Secret Chapter 3

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*Corey*

I tore my eyes from the road to glance at Jayden and held my breath as he gripped my hand. He was staring out of the window and holding on so tightly, I could barely feel my fingers anymore. When I first took hold of his hand, he protested saying I needed both of mine to drive, but after having convinced him to take it, his grip had not even loosened for a second. In fact, it felt like he was clinging on for dear life.

"Babe, it will be alright," I said, looking at him once we stopped at a red light.

He turned to give a half-hearted smile before looking back out of the window. I wished I knew what was going on in his head. I could not read his mind, but he was also blocking me from linking to him, probably just in case he linked to me by mistake.

Every time I saw Jayden so afraid or isolated, I wished I had kept Mike alive longer. Just to give him the pain he deserved.

Not wanting to continue bothering him or making it harder for him because the fact that he had decided to go was tough enough, I gave up trying to talk to Jayden about where we were going. Instead opting to focus on the road while squeezing his hand as my mind drifted to a conversation we had had a couple of months ago.

-----Flashback----

I had grown not to hate Finn as much as in the past, but that didn't mean I liked him. He was... cute?

I definitely would not say that out loud. He was nice, funny and weird in a way that made people want to pay attention when he did or said something because it could either end up being genius or leave the room feeling very awkward, which was hilarious to witness. It was always fun to be around someone so unpredictable.

He continued to be touchy, but I had come to learn that was another thing that was just who Finn was. He was that way with everyone.

Still, Jayden was much more comfortable with his friend's touching than mine and since we had been together for months, it had gotten to me. It just seemed like he was so much more comfortable being close to everyone else than he was to me.

I could not blame him after how we started out, but I constantly tried to show him he had nothing to worry about anymore. It was so hard keeping my distance from him, I constantly had to fight my wolf, especially when I shifted. I didn't like being near Jayden when I shifted; I didn't quite trust myself in my wolf form around him, it was harder to remain in control of that part of me.

Maybe visiting that lake was just wishful thinking.

"Corey."

I looked at Jayden as he called out, causing Jason and Zeke to look at me as well. We were at my house, along with some of Jayden's friends, watching a movie. Finn and Jayden shared a couch with Finn's head resting on my mate's shoulder, a bowl of popcorn in Jayden's lap. It stung. Why couldn't I be the one leaning on him?

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" my voice decided to project the opposite of what had been said, and I shook my head as the guys raised their brows. I shook my head, trying to brush by my weird reaction. "I'm going to bed – No, a run," I announced as I stood up and headed out of the front door.

I heard someone following me as I headed down the sidewalk but didn't look back to see who. It was obvious because I could feel them and just their presence excited and riled up my wolf making my body feel hot, my heart picking up as I began itching to shift.

"Wait up!" Jayden called.

"I can't," I replied. "Go back."

Wasn't my leaving an indication that I wanted to be alone?

"Corey, what are you angry about?" Jayden asked, running up to my side before slowing to a jog as he tried to keep up with me. It would have made me laugh had I not been so upset.

"Nothing," I muttered.

He gave a low growl as he grabbed my wrist to stop our movement before letting go. My brows rose at him. Did he just growl at me? Being a Beta, no one growled at me, whether part of my pack or not.

"What are you angry about?" he repeated.

I frowned at him. How did I say this without sounding pushy or overstepping? I did not want to make him uncomfortable, but he was asking...

"I'm not angry... just... upset," I tried to clarify it.

Jayden nodded, urging me to continue and I felt slightly better just because of how inviting and safe his presence felt. He was easy to talk to. I sighed.

"Don't take this the wrong way. Why don't you have a problem with him touching you? It's... upsetting... Every time I'm near you; you push me away. Every time I so much as try to take your hand, you move away or just seem... uncomfortable. You don't do that with Finn or our friends..." I said feeling my heart thud anxiously.

The reaction felt weird, but I brushed it off as my not usually being so honest with people or even myself about what I was feeling. It sucked that he clearly still did not feel comfortable with me. It hurt. I was trying my best to be a good mate, to appear safe to him and show him the better part of me than what he had first experienced. It just felt like no matter what I did, all he saw was that.

"No matter what I do... you don't want to be near me..."

He was quiet, but I waited patiently until he spoke.

"I trust him."

I stared at Jayden after he spoke. His eyes were focused on the grass, avoiding mine.

It kind of felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It physically hurt hearing that.

He dropped his hand from my wrist, and I bit the inside of my cheek wishing he had not because it made him feel further away.

"You don't trust me?" I asked, softly.

