Chapter 9: Chapter 9

(Chapter song ‘Another Love' by Tom Odell)

ANNA “Here you go sweetheart.”

My mother puts a cup of coffee in front of me on the coffee table. My mother is an older version of me. In my teens, we would pretend to be sisters so my mom wouldn’t feel old. Her amber eyes are always filled with love for me.

“Thanks.” I smile.

It's been a couple of days since I saw Michael. I took some days to clear my head. The showdown with Karver, really got to me.

Michael did, too. I’m still pissed that he put me in that position. Telling me he loves me while I’m upset about David. He’s got a big set of balls.

I needed to get away.

So I packed a bag and headed to Eden to see my parents. Well, just my mom since my dad is always away on business. We never get along anyway. He hates my job. Hated David. He hates how I dress and act. He just hates me. That’s fine with me because I hate him too. It’s not like he showed me any kind of love. Just because I didn’t want to fit into his tiny box of how a woman should act. He roped my mom, but he’ll never rope me.

I pull my feet up on the couch as my mother sits and hands me my cup. “So, this visit is a surprise.” She leans on the back of the couch.

I take a drink and set my cup on my lap. “I needed to get my head straight.” I look down and run my finger around the rim.

She leans to me. “I saw the Karver arrest on the news. You should be proud.”

I nod as my chin quivers just a tiny bit. I swallow and smile. “I am.”

“David would be proud too.” She places a hand on my knee.

I smile bigger. “I know.”

“Darling. I know this is so hard for you, but you can’t keep punishing yourself.” She talks in a mothers caring tone. A tone I needed to hear.

I nod again. “I’m trying.” I mumble.

“OK.” She smiles. “What about dating? Have you been seeing anyone?”

Michael comes into mind and take a deep breath in. “Sort of. It’s complicated.”

She scrunches her brow. “How so?”

I told her about Michael. How we’ve been seeing each other for the last few years and that he just told me he loved me.

“So what’s the problem? Don’t you love him too?” She asks me.

I turn and slump on the back of the couch. I lean my head back. “I don’t know. I love him as a friend, but to love him like David? What’s the point, mom?”

She nods. “I understand, but maybe its so you won't be so lonely anymore?”

“Im not lonely, mom.” I sit up and put my cup on the table.

She sits up too. “Anna. Eventually your heart will heal and will want to be filled again. Maybe Michael is supposed to fill it.”

I lean on my knees. River popped into my mind when she said those words. All the feelings I felt around him flooded me. “Do you think it’s possible to have a second chance?” I roll my head to her.

She thinks about it. “I think people deserve second chances.”

I hang my head. “True love twice in a lifetime? Sounds like a movie.” I chuckle.

She leans to me again. “Sometimes it happens.” She smiles at me.

“Do you think its possible to have feelings for someone you barely know?” I look into her eyes. “Like honestly.”

She sits up. “All I know is, the heart wants what it wants, sweetie. If it’s calling you to someone, you can’t really ignore it. Why? Is there someone else?”

I think of how much my curiosity has risen since I’ve met River. “A soldier.”

“A soldier.” She swoons. “Is he sexy?”

“Mom!” I slap her as she giggles.

She puts up her hands. “Just asking.”

I grin. “He’s hot with a capital H.” I laugh.

“OK. So you think he might be an option for you?” She asks.

I shrug. “He’s interesting, but he’s a military meat head. I’m not sure if that’s what I want.”

“You’re not dating his job, honey.” She tilts her head to me.

“No.” I start. “But…I can’t stand the Security Unit. I don’t know if I want to date someone who works for them. The whole place is just…I don’t know…disturbing.”

She wags a finger at me. “They protect us. You shouldn’t talk like that about the Alliance.”

I scowl. “Please. I can guarantee you, none of those guys could handle downtown on a Friday.”

“Well, if you think like that, you could let a good one slip away.” She warns.

I climb on the couch and cuddle with her. “David still fills me so much. I don’t know if I have room for anyone else.”

