Chapter 9: Chapter Eight

DISCLAIMER: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!! THIS CHAPTER WILL CONTAIN SENSITIVE AND FOUL LANGUAGES.

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a flashback with what happened to Gun

GUN'S POV

Oab and I has been on a rough phase lately ever since Senior Year started, we were fighting a lot but we manage to get through it all, maybe it was the stress that consumed me sometimes that I get mad at him easily, he's also stressed I know that.

"Gun, do you mind visiting at the office tomorrow?" Mom asked me.

It's a weekend. I don't have internship duties on weekends but I would love to rest... However, mom has been dragging me to come visit the company with her.

"I told you, he's useless, he just wants the money that we make. He won't choose you after all of this, he wants to throw away his life with that passion he calls" Dad interrupted our conversation as he sat on the dining table clearly still reviewing some documents.

"Sure mom, I'll go" I said looking at my dad.

"He's gonna need money after that" Dad said.

"Stop it. Let him do what he wants." Mom said as she tried to defend me.

"Go ahead defend him, I'll laugh at you when he leaves you in the end" Dad said which burned the anger inside me a lot more

"If you stopped seeing me as your child, then treat me atleast as a human being, asshole" I told him.

"You little fucker" Dad said as he started beating me up again until mom went in between us and even caught a punch for me.

"Stop it Dad!" Pim said as we were all in chaos now.

Pim was crying and I was attending to my mom who is still worrying about me even though she got hurt because of me.

"Look what you have done. This makes you the best man?! Huh?! Hurting us all just because we don't go your way?!" I yelled at him.

"NO! This is all on you. You're really a great disappointment. Leave this house. I don't have a disrespectful and disappointment child." He said which shattered me and all.

I left them there and packed my stuff. I didn't know where I was going but mom barged into my room and hugged me. I started crying harder when she was begging for me not to leave. I was convinced by my mom that I never need to talk to Dad again as long as I stay in the house.

But the longer I stay, the longer my dad made my mom see the glorious disappointment I was to them, I was going on edge on my academics because the troubles and breakdowns I've been having at home was already affecting my academic performance.

I was ice cold to everybody, I envy them all, having everything figured out, having great family relationships and all... I was anxious everyday that I need to be my best, that I need to be on top. I finished everything I have to do but anxiety kept reminding me those weren't enough. The situation I had with my family ruined my mental health, the breakdowns, the anxiety attacks... I am one step closer to depression everyday, all of the bullshit consumes me.

"Gun stop this drama" Oab told me as I was having another anxiety attack. He knows all of it.

"You think this is drama Oab? Well then bullshit. I don't want it either." I said

I started crying in front of him not being able to process all of it properly anymore. I left Oab there alone as I run to my friend's rooftop restaurant, he allows me to stay here but I never told him why I kept crying.

For some this is just drama and all, but I swear, I don't want it too. Oab managed a way to find me here but his words were engraved in my chest. I couldn't see anything but anger towards him. I turned off everything inside me and decided to get revenge for myself.

I acted as if I accepted Oab's apology to me. The next days I spent being cold to everyone, I finished the project I had with Off Jumpol and even told him I can't offer friendship to him because I was leaving sooner or later.

The next days I spent so much time with my friends and my boyfriend. I was like a ghost when I go home, sometimes I also just go home to my grandma so I could pretend everything is alright.

"So, we're moving to the US after all this? I'll apply to some med school there or I could practice my pre-med a little bit." Oab said as we were having one of those coffee dates again.

"I also want to push through with having our own coffee shop Oab" I said to him

"Vintage themed, having vinyl records of our favorite bands, I'll put up some from The Killers, you put up some from LANY. We could also have movies and book rentals" He said.

We planned our whole future together that afternoon. Without me knowing I was walking into the pits of depression. I never got to talk to Oab after that, I also kept it to myself everything that has been happening, every small things affects me lately, my heart races inside my chest when I hear people argue and raise their voices. I overthink everything that seemed to be an inconvenience for me.

I found myself getting drunk as I recognize it my coping mechanism, it numbs me from all of it. I met this guy... his name is Marco, he was an exchange student from the US but little does everyone know, he was suffering from anxiety and depression as well. He was my escape.

"You know, I just want to disappear sometimes" I told him as I sipped from my beer.

"You can always, there's always a choice" He said

I was drunk when we decided to leave. I didn't know what happened but I found myself making out with him outside the bar. I was catching my breathe when I felt someone pulled me away from him, it was Oab... he saw that one... he punched Marco and left us there.

I sighed and left Marco there as well, not knowing if I could get home with my current state, I walked all the way home to my house. I walked in and saw Dad and Mom still busy with their work. I didn't mind them and pretended as if I was a ghost. I managed to lock my room door and pass out on my bed.

Everything after that night seemed to not entertain me, I felt tired and hopeless. I didn't wanna do anything anymore, I went to school for the sake of not seeing my dad, but as he says, I'm a disappointment, so let me show them what a disappointment I really am. I checked my bank account, mom keeps filling it for me, she thought I was using it but I was saving it. I'm going away.

"Gun please talk to me" Oab said as he saw me in the university grounds.

"Oab, I'm a mess, I'm not good for you" I told him

"Just let me be here for you, I'll stay through the bad days" He said pleading me.

I got into his car that day and we talked, I cried a lot more when I thought I was drained of tears, he said we'll get through it, it's just a few more months before we graduate anyway.

But what he doesn't know is that it was me who was broken inside out. My mental health came crashing down with my tears when I decided to push them away. It was no longer easy to convince myself that everything will be alright and that everything will be back to normal, because it got to me. All the thoughts got to me.

back to present time...

"I went from hook-ups to another, I didn't let Oab go, he caught me multiple times and he gave up multiple times as well, but I made his life hell, I kept running back to him when conscience fills me up. It was a living hell for me for months until Tay finally had enough." I told Off

"Being the good friend he was... Tay helped me out of that hell hole I was in, until I finally all left them, Tay didn't agree at first, but I wanted to start again, try again and I thought I was doing so well, dodging everything from here but like I did before, I was just running away from them" I said

"Go ahead... judge me, but this is me in all the chaotic glory" I said

"No. You are strong Gun. Situations are just worst, but you get through, after all, you're Gun Atthaphan, suck it up" He said and smiled

"Off I'm scared to be honest, I don't know how to move forward, I don't know how to close all the wounds that creates demons that haunt me. I'm so messed up lately Off, I don't know if I ever still deserve a spot in this world" I said as tears started rolling down my cheeks again

He pulled me and wiped my tears again...

"Gun, we're just humans, it's just life, it'll be over before we all know it. Don't be to hard on yourself, you are flawed but you're still the perfect person for your purpose" He said

Right at that moment, everything felt better.

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Thanks for reading! <3