48

Monday.

Reaching home, I desperately sought the consolation of my own room, the sole place shielding me from any scrutiny.

I bolted it shut, making sure none of my family discovered the constant streams of tears mixed with foundation and mascara, my absolute mess of hair and clothes, and hearing the racks of sobs I couldn't stop gasping out.

Never once have I stepped out of my room, let alone budged from my bed. I sprawled myself out, the duvet barely protecting my helpless limbs against the biting air. It was not like I was shivering; numbness had spread all over my nerves, nulling the intensity of its sharp teeth grazing upon my skin. Moreover, the ceiling was a movie I couldn't put down—my swollen, sore eyes gazed upon it for hours to no end, even as the sun gradually diffused through my curtains, its rays caressing me.

However, not even the joyful chorus of birds outside and the lukewarm weather would bring Adelynn Whiteside back to life.

Every time I started slipping into slumber and forgetting everything that happened, flashbacks of Lynn never stopped haunting me. All my brain conjured right now was the time I first met her at the basketball team's table, where I barely recognized her due to her hairstyle. All the conversations we ever had, especially in the gazebo by the park, replayed in my head several times, now distant and unreaching.

The clock struck exactly 7:30—the time where I should have been getting myself ready, but school... was the last thing on my list right now. Flipping to the side, my empty stomach rioted against my non-existent appetite, but even if I pushed myself to eat some food, my body would just end up expelling them out. What's the point? I'd just rather save myself from that.

Mom had been checking me by the door though, offering me homemade Shepherd's pie, Dad's classic recipe. She told me both he and Jordan were worried sick and that they wanted to see me, but why would I step out of here looking like total shit? They would also pester me—especially my annoying brother—with so many questions that I would rather ignore. Even my stomach's protests wouldn't make me change my opinion.

And no matter what I did to escape from reality, images of Lynn pursued after me. Everything that I had contemplated about, whether it was my hobbies, my schoolwork, my dreams, my future, somehow they morphed into something related to her and her gentle smile she had casted upon me. And then, my cheeks were once again moistened with cold tears, regardless of whether I have washed them off.

Lynn... why...?

I flashed my phone on and hovered over my message board, devoid of new texts until I stopped upon Aly's message board. My best friend's wrath still loomed on me—her haunting screams at me for being silent, being useless,unable to bestow the comfort she needed. For being... uncaring.

Why didn't I speak up? Why did I, instead, yell at her? I shouldn't have done that. I should have kept things under control. I should have snapped out of it. I should be like Lynn... maintaining composure and facing the problem forward, but of course, the Rena I knew chose to run away.

I furiously shook my head and finally for the first time since yesterday, I slowly hauled myself into a sitting position, my bangs falling back onto my forehead. Even if burying myself in here assured me safety and support, away from any people, it still wouldn't do anything. I would just cry again and again as my thoughts struck myself, exhausting my energy... at least fragments of it. Besides, my tear ducts were beyond dehydrated.

I needed a distraction.

Something that would keep me occupied. Something that would not make my thoughts completely filled with yesterday's events. Something that would at least... put Lynn out of the picture for some time. I couldn't even get a wink of sleep anyway, despite how heavy my eyes were right now.

I pushed myself more than usual to get out of bed. Albeit wobbling as my stiff muscles were forced to comply with my commands, I stumbled towards my closet. Opening the door without care, I pulled out my school's blazer and black checkered skirt, gripping on them.

Never knew I could be this desperate to head to school—gone were those days where being late for classes and being dumped with assignments were my only concerns. Maybe all of that useless homeworks was important after all.

Showered and fully dressed, I took a deep breath before unlocking and pulling the door open. However, much to my pure luck, my brother had to be the first person I had to run into. He was conveniently stepping out of his room, wrapping his headphones around his neck as he brushed his hair. Out of everyone, why must it be him?

I didn't even have the power to greet, let alone bicker with this guy like we always did. Clenching on my backpack straps, I sighed and walked past him, ignoring his boring gaze.

"...You look like shit," he commented—as expected of him, his footsteps sounding from behind as he tried matching with my pace.

"Thanks. Wouldn't have known." I grumbled, my voice guttural, but not that I was bothered by it. My strides lengthened, trying to cut off further interactions, but all I did was make him stalk me as we trudged down the stairs.

"You going to school in that kind of state? I would stay home if I were you."

