Chapter 81: The Net Worth of a Soul

“Thank you for coming on such short notice.”

“Of course. What’s this about, Raemon?”

Raemon motioned Indira to the armchair opposite his own. She sat down and regarded the man before her quizzically.

“You said this was urgent,” Indira asked. “Is it something with the production line?”

Raemon shook his head.

“Then what is it?”

His silence filled the next few seconds. When he spoke, his words shattered more than the quiet.

“I’m selling Icarus.”

At first, Indira didn’t believe she had heard him correctly.

“You’re…what?”

“I’m selling Icarus,” Raemon repeated. “My lawyers are drawing up the paperwork as we speak. The sale will be finalized tomorrow morning.”

Indira’s face became grim. “I hope there will be more of an explanation than that.”

Raemon stood and turned to face the window.

“There is. I want Curie to take over the current facilities of Icarus Tech, and for you to take the majority of my shares.”

If Indira had been surprised at Raemon’s first announcement, she was stunned now.

“Raemon, are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“Is something wrong with Icarus?”

“No.”

“Then why are you doing this?”

Why indeed. Raemon had no good reason to sell his company, and he knew it.

But what he also knew, something that had only recently been revealed to him, was that there were a lot more reasons he didn’t have.

As he stood before the view of the magnificent Sanatio City, he the CEO who sat at the big desk on the top floor—the conversation that had happened three days ago replayed in his mind.

Walking into Octavia’s apartment that evening, he had decided on something that would change his life forever.

When he left her apartment, it wasn’t just his life that had changed. Everything was different.

“No.”

A single word caused an intense frenzy of emotion to well up inside him.

“‘No’? What…what do you mean by that?”

“I mean, no, Raemon, I’m not going to marry you.”

Raemon was silent. He snapped the ring box shut, the sound of which would be burned in his mind forever.

“I just told you that I love you, Octavia.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Don’t you see what I’m saying? I want to make you my wife. I want to give you everything I have.” He leaned forward. “Octavia…you’re the only one for me.

“You’re the only one who makes me feel this way. You’ve changed me. Before you…I didn’t know what it meant to…to feel. I need you in my life. I must have you in my life!”

Octavia sighed and stood. She walked to the edge of the balcony railing and looked to the street down below.

As she stood at the edge of the balcony, she also stood at the edge of a whole new life. What Raemon was offering her was the chance to make the past few months of her life a new reality.

It could all be hers: the spontaneous trips across the globe, designer clothes, fancy dinners, expensive cars…whatever she wanted, he could get. Most importantly, she could become THE Mrs. Kentworth.

The one who finally captured the stone-cold heart of a beautiful but unattainable man. Many women had strived for that, many more dreamed of it. And she could be the only one who succeeded.

Octavia recognized this, but nothing within her responded to the prospect of being Raemon’s wife.

His declaration of needing her, of her being the only one for him—instead of filling her soul with any kind of warmth, made her recoil.

There was a great, gaping emptiness to his words, a hollowness to his promise. She couldn’t deny it. The imbalance was there.

What he wanted from her and what he could give in return—they were not the same.

His words echoed in her mind. ~You’re the only one who makes me feel this way.~ That didn’t sit well with her.

“That’s great, Raemon,” Octavia said. “I’m so glad I fulfill all of your requirements.”

Raemon stood. “That’s not what I meant.”

With her back to him, Octavia shrugged. “Whatever. It’s never really been a goal of mine to be someone’s happy pill.”

He took the few steps forward needed for him to be standing directly behind her.

“You’re more than that to me. You’re my light…my reason for being. I need you.”

Octavia whirled around to face him. Her eyes were complacent. “What are you to me? What would I get out of this?”

“Whatever you want,” Raemon said. “You know I’d buy the moon for you if you asked for it. I’ll be whatever you need me to be.”

Octavia threw her hands up.

“I don’t need you to be anything, Raemon. I wouldn’t ask that of you. And I didn’t mean for you to start needing me. It was just supposed to be casual between us. No real feelings involved.”

“Well, I did develop feelings for you, Octavia,” Raemon said bluntly. “And I won’t rest until I’ve made you mine.”

“Raemon, please stop. You can’t do that.”

“Why is that?”

“Because…”

She held on to the words she knew she had to say, reluctant to break them out into existence.

“What?” Raemon demanded.

“Because I don’t feel the same way about you,” Octavia blurted out.

“You do.”

“No. I don’t. Not just that…I can’t.”

“You will. I’ll make you love me. I’ll do whatever it takes to get your love.”