She holds my head to her shoulder. “Real love will make room, honey. Don’t worry. You can hang onto David and still love. Your heart is bigger than you think.” She pushes me off. “I have to get dinner started.”

“OK.” I mumble.

I put the cup to my lips. Do I really have the energy for this? Is there a man out there as good as David was to me? Michael has definitely been a great friend, but as partner? I just don’t know.

Once the weekend arrived, I got out of there because my dad was returning from whatever trip he was on. I had shit to do at home anyway. I hugged my mom and told her to not be a stranger and hit the road to Falcon Ridge.

On the ride back, I kept trying to make some sense in my head.

Could I love Michael? Is he really for me? Has he been in front of me this whole time?

If I search my head, I don't know if I can say it back. I never thought of him that way. If I search my heart, it’s full of swirling confusion and maybe a touch of fear. Fear of a real relationship. Fear of being open with someone.

Fear of losing David forever.

He was right. He’s always been there for me. Even when I suffered so much I attempted to end. He pulled me out, but it wasn’t far enough. The pain was still there. It’s always there. The shredded remains of what held David and I so close. It fucking hurts. Every damn day.

At home, I sat on my porch swing on my back porch wrapped in a blanket. The swing David bought for me to sit with him so we could just hold each other.

Now, it’s my place I go when things feel dark. He’s here somewhere. So, when I need to feel his arms around me, I sit and talk.

"David, what do you think?" I say to the yard. I look out to the tiny flower gardens and grass that needs to be cut. I wish he could answer. Just give me some indication that if Michael and I became something, he would be happy about it. That he really wants me to move on.

As his face floated in my mind, a warm breeze gently blew around me. I closed my eyes and let it embrace me. I take in the warm feeling on my skin. I always imagine it's David's hands on my cheeks trying to tell me something. I just don’t know what.

"Who's David?"

A voice springs my eyes open and I turn to the corner of my house. He steps into view. He’s wearing a red t-shirt with jeans. Quite different than the military uniform I’ve gotten used to seeing him wearing. His blue eyes kind of sparkle in the afternoon sunshine.

River puts his hands up, apologetically. "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.” He gives a tiny smile.

I relax a bit, but my heart doesn’t. Its thumping a little faster as I get a better look at him. Of course, the guilt of shooting him fills me. "Um…Hi. No. It's fine." I sit up and adjust myself.

"Can I...." He points up to the porch.

I smirk. “I don’t know, can you?”

He chuckles and shakes his head. I know he’s thinking I’m a smart ass. “May I?” His eyes meet mine and I feel a little warmer inside. They seem a little bluer today.

I move over. “Please. Sit.” I offer.

He slowly walks up the steps as his lips turn up. "Thanks."

I follow his body as we walks to the swing, turns and sits. It felt weird having another weight on it as it swayed. I missed that.

He sits back, places his hands in his lap and his feet gently push the swing back and forth. Internally, I laugh because David use to do the same thing. He motions his hand to the back. "This is a nice yard. Great place to kick back."

I smile. "Yeah. I don't spend too much time back here anymore." I pull my blanket up around my shoulders and prop an elbow on the back of the swing.

He crosses his leg and hangs his arm over the back of seat. "So, are you going to tell me?" His eyes squint in the flashes of sun that dance across us from behind the tree leaves.

I look over his position on the swing. A lump develops in my throat. He’s really starting to remind me of him and it’s starting to hurt. "Tell you what?"

He scrubs the back of his head as he looks out to the yard. He turns to my eyes. "Who's David?"

I shake my head. "No one important.” I rub the back of my neck and stare at the wall of the house.

He uncrosses his legs, leans forward and rests his arms on his knees. He taps his fingers together and rolls his head to me. "It’s important, Anna. The way you were that night, tells me he has a lot to do with it. I saw your face. I saw your pain. It wasn't for me. It wasn't for Karver with a gun to my brain. What was it?"

I look down at my hands. They’re shaking so, I cover them in the blanket.