It was best not to engage with his unprompted suggestions, so I didn't acknowledge him and carried on as if he wasn't there. Increasing my pace, I headed to the kitchen and snatched an apple from the basket, perhaps that could shut my stomach up albeit my imaginary craving.

Crunching on the fruit, its pungent taste assaulted my buds rather than being embraced in its sugary sweetness. Nausea instantly slithered in, tempting me to retch, but I forced myself to swallow it, leaving the trail of bitterness on the back of my tongue. I still have to snack on something, otherwise rather than concentrating in classes... she would just come up again.

"Rena," Mom appeared from the kitchen. "How... are you feeling?"

"Like crap," I grumbled, quaffing on a glass of water until its last drop, rinsing the acidic remains stuck in my teeth. She didn't say anything else, much to my relief, despite the overwhelming concern pooling in her eyes.

Jordan then turned on the TV, to which he switched into the local news channel. The reporter was in position, momentarily glancing at the papers she had been grasping, before she handed to the person behind the camera and peered up.

"Yes, thank you Martha. Last afternoon, a building collapse occurred in the construction site of a small hotel near the busy Goodwill Boulevard." The reporter stepped aside, allowing the camera to pan the remnants of concrete, but most of the clutters had been hoarded away. Some police still surrounded the site, directing the incoming traffic. "Authorities are still investigating the cause and manner of the accident. However, the accident has caused an unsuspecting victim, identified as 15-year old Adelynn Whiteside—"

Without hesitation, I snatched the remote from Jordan and punched some button, any button that could have cut off that monotone narration. The channel rapidly and thankfully flipped into some documentaries about animals, but not that they carried on watching, as all of their attention was completely zoomed in on me.

I pushed my hat down so that they couldn't see me entirely. Again, the memory of the rumbles and finding Lynn's phone amidst the ruins flashed into my blurry vision. Edward's vivid scream of terror was all I could hear ringing in my ears.

No, please no... I squeezed my eyes close and slapped the living hell out of my temples. Go away... please stop, I don't want to remember this...

"Rena? Hey Rena!"

Honestly, I was grateful someone snapped me out of my fierce battle against those stupid memories. However, I found myself facing Mom, while Jordan stood beside me, his brows furrowed, "Please... just rest at home if you're not feeling well. I'll let the school know, okay? Don't do this to yourself, honey. Your fr—"

"No. It's fine," I quickly cut her off before she could say anymore. "I'm okay, Mom. I'm still going. I just need... to distract myself. Staying here suffocates me..."

Jordan raised his hand. "Sis—"

"I'm fine, I'm fine, okay? No need to worry, I'm just... distraught..." I dismissed them, almost wanting to shout at them but this time, I restrained myself before muttering anything foolish, just like what I had done to my best friend. I took another bite of my apple, but I gagged; it was more revolting than ever.

My bite marks were present in all areas of the apple, but only a quarter was taken in, my body literally rejecting further intake. With the last chomp, I flung the leftovers to the garbage, rasping my goodbyes to Mom and Jordan before they could say anything else to stop me.

Hopping into my bicycle, I pedalled off to the streets, the morning breeze doing anything but alleviating me.

***

Coming to school was such a horrendous idea that I abhorred myself for simply pondering about it.

"Did you hear, someone from our class died!"

"She was killed in a freak accident."

"Her name's Adelynn, is it?"

"She died so young, I feel so bad for her family."

"Isn't she on the girls' basketball team? The tall one!"

"She was dating someone named Edward!"

Everyone was practically discussing Lynn like she was a trending topic in social media, as though she finally became someone pertinent to their lives. Those obnoxious, nonsense gossips ruthlessly traversed throughout the hallways, the classrooms, restrooms, everywhere... no matter how much I blocked them off. Not to mention, the teachers were participating too, particularly Mrs. Summers and Ms. Hayden when I passed by them.

It was inevitable at this point; I couldn't escape from it. Reality was effortlessly giving me a beatdown, constantly haunting me with reminders that Lynn was no longer accompanying us, no longer physically present. She was, indeed, gone, and there was no way we could change it.

I really tried my hardest to maintain minimal contact throughout classes, although at every attention I sensed, my ribs tightened up, my stomach convulsed into a thousand knots, threatening to spill out the contents of the apple. My notebooks and worksheets were my savior, blocking out the whispers erupting around me. I have to act normal... act like I'm just going on my day.

Not once I caught a sign of Aly, Edward or Seb, because... obviously, why was I hoping for them to show up like nothing happened? They knew what they were doing, because they cared and weren't as selfish.

