CHAPTER 30

Light pierced my eyesight, ready to declare me blind. The throbbing of my head did nothing to help the situation. My back felt twisted in a foreign sort of way. My muscles stood and refused to move without being begged. The environment that surrounded me felt so familiar yet so foreign. From the mahogany coffee table that stood in the centre of the room to the grey canvas sofa that had its own place in hell for torturing me the way it did.

I dropped my leg from the couch to stand only for it to land on a ribcage.

"What the fuck, Nkosana. Yini ungifunza unyawo lwakho?" Vuks groggily snapped

"Uyalazi yini iphutha? Awuyehlise umoya ndoda." I hissed. "I'm going to work." I informed and left the room. I was still early judging from the clock that hung on the  ivory wall but I just wanted to give myself a reason to leave Vuks' house. The sight was very depressing.

Vuks was not one to cry over women, it was actually the first time he spoke of a woman that he had feelings for.

I got dressed and drove straight to work while I ate an apple and an orange that would hopefully last me for five hours until my lunch break.

I sent Nhlonipho a message notifying him that we would be going shopping during my lunch break. I knew for a fact if I had not spent time with them they would start whining about me not loving them. In other words, they just want to spend my money. My nineteen year old siblings behaved like toddlers most of the time.

I carried on with work and went to the mall during lunch break. I met them at ocean baskets with take aways on their hands. They had bright smiles plastered on their faces and I almost thought it was because they missed me. They were wearing matching outfits. Both wore baggy khakhi T-shirts with brown cargo pants and white air Force 1s.

"Sawubona Bhuti wethu omdala" Nhlonipho said as he walked towards me.

"Kuhamba kanjani madoda" I said.

"Siyaphila. Ngicela ubonise losisi ikhadi lakho isikhashana." (Please show this lady your card for a while) Nhlakanipho said with a straight face. I gave him my hardest glare as I snatched away his fake confidence. If he wanted to spend my money on food then he should ask for it humbly, he was acting as if it was our money he was wasting. I had given them money recently but they managed to spend it in a blink of an eye. Mseki didn't cry as much for money because he had a job but I still gave him half of his allowance just to keep him going. He still had to buy new furniture for his apartment and that was no where near cheap. "Sicela usiboleke ikhadi lakho khona sizo khokha, bhuti." He said with his eyes dropped. (Can you borrow us your card so we can pay, brother"

"Cha"( no) I refused while I took out my wallet to take out cash to pay. Forgive me for being easily irritated by my brothers but I'm a heartbroken man. What do you expect? For me to do the sika le'khekhe while they waste my money? Plus I was extremely hungry. I started to wonder whether my stomach would eat itself if I did not eat any sooner.

We went to buy clothes. One would swear they were housewives in their past lives judging by the way their faces beamed in excitement just from the sight of new clothes. We were at Sportscene to buy takkies. They took sneakers and I took three track pants and two hoodies for Zama and I. When we were at the counter I ignored the suspicious looks they were giving me as they saw the baby pink hoodie I bought. I did not bother to explain myself, they were grown men they would figure it out on their own.

We also went to H&M to buy buy other stuff to wear for school. I bought pajamas for Mseki and I. I added a few clothes as well since Zama always told me my wardrobe only consisted of different coloured vests, golf shirts, sweatpants and track pants. Those were also my work clothes since I wore overalls over it. I also bought a white ditzy floral dress with a corset for Zama. I am not going to deny that it was, in fact, very delusional of me to believe that Zama and I would be back together again. I did not for a second think that it was truly over. Perhaps it was a gut feeling or I just trusted myself too much. I did not want to ponder for a single moment on what I would do if she truly left me. So with that in mind, I bought black heels and a black bodycon dress for her to go to work with. I also bought earrings to pair it with. I loved buying her clothes for some odd reason it made me feel proud of myself when she wore them.

"Bhuti, with all due respect, who are these clothes for" Nhlakanipho interrogated while examining the clothes.

"Zandile" I lied.

"Pregnant people do not wear clothes with corsets" he challenged and I just hummed in response. I was too bored to counter what he was implying and I frankly did not care of what he thought of my response.

I paid for the clothes and took the bags.

"Now let us go buy cake" Nhlonipho said

"Cake for who? It's not your birthday." I said with confusion.

"You don't need it to be your birthday for you to eat cake" Nhlakanipho seconded his brother.