"No." He looked up. "I do, I trust you. But things are different with Finn and the others," he said.

"Different?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes, different. It's not you, I don't trust me and I'm... afraid."

Jayden inhaled deeply, again looking away from me.

"I know that with him and the others, nothing will happen no matter how close we are. With you –" he stopped before gulping, "– With you, every time I'm near you I feel so much, I want you so much and it's terrifying."

I opened my mouth, but he continued.

"I don't want him like I do you. I love being with you, but I can feel the excitement and... and one thing might lead to another, and I want that, but I don't. I really... don't, Corey. I want to be near you so badly but it's... terrifying. I c-can't..." his voice cracked with the last sentence, and I watched him rub his face while his breathing became hard, as if he was on the verge of panic.

"Jay," I stepped up to him and took his hands, gently pulling them from his face to reveal his teary eyes. "Calm down..."

He nodded at the mumble and began trying to calm his breathing again. I focused my eyes on his.

"Jayden, you know we'll never do anything you're not ready for," I said.

He shook his head leaning his forehead against my chest; it was obvious he did it just to hide his face now that I took his hands away.

"I don't know if I'll ever be ready, Corey. I can't do that again. I can't. I'm s-so sorry because it's not fair to you." He sobbed and I felt my heart break.

I grit my teeth, glaring at the trees behind him as I let him go to run my hands onto his shoulders. I wanted to hug him, but did not want to make him uncomfortable so held back.

I really regretted not being able to hurt Mike, I wished I had tortured him. I let him off too easy. I wanted him to pay for every time I saw fear in Jayden's eyes when I snuck up on him or touched him, wanted him to pay for every second Jayden stayed up because of nightmares or terror. I let out a deep sigh listening to Jayden's crying.

I couldn't make him pay though, he was gone and even if I had kept him alive, no amount of torture to that man would have helped Jayden or changed what had happened to him. Mike didn't get what he deserved but at least we knew for sure that he was gone.

Given everything he was still struggling with and hiding, at least Jayden did not have to deal with the fact that that man was still around. Hopefully, eventually, he would be able to heal a little. He wouldn't be able to on his own, though.

As Jayden's crying eased up, I leaned back to cup his face in my hands and tilted his head so he was looking at me again. I smiled and watched his brows crease in confusion before they softened as his eyes ran over my face. Lifting my thumbs to his cheeks, I wiped his tears away and felt my smile grow seeing how calm he was as he stared up at me. At least I could calm him down.

"You really have nice eyes..." I mumbled.

He broke into a choked laugh that caused my brows to furrow in bewilderment.

"What?"

"You said that –" he was cut off by his laughter. "You said that when we were going to the peaks, and you were drunk." He chuckled. "Right afterwards, you threw up in front of everyone."

"Oh God," I groaned throwing my head while shutting my eyes tightly.

"You think so?" He was still chuckling as I looked down.

I did, his eyes were so warm and wide, so inviting despite everything he had been through. They darkened as his laughter stopped though and he glanced back down. I sighed leaning my head against his again.

"Jayden. I'll never hurt you and I'll never let anyone hurt you. I promise. I'm sorry if I seem pushy, but I'm okay waiting however long it takes for you to get close to me... I just get so jealous of how easy it seems with everyone else. That hurts. But it's not your fault," I mumbled.

He nodded slowly and we were quiet for a few seconds before his head tilted up and I couldn't help but laugh when he planted a light kiss on the tip of my nose. I tilted his face slightly more and pressed my lips against his gently for a moment before pulling back.

"You coming back to the house now?" he asked.

"Yeah," I felt slightly embarrassed for having left, but he did not seem to notice that and just smiled as we began heading back.

I looked over at Jayden feeling a little fidgety and eventually just decided to ask.

"So, uh... can I hold you? That's all I'll do."

He looked at me and gave an uncertain smile but nodded.

I sighed in relief and dropped my arm onto his shoulders before pulling him against my side. It was made better by him slightly leaning against me as we walked, his shoulders relaxing. He seemed content, which made me happy and I grinned glancing up at the stars while thinking that my night was made, that was until I felt his arm circle my waist. I looked down at him surprised, but he was avoiding my eyes again and it made me chuckle.

"Don't say anything, Corey."

That moment definitely made my month.

-----End Flashback----

I stared at the road hoping the people we were headed to could help. After discussing it with his mom and Joe, he decided to see someone hoping they could help. It had taken a while, because he continued making excuses when the time to see the councillors actually came. I had agreed to go with him to someone outside of the pack, finally. He had gone through enough; he didn't deserve to be haunted by it for the rest of his life.

