Chapter 30: Chapter Twenty Nine

GUN'S POV

It has been another week of avoiding Off. I don't know how I would face him, I'm just so drained. There were a lot of issues and news posted about him and Mild. Some of his fans actually ship them together but then some kept pushing that we're in a relationship.

Given the fact that we have not been talking and seeing each other, some people think we broke up already. I just need a little time to get over my insecurities I guess... and then we'll talk about whatever is still left between us.

This hurts like hell

But I keep telling myself

It's gonna get better

But it's taking forever

I tried to go out

But every time I leave the house

Something reminds me

Of what's now behind me

I blasted the music. I was alone in my family's mansion for a week now. I haven't been going home, except Tay slept over for the first three days. I asked him not to tell anyone where I was. Pim and the family also knows I am here, I made them swear whatever happens not to tell Off I am here. I just wanted some peace.

Everyday I let go

Just a little bit moreIn the end I'm gonna be alright

But it might take a hundred sleepless nights

To make the memories of you disappear

But right now I can't see nothing through these tears

I sighed. I kept listening to sad songs lately and I kept ordering take-out foods. I go to my coffee shop every five in the morning but I only stay until six-thirty or seven. After that I go home to stare blankly in the ceiling or stuff. I also go to the studio sometimes, when Tay tells me that Off isn't there or he already left.

My phone vibrated for the nth time. It was Off again... he has been calling non-stop and also has been trying to find me. I don't even know anymore. A tear fell from my eyes when I opened my social media.

Co-actors Off & Mild, of the upcoming series Winter Tale, rumored to be dating when both are seen being so romantic and al in a restaurant last night for a rumored dinner date. Both were seen only with each other.

Off and Gun really broke up huh?

Who is Off talking to? He has always been on his phone... probably making more date reservations?

I'm still here for OffGun :P

Those were just a few of the tweet I saw when I opened my social media. He's taking another girl out now huh? I just neglected him for a week. For a damn week. This fucking hurts a lot.

That night I fixed myself and I turned off my phone as well. Tay has been asking me where I was when I went out. I decided to party. I needed to get lost, really lost that I wouldn't be able to think about Off or all of the rumors and articles about him and his "co-actor".

Tonight, I forget. Tonight, I'll numb all the emotions. I'm choosing me again, even though I really love Off. Some things just really never change I guess? I never get to have the man I fall for. I know I fell differently for Off than I did with Oab, I even thought Off would be the one...

After tonight, I'm breaking up with him...

I took countless shots until I could no longer count them and everything around me was starting to get blurry and spinning. I thought I would forget but I couldn't, everything is like tattooed to my brain and all those comments and posts were just stuck in my mind.

"That's enough" Someone took the shot glass from me. I looked up and it was Off.

"The fuck, who told you I was here?" I asked.

"It's a public space Gun, some fans tweeted." He said.

"Leave me alone" I said and drank straight from the bottle.

"Gun, enough. You're drunk already" He said trying to get the bottle from me.

"Not yet. Stop taking away my happiness Off" He was caught off-guard with what I just said.

He was silent for a little while until he managed to grab the bottle from me. He placed it down and took my stuff and dragged me outside. I noticed some people were already looking at us and some were taking photos. Damn, they were the reason he found me.

"Where have you been staying?" He asked.

"Mansion" I managed to slur.

I was about to pass out when Off manage to get me seated on the passenger seat of my car. I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep right away. I woke up when we suddenly stopped and I looked around, the house was a blur but I know it was my house. I stepped outside and almost fell when my knees wobbled.

"Gun, stop, wait for me" Off called from behind.

"Just go away already" I said.

I walked inside the house even though it seemed impossible because the walkway was kind of spinning.

"Gun... talk to me." He said when he caught up with me inside.

"What's left to talk about Off?" I asked.

"Gun... what is wrong? Is it about me being paired to Mild?" he asked.

"EVERYTHING OFF" I yelled and could no longer stop the tears.

"Gun... I'm sorry" He said.

"I don't want this anymore Off. It hurts. The moment when you didn't tell me about being paired to her. Was it hard? To just say a sentence about it? I tried to shrug that off because you might just be busy and it slipped your mind but then... I saw the articles and the posts, you were happy with her. Those dates... that we missed our own dates AS A COUPLE. I chose to understand at first that it was all for your work but then, I have my limits Off... there's just so much pain and jealousy I could try to hide" I said and continued crying.

"G-Gun... I'm sorry..." He said

"It was the management. I wanted to find the right time to tell you. They wanted me to make it look like I am in a relationship with her to sell the pairing to everybody. To make the series a huge success. They even told me to talk to you to announce a fake break-up, but of course I did not agree to that. I'm really sorry, I just need to follow orders. Please don't leave me..." He said as his voice broke.

"I don't have a choice anymore Off..." I said and closed my eyes.

"Maybe when you're done with all your commitments from the industry, maybe this relationship could work. I know you're enjoying it too much Off. I can see that. You also did a very good job selling the pairing, but it is hurting me Off, it also is taking so much of your time. This might sound selfish but I can't work with a relationship like that. I'm not yet ready. I'm sorry, the world just doesn't want us right now." I said sobbing.

"Before you leave, I wanted to say thank you, for six months, we made it half a year... we fought so hard. But I guess we just got tired. I just got tired. Though I am still grateful for half a year of adventure, half a year of happiness. I know we're soulmates Off, it's just not the right time." I added.

