Chapter 41

HAYLEY

The past week has been a tough one. I never knew how hard it was to watch someone you love in pain. It leaves you feeling helpless, powerless. I can see it eating away at him.

He can’t seem to stop blaming himself for his father’s death. He believes he could have done more. But he was just a kid. He could barely protect himself, let alone his dad.

He was lucky to escape with his life. Jax doesn’t want to blame Mason because he thinks it will upset me, but I’d rather he blame my father if it means he’ll stop torturing himself over something that wasn’t his fault.

***

~One week ago~

Jax had just stormed out of his office after learning that my dad was the reason his dad was dead. I know he doesn’t blame me; he’s trying not to take his anger out on me.

I hear Aaron’s cry before Jax closes the matebond, blocking out the feelings of my packmates.

My father didn’t just hurt me, he also hurt the man I love. I want to be there for Jax, but I know he needs to be alone right now, and I can’t take that personally.

Remembering Dimitri is still on the phone, I pull myself together and clear my throat.

“Sorry about that…”

“Don’t apologize. I didn’t expect him to react any differently. I know it hurts now, but I hope it will help him in the long run,” Dimitri says, sounding sad.

“There’s more. I’m sending some videos that could be used to convict Billy, but it’s up to you if you want them shown as evidence.” His voice is hesitant, and it only makes me more anxious.

Watching myself get raped and beaten from a different perspective was surreal. Seeing myself struggle and cry for help, but this time as a bystander, not the victim.

Instead of crying like I would have in the past, I just sat there, expressionless.

I can’t change the past, but I can change the future. I don’t want to dwell on the bad things I’ve been through, because then they win.

But I know there will be times when I break down because it feels like too much, and that’s okay too.

After watching the video for a few minutes, I close the laptop and tell Dimitri, “They can be used. If it means Billy gets what he deserves, then I’m okay with them being shown. All of them, if necessary.”

***

I glance at the clock. It’s 1:34 a.m., and Jax still isn’t home. I’ve bitten most of my nails off; my nerves are shot. I’m worried he’s hurt himself. What if he ran into some rogues, and they—

No, I can’t think like that. He’s probably just blowing off steam with a long run.

I’m starting to think Jax won’t come home tonight, but then I hear the front door open. I let out a sigh of relief. I’m not sure if I should go downstairs or stay here so he can come to me—if he even wants to.

He might not want anything to do with me. I decide to stay in bed, my legs bouncing up and down as I hear Jax’s footsteps on the stairs. He reaches the door and pauses for a few seconds before opening it.

He stands there naked, tears streaming down his face. Broken. That’s the only word for how he looks. So vulnerable, so fragile. His shoulders slump as sobs shake his body.

He doesn’t look like an alpha anymore. He looks like an older version of the boy who watched his dad being torn apart in front of him.

“Come here,” I whisper, tears welling in my eyes at the sight of him. Jax slowly walks into my outstretched arms. I meet him halfway, and the most heartbreaking sounds escape his lips.

I can feel his heart breaking as he relives the painful memories. Jax has his own demons, and he tries to keep them locked away, but there comes a point when he can’t hold it in any longer and he just falls apart.

“I’ve got you. I’ve always got you,” I whisper as my mate cries in my arms.

***

~Present~

Snapping back to the present, I wipe my eyes with my hands, tears streaming down my face as I remember my mate in such a fragile state.

Jax has stood by me, protected me from so much in this cruel world, and now it’s my turn to do the same for him.

I can see how much pain he still carries from his father’s death; it hurts even more knowing that my father caused him that pain. But I can’t be selfish. This is about Jax, not me.

All I can do is support my mate during this tough time, like he has done for me. Jax has always been in my heart, I just didn’t realize it. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I can’t keep trying to ruin it.

Now it’s my turn to give back to him.

I love Jax with all of me, and I want to show him how strong my feelings are. I’ve been closed off from him, but only because I’m scared he won’t love my broken side. But the thing is, I’m not scared anymore.

This is my Jax we’re talking about. He’s never made me feel unworthy or unloved, and I don’t believe he ever will.

I’m not doing this because I think it will make him feel better. I’m doing this because I’m ready. I’m in a place where I can show my mate all of me, the good and the bad.

Jax has always said he’ll love me no matter what, including my damaged side, and it’s time I start believing him. I don’t have to do everything alone anymore. I can lean on the man I love, just as he can lean on me.

I need to do this while I’m still myself, not some wild woman in the throes of her heat. I gaze at my own reflection, playing out all the possible scenarios in my head. What if he turns me down? What if he doesn’t want to claim me as his mate?

Enough.

I can’t hold off any longer. I won’t—if Jax is ready, that is. It’s a two-way street. He’s been patient with me, so I’ll return the favor if he’s not ready just yet.

I give my hair one last touch-up, take a final look at myself, and draw in a deep breath in an attempt to steady my nerves.

Unlike the nervous jitters I used to get with Luke, it feels like a swarm of tiny butterflies are doing somersaults in my stomach, but in a strangely pleasant way.

With my heart pounding and my palms slick with sweat, I swing the door open. Jax is perched at the foot of the bed, his elbows propped on his knees.

His head is lowered, but at the sound of the door opening, he lifts his eyes to meet mine, and I just know everything’s going to be alright…