"No, I am not buying cake for nonsense." I declared.

"We're nonsense?" Nhlonipho asked rhetorically.

"Yes" I simply answered with a straight and to my amusement, they actually looked offended.

"I just feel like you don't love us anymore." Nhlakanipho said with a fake frown in his face. He thinks that's their K.O move at making me bend to whatever they want. I just agree so they don't end up sulking like they always do.

"Fine, just go to checkers. It's closer. And buy top up groceries while at it" I grumbled while taking out some cash from my wallet. I gave  one thousand Rand to a smiling Nhlakanipho. "Usinekani?" I said and clicked my tongue before leaving.

Before I got back to work I sent them both a message to tell them that I wanted my house spotless with dinner ready by the time I came back. I also bought myself food from Gallito's and ate in the car before going back to work. There were still a few minutes before the end of my lunch break but I had little to no interest in talking to Bandile and his forever ludicrous suggestions to woo a woman. I decided to cut my lunch short and carried on with work. Ziyanda came to me and tapped me on the shoulder to tell me that it was time to for our shift change. I frankly did not feel like going back home, work had become therapeutic. I packed my things went home.

For the first time in a really long time the house did not look like a pigsty. There was absolute silence and the smell of usu(cow intestines) enveloped the air. For a morsel of a moment I had truely believed that Zama was back. I left my bags on the couch and hurried to my room although I found my room empty. When I changed my direction to go to Zandile's room I heard hushed voices in the twins' room. I opened the room to them bickering and smacking one another.

"Hey" they greeted in unison a bit too enthusiastically for my liking.

"What?"

"We made food" Nhlonipho said with a smile in his face.

"I don't believe you" I said, not that I didn't believe that there was indeed food but what I did not believe iwas that they made the food.

"What don't you believe us?" A familiar voice interrupted. I turned around to see Zandile with a swollen belly and chubby cheeks. The thing in her belly really did a number on her. Her skin complexion had change but it was not necessarily a bad thing. She actually looked beautiful as a mother-to-be.      "hey you" she added as she poked me.

"How is life" I asked with a little gleam in my eyes. I had not realised until then of how much I missed her.

"Heavy" she exhaled while  gesturing to her belly.

"Next time use TRUST" I teased. She didn't get it at first and after a few seconds she had a little lightbulb moment and laughed hysterically.

"It bursted cabanga" she unnecessarily informed.

"Too much information. That is not something I wish to know" I grumbled and stomped to my room. I went to freshen up before going to eat dinner. By the time I had finished everyone was at the kitchen dishing out food. Zandile was adding salt while Nhlonipho had plates and Nhlakanipho had bowls. "I knew you didn't cook" I said while taking out glasses and filling them water.

"Kodwa give us E for effort plus it's the thought that counts" Nhlonipho defended.

We ate in silence, well, we ate however Zandile literally inhaled her food just from how fast she ate. One could never think Zandile could ever cook such good steamed bread and usu. Once she was done she stood up to take  two apples to chew on. All of us gave her judgemental side eyes but we didn't make it too obvious. When we all finished with our food she followed us to the kitchen to snack on a half full container of yoghurt.  We all washed dishes together while the twins were entertaining us with their conical lives. When Zandile was about to reach for a pack of chips from the top shelve Nhlonipho decided to work for the devil.

"Aren't you full already?" Nhlonipho questioned or judged rather.

"Awuthule" I hissed and after that the floods if Noah were released.

"Are you trying to say I'm fat?" She wailed.

"No, he's just stupid. Please forgive him" I pacified as I smacked him at the back of his head.

"The thing is, you only came here a few hours ago and I can count how many time you've eaten with my hands and toes" he added paraffin to the already raging fire.

"I'm eating for two people!" She snapped.

"You cannot tell me that little baby barely even the size of my head has the appetite of a fully grown bear. Don't blame my niece for your frightening ability to down food within the blink of an eye." He retorted. At that point I truly believed that Nhlonipho wished to die.

"Let's just go" I said and pulled a crying Zandile with me to my room. I sat her on my bed and took out my laptop. I knew Zandile well enough to know that the only thing that could shut her up was a good romantic comedy movie. I hated them but Zandile had somehow forced me into creating a folder where all her favourite movies were.

