A Y E S H A : -
Keeping the glass back down on the table, I wiped my mouth with the back of hand and removed my hijab freeing my hair and sag back on the couch.
The weather today is really gloomy, it is raining but it doesn't feels like the peaceful calm rain it rather looks like the dark, gloomy where your gut tightens with anxiety, your brain forming hundred thoughts of something bad might happen.
That exactly what happened when I was driving back home and looking at the dark clouds, my stomach lurching with an unknown uneasiness.
Seeing as we both weren't in the house for lunch, both the house helps have finished their work and went back to their quarters. So I startled when I heard the main door opening.
I sat up straighter in my seat when I heard the sound of footsteps approaching the living room,
I have already decided I am going to say Farhan everything about my past and leave no misunderstanding behind, when he finally entered the living room, seeing his state my gut formed in a ball of anxiety.
His hair was wet as if he stayed in rain, his tie which he wore in the morning was no longer on his neck, the sleeves of his shirt was folded up till his elbows and the top buttons of his shirt open, He dropped his jacket on the couch opposite to which I am seated, and leaned against it.
"Farhan?" I called out, unsurely.
His eyes snapped up from my voice and I was taken aback noticing the redness around them,
"Are you okay?" I got up from my seat and walked towards him,
He said nothing and just stared me, his eyes looked so void right now, so calm. The one before the storm.
I looked away, afraid he might read my mind from his intense stare, "You don't look so good, go change your clothes they all are wet, I will make some coffee for you." Maybe after coffee I will tell him.
I turned around walking towards the kitchen when I halted my steps as he asked,
"How did your outing go?"
Looking over my shoulder, I saw him staring at me more intensely than ever before, "The one with your friends." His voice was full of feign humour.
I turned fully towards him and picked the skin around my nails, my fingertips turning cold,
"G-good."
"Just good?" His mouth tips down,
I opened and closed my mouth having no answer, "Why are you speaking like that?"
"Like what?" He stands to his full height and takes slow predatory steps towards me,
"Like-like you want to-to intimidate me." I stutter seeing him stalking closer to me,
"Oh." He scoffs, "You think?" He stops in-front of me.
"Then what are you doing?" I ask taking a step back.
"You tell me what should I do," another step closer, I halted when the back of legs hit the couch.
My heart started thumping wildly as he stepped more in my personal space, he picked up a loose strand of my hair and dragged his finger down from my face to arm,
"Reckon, should I do something like this?" His fingers reached my wrist and grabbed it bringing my hand closer to his chest.
"Or like this?" He started caressing my knuckles, staring deeply in my eyes making me shiver.
"stop." I whispered,
"Hm? No? Or maybe you liked when he does this?" Then he brings my knuckles to lips and gives it a kiss, if it might be another moment I would've blushed but now it only gave me discomfort.
"Farhan, please." I whispered feeling my eyes well up,
"Please what?" He snapped making me flinch,
"Please what Ayesha? Huh? Please don't do what my lover does to me?"
I felt the blood drain from my face as I stared him in shock, "What?"
He chuckled bitterly, "Of course, now she is unaware."
"What are you talking about?" I ask in disbelief,
"Don't." He points his index finger at me, "Don't you start acting innocent, because I know."
"You know what?" I spurred.
His eyes rimmed with anger snap back at me,
"Your affair." He spits,
"My w-what?" I stutter.
"Oh please." He snaps, "Stop your dramas."
"I am not doing any dramas, Farhan." I snap back.
"Yeah you are not?" He scoffs, "then what was that you did today? Huh? You lied to me."
I avert my eyes away from him but before I could say anything he cuts me off, "You lied to me, you fucking lied to me." He snarls.
"I-I did." I felt my lips quiver, "But let me explain everything-"
"Explain what?" He shouts, tears formed in my eyes, "that you didn't went to meet another man behind your husband's back, and fucking lied to him!"
"Please let me explain," I tried to grab him arm but he moved away from my touch.
"What are you going to explain? Huh?"
I wiped the tears from my cheek, "it's not what you think. He called me-"
"Oh! So he has been calling you too." He claps,
"What are you explaining here?"
"Just listen to me!" I sob, "He was trying to call me for so long but I blocked him, but today he called at landline and threatened me pick up his call."
"I didn't wanted him to create any scene here, so I then picked his calls." Anger coerced in my veins when he scoffed in disbelief.
"I am not lying here, Farhan." I snap.
He folds his hands behind his back and stalks closer to me, "Fine, you are not. Then why did you went to meet him."
