0.35 | when changing a subject |

0.35 | from Sabah's recorder: when changing a subject |

I stayed there for a long time, in that empty damp alley thinking the same old thoughts, another memory added to the haunting pit at the back of my head.

I jumped slightly when I heard my name whispered through the night.

"Carlotta?"

It was Auburn, blinking out into the darkness, sleep still evident on her face, her hair a mess. Rubbing her eyes, she stepped out, "What are you doing out so late?"

I shrugged, "Thinking." I had a feeling I knew what was coming next. If she hadn't seen my cigarette, her disapproval would wait until she saw it. Then, would come the shock and stark judgement. I would mutter an apology, throw it away and squash it under my heel. That would give me an insane jolt of pleasure. Later, I would miss it.

"Can I have one too?" she asked, settling beside me, looking up where the stars would be if the pollution was a little less.

I raised an eyebrow and passed her the packet with its colourful warning cheerfully telling its users, smoking kills.

She picked one and I handed her the lighter wordlessly. Once again, the alley around us flared up in a circle of light and then we were two points glowing in the smokey night.

"We better not wake up Anthony. If he sees us like this, he'll have a fit." She smiled.

"You smoke," I stated, dully.

"It's a bad habit but at the end of the day, it is a habit," she replied.

I shifted, realizing once again how less I knew about Auburn even after all this while but for once, that didn't trouble me. Maybe that was the first time when I understood that all we know is just a drop in an ocean of all we don't and as someone who was swimming along as best as she could, I couldn't know all the drops at once or maybe even ever but that was okay. It was okay because there are other swimmers in the rivers and whether we notice or not, all rivers lead to seas and at the end of our voyage we will end up in one ocean where all swimmers join hands even as their toes touch the sand and hidden plants on the seabed. What did it all mean, I wondered?

I placed everything in front of her and she shrugged.

"I don't know about this ocean you talk of but we always seem to find ourselves coming to the sea, don't we?"

"Do we?" I frowned. "I haven't noticed."

"I think it might be because we are after all, seventy percent water and all that water inside us is just telling us to jump back to where it came from. Maybe all evolution is a going back and all we do our lives is run and run until we come full circle." She was whispering now and maybe I was too.

There were just too many maybes for people who stayed up beyond two in the morning when the night tricks you into temptations of all your unreal dreams. I wanted to take this window, jump out and run too. Would I come full circle if I did?

"When I was younger, I used to think about divorce all the time, you know," she said, the night glittering in the dark depths of her eyes. "Not so much now."

I stared at her. Finally, I asked, "Why?"

"I wished for my parents to divorce, of course." She grinned and shook her head. "Not your average child's wish, I suppose."

"Why?" I parroted, feeling foolish at never having the ability to say more when words would stick like nougat at the back of my throat.

"They used to argue. All the fucking time. It got to a point when I couldn't lay the blame at either's feet. Oh I tried to ignore it all I could. They were never bad to me. They loved me but somewhere along the line they stopped loving each other. I never quite understood whether they had ever really loved. I used to pray every night that one of them would run away. I would have helped pack their bags."

I wanted to say something or rather put my arm around her drooping shoulders and hug her but I knew she didn't want that. I knew her that much by then. So, we stood beside each other waiting for something.

"Is this to put my marriage into perspective?" I asked, suddenly.

"No." She waved away the smoke. "It is to tell you that my parents want to meet me. Gordon created a fuss at home and I am no longer permitted to hide like the cowardly cockroach I am."

"They are coming here? Wasn't your Dad-?

She smiled ruefully. "He's better but no, they are calling me back."

People look the nearly same when they're crying or laughing if you remove the tears-it is confusing-but when she finished saying this, everything disappeared. Suddenly Julia was melting away. "You're leaving!"

"Not forever, just a visit. Besides, I am not sure I will go."

We both knew she was lying. She was not the type to decide things half-way. She was decided, she would go.

"Please, don't-"

"What the hell!? I was scared shit when I woke up to find you guys gone!"

Anthony looked wild and as his pupils dilated against the dark, disappointed and scared. "Are you kidding me? You guys are smoking?" He strode up to Auburn. "You were supposed to look after her!"

"Anthony, calm down-"

"This could kill you someday, both of you." He glared at me this time and reluctantly I let go of my cigarette and crushed its end.

Auburn wasn't done though. She stood up to him, anger flashing back. "Maybe in your world of cute butterflies and flowers the fact hasn't shown up yet but we all die someday! Nothing we can do about it. Or did you not know that? Come to think of it, what do you know about our lives? Coming here and judging us like your pompous self!"

He was silent. His hair hung like a shaft of light over his head and his lips pursed. "Okay."

"What does that mean?" She glared at him.

"Go ahead," he said. "Maybe once you're done accusing and judging me, you will tell me what's really worrying you." He glanced at me. "Or is this something I can't know about your lives?" I felt ashamed hearing the hurt that underlined his words. It was true, we were always closer, Auburn and I, when it came to these things. I had never thought of what effect we had on him when we stole away to our world, leaving him behind, left out.

She reddened and stalked past him, the door clanging shut behind her.

He raised an eyebrow at me and then slapped a hand to his forehead. "Sorry, Carlotta." He ran back, "Wait a second, Auburn."

Those two never fail to surprise.

I followed him and by the time I walked in he was already whispering, "-shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I know it sounded judgmental but I was just really worried. Sorry I created a scene."

She punched his shoulder playfully. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have shouted back. I said some really mean things. I didn't mean them. A lot has been going on lately and I just...Sorry."

He sat down beside her and nudged shoulders. "Well, you do have a very wise friend who is going to listen and help you come to a solution. You too, Carlotta." He raised his head to give me a comforting smile.

I laughed. "Here I thought I was the very wise friend!"

"I am the wise one, of course," Auburn joined in.

"Wait, wait, wisdom runs in my very veins."

"Mine is concentrated in my brain right where I can use it so I win."

"I'm older in years, experienced, and wiser than you can ever imagine."

"You're a child at heart but I'm wiser beyond my years."

***

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