "We were just about to get in line when Taylor recognized Camille."
Heat flared in my stomach at the mention of my name so close to Taylor's.
He remembered me this time, I see.
"Yeah?" I said to Taylor.
"Camille. Nice to see you again." He smiled.
Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.
"Again?" Angela asked.
And... she said it.
"Yeah, I'll tell you later," I mumbled. I turned to the guys. "We'll let you guys get in line then, before it gets too long."
"Actually," Ang countered, drawing the word out and throwing me a sly look. "Why don't you cut in line here and watch the show with us? Camille picked the show, so if it sucks, we can just blame her. Perks of being the birthday girl."
Oh god, Ang, please stop talking. I don't mind that she mentioned my lame taste in movies, but saying it was my birthday was bound to make things awkward.
Exhibit A:
"It's your birthday?" Taylor asked.
Exhibit B:
"Happy birthday!" Lawson congratulated at the same time.
"No! I mean, it was, last weekend."
"Well, still, happy birthday," Taylor said.
"Thanks."
The way I said the word had to be in the least grateful tone in the entire world. Birthday Blues, remember?
I faced the front of the line, putting all my mental strength into making it move faster. Behind me, I heard Angela and Lawson discuss the movie plans. He and Taylor must have come under the stanchion to join the line. Lawson agreed to watch the show with us, explaining that they didn't have a particular show in mind when they came to the theatre.
Goody.
Just as I was thinking that holy crap, Taylor Hudson must be standing somewhere next to me, warm breath hit my ear and I almost collapsed from the shock.
"Let me buy your ticket," Taylor whispered.
I opened my mouth to object but he kept on going. How rude.
"Come on, it's your birthday."
"I'm good, seriously. But thanks for offering."
At that point, a teller called me and I dashed to her station. I was afraid Taylor would come and insist he buy my ticket but thankfully he didn't. I knew that it was a nice gesture but feeling like I owed someone made me uncomfortable.
With all our tickets purchased, we walked into the lobby and approached the concession stands.
"Every time I come to the theatre, I have to get popcorn. Anyone want?" Lawson asked.
I smiled. My brother, Thomas, was the same way.
Angela wanted an Iced Tea but Taylor and I didn't want anything.
Speak of the devil and myself.
"Can I at least buy you a soda?"
Oh, right. He's from the States.
I smirked. "Your American is showing. We call it pop on this side of the border. But no thanks."
I could've killed for a Diet Coke but it sometimes bloated my stomach and I wasn't in the mood to risk it. Taylor's presence already made me somewhat uncomfortable.
"If you insist," he said.
While we waited for Lawson and Angela to get their snacks, I just read the menus awkwardly. Anxiety was bubbling in my chest. Taylor was checking his phone and didn't try to initiate conversation. I hope I hadn't offended him. The Storm had played the night before; I know, because I watched the game with my dad. Taylor wasn't in the lineup, which meant he was still with the AHL team. Their schedule was less demanding than the NHL's, so I wasn't surprised to see him out on a Tuesday night. Maybe he was checking in with some team business.
As soon as I saw Lawson and Angela with their full hands, I suggested we go grab our seats. My mouth dropped in surprise when we walked into a nearly full theatre. Way to go, Jamie Dornan. Yeah, it was one of the theatre's smallest screens, but still. I hadn't expected this turn out.
"I think we're going to have to split up," Angela said.
Before I could give input on the situation, her and Lawson already began to walk away from Taylor and myself.
Traitor. She was lucky I loved her.
"I think there are some seats up there," Taylor said.
My eyes followed where his finger was pointing. They were on the left aisle, close to the top.
"Good with me," I said.
"After you," Taylor said.
What a gentleman. Insisting the lady walk in front so that he could look at her butt.
By the time we got to our seats, the show was scheduled to start in five minutes. From my years of attending this theatre I could tell that the pre-show playing on the screen was winding down.
"I'm going to use the washroom," I told Taylor as I placed my jacket and purse on the vacant seat. I noticed that there was an empty one on the other side of Taylor's seat.
I didn't wait for his acknowledgment as I bounded down the stairs and out into the lobby. It wasn't a lie. I always had to pee before the movie started. I had some phobia of having to go during the show. Despite knowing that it was a stupid thing to do, I inspected my appearance in the washroom mirror. I always thought that the lighting here was flattering. I smoothed my hair down after I washed my hands and checked to see that my eyeliner and mascara hadn't smudged.
Camille, why do you care?
When I walked out of the ladies' room, I ran into a kind, familiar face.
"Hey, Franklin!" I exclaimed.
