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// trigger warning //
sensitive topics mentioned in this chapter. reader discretion is advised.
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Iris
With my eyes closed, I reach out to the side of the bed where Noah slept only to meet the other side of the duvet. I open an eye, finding the obvious indent of him that indicates he was beside me.
Still drowsy, I sit up and look around.
Noah's room here is nothing like the room back home. The keyword being nothing. His room is like a white canvas with just random things laying around. But still, I have to admire how clean it is actuallyâMom would be so proud if I kept my room this clean.
"Noah?" I call out, rubbing my eyes. "Are you in the bathroom?"
When I hear no answer, I get out of the bed and check for myself. He isn't in there, given that the door is obviously unlocked. I take my cardigan and wrap myself with it as I make my way through the house.
It is very cold at night, here.
Unlike the Radcliffes' place back home, this place is comparatively smaller but definitely not too small. All I am grateful for is that I will probably not get lost in here.
When I am near the kitchen, I see Asim coming out with a big packet of chips. He looks at me and shrieks, making some chips fall on the floor. I laugh, lightly, at his delayed response as I walk towards him.
"Miss Iris, you scared me," Asim says and looks down at the fallen chips, before looking at me.
"What are you doing?" I ask him, looking at him and then the bowl of chips.
"At night, I quite enjoy watching American showsâI don't understand why I like them but I do." He explains.
"Oh."
He takes notice of my outfit. "Why are you out so late at night, Miss? Is it late-night cravings? Master Noah told me how much you love vanilla. So, I've kept a tub in the freezer. If you wantâ"
I smile. "Thank youâthat, that is sweet. But that's not why I am out." Tightening the cardigan around me, I ask him, "Um, have you seen Noah? He wasn't beside me."
Asim looks confused but then, he slowly nods. "He's probably in the forest."
I blink. "I am sorry, did you just say forest?"
"Yeah, behind the house, there's a trail." Then, he smiles. "You've got a lot to learn, honey."
"Is that a reference fromâ?"
"Yes, I have an addiction to American showsâdon't sue me!" He exclaims, walking awayâgoing to a TV room, probably.
I let out a laugh, a bit surprised by his outburst, as I go towards the forest.
I have stayed here for some hours and, damn, Asim has won me over his cooking skills and gardening skills. He is not exactly formal and is very loyal to Noah's grandmother. When we came down for dinner and Noah found out his grandmother wasn't home, still, he tried asking so many questions but Asim smooth-sailed all his not-answer answers. It is a very effective skill I want to learn from him.
But not now, when Noah has vanished. I know it was his idea to come back to his homeplace but I cannot help feeling like he is being forced to talk about his past. I don't like it, even though Noah says he wants to.
Nevertheless, there is a good thing about it. All through the day, Noah was smiling and at peaceâsomething I've seen very rarely back home. The place is his safe place, for sure.
As Asim said, there is a small trail leading into the 'forest'âI am so not getting over it. Fortunately, the trail lights up with lamps on either side of it. After some time of walking in, a roundabout comes to my notice first, and in the center of it, a fountain stands. And Noah is standing right in front of it, looking at the moon.
If he knows I am here, he doesn't really show any sign of it. Edging closer to him, I whisper, "Noah?"
Noah looks at me. Not the way I've grown accustomed to. His eyes are softâvulnerable.
He holds out his hand and without any thought, I put mine on it. He intertwines his fingers with mine as he pulls me towards a bench, in front of the fountain. Sitting down, he looks down at our hands.
I can literally feel the burdening weight of silence on my shoulders, the haunting anticipation in every sharp breath, the fear in his stance.
"Luna Cristina Lawson," His voice wavers. "That was her name."
"Whose?"
This time he looks at me and says with a sad smile, "She was my and Adi's best friend."
For a long time, the only sound between us is of the wind. A million questions run around my head as his words play repeatedly in my mind. But I don't say anything. I'm impatient, yet reluctant, to learn why he said 'was.'