Why... am I doing this to myself? I was shocked my palms weren't bleeding from my nails forcefully digging into them. I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have... This just proves how Aly... was right about me.

When lunch time had hordes of students madly dashing out of the doors, I beelined straight for my locker, feeling my body bumping into people along the way. However, I had to make sure I was not standing out—I was simply a random student nobody would notice. Surely it was an easy task—

"Yo, hey, aren't you one of Adelynn Whiteside's close friends?"

My fingers went dead cold, stopping them from opening my padlock, while all the tiny hairs in the back of my neck erected. Glancing from my peripheral vision, three girls have manifested beside me, curiosity having gotten the best of them.

And here I thought I was the least of these students' worries.

Swallowing the huge lump in my throat, sealing my mouth shut was the proper choice. Narrowing my eyes, I continued tidying up my locker, the door acting as a safeguard from their penetrating gazes. Just ignore them, Rena. Not worth your energy or time to be wasted on.

"You must be, I saw you with her all the time!" The girl I have never even seen or interacted with once in my life pressed on, demanding all answers. "How did she die? You were with her at the time, no?"

"You should have known all the details! Everyone's like talking bullshit with no proof, and who else to ask other than her friends?"

"Is it true Adelynn is hooking up with two guys from the basketball team? God, it must have been bad for all of them, man."

Stop.

Stop acting like you are all her friends and personally know her when you probably learned of her existence three minutes ago.

Just shut up already...

"What?! I thought Adelynn was with Sebastian, right?!"

I still said nothing. I shoved all of my books inside, but those loud thuds that caused me to flinch never once cut them off from spitting out these disgusting rumors.

"No, no, it's the blond emo guy! The one who got suspended for punching his teammate! Apparently the teammate also liked Adelynn, and they fought because of her!"

"Oh ew, that's pathetic... Adelynn must have been so lenient on them—"

I found myself slamming my locker shut, and that finally distracted these people who knew absolutely nothing of Lynn. Adjacent lockers trembled with might, making some students jolt, and that was when my heart lurched at the sudden jump in pressure upon my body.

One by one, all attention shot towards me like lasers, locking me as their target.

What did I just do?

I've let my emotions get the best of me again...

"The fuck is wrong with you?" I winced at the curt words of a student who was just finishing up putting their books. Almost immediately my attention scattered all over the place, glancing everywhere but not the people around. Murmuring an apology was no longer an option, as almost everyone... started gathering around me.

Then all kinds of comments rained upon me like bullets.

"Wait, wait, this girl knows Adelynn?!"

"Oh my god, you know something?!"

"You're there during her death?!"

With my breaths teetering and sharp, I stepped back, my shrivelling spine bumping against the wall. As always, I fucked things up, every single time, no matter how careful I was. Always... always...

I didn't know what to do or say—every single part of my body collectively lost sensation. My mind collapsed into a thousand pieces, my brain short-circuited from all the thoughts ramming in at once, knocking all common sense and logic out of the window. I need to get out of here. I need to go, before...

"I can't hear ya!! Can't get full answers when you just s-s-s-stutter all the t-t-time!!"

"C-C-Come on, ya f-f-freak, say it louder!"

"Talk to us, we are your friends, can't you see?!"

All of those distant scoffs... the ones that I had been trying to shut out, erase and suppress out of my memories, ended up resurfacing once more. Not only my chest throbbed harder than usual, but it also induced something to flow into my eyes. No, please... stop, stop—

"Wow, this is absolutely ridiculous. Out of the way, move!!!"

And that scream of a familiar voice, yanked out of my own suffocation, allowing me to inhale the fresh air back into my lungs.

I dared myself to look up, observing a girl sporting forest green hair popping out of the crowd, her high side ponytail swaying as she stormed in. Even as most of the people's heights towered over her, her dainty body was powerful enough to thrust some boys and the girls out of her path. With her arms on her waist, she stopped in front of me as her death glare drilled in towards everyone... anyone but me.

"Ganging up on someone because they know someone who passed away? Your lives must be so boring so y'all flock to the newest drama and spread all of that shit around." Florence barked, specifically at the girls who had cornered me. "God, you are the lowest of the low. Don't you at least know how to respect the grieving?"

I watched the awestruck looks engraved on almost every student's face.

"Finally you understand, huh? Now scram!!"

And they did.

They backed off without further interrogations, albeit with disappointment and aggressive grumbles of how bitchy she was. Waves of relief quickly crashed upon me and helped me regain control, straightening myself back to my feet, but I couldn't stop gawking at her.