"To warn him to back away from my life, everything was over he had no rights to-"Â I clamp my mouth shut when I realised what I just said.
"And what is your 'everything', pray tell." His eye twitches,
I gulped looking away, I should have told him before, now whatever I say will testify his accusation.
He steps back, "See," his voice was thick now, "Lie. Open lie."
"Farhan please, it sounds wrong but-" I felt short on my words,
"But? but it is true that you are a lier, and you have an affair."
"No I don't." I shout frustrated, "I don't." I sobbed.
"You could've told me before." He whispers,
"I would've saved both of us from this torture. You from separating from your lover and me from-" his hand lands on his chest as he exhale slowly.
"I don't have an affair, not with him not with anyone." I cry out helplessly.
"Stop. Stop explaining. You can have whatever with your lover or any other men,"
My chest tightened at his accusation and I stare him in shock.
"But remember one thing," he warns, "my mom brought you here because she thought you are suitable for this house and me, so for her sake, keep the respect of my name."
"I. Am. Keeping the respect of your name, you have no right to accuse me with such disgusting remarks." I push him away angrily.
"You are questioning my character, when you only assume things on your own."
"So you are saying you went to meet him because you had no connection with him in the past?"
I heave in frustration clutching my forehead,
"You aren't even denying it. I saw both you in the restaurant and imagine my shock seeing my wife sitting there and chatting with a man." He scoffs turning away,
"Tell me one thing," he turns back, "If you both loved each other so much then why did you agreed to marry me? Lover boy dumped you, and want you back? And now your old love has awakened and you want to go back huh?" He heaves a bitter laugh.
I shook my head, "You don't know what I had to go through Farhan, you don't know a single thing. So stop with your accusations."
"So that's the reason you used to cry secretly at nights?" He continues, I gape at him in shock, "Used to miss him? That's why you cry? If so then why did you gave me that lecture of relationships and shit when you aren't even loyal."
"Stop. Right. Here." I warn him, "You have said enough, you don't know anything and I don't owe you an explanation. You are good assuming on your own. So keep doing it."
Gone was my plan to explain him, I don't want to explain to a man who keeps accusing me, call it my ego but I am not explaining shit to him. He is my husband but I don't owe him anything.
I grabbed my purse and hijab from the couch and moved past him, and climbed up the stairs to my room.
Slamming the door shut, my knees gave out and I slide against the door.
I clutch my chest as a sob breaks out, my insides feel like it's on fire, from the pain, from the hurt. All of it which I brought upon myself.
I flinch as I hear a crashing sound from downstairs and the sound of the main door slamming hard.
Getting up from the ground I jog towards the balcony, and see Farhan's car leaving again from the gate.
I am hit with an déjà vu feel from this morning, it was same, yet it feels so far. And it all happened because of my irrational life decisions.
Unknowingly my gaze swept towards the hyacinths on the corner, and cry looking at them, there is no new start, and from now I don't think it will ever be, because of his egotistical logics and my irrational decisions.
If only I haven't felt for Danish's charms in my teenage years, and focused on myself, it wouldn't have lead me here. People say true, haram relationships leads you nowhere except of pain and humiliation.
And now I have to live with it.
***
Julia placed my breakfast on the table and I thank her, taking my seat.
My eyes stay glued to my plate when he sits down on the chair opposite to me, answering a phone call.
Julia places his breakfast in front of him, which consists of only two multigrain toasts, and a black coffee. He eats very light in morning and I think he was in a haste today, so he just picked his black coffee and got up from the table.
I was about to call him out, but he swiftly ignored my presence and walked out of the dining room.
Julia passed me a small smile as she served me my tea and walked away with a sympathetic glance towards me.
I sipped my tea already loosing my appetite. It's been nine days since that accident and nothing has been same, we barely talk. Heck we barely look at each other.
Both the house helps, Julia and her aunt meryem has witnessed our distance towards each other, and each time I try to act like everything is normal but when Farhan ignores me in front of them, nothing is left to hide in hindsight.
"Ayesha madam, you said your phone is not working right? I asked Jameel, Sir Farhan's driver, and he said he could get it repaired for you." Julia says passing me a plate of sliced apples.
"Won't be Jameel gone with Farhan?" I ask taking a slice of apple.
"Sir Farhan drives to office by himself, occasionally he asks Jameel, majority of the time, Jameel is here in the house running errands."
"Oh okay, I will give him my phone." I got up from my seat. "Thank you for the breakfast, Julia."