He continues, "Our family was starting to gain fameâmedia were all over us. Mum tried her best to put all the kids away from it but they always found us. The media somehow got to know about how I got into fights in school and then came all the headlines.
"So, I shifted again to my final middle school. I kept my distance, tried not to get into fightsâI was almost invisible. Almost, because some little girl kept on nagging to be friends with me."
He huffs a laugh and leans back on the chair. "At first, I thought she was with paparazzi. I ignored her but then, she started following me everywhere. She was very stubborn. In the end, I confronted her."
I raise a brow, and he sighs. "Yeah, I was harsh on her. I said some words, I regret. She didn't follow me after but only a few minutes later, another idiot asked me to be his friend."
"Wait, is this..."
He nods, smiling. "Your AS? Yes, that was him."
"You said yes to Adi but not to the girl."
"I didn't agree to either of them. I straight up said no and moved on my path."
I roll my eyes. "Yup, that's you."
He laughs, lightly. "I thought they just wanted to be near me for money until someone grabbed me back and hit me on the head. That was the girlâLuna."
"I like her." I grin.
"I knew you would." He gives me a small smile, before continuing, "Usually, if someone hit me, I would hit back but this hit wasn't like bullying. It was how two friends hit each other, playfully.
"Adi was shocked. Hell, I was shocked. Luna didn't even reach my height and yet she hit me so easily. She pointed at both of us and told us to come to the Ice Rink across the street with her. Our first meeting together was beyond awkwardâit isn't every day you make friends on a fucking street.
"But that was our last awkward meetingâI don't know why but we just clicked. As soon as Luna got to know Adi was in the same school as us, they became friends but for me, it took time to admit them as friends.
"Then, we were inseparable. Anything happened to any one of us, the others would be there to support them. For once, I liked itâI liked having people around me who weren't blooded relatives."
Then, his face changes. "Then we started high school."
His voice comes out a little rasped, and this is it; he is going for all or nothing.
"For the first time then, everything was perfectâI had a good start to high school. Good grades, some great friends. I wasn't in any fight and also got a spot on the football team without any drama.
"Adi had got into this boarding school for genius kids out of townâneither Luna and I were surprised that he got in. Luna went to Crescent High. Even though all three of us were in different schools, it hadn't changed anything between us."
He scoffs. "I was wrong. Everything was going to change."
He clenches his jaw, clearly talking about it stirs his buried and undealt feelings. He looks like he could cry tears of rage.
"Luna was very charming and a lot of people liked her but it was rare that she liked someone back. So, I was surprised when she told me that she was dating someone. A few days later, when Adi was back home, she got her boyfriend to meet us."
"Tanner," I say to myself, but Noah hears it and nods.
He swallows and continues, "Luna was like my sister but I wasn't really protective over her. I trusted her instincts and accepted Tanner. Unlike me, Adi was very skeptical of Tannerâwhenever he was around, Adi went on protective mode. He said he didn't trust him when I asked Adi about it. I should've got itâI should've understood it but... I didn't. Because Tanner didn't seem like a bad guy to me."
Noah takes a deep breath. "It was a day before Christmas Eve when it happened. I was fifteen."
Why does this sound like the beginning of my heartbreak?
"Adi was back for holidays and thus, his Ma threw a small party. All three of us were supposed to help her with the party but few hours into the preparation, Adi and Luna had a huge fight in Adi's room. I was about to come in to intervene when Luna rushed out of the room and the apartment. I tried asking Adi but he just said to forget about it and said she would be back soon.
"She didn't come back. She wasn't picking up the calls. Not messaging. Nothing from her. Both Adi and I got tensed. People had started to come, someone had to be in the party to help and since it was at Adi's place, I told him to stay while I go to find Luna." He runs a trembling hand through his hair and sucks in a breath. "I..."
"Hey," I murmur, resting a hand on his cheek, "You don't need toâ"
"No." He breathes out, his voice stronger this time. "I haven't talked about it. Never in years. So, I have to do this. I need to."