Florence, the girl who I barely acknowledged, who had criticized the shit out of me and despised my guts for being such a naive woman... was defending me. What caused her to do it? Did someone tell her to?

"T-Thank you..." I murmured.

"Don't sweat it." She waved the back of her hand before she folded her arms. "It's common sense, something I find lacking with those idiots."

I hung my head and stared hard at the floor, wondering when it was going to collapse on me soon. Once again, I have to be saved from these kinds of situations, never did I take the initiative to stand up for my friends, let alone for myself. Did I have no shame?

Florence huffed as she whirled on her heels, walking past me. "Come, let's go to the library. Less hindrance there."

Huh? I was glued still to my position, blinking repeatedly—that invitation definitely came out of the blue. Why would she...

And before I knew it, she was already waiting in the distance, tapping her feet impatiently. Reluctance tried to restrain me, but it was not like I have much of a choice right now... so without second thoughts, I went after her. At least for now, I was with someone I knew, someone I could confide in.

Slithering through the library—I stiffened and stuck close to Florence as readers acknowledged our presence—we headed towards her desk, where I settled down on the chair across from hers.

She then flung in an object towards my direction, to which it landed perfectly on my cupped hands. It was melted chocolate bread contained in a plastic wrap, decorated with sprinkles on the top.

"It's my snack," Florence said. "Seems like you need it more."

"Oh... um, I'm fine," I rejected, placing the bread back on the table. All the fiasco had plummeted my appetite even further, not even my stomach was complaining anymore. "It's your food, anyway."

"Just keep it. Save it for later, lady." Florence folded her legs. "Don't worry about me. I can get more later."

"T-Thanks..."

I nodded not once, but twice as I stowed the pastry inside my bag. Then, my fingers fidgeted, fiddling with one of the buttons of my blazer as I simply watched her stacking her books up, placing all her pens back in her case. What should I talk to her about? Her interests were out of my radar, and I barely knew of her... if not from Seb.

I decided to open my mouth. "Um—"

"Sebby told me everything last night, of all that happened. It was... so devastating," Florence commenced before I could pronounce a syllable. She clasped her fingers together, the volume of her tone fainter than a page being flipped. "He sounded so disoriented, breaking apart, but Grumpy... he was shrieking and crying in the background, Serena. He had taken it worse, for the lack of a better word."

I perked up at this, and suddenly... all of the hollowness and stampede of emotions I have been harboring were minuscule. All of my insides heaved as I vividly remembered how he had screamed until his vocal chords gave up on him, how his usual deadpan look ruptured like a glass that could no longer sustain its contents.

"I never saw him acting so hysterically. It was... so surreal." Florence carried on. "Grumpy even thinks that Adelynn's still out here, and denies every single truth Sebby had told him."

"I... I understand how he feels," I commented. "It was... unbelievable."

Florence's piercing eyes softened—they never did that before, as she leaned back on her chair. "The school's been going crazy about Adelynn. It's like a hot topic." She then snorted and placed her hand on her cheek. "Suddenly they all care about her, praise her, acting as if they are heavily involved or something. I bet my entire house they never batted an eye on her when she was alive. So fucking annoying."

Never did I expect to be siding with Florence. I shifted both of my legs, biting my lips as hard as I could, as if drawing blood would do anything to help the boys.

"Well, so I'm gonna check up Sebby after school. He said he would be at Grumpy's house." Florence leaned forward. "You should come too."

"Huh?" I cocked my head, raising my brows.

"Check up on Grumpy too, lady... Goodness me, don't be so clueless." Florence groaned, shaking her head. "Not only you're his childhood friend, but... you like him, no? I've always liked Sebby as much too... I understand," she flipped on her ponytail. "So... let's go and be there for them. That's the best we can do right now."

Her sharp tongue initially collided against me like an oncoming truck, but the further I processed it, the more I realized... Florence was giving me a suggestion. It wasn't those words that had me questioning my existence, like the one back in that staircase, but an actual advice.

Florence was right.

I shouldn't be moping around.

I should do something, this was the perfect opportunity to show my friends... that I cared, otherwise what was the whole point of rekindling my friendship?

At times like these, friends needed to stick together. They would support each other, understand and share each other's feelings. They would be setting any differences aside, and they would solve incoming problems, one by one, little by a time... just like rebuilding back those bricks we have obliterated.

And with that, hope began to display its tiny petals.