*Jayden*

I stared out of the window feeling more anxious the further we drove from Inferno territory. Corey and I had been together for nearly a year. A few nights ago, when he was over at Inferno he pulled me into Joe's office. I knew he wanted to talk about something serious or he would not be pulling me into a soundproof room.

Turned out he wanted to address my excuses and sudden sicknesses whenever Joe set up appointments for me to see our pack councillors.

He had given up on the pack councillors when I said they were too close to home for me and then suggested seeing a human who had nothing to do with the pack but I got sick on the day. I wasn't faking. The thought of going to them had made me so nervous I threw up, I might have exaggerated the sickness afterwards to the point where Corey, my mom and Joe were worried sick that I had caught something so strong my werewolf cells couldn't fight it.

Of course, I felt really bad about putting them through that afterwards, I didn't admit to it though.

I finally decided to go that morning, on the condition that Corey came with me. He had been more than happy to, and I pretended to be calm, like my head wasn't spinning and my stomach twisting at the thought of talking to some stranger about things personal to me.

So now there we were, driving to the practice while I clung to Corey's hand because it seemed to be the only thing somewhat calming me down as the music coming from the radio only made my headache worsen.

I was beginning to feel physically sick again. Corey kept the car at a fixed speed and drove carefully while mostly ignoring the gear just so that he could hold onto my hand. There wasn't any traffic on the route we were on. It was all nerve-racking, but holding onto him was drastically calming me down. Despite how afraid getting close to Corey I was, subtle contact with him made me feel much safer and calmer than anything else did.

I swallowed watching people walk down the sidewalk, kids play on lawns and my eyes fell on a couple who were hugging and playing around in a driveway before one of them climbed into a car. I felt bad for not being that way with Corey.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so selfish. Maybe I should have let him get another mate. I should have let him be happy with someone who could give him as much as he could give them.

No.

Even with all those thoughts, I knew I would not change it if I could. He was mine, giving him up had never been an option.

"We're here." I was snapped out of my thoughts by Corey's announcement.

I didn't look at him but was clinging to his hand like I was about to drown and he was on land. I felt his hand squeeze mine again.

"Babe," his voice was soft and sounded concerned. I stared at the brown-bricked building in front of us with the doctor's names etched onto a sign in the front used to direct people. "Jayden?" Corey spoke again.

"I-I don't want to," I whispered truthfully.

"Jayden –"

"It's not that I don't trust them – it-it is, a little. But... also... taking about..." I drifted and swallowed the huge knot in my throat feeling tears burn my eyes. "I don't want to, Corey," I whispered.

I felt his hand cup my face and turn it so that I was looking at him and realised the tears that had been burning my eyes were running down my face. Damn it. I gritted my teeth and looked down. Why was I always so weak in front of him?!

"Hey, it's alright." He lifted my chin. "We can trust them. I'll be right beside you the entire time, if it becomes too much, you can stop. But you have to try to talk about it. You can't keep bottling this up, it isn't healthy for you," he said, I began to shake my head to continue protesting but he spoke again.

"I don't want you to keep feeling trapped and afraid, Jay... If you're scared right now, just do this one session for me? I hate that you're keeping all of that to yourself; I wish I could help you. I can't and I hate that, but I can be there for you, and I will. I'll be with you every second.

"I can never understand what they put you through, but keeping it hidden is only hurting you more and you don't deserve that. You deserve to be happy. I don't know if this will help, but there's a chance. You could feel better, Jayden. And isn't that worth trying just once? Please... just try. Just today."

His eyes were tearing up and it made me pained that he seemed so broken seeing me hurt. At the same time, I felt somewhat warmer knowing he genuinely cared so much.

"Plus, just tap my hand and we'll leave. But you have to try first," he added.

I bit my lip trying to hold back more tears.

"O-okay," my voice sounded out in a cracked tremble.

He smiled despite himself, and I felt my lips twitch into a small smile as I lifted a finger to run it under his eye when a tear escaped. He sniffled, trying to hold back as he tilted his head to kiss the finger lightly. It made me chuckle despite how closed-up my throat felt.

I was happy. With him, I was very happy, but I knew he knew I still couldn't stand myself or stop being petrified. He deserved someone who at least tried to be better... I wanted to be with him in so many ways I was terrified about, and he never got upset when I burst out at him or pushed him away.

"Let's go?" he asked, carefully.

"Let's go," I repeated with a sigh.

My legs felt like boulders of jelly as we made our way into the reception area, but I wasn't as afraid knowing he wasn't going to leave me alone for a second.

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