Chapter 39

*****

*Jayden*

I lay on the couch staring at the roof. The house was silent because everyone had gone out to buy the bus tickets and prepare to leave, but I opted to stay home.

Corey had left in the morning. He hadn't told anyone where he was going; he had just disappeared. It was normal for him, though, so no one had been too worried about it.

"Finn likes you." I smiled at the fact that his random popping up didn't faze me at all. It should have though; I had not even heard the front door.

"I know." I didn't sit up or look for him.

"You know? And you're okay with it?" Corey's voice sounded closer now before his head leaned over me, blocking my view of the ceiling.

"Yeah, I mean, he's cool... and hot. He's a lot of fun to hang out with and he's funny. I quite like him too –"

"No! No, you don't! You don't like him!" Corey practically dove onto me; the most upset frown I had ever seen from him on his face, and I just began laughing. His hands were resting on the armrest on either side of my head, so his body was not leaning on me.

His expression turned confused before he glowered at me. "Asshole."

"You deserve it," I smirked.

"You used to be so terrified and shy." He shook his head seeming almost disappointed. "Now I have to be mated to a smart-mouthed, annoying person."

"I'm not annoying." The word had left me so offended.

I watched as he smiled at me without saying a word. His smile fell slightly as his eyes seemed to study my face, making me feel somewhat self-conscious.

What was he thinking?

"Maybe we should..."

"Can I kiss you?"

I was surprised at the question.

He inhaled sharply as he straightened his arms, pushing himself further from me.

"I-I mean. I... I miss..."

I bit my lip. I knew what he met. I was still surprised he had asked though, and didn't reply. Eventually, he smiled and moved to lie beside me. The smile felt like a reassurance that he understood if I did not want to, but that was what made me want to even more.

"Yes," I said.

Corey's eyes widened and I smiled as he lifted his hand to my face to guide it to his. The kiss was slow and careful, as if he was still letting me know I could pull away. I leaned further into him, lifting my hand to his neck to draw him closer.

His grin against my lips made me practically go limp, and I enjoyed the ecstasy of being close to him, of having him seem to want to be close to me.

I tensed slightly as his hand ran down my neck, tracing my body to my waist. I wanted to pull away but couldn't move. It might have upset him if I did.

I shivered as his fingers lightly grazed my bare torso as his hand rode up my shirt and he chuckled, seemingly finding the reaction amusing. My body relaxed at the deep, cheerfulness of his chuckling as his hand brushed against my skin.

The touch was gentle. That was different. This wasn't like it.

Corey broke the kiss and began trailing kisses along my jaw and onto my neck as he shifted so he was on top of me again. My heart picked up as I stared at the ceiling, and I tried to control my breathing.

I shut my eyes thinking of the times I'd seen him in the hall with girls, wishing to trade places with them. The kissing left a new sensation running through my body, one I had not experienced before. It sent heat through my skin, a pulsing warmth deep into my body, lingering into the pit of my stomach and lower.

I held my breath as Corey's lips lifted for a second so he could pull his shirt off.

I stiffened up a little as my palms touched his bare chest, his body weighing onto mine, and it was as though the reality of our position kicked in. He was heavy. It was beginning to feel suffocating even though he wasn't lying on top of me.

I froze when his hands reached to undo the button of my jeans and suddenly my chest felt horribly compressed.

"Jay?" Corey pushed up so he was leaning over me, his arms creating space as they had earlier.

I avoided his eyes, trying to hide my panic despite knowing he could probably feel it. I forced my breathing to remain normal, which only made my head start to feel light.

"Is-isn't this fast...?" I whispered.

"Not much faster than usual," he chuckled.

Right. This was normal for him. It was normal for mates.

"I'm not going anywhere." He began to lean in, trying to initiate another kiss, but I impulsively shoved him away.

His brows rose in surprise.

"I..."

"Why do I feel..." he glanced at my chest. "Why are you freaking out, Jayden?" he asked.