I had met him during a seminar the previous year. There was something about him that endeared me to him and I was sad to see that he stopped attending class during the middle of the semester. I reached out to him via email to check on him, because I'm a sensitive person.
"Camille, hey!"
"What show are you here to see?" I asked.
I hadn't taken him for a Jamie Dornan fan, so I was surprised when he mentioned the show we were here to see.
He wasn't with anyone, which didn't really say much, because neither was I. Still, there was certainly no harm in asking.
"Would you like to sit with me? I'm just here with a friend."
I was. Angela is my friend. I was sitting with Taylor, but he wasn't my friend. Just someone I watched a hockey game with, during what was possibly the weirdest night of my life.
It was also a blast, but no one needs to know that.
"Yeah, sure, thanks! I'm just going to get a drink. Want something?"
I didn't have the heart to say no like I did to Taylor, so I did end up having a Diet Coke that night.
Relief filled my chest when I saw that the two seats next to Taylor were still empty. My stomach would have dropped to the floor if there wasn't a seat for Franklin. I seriously would have just found another seat for myself.
"Just follow me," I told Franklin.
Taylor was on his phone when we got to the seats, but he looked up right away.
"Taylor, this is my friend, Franklin. Franklin, this is Taylor."
"Nice to meet you, Franklin. Come have a seat right here," Taylor smiled at him.
The happy expression on Franklin's face melted my insides. Perhaps Taylor wasn't so bad, not that I thought he was...
The theatre went dark as the movie began.
"So, how come you're not thirsty when I ask?" Taylor whispered in my ear.
I ignored his comment. "You're pretty popular tonight. Always on your phone."
"Please, I'm playing solitaire."
That made me laugh. Out loud. Literally. The lady in front of me turned and gave me a dirty look.
"Gee, control yourself," Taylor murmured.
I could practically hear the smile in his voice.
Even my best efforts to get into the show weren't good enough. It was hard, considering Taylor kept whispering comments about the show in my ear.
He's an idiot.
Why do they look the same?
What's her deal?
At first, I didn't respond. I was focusing on stopping the involuntary shiver that came from Taylor whispering so close. But then I couldn't help myself.
Don't be so hard on him. He's heartbroken.
I have no idea why. But his hair is slightly darker.
She has two equally hot guys to choose from, that's her deal.
I'm not sure if anyone heard us, but if they did, they didn't give us hell. It wasn't the intricate-type of movie that required Jedi-level concentration.
I hated to admit it, but having Taylor beside me made the movie.
When the final credits rolled, no one in the theatre clapped.
"That was riveting," Taylor said as the bodies around us began to get up and leave the theatre.
"What can I say, I only pick winners."
Our banter was clearly distracting. Because when I brought my drink up to my lips to take a sip, Taylor decided to stretch his arms. And knock right into my drink.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I shrieked.
It was filled with ice and freezing and all over my chest.
"Are you okay, Camille?" Franklin asked.
"Yeah, I'm good," I breathed out.
Taylor cursed and apologized and just stared at the mess with wide eyes.
"I'm fine. Don't worry."
Because I'd rather not have people look at me in a wet t-shirtâTaylor includedâI put on my coat and zipped it up. Quickly.
"Ready to go?" I asked Taylor and Franklin.
They were both still looking at me with concern. Unnecessary. It was only Coke, not poison. Okay, I guess you can kind of consider those to be the same thing.
Angela and Lawson had turned out to be sitting on the opposite side of the theatre so we didn't meet up until the five of us were out in the lobby.
"God, Camille, that sucked," Angela laughed.
"Thank you."
"It wasn't that bad," Lawson said. "I thought it was hilarious."
"Pretty sure it was supposed to be dramatic, though," I laughed. "Oh, by the way, do you guys know Franklin?"
Lawson studied his face. "Yeah, I do! We've had a few classes together. It's good to see you again."
With the two of them talking, Angela gave me a look. I closed the distance between us so that I was closer to her.
"What's up?" I asked, my voice low.
"I think Lawson and I are going to grab something to eat together. You okay to take the bus home alone?" she asked.
Good to know I wasn't invited.
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Yeah, you'll be fine, because I'll be driving you home," Taylor said, evidently close enough to Angela and I to hear our hushed conversation.
Again, he didn't give me a chance to say anything. He really had to stop doing that.
"Franklin, you need a ride?" he offered.
Franklin's eyes lit up. "That'd be great actually, thanks!"
Fine. Taylor won that round. I didn't bother objecting, because being in Taylor's car with Franklin there seemed less incriminating than being there with just Taylor.
"Okay," I gave in. "That sounds good, thanks."