He has such a hard time saying the words that I almost tell him to stop again. God, I hate seeing him like this, but part of me agrees with Noahâhe needs to talk about it.
He pauses, before continuing, "I thought we knew everything about each other but... Luna... She had kept a secret from us. She was this happy-go-lucky girl that I never thought..." He pauses, again. "When I reached her place, I heard screaming, shouting, glass crashingâI could make out a man's loud voice saying something about death and then, I heard her..."
"She was calling him dad," Noah says, looking at me. "And begging the man not to beat her."
Oh, god. It wasâ
"I couldn't move for a long moment. Fucking hell, I should've. The next thing I heard was a loud crash and a screamâI rushed in quickly and when I saw that fucker first, I lost it. I punched himâI kept on punching him, kicking him until he was unconscious. But I was late. I was late... Luna was lying down, not moving.
"There wasn't any blood but she was goddam so cold when I held her and called an ambulance. All the while I talked to her, tried to tell her how amazing her future will be. I told her that she would be okayâshe had to be back okay. She heard me and smiled in the most possible way. She knewâthe ambulance was lateâI..." He can't seem to say it at first. "I watched her die."
That day when he had stayed the night, I did know we had some twisted similarity between us that made me comfortable around but this is something I didn't imagine.
He's trembling as he says, "I was lateâI could've saved her, Bella, way before all this. She could've been saved."
"Noah," I choke. Without saying much, I wind my arms around him and put my head on his chest. It takes him some time but he accepts my embrace, leaning into me. He doesn't say anything. He lets me hold him.
Noah clears his throat and pulls away a bit. He hates being like this.
He says, "Everything had changed that night. In that house when Luna's father got arrested for child abuse. In that hospital when the doctor came and said she died. In both Adi and me.
"The funeral was just a small gathering. Luna was adopted. So, the only family she had was a crappy father but there was the other familyâAdi and I. We did everythingâAmelia and Rina helped too; Luna was close to them too.
"When we were preparing, we went through her stuffâher clothes and books went to charity, I took her journals while Adi took her pictures and her phone. I tried to get hold of Tanner but he wasn't in town. And then Adi told me about Luna's phone. Her voicemails, messages, calls to him, moments before she wasâ"
I suck in a breath. We both do, I think.
"He knew about her situation and yet... he didn't show up for her. Heck, he didn't even come to the funeral. I remembered how it took all of Adi to make me not burst into Tanner's house and beat the fuck out of him. I never wanted to see his face again. Never.
"As for Adi and I... We tried to be there for each other then but both of us... Adi started failing and got expelled out of that school while I stopped playing football and didn't step out of my room, just tried to sleep. But it didn't help. So, one day..."
Noah glances at me, conflicted. Like he's afraid that I can't handle what's coming. Like he wouldn't blame me if I walked out right now and never returned.
But I hold on to him. I put my other hand on our intertwined hands and squeeze. I want him to know that I'm here. For whatever he's about to say to me. For the lows and the highs. For the good and the bad. Everything. I'm here and I'll still be here with him.
Then, he confesses, "It was twisted that I wanted to feel how Luna felt when she was... So, Iâone day, I took the knife from the kitchen and cut my hand."
I don't speak, the hundred shattered pieces in my mind falling back together. My eyes start to tear up. The cold air stings my eyes.
"I'd felt it. The painâthe quick and slow heartbeatsâthe vision of Luna dying over and over again. I'd felt everything and then nothing at all. It was a twisted sense of relief."
I can't stop crying, now. Tears stream down my eyes as my vision fogs up.
Noah looks at me, his determination weakening. His hands cup my faceâwarm, bruised, and rough fingers wiping the tears off my cheeks.
"Bella..." He murmurs, his face hardens.
I shake my head, taking his hands away. I wipe off my tears, quickly, and say, "Go on. I am fine. Go on, please."
He doesn't say anything, looking at me, but eventually, he nods. Looking away, he breathes in as if it is starting to get harder for him to breathe but then, I see it.