We both cried a lot until he stood up and walked away. I cried harder the moment he walked out of the house. I know that was the end. I wanted to run after him and all but I just can't. I already did gave up on him.

I cried myself to sleep that night, right there at the living room. I cried and cried until I don't know anymore. The next day my eyes were very swollen. There was also a physical pain in my chest. I cried a lot more that day.

It has been almost a week since the break-up. I never talked to anyone after that. I also locked the house and made it seem like nobody was there. Pim came one time and I pretended to be asleep when she did.

"Gun are you sure about this already?" Dad asked me.

"Yes Dad" I said and stared blankly at the papers in front me.

"If you sign this paper it will permanently remove you as owner of the studio..." He said again.

"Gun, you wanted that studio so bad, you fought so hard to be a director." Mom added.

"I just can't stay with.... Off anymore" I said.

"If that's what he wants then." Dad said.

We signed papers and the lawyer would process it to withdraw my name from the studio. I opened the second branch of my coffee shop and Dad gladly lend me his private jet. I am flying to New York for a few weeks and back to Thailand before finally saying goodbye to everybody.

I have a plan... I am going to somewhere... I always wanted to go there, I plan to settle and find a life there. I'm just so drawn to that place, it feels right.

"Gun, where are you going?" Tay asked when he noticed some bags on the side of the sofa.

"Just around Thailand, I just wanted some time alone." I said.

"You haven't been talking lately... are you sure you're gonna be fine alone?" He asked worriedly.

"yeah..." I lied.

I haven't told anyone about my plan, not even my best friend. I plan to tell him the day before I leave so that nothing would stop me from going away. No more turning back, just a lot of stepping forward...

I flew all the way to Pattaya... the beach where it all started, I just wanted to be here for the last time and hopefully to let it all go. I booked a hotel for myself and a hotel room. I plan to stay here for two days only. Enough for me to let all of it go.

I also wrote a letter to Off... I wanted to decided if I'm sending it or what...

I spent a whole day listening to our favorite songs by the shore as I cried it all away. It wasn't beach season so it was actually good that there were not much of people around. It hurts so bad, I wanted to run back to Off and ask him for another chance but the thought was selfish, I made a selfish decision of letting him go and it would be more selfish if I hadn't healed from the pain and scars and be back with him.

I didn't know how and why but I found myself in his beach house... the paint faded a little and some of it also chipped off already... it looks like no one has been here for a while... I stared at the balcony for a long while as memories flooded my mind. I let the tears flow down from my eyes...

After two days of crying at Pattaya I decided to head back for another flight tomorrow bound to New York. I wanted to settle everything in my coffee shop. I would transfer the name to Pim for this coffee shop as my birthday gift for her, it's almost her birthday after all and she helped a lot designing this one.

It was a good two weeks staying in New York except the fact that it hurt the most spending all those cold mornings and nights in my apartment not being haunted by the last time I was here. I met with my friends most of the time and we did our separate works together, just to ease the feeling of loneliness. I got in good terms with Jayler again and he even joked about us having a chance.

I came back to Thailand with the deed of the New York coffee shop named to Pim, it's hers now. I also expect the papers of my withdrawal from the studio to come in a week or two which means I have to say my goodbyes and finish my business in Bangkok before I go.

There's something pulling me back every time I think of leaving but there's no better way I could think of now...

"Pim, I got something for you." I said as Pim was checking on the stuff I got her from New York.

"There's more?" Pim confusedly asked and I nodded.

I took out the folder that contained the papers and the deed for the coffee shop and handed it to Pim.

"OMG P'GUN!" Pim said when he read what was written on the paper.

"It's yours now Pim, I got you an excuse to visit New York every now and then." I told her.

"You're really leaving for good" She said and started crying.

"Don't cry Pim, Dad said you have access to the private jet, and you'd all visit when you have time." I said and hugged her trying to stop my own tears from falling.

Goodbye was never really easy... weeks flew before I even know it, it's the day before I leave... All of my friends came. Tay was crying but he was so mad about me withdrawing from the studio and the next news he heard is that I was leaving.

"You're so unfair" Tay said

"I'll send you my address when I'm ready" I said and smiled to console him.

"You're really not going to tell me where you're going?" He asked again.

"Soon Tay... I'm really sorry and I'm really thankful to you." I said.

A lot of tears were shed that night and the next day was the day no one was ready for. I was leaving and they didn't know where... I chose to leave that way because I don't really wanted to be found. I sent off all my goodbye letters and everybody is supposed to receive it today. The only thought I had in mind was my letter to Off. I never really said goodbye personally...

--

Dear Off,

My Papii, my savior! My best friend, my bully, my project partner... my soulmate. I know things are rough between us and we might not be able to go back to the way things used to be. I wanted to say how grateful I still am and forever will be for meeting you. You became a sunshine when every storm came in my life. You saved me. You gave me so much hope. I was so happy knowing I got the chance to love you... It's just that maybe our love wasn't enough. I am writing to let you know that I am leaving now. I would be gone for good. I'll be settling into a life I really wanted. I hope it works, I wish you good luck on your future endeavors. I hope you live your life to the fullest, and I hope you're happy.

Love,

Smol Bean.

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