I look out to the yard where David and I spent many nights stargazing in the grass.

I quickly glance at him and play with my blanket. "We were in love. Deep love. He joined Border 5 years ago and it was like I got hit by a truck. He was beautiful in every way possible.” I give a quick smile at how corny that sounded. “He was funny, smart, brave. Would take a bullet for anyone."

I swallowed and cleared my throat. "We got a bead on Karver, in Weston. We set up the plan and had him dead to rights. We chased Karver to a training center. David told me to check the upper levels while he checked the bottom. I found nothing so I went back to find David.”

I lean my elbow down on the top of the swing and hold my chin in my curled fingers as I stare at the wall. The day my life ended came flooding back. My other hand rubs the top of my shoulder because it still hurts to this day. “I…uh…I entered a hallway and there he was..." I couldn't hold the tears back.

My breath hitched. "He…He was standing in front of Karver with Karver holding a gun to his head and a silver rope around his neck.” I squint my eyes and a tear falls as the images hit me.

“I drew my weapon. David was yelling at me to shoot. I knew it would kill him. I couldn't do it. I couldn't shoot the man I loved. He screamed over and over ‘Shoot him, Anna' and the whole time Karver was taunting me. Daring me to do it." I took a deep breath as River listened intently. His brow furrowed and his face fell.

I licked my upper lip and sniffed. I swallowed the past my closing throat. "I surrendered my weapon, tossing it. Begging him to let David go, but he didn't. Within seconds, Karver, he…”

I covered my eyes with my hand as my crying got more intense. “He put a silver bullet in David's brain and escaped.” My turned to whines as I talked. “My entire world crashed as his body hit the floor.”

My breath hitches and voice cracks as I start to cry harder. I suck in a breath and the anger I feel for myself. My words became harsh behind my pain. “Because of my fucking weak ass decision, David was murdered.” I choke.

“A week later, Karver took an army and attacked Timber. Hundreds more were killed. Because of me! Because I just couldn't pull the fucking trigger!...Because of me..." I thump a finger into my chest then sob into my hand.

Without hesitation, River leaned over and grabbed me. He pulled me into his chest. Normally, I’d tear his ass up, but I couldn’t. His arms felt so good as he held me. I gripped his shirt and let it all out.

"Anna...I'm so sorry." He hugged me tight and let me open up into his shirt. I felt so helpless. So out of control. I just needed to get this out. I needed to feel this. I needed to feel someone. Really feel them.

He held me for a solid minute as I emptied my pain for David.

I slowly push off him and try to catch my breath. I wipe my cheeks and nose as I turn to the yard. "It's…um…it’s fine..." My breath hitched again. "I've accepted my demons." My eyes find his.

He reaches ups, tuck my hair behind my ear and tilts his head. "It's not fine, Anna. This is clearly still affecting you, but you got him this time.” He leans forward to me. “You had to shoot me to do it..." He smirks a bit.

I let out a little laugh through the last of my tears. I tilt my head and shake it. "I’m sorry."

He put his hands up. "It's fine. I've got a cool bullet hole scar, now so, I'm totally cool with that." He points to wear I shot him.

I laugh. "River. I didn't want to unload all that on you. I don't talk about it much, but since Karver's in custody, I felt like I could let go. I didn’t mean for it to be you, but I'm kind of glad it was." I put my elbow on the back of the swing and rested my head on my hand.

He grabs my other hand. It feels comfortable in his. "I'm glad you told me. I like you, Anna. I would like to think that you could tell me anything. I took a bullet and you didn't kill me, so to say I trust you is an understatement." He chuckles. "I hope you can trust me."

I look him over and press my lips together as I pull my blanket off and put my feet in the floor. “I could use a drink.” I point to him. “You want to come in for one?”

A cute smile pulls at his lips. “I'd like that.”

I almost feel my cheeks heat as his gentle words hit my ears.

I get up and lead him into the house.

I don’t know what River is, but he certainly is something.