Octavia shook her head sadly. “I don’t think you can. I’ve never felt anything other than…a liking for you, Raemon. I’m sorry, but I just can’t give you anything more than that.”

His scowl deepened. “Why not?” he demanded. “Why can’t you return the love I have for you?”

“Listen to yourself. You outlined all these reasons I’m right for you—but how are you right for me? Don’t give me some crappy reason like you can buy me anything—I don’t need or want that.”

She paused. The words were weighing heavily on her soul; she had to let them out.

“Look at yourself, Raemon,” Octavia said. “Who are you? Raemon Kentworth, CEO and billionaire? The envy of every man? The man of every woman’s dreams? Who the fuck is that supposed to be?”

“That shit doesn’t matter.”

“But it does! All of it does! Everything you do is because of that shit. Everything you are is that shit. Don’t you see? You’re Raemon Kentworth—THE Raemon Kentworth—and nothing else.

“Everything you are is just based on some idea—an idea made by a bunch of lost, scared people. You have no choice but to be who they want, you wouldn’t allow yourself to.

“God, if the world suddenly decided eating dog shit was the thing to do, you’d be face deep in a pile of crap!” Her face fell in dismay.

“You have all this money and power, but you’re not even free to be a real person. How is anyone supposed to fall in love with that?”

As she spoke, Raemon’s expression had taken on a distinct stoniness. He stepped toward her and took both of her hands.

“I’m not perfect. I know that. You can change me.”

“I’m not here to change anyone. I don’t want to.”

“Octavia…you must feel something for me.”

“How can I?”

He pressed his forehead to hers. When he spoke, there was an undeniable urgency in his voice.

“I love you, Octavia. I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

He swallowed, holding on to her hands even tighter. “I’m giving myself to you, Octavia.”

Her hands were limp in his grasp. She looked up into his eyes and saw the desperation of his gaze. With her next words, she knew she would be inflicting pain greater than any he had experienced.

But the words had to be said, the truth had to be revealed. If no one else would say it…if no one else could say it, she would. So she said, “That’s not…worth much.”

When one’s worth is a well-known, highly envied, and frequently praised eleven-digit number, it’s very jarring to have this metric discounted in a second.

The words had instantly made him go numb. As he looked into the eyes of the woman he loved, he saw something in them that filled him with a cold dread.

Rather, it was the lack of something in them. Recognition.

He let go of her hands, his own dropping defeatedly to his sides. Without speaking, he turned and walked away from her. He went straight to the door and walked out.

And though everything inside him begged for her to do it, she didn’t stop him.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Raemon said. His voice was flat, emotionless. “I don’t know…why. I can’t even answer that. Why? Why am I doing any of this?”

“What happened?”

“She…she doesn’t love me.”

Indira was silent.

Raemon continued. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to look at your own reflection…and not recognize yourself?”

The reflection of his face in the expansive window of the office displayed a wooden face with a knitted brow weighing down his clouded eyes.

“I’ve spent years trying to prove myself. To prove I was a better man than my father. To prove I didn’t need anyone’s help to have a thriving business.

“To prove I could succeed after the people closest to me betrayed me. For the first time ever…I’m realizing how tiring that is.”

The strain had been there, Raemon knew. He had been suffering all those years, just unable to see it.

It was the harsh meaning of Octavia’s words, the reality of her refusal, that had forced him to look his own soul in the eye. And he didn’t like what he saw.

When Raemon Kentworth peered into the crystal ball of his own soul, he did not see the powerful, wealthy, tech billionaire he had built himself up to be.

He did not see the magnificent, imposing figure the world had crowned as their king.

He saw a lost child, frightened by the mocking and disdainful faces surrounding him.

Whether the faces belonged to his father, to Lucas, to any person who hadn’t thought him worthy of their respect and only deserving of their insults…those faces had all left their marks on him.

At a young age, he had learned to not let the marks show. And he had vowed to wipe the mockery off every one of those faces. But to do that, he had to pay the price.

He had to become what they would have him be. He had to play along with their rules of wealth, appearance, and power. He had to be strong, he had to be detached.

He had to make the smaller ones cower and the greater ones admire him.

He had to spurn any human connection, to go through women like Kleenex, only able to respond harshly in all interactions. He had to become the rude, uncaring brute that he had been for years.

And it was only at that moment that he had been prompted to ask himself…was that what he wanted?

He. Himself. The one called…called…Raemon Kentworth. Wait—who was that anyway?

