Once more, we walked into the office, as if everything was absolutely normal. We didn't talk at all after last night, almost as if the evening ceased to exist.
"Mrs. Vasilievna!" Amy called to me as soon as I was near her.
"You look absolutely love today! That blue is a wonderful color on you."
I was wearing a simple white dress, with black lace in the middle and a blue flower and ribbon tied in the middle of the lace.
"Thank you, Amy."
"Also, Mrs. Vasilievna, there's another bouquet in your office. We already took care of the one you received, but there's a new one, and we were not able to find out who it was from."
"Thank you, Amy." I mumbled with a frown and hurried into my office.
I opened the door, and indeed, there was a glass bowl that had beautiful pale purple roses and all types of greens and other various flowers.
There was also a note that I hesitantly picked up and opened.
Maria,
Hope these flowers match the beautiful purple dress you wore.
I shuddered. This was either some creepy stalker or someone was just trying to have some fun.
I thought about it for a little.
It could also be, theoretically speaking, Alexander. He knew what color my dress was, and he did seem to be acting slightly different and strange the past weeks...
With a much easier feeling, I sat down at my desk and began to work.
~ ~ ~
I laughed to myself. I never thought about this, why did this thought pop into my mind all of a sudden?
Wow... it had gotten dark outside.
I turned back to think about this crazy thought... I hadn't watched a movie in years! In fact, I didn't even own any social media accounts to see what was going on in the world.
I stood up and walked to the windows and looked down at the glimmering lights of the street lights, and the array of colors from the shops, and traffic lights, and cars... this window was like my huge screen. The only true access I had to the world was by looking out the window.
I wanted to see a movie. Because isn't that what normal people do? They go out, or they sit at home and watch movies and binge on TV shows... or however that saying goes. And they are allowed to have lazy days and even weeks. They can stalk their friends on Instagram and FaceBook, or post just random pictures with captions that don't even correlate at all...
I sighed.
'Stop it, Maria. Stop those thoughts immediately!'
I quietly exited the office and went out to the lobby and sat in one of those comfortable chairs we had. I was all alone in the quiet, dimmed lobby, and that allowed me to converse with my thoughts.
'You knew exactly what you were getting into before you were even engaged to Alexander! He is a good husband, and he takes care of you and provides for you far better than any other man could ever do. This is all wort- and he is all worth everything you are giving up.'
'Still, does it have to be this intense? I mean, he could ease up a little bit...'
'Silence yourself, Maria! Think like this again and you'll find yourself divorced, and poor, and ruined for the rest of your life!'
'But there's always a way- Stop it! Stop it stop it stop that negativity! Just stop.'
I looked out at the street before me. I just needed to cross this lobby, and open those large glass doors, and I would step out into the sidewalks of the busy city, all by myself, just like how it was a little over a year ago.
Just for a moment... and I would be in the outside world.
My eyes looked longingly at the doors as if I was a puppy at a shelter, sitting in a tight cage, begging to be let out into freedom, or like a dove in a birdcage, desperately singing to set my wings free...
'Okay, we're doing this.'
"Maria. I was looking for you."
I whirled around, my skin flaring up, caught, almost red-handed.
"Uh, um yes, uh Alexander? Anything you needed?"
He looked up from his phone, with a slight frown. "Are you alright, Maria?"
I laughed. "Yes! I am... very alright!"
"Perhaps it is time for us to leave, " he suggested, but of course, his suggestions and questions and statements were all really just commands and orders.
He proceeded to go, but I stopped him. "Oh, um I have not- I don't have all of my belongings with me. They are still at the office. "
Alexander scrutinized my face astoundingly carefully and slowly. "Maria," he calmly stated, taking a slow step towards me, "you seem rather... rather flushed."
"Oh! No," I laughed, even placing a hand on my heart to emphasize the entertainment and lightheartedness of the situation, "not at all. Just a little tired, is the word. I will go get my personal belongings?"
I began to turn around but Alexander took my arm. "No, Maria, let's have someone else run and grab your personal belongings. Take a seat."
I sat on the couches, careful to keep my posture ballerina-perfect, and my hands were crossed firmly on my lap. I already embarrassed myself in front of my husband, I couldn't allow myself to make any more inconvenience on my behalf.
Shortly, we were already in the car, and on our way to the house.
I wanted so badly to speak up and spark a conversation, but I couldn't muster up the courage to part my lips.
It was so dreadfully silent and I wanted and hoped so badly that he would say something, anything. About his work, or about the weather, or about anything, really. Just something.
'Maria, it's time to think realistically.'
Yes, his long, seducing glances, and his kisses, the flowers he sent, and the dancing at the ball... of course it doesn't change anything. Of course, and I was an idiot to think that it would.
I glanced at him, his beautifully sculpted face; each bone and muscle placed perfectly. His eyelashes were the perfect length, his eyes were a deep, captivating brown, like the depth of a forest. He was muscular and had astounding posture and the most pristine manners. He was a man that any girl would dream of calling her own.
But that little feeling, that little flame that tenderly warmed my heart and spread its warmth through my veins was gone. I wanted so bad to feel it again, but I looked at him and nothing appeared.
Oh don't get me wrong, he was handsome but I just didn't know enough to have that fire going. His attractiveness and strong, manly personality had been enough to just start the fire, but there was no source to keep it going.
I leaned against the seat and closed my eyes. Instead of that warmth, I used to feel was just a little dark hole, filled with nothing. And it spread into the rest of my body, but it didn't warm me, it fatigued me, it saddened, and upset me.
'You see, Maria. This is why we don't think negative thoughts. You see?'