She smiles at me and I thank meryem aunty too, going upstairs I retrieve my phone which I accidentally dropped from the balcony yesterday. The whole screen is cracked and it isn't switching on, so I told this to Julia and she offered to find someone to repair it.
After handing my beat up Mobile to Jameel for repair, who said it will be back by tomorrow, thanking him I retreated back to my room.
I had nothing to do these days, so I decided to resume my study, It's already November and I have missed my mids, eventually my whole semester has gone flop, so if I were to join I have to join from the next semester, one semester back from my batchmates.
If in this world I am desperate for thing, it is my degree. It is the only thing I choose for myself, the only thing I did for myself, and I am not risking it for anything. My principal gave me a golden chance from not ruining my passion and I am really grateful for that.
After a knock, Julia opened my room's door,
"There is a call for you ma'am."
Closing my Pharmacognosy textbook I nodded at her and went downstairs, I was actually thankful my phone broke, because I had no mood for socialising and Danish left a phone trauma on my mind.
Picking up the landline, I tried to Shake off the déjà vu feel and was surprised and relieved to see it was Farhan calling me, before the call declined I picked it up,
"Hello?" I asked.
"Why were you not picking up?" There is no hi hello culture left I think.
"My phone broke."
"When?"
I control rolling my eyes, my phone fell from the balcony next to his feet where he was having an online meeting in the back garden. He glanced it for a solid two seconds and resumed his meeting. Either he has his priorities right or he has a short memory like his grandmother.
"Oh, okay, anyway I called you to say that my client has arranged a dinner today and told me to bring you too. So be ready by six."
And before I could protest he hung up.
"Could've given me a chance to decline." I mumble to no one on the phone before placing it back on it's stand.
Going back to my room, I closed my textbooks and notes and placed it back before raiding my closet to find a suitable dress for dinner.
I showed Julia two dresses, one an indo-western type gown which was in my wedding trousseau and another dress which I brought from a boutique near my house, it was an red ankle length dress with puff sleeves which had cuffs on the wrists, Julia suggested this one as it was appropriate for a dinner with Mr. siddque's clients, and red suited me, her words not mine.
She also helped me find a matching hijab to go with the outfit, after helping me Julia went downstairs and made some tuna sandwiches for me as I was not in a mood for a proper lunch and no one would be here for dinner so I told her to not prepare anything.
By five thirty, I was all ready and was slipping my foot in my heels, when meryem aunty entered after knocked on my room door,
She gave me a big smile and placed her hands on her cheeks, "Masha'Allah Kizim, you look so pretty." She gushed making me smile.
"TeÅekkürler." I thanked her after she recited ayatul kursi and blew on me. I grabbed my purse and coat and exited my room with her.
Walking downstairs with her I found Julia standing near the staircase, sighting me Julia's eyes widened and she started gushing over me.
"Okay you two." I laugh at them, they were praising as I were a queen or something, I was and never will be used to praising it somehow always embarrassed me.
"It's almost six, Farhan would here anytime, Julia you can go back to quarters, and ask Jameel to go too." I say to Julia sitting beside meryem aunty on the couch.
"It's fine, I can stay with you until Sir arrives-"
I cut her off, "No no I am fine, besides I have meryem aunty here with me and don't you have your exams in two days?" I raise an eyebrow at her.
"I do," she nodded looking at her feet, "But it's fine I can study at night and-"
"Julide I said I will alright, and you are going back to your room and study for your exams so you can ace your degree, do you understand?" I say using her full name. When Julia told me few days back that she is pursuing her final year in bachelors of rural studies I was more than impressed and prodded her to concentrate on her studies and take a few days holidays. But she was adamant that she Is going to work and study together, and now that her exams are approaching, I always make her go back to quarters early or reduce her work completely, meryem aunty is also determined to help Julia complete her studies so she does her work so she can study.
She closes and opens her mouth like a fish, when she sees mine and meryem aunty's determined expressions she reluctantly nods and goes to retrieve her coat, she suddenly spins around and says,
"Okay, but atleast let Jameel stay here with you till you are gone."
I sigh, "Deal."
Fifteen minutes later, after Julia left, meryem aunty was telling me a story of her neighbour talaz, who cheated on his wife and got married to her sister, I was quite fascinated by her stories until I realised it was past six and Farhan wasn't here.
"One minute aunty, let me ask Farhan where is he." She nods in understanding and I grab the landline and dialled Farhan's number, which went to straight voicemail.
I left him a voicemail saying I was ready and waiting for him.