He tells me, "I remember waking up in my bed, next moment, just as Adi had entered my room. When he saw me sitting up, he rushed to me and slapped me. I was shocked but he didn't notice, and neither could I listen to what he was shouting about. It was the first time I had seen him lose his cool. Something came over me and I...I just stood up and hugged him. He tried to beat me, push me away but in the end, he cried. That whole day he just cried."
The guilt.
He's been blaming himself ever since that night. He thinks he's responsible for Luna's death, putting Adi through hell when he tried to kill himself. And he's been living with that guilt.
He pushes back his hair. "It was my decision to leave for Nottingham, to come here. Chris just came because Mum thought it was the best for me. But IâI just couldn't stay in the same town where my past lingered, or see Adi go through that again with. Adi decided not to go to school, or make friendsâhe wanted to stay home and thus, be homeschooled.
"Adi would call me daily at night when I left. It was like a prayer to bed. But still, we needed to move on. So, we... tried to erase her from our lives. Stacked away any pictures or things or any memories we had with Luna. Never dared to speak about her. He went deep into video games and I went into bad... stuff.
"Smoking, drinking... sex. Anything that helped me to forget. Mainly weed helped me to relax, sleep and forget. I wasn't addicted to it because I don't have an addictive personality but I did it, often. And in those high moments, I didn't care if someone left me or if I was alone and brokenâa person who didn't fit into his family norms and couldn't save his best friend's life. In other times, these thoughts haunted me."
"I hated everythingâthe people, the world, myselfâespecially myself. Years came by but nothing healed. Life is a fucking rollercoaster but for me, it just kept going down and down. Only the resentment in me just grew. It made people around me miserableâprobably why Grandmother sent me and Chris back to the same place I would have never come back."
"But I am starting to wonder that it was the best decision my family ever made." Then, the corners of his lips lift into a small smile as he glances at me.
"It was you, the first person I talked to when I came back to school. I recognized you soon and fucking hell, you annoyed me with your singing and your sass at first. But when you looked at meâFuck, Bella, I think I died then and came back to life all at the same time. All I had wanted was to survive but youâyou are the reason I want to live. Dare I say, you are the rainbow in the thunderstorms of mine."
I smile when he rests his forehead against mine and kisses my nose, but I pull away. Noah looks at me in confusion.
"It wasn't your fault." I hold his face in my hands. He draws a breath and doesn't meet my eyes. "Noah... please tell me you know that."
I know better than to think me saying it to him once will be enough to end a lifetime of Noah blaming himself.
"Yes, it was. I could've saved her. If I just was early..." He blames himself some more.
"No, that's the thing, you couldn't have. You were a kid, Noah." I lift his chin up with my right hand. "None of this is your fault. None of it."
He doesn't argue with me, even though he clearly wants to. He just stares in silence like he's having an awakening. I know he wants to say something but decides not to. Noah pulls me into his familiar arms, kissing my forehead and playing with my hair.
"You are precious to me, Bella. Too precious," He merely whispers but I hear him.
My mind just goes blank and so, I let my body do the talking. I close the gap and kiss him. I want him to know how much what he just did means to me.
I whisper against his lips, "Noah Arthur Radcliffe. You are an angelâfallen, yes, but you are an angel. I don't care what the world believes or knows, I believe in you. I'll always believe in you."
He is surprised but slowly, his lips join with mine. He circles my wrist and pulls me on top of him to deepen the kiss. My legs fall on both sides of his body while his fingers venture into my hair.
I'm not an addict, but I would happily get addicted to Noah, even when I know it will take me lifetimes to get sober from him.
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- a u t h o r ' s n o t e -
so, that happened. i knew i had to write noah's back story but in all honesty? i was never prepared for it. like really i had to take breaks from writing it. it was hard, really hard.
also, i think i am gonna take a little (maybe not little) break and complete the whole story offline. don't worry, i'll publish it sooner. i don't know to be sad or happy that only ten or so chapters are left. ð¥º
until next update,
inerys