CH 33

I also wonder what I really wanted, not just my appearance.

The answer came to me without much waiting.

I wanted the person I loved to love me back. I wanted to become someone who could love and cherish him from the bottom of my heart, and have the capacity to stand by his side. I wanted to be useful to him and become someone worthy of his love.

Where in the Bible does it Say to C...

That was what I wanted to become.

However, in reality, such a thing was just a dream. Knowing that, I decided to raise the white flag and live a moderately happy life. Above all, it was painful to put in effort and not receive anything in return.

But is effort something that should be done with the expectation of a reward?

It shouldn’t be.

Even if the effort put in is not rewarded, what is gained from the effort is not lost.

So, what is it that I want so desperately?

After touching my neck, I looked at Jeremiah’s hand that had moved away, then raised my gaze to look at his face. If his eyes, which were directed at Tatiana, were directed at me, I couldn’t help but think how ridiculous I was to think such grandiose thoughts. At the same time, I realized my own feelings.

(I see, I must have already…)

But I desperately convinced myself that it wasn’t true. However, I could hear the voice of my heart whispering that it was a lie.

There’s no way I’m suitable for him. I’m plain, unremarkable, and not beautiful. I’m not smart, and my heart isn’t particularly broad either.

Just being engaged to him is enough for me. That’s the extent of my capabilities.

However, my appearance, which I thought was unsuitable, was proven to be not as bad as I thought. I can’t compare to Paula or Tatiana, but I’m much better than my past self.

At least, I won’t be laughed at standing next to Jeremiah…

While thinking that, a warning bell rings, telling me that I can’t just keep going like this.

I knew that love wasn’t just a fluffy, enjoyable thing. It’s even more so when it comes to marriage.

Lost in thought, I heard Madam clap her hands.

“Now then, we’ll make some final adjustments, so gentlemen, please wait outside.”

Jeremiah reluctantly said, “I’ll wait until it’s over,” before leaving with Lord Grimani.

Soon after the door closed, I heard Dorothea’s suggestive laughter.

“My, I’m starting to feel embarrassed. You two were staring at each other so intently.”

“Indeed, but still, how did Jeremiah notice you? He usually avoids getting too close to ladies because of what happened to his friend.”

“…His friend?”

When asked, Paula shrugged her shoulders.

“Yes, that’s not the only reason, but I’m sure that was the hardest part for him. That friend was not a nobleman but the son of a wealthy landlord. He was a sincere and kind person, but he started to go crazy after getting engaged to a certain lady. That lady was very beautiful, and he was very proud of her.

But that lady was actually a cheater. She switched his friend to a more successful man… Since then, he became an alcoholic and died one day after falling off a horse.”

Silence enveloped the room that was lively until then. Paula noticed that the air in the room had become heavy and apologized in a hurry.

“I’m sorry, it became gloomy. But it’s okay, it’s over, and my brother has you. Let’s talk about something more fun!”

“Yes, that’s right. Shall we talk about the ball the day after tomorrow? As I recall, you’re inviting some of the prominent people who live nearby, as well as some political figures, aren’t you?”

Dorothea understood Paula’s intention and changed the subject. The heavy atmosphere changed, and the brightness returned as they talked about political satire.

But I had been thinking about what Paula had said.

After being adjusted here and there by Madam and getting help from Dora to change into my usual plain dress, her story remained stuck in the corner of my mind.

Eventually, the dress for the ball was completed, and Madam promised to deliver the other ordered items soon before leaving. In her hands, she held a bright red dress with embroidery in gold thread and a hair ornament specifically for the dress. The silky fabric had a beautiful sheen and a smooth texture.

After I changed, the gentlemen joined in the conversation, but Dorothea went off to her room alone, followed by my aunt. And when tea time was over, Paula, Tatiana, and Lord Grimani left.

However, Jeremiah stayed and said, “We have time until dinner, shall we go to the library or something? You declined when I invited you before, but there’s nothing else to do today, right?”

“Yes, I don’t mind.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Just now, Lady Astorga told me about your friend…”

Not wanting to stay silent, I spoke up, and Jeremiah looked at me for a moment as if caught off guard before giving a faint smile. He turned his feet towards the door and then sat back down in the chair next to me.

It seemed that he was willing to indulge my curiosity.

Just that made me extremely happy.

“I see, I thought you would know someday. So, what did you think?”

“I thought it was a terrible story… Jeremiah-sama stopped approaching young ladies and their mothers because of that.”

“It’s not just because of him, there are countless other reasons. Besides, it’s not just women who are terrible, men can be too. I know that it’s not always the case because fathers and mothers are different, but wouldn’t you be horrified if you got involved with a bad partner?”

“Of course. Then why do you think I’m not that kind of woman?”

When I asked, Jeremiah answered while looking at my face intently.

“At least, I don’t think someone who hesitates when I offer to buy a dress for them is an insincere person.”

“…I-Is that so?”

“Usually, women are very happy to receive dresses and jewelry as gifts, but you were only concerned about my finances. Besides, when you accepted my offer after my initial rude attitude, I knew you were a kind person.”

Unable to say that it was just because of my face, I grimaced.

“I’ve said it many times, but you’re an amazing woman. I don’t understand why you belittle yourself so much.”

As he gently took my hand and looked into my eyes, I couldn’t bear to look at him and lowered my gaze. I wanted to convey my true feelings to him, but I was afraid to say everything.

However, I also wanted him to know about me. So, I opened my mouth.