"Okay then what did talaz did after he found out his wife also cheated with his brother." I ask turning towards meryem aunty who clapped her hands and resumed her story.
Another fifteen in, my leg started bouncing as I waited for Farhan's call.
He might be struck in traffic, it's Wednesday and rush hour, no worries. Although I thought if it's a week day then why this said dinner is today? Should've been on weekend? Maybe business dinners takes place like this only? Who knows.
Shaking my thoughts I stopped thinking about my husband and got so engrossed in meryem aunty's stories, and the next time I looked at the clock, it's been forty five minutes. Either I am waiting too much or time is going so slow today.
Ten minutes later meryem aunty noticed the time and said, "Kizim, call him."
I nodded biting my lip and dial his number which he obviously didn't pick up.
"He is not picking up." I say calling him again.
"He is never late, Kizim." Meryem aunty frowned.
We both startled at the sound of thunder booming in sky and the few seconds later, the sound of water hitting the ground was heard.
"Oh Allah, it's raining, let me close all the kitchen windows." Meryem aunty trudged towards the kitchen.
I got up from the couch and neared the large French windows near the living room, it was raining. I tried calling Farhan again but it straight went to voicemail. I never really missed my phone so much.
"Should I call his office?" I ask aunty meryem after she returned and she nodded her head immediately.
Finding his office number from the landline's call log, I dial on my phone and ask the receptionist about Farhan.
"Sir Farhan has already left the office, ma'am."
"Can you tell me when did he left?" I ask.
"About thirty minutes ago ma'am. He must be on his way."
"Thirty minutes? Wasn't his clients dinner scheduled for six?" I look at the clock above the television.
"Dinner? I have no idea about that ma'am, Sir Farhan's secretary mr. tahir might know, hold on a second ma'am, I will connect you to him."
I picked up the skin around my nails as the music played on the line and few minutes later a male voice answered,
"Good evening Mrs. Siddque, how may I help you?"
"Um good evening, Mr. tahir, Can you tell me about Farhan's clients dinner which was scheduled for today?"
"Clients dinner? Ma'am as far as I know, Sir Farhan's doesn't have any such dinners scheduled for today."
I frown, an unsettling feeling knotting my gut.
"Oh. My bad, Did Farhan left?"
"Yes ma'am, about half and hour ago."Â My eyes settled on the heavy rain falling on the porch steps.
"Oh, Okay, Thank you Mr. Tahir."
"Can I do something for you ma'am?" He asks.
"Just try to contact him and check me on it." He muttered an alright ma'am and I hung up.
It's been an hour and forty five minutes now. It was getting late so I asked Jameel to drop aunty meryem back to quarters. She was reluctant to leave so I had to lie to her saying Farhan is on his way, hearing that she agreed and left with Jameel.
I started pacing around the living room, fumbling with the ends of my hijab. All bad thoughts were settling in my mind. Did he got struck in rain? Did his car toppled over and he ended in a hospital- no no stop.
Our differences aside, I still cannot fathom my husband being hurt.
I tried calling him again. And thought of any of his acquaintances I knew who would know his whereabouts.
No one. I knew no one. Oh Allah keep him safe.
It's been two hours and thirty minutes. Still no traces of Farhan.
Jameel returned back after dropping aunty meryem, so I took an umbrella and went to the booth near the gate, where he is most of the times.
"Jameel, do you know any Farhan's friends number?" I asked barging inside the booth.
He abruptly stood up from his seat along with an other guard.
"Madam?" He spurted in disbelief.
"Sorry for barging, but do you?" I ask impatiently, Jameel nodded and immediately scrolled down in his phone and dial a number.
"Here, madam this is Sir Bilal, Sir Farhan's friend, he might know about him." He gave me his phone, showing me the contact which read
"Bilal khawar"
"Thank you." I say already dialling the number, Jameel took the umbrella from me and helped me walk back to the porch entrance.
Giving him a nod I went inside the house, Farhan's didn't picked up first, cursing silently I dialled for the third time and he picked up.
"Hello? Who's this?" A male voice asked.
"Hello um Assalamualaikum, I am Ayesha, Farhan's wife."
"Bhabhi?" He asked almost disbelievingly.
"Um Walaikumaslam."
"Um yeah, sorry for disturbing Bilal bhai, But do you have any idea where Farhan is?" I bit my lip,
"Farhan...um Farhan is not at home?" He asks wording each word carefully.
Clearly not.
"No he isn't, he told he would be here by six, it's been almost three hours and he isn't picking up my phone." I tapped my leg on the floor as I felt my eyes tearing up.