"I-I'm not freaking out." The breathless voice that left my mouth contradicted the words.

"Jayden, what's up?"

I tried to hide the fear filling me as I stared at him. I didn't feel like I could say it. I knew what would come next if I said it.

"Jay... do you want to keep going?"

The question drew me out of my thoughts into a dazed shock at the question. He asked... Corey furrowed his brows at me, his eyes concerned as he studied my face. I kept going over the question, trying to figure out what reaction neither response would draw. I played over every time he had been angry at me in the past. No reaction was as bad as theirs. What if it was this time?

"Jayden," Corey said my name carefully.

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes.

"I-I don't want to."

"Okay. We won't."

I looked back up at him. The answer relaxed my chest as it deflated in relief when I exhaled. The breath out made my nose burn as his words and reaction sunk in.

I felt confused as Corey's lips formed into a mischievous smile, but quickly glared up at him because I knew he was up to something.

"Don't you dar –" I let out a shout as he began tickling me, making me squirm beneath him. "Corey!" I hated being tickled.

I was going to kill him. He eventually laughed, grabbed my hands as I tried to fight the attack and pinned them beside my head.

"Fine," he chuckled. "No more tickling."

I smiled at him as he leaned back down to kiss me. The kiss lingered, as if he was savouring it as much as I was, and it did not feel like it was heading anywhere—as if it was enough and we were just enjoying the moment.

It was amazing... but it wasn't supposed to be.

My father's voice sounded in my mind, the memory of us in the parking lot replaying.

'I gave you exactly what you wanted...'

Was he right?

No... but....

How could I be enjoying it? I wasn't! I didn't enjoy it! I couldn't be when I swore I did not want it. Was that a lie? Did I want it? They said... I felt my eyes begin to sting. How could I like this?! It was going to hurt, and it was going to be my fault again because I let it happen! I pulled my hands from his and slammed my fist into his chest to get him away from me.

The weight immediately lifting off me was unexpected.

"Jayden! What the hell was that for?!"

My eyes shot wide as he got off me and backed away, his hand on his chest where I had hit him while the other was held up in defence.

My heart was racing, but it wasn't because of the kiss.

Corey... It's just Corey... I shut my eyes, trying to catch my breath while lifting my hands to my face. Shit.

"I-I'm sorry." I sat up quickly. "Just – it's... I just thought we were getting carried away." It seemed like a good enough excuse for my reaction.

"No, don't lie. Not again. It's more than that. What happened? Is your dad? Tell me why you're so uneasy," he demanded.

"I wasn't – I'm not. I was joking." The lie was accompanied by a miserable attempt at a laugh.

"Jayden –" He began.

"That's it, alright?!" I cut him off.

I hated lying to him, I hated disappointing him and couldn't keep doing it, but I couldn't tell him the truth either. That would be so much worse.

"Just – Just drop it!" I didn't wait for a response from him, instead shoving off the couch to walk out.

I headed straight to my room and shut the door before leaning against it. The wood felt cold against my back as I let my head fall back against it. Closing my eyes because they were pounding only resulted in hot tears beginning to run down my face. I was not sure what upset me more, my thoughts or the fact that it felt like I was a disappointment or let-down to Corey.

I hated that I'd reacted to him like that, he was never going to stop asking questions. I felt so stupid, so absurd. They did not look at all alike, Corey felt nothing like him! How could I have compared it? Well, in the end, it would feel the same. I didn't want to do it again.

A sigh made my chest feel like it was caving into itself as I slid down to the floor, the door scratching against my bare back before I hid my face in my arms as they rested on my knees.

How could I think it was possible to brush by everything? To just forget it. I had tried so hard but could not even kiss someone without losing it. It was just sex. I should have been able to do it. I was so weak... So fucking pathetic... Corey was going to notice, had already noticed... He was going to become frustrated. When he found out, he was going to hate me again.

*****