He might as well have fallen through the ground and landed in some netherworld. In this world, he was no longer a sovereign ruler. He was a puppet controlled by the strings of a collective opinion.

He was the thing that people decided he needed to be for them to give him respect. In this world, he had no needs. He had no desires.

He could only follow orders and act out his part. The things he wanted out of life, the needs he had as a human being—irrelevant.

Because the shell of a man that he was left no room for himself, he could not even have begun to ask himself what he really wanted for himself.

So many things became clearer to him with this realization. How could Octavia ever love him? How could anyone truly love him? What was there of him to love?

Whoever had claimed to love him would have been in love with his money and his power, maybe. With what it would mean to be with someone in such a distinguished position on the pyramid of human regard.

He could fool other women into thinking he had a soul beneath his wooden exterior, but he should have known he couldn’t fool Octavia.

When her own bright burning soul encountered the gaping emptiness of his, she instantly saw him for who he was. Or who he wasn’t. Raemon Kentworth wasn’t a man. He didn’t even exist.

He looked at his life and was faced with a deep sense of disconnection. What was Icarus to him anyway?

A chance for him to create? An opportunity to bring groundbreaking new technologies to the market? Or just a machine to churn out whatever was necessary for him to gain a profit?

He had started out wanting to provide for his family, but he had long since secured his mother’s comfort.

So what was he still striving for? And how, after all that he had accomplished in his life, was he still striving?

Did the toiling never end? Was there ever a place he would reach where his weary soul could just rest?

“She doesn’t love me…because she can’t. There’s no man for her to love. Just an empty shell of a human being.”

Indira’s voice was gentle. “Raemon, I understand you’re in pain, but you don’t have to do something so drastic because Octavia refused you.”

Raemon turned back to face her.

“It’s not just that. Why am I here? That’s a simple enough question. But…I can’t even begin to think of an answer.” He smirked.

“How pathetic that I can’t even muster up a reason for living. Me. Raemon Kentworth.”

Indira regarded him solemnly. “This sounds like a lot more than spurned love.”

“It is,” Raemon said. He sighed, running a tired hand over his head. “I…I need to find a reason why, Indira. Icarus is not that reason.”

Indira nodded in understanding. “How much of the company will you keep?”

“None. I’ve divided my shares between yourself and my mother. With you in charge of the research and development facilities, production should continue as it is now.

“Icarus is a well-oiled machine. It won’t fail without me here…I built it that way.”

“And your mother?”

“My mother has a trust fund set up for her that will always be able to provide for her needs. I’ve enlisted trustees to make sure my father…or any of his relatives…can’t get their hands on her money. She will be provided for.”

“I mean, does she know about this?”

“She will. I’m flying out to see her as soon as the contracts are signed.”

“Well…I’m guessing you have something set aside to live off after this. Some real estate…or valuables?”

Raemon said nothing.

“What about your possessions? Don’t tell me you’re selling all of that too!”

Still, Raemon was quiet.

“Dear god,” Indira breathed, “you’re giving up everything?”

At this question, the grimness in his eyes intensified.

“Yes. Everything. Except an apartment I purchased recently. I’ve transferred the property deed to the current resident and have also set up a fund that will pay for all the housing needs of the residents.”

“Are you keeping anything that you own? Any account? Any sort of savings?”

“No. It will all go to either my mother’s fund or to various charities that I’ve specified…once I buy my air ticket to London, I’ll have nothing left.” He paused.

“It’s all pointless…to me anyway. It just took this for me to see things as they are. Now…knowing what I know…I can’t hold on to anything I have. I just can’t.”

Indira said nothing in response to this, letting the silence receive his words. She then stood and moved toward Raemon.

“I can’t say I understand what you are doing….but I respect it. I will do my best by Icarus.” She held out her hand to him.

Raemon took her hand and shook it. “Thank you.”

“One more question,” Indira asked, “after meeting with your mother, where will you go?”

“I don’t know.”

“You really are journeying into the unknown armed with nothing, aren’t you?” Indira remarked. “Have you told Octavia?”

Raemon was silent.

“Are you even going to say goodbye to her?”

“I can’t see her again,” Raemon said, “not like this. It was hard enough facing her when I didn’t know how much of a fraud I was…now that I do, it’s impossible.”

“Do you have any idea how long you will be gone?”

“I will be gone as long as it takes. But I won’t come back until I’m worthy of her. Until I’m worth something by myself.”

It was those words that provided Indira with a hint of understanding.

“Then I wish you luck, Raemon.”