"Oh." That's all he said.
"So do you know where is he?" I bit out impatiently.
"Um no I don't." I wanted to bang my head on the wall, why is Farhan's friend like him.
I heaved an disappointed breath, "Fine."
Before I could hung up he said suddenly,
"I will try to locate him and update you don't worry." I was taken aback by his sudden determination, saying a thank you, I slumped down on the couch loosening my hijab.
I wiped the traitorous tears and clutched my head in my hands. I hope he is okay. He better be.
Jameel's phone rang few minutes later, my heart lurched thinking it is Farhan, but it was an Bilal, with whom I just talked five minutes ago, I picked up the number without any second thoughts.
"Bhabhi, I contacted Farhan, he actually got struck in a traffic, and had to stop driving for a while because of the weather."
A relief breath left me, "Shukar Allah, he is Okay right?"
"Yes, he is okay, very much. He is on his way. Don't worry bhabhi." He said before hanging up.
Crying in relief, I prayed thanking Allah, and slumped back on the couch.
Fifteen minutes later, a car honk resonated above the sound of rain hitting the ground, picking up my coat I walk towards the porch to see a familiar black Range Rover standing near the porch steps. The light above the gates reflected on the face of person behind the wheel.
Farhan. Who gestured me to get to the car.
Jameel came by my side with an umbrella in his hand, I handed Jameel his phone and thanked him before walking towards the car my were eyes fixated on only one person.
Jameel closed the car door after I sat, and looked at my husband.
"I think you are a little late." I say glaring at him.
"A little." He nods driving from the porch.
He drives the car from the gate and turns right towards the main road.
Rain was still hitting the windshield, relatively lot less than the last hour,
"Where are we going now? Late dinner?" I asked not moving my eyes away from him.
"That dinner got cancelled." He said looking ahead at the road.
"Oh," I feign disappointment. "Of course, a non existent 'Client dinner' would definitely get cancelled."
He swiftly turned his eyes at me, "Don't act smart."
"Three hours. Three hours Farhan. You made me wait three hours for nothing? What kind of pathetic revenge is that?" I burst out hitting my hand on the dashboard.
"You got know where I was right?"
"I got to know after I was left worrying for you, thinking you might got into an accident! I called you for fifty times! And you didn't bother replying to me. I had to call your office and your friend for your whereabouts. You owe me an explanation." I lash out him angrily.
"I don't." He said stopping the car somewhere and unbuckling his seatbelt. "And I don't take revenge. I payback." He said nodding towards my right.
Looking at my right I was shocked to see we were parked near my house gate. Why are we here?
Farhan came by my side holding an umbrella and grabbed my hand taking me out of the car, I stumbled on my heels and grabbed his arm.
Managing to dodge the rain we stopped in front of the door which was immediately opened by a frantic Murat and my mom who quickly ushered us inside the house.
Still confused I removed my heels and coat and followed my mom to the living room.
I was shocked again to see few of my relatives seated in the drawing room and the dining table was packed with all the food.
"Mom you where having a gathering?" I whisper asked her.
My mom gave me a incredulous look, "Yes Ayesha, and you are one hour late."
What? When did she invited me?
Before I could ask her, Farhan entered the drawing room greeting my father, who I noticed now was glaring at me.
"Sorry Mamu, we where late. Actually we both were invited to my clients dinner. I wanted to come here early, as you invited me. But Ayesha over here," he gestured to me and I raise an eyebrow,
"Started chatting with ladies over there, so we got late. I apologise to everyone." He gave everyone an apologetic smile while I looked at him in shock.
What is he on earth bluffing about? Why was he making me a victim?
Farhan snapped his eyes at me, "Ayesha, come over here and apologise to your father, come on now." He grabbed my hand and made me at stand in front of my father.
I glared at him and he clicked his tongue,
"Go on."
Looking at my baba, I winced slightly when Farhan applied pressure to my wrist.
"I apologise baba. It was my fault."
Baba looked at me with his steel eyes, analysing me and gave a nod, "Now that the people we were waiting are here, let's get the dinner started." He got up from his seat and gestured our guests to follow him to the dining table. Passing everyone a smile, I greeted them until everyone left the drawing room.
Before Farhan could leave, I grabbed his arm.
"You do realise, this was really pathetic and childish of you to do." I was barely hanging on a thin thread of patience.
He gave a smirk, "Told you I only payback. You humiliated me," he grabbed my hand and dropped it from his arm, "I humiliated you."
And then he left me standing there, alone.
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A/N:-
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