I wasn't interested in the movie so I busied myself with my phone by answering important emails. Nhlonipho and Nhlakanipho were also sandwiched between Zandile and  I. They were not talking though. Zandile kept throwing glares his way every once in a while. The movie was two hour long and not even thirty minutes before the ending they had all fallen asleep. I could not understand how one could sleep in such an uncomfortable position. Nhlakanipho being the idiot he is was snored like a growling lion. Zandile on the other was drooling on my pillow.

When I was done with my own occupations I put away the laptop. By then the movie had already finished. I carried Zandile to her room to she could sleep. I covered her with a heavy blanket because I knew of how easily she got cold. Sometimes she would act like a 65 year old and drank tea in the middle of a hot day just because she had a slight chill. I switched off the light and held on to the doorknob to open the door.

"What's wrong Sana, you've been off nje" Zandile groggily mumbled and shifted to get more comfortable.

"Nothing" I dismissed.

"I'm not dumb" she reminded.

"Zama left" I inform with dread in my voice. I turned around and leaned against the door. I looked at her shadowed form through the darkness that enveloped us. I didn't bother switching on the light. I took a few deep breaths before carrying on, "she found out about my second  'job'. Her brother, the one that hates me, gave her the twisted version. There was no gentle version but right now Zama sees me as a monster and I doubt anything will erase that image of me killing someone."

"So what are you going to do?" She asked.

"Nothing" I deadpanned. "I love her but I don't think an apology no matter how sweet it is will cut it" I added with a sharp exhale.

"There is nothing to apologise for. It is  who are and your circumstances made you that way. If you're apologising for doing what you had to do when you had a gun at your head then you'll have to apologise for being alive and for keeping you brothers out of the brink of homelessness. I don't expect her to understand but I do expect her to stay if she truly loves you enough to look over that part of your life. If she doesn't stay it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it just means she was too afraid to stay."  She advised. Who knew Zandile could be this smart with pregnancy hormones.

"Thank you but—"

"Go, I'm too tired to answer any questions. I'm too pregnant for that." She snapped before letting out a loud huff of irritation. I nodded in agreement and left her room. I slept in Mseki's room because I was too lazy to wake the twins up. They were light sleepers when they felt like it and they could become living corpses when they when they wanted to.

I, again, like a ritual woke up to go to work with dread. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I would forget about my miserable life if I buried myself in work long enough. And to my dismay it was not as effective. I would get moments where I would zone out and think about the disappointment that veiled her eyes or the tears that stained her cheeks. Sometimes I would get nostalgic and heard the sound of her laughter ringing in the air as if she were near me. By the end of my work day I was fairly tired but mostly heavy hearted. I drove  to Zama's apartment hoping to somehow rekindle what I had broken. Well, her brother mostly. But I was not in the mood to point fingers but if we were.

He started it.

I reluctantly knocked on the door with no one answering. After almost giving up I heard a scream in the house.

"Ngiyeza, hawu. Uzoze ungibulalele umnyango wami" (I'm coming. You'll end up breaking my door)a voice yelled from the inside. After a few clicks indicating that the door was being unlocked. Upon opening the door I was met by honey dipped orbs that did not belong to Zama. They looked curious and angry. "I need to talk to Zama" I began with a bit of irritation that I failed to keep at bay.

"Ufuna ini lana?"(what do you want)She shot at me. I did not answer her but I guess the emotions that I desperately wanted to hide peeked out and etched my skin.

"What did you do?" She accused defeatedly, how fair for her to assume that I was the cause of the problem.

"I came here to talk to her" I said

"And I came here to tell you to fuck off" she venomously retorted

"Khetho, angiyena umuntu owokuncenga"(I'm not one to beg)I warned with a glare

"Do you honestly think you can scare me off?" She sassed and I glared daggers into her as she rolled her eyes.

"Khethokuhle, I came here to talk to Zama not entertain your little bodyguard games. Can you just move aside so Zama and I could talk. Is that too much to fucking ask?" I almost animalistically growled. Khetho had a way of playing hop scotch with my nerves and trust me it wasn't a good thing. I could have just killed that bratty little thing to bite Fika in the ass but I preferred wasting my untraceable bullets for more deserving people. As soon as she understood how much I barely held myself from strangling her she stepped aside.

"I'll be outside" she grumbled and walked out with fisted hands. She banged the door behind her just to get her point across.

"Just give me my wings I really don't have it in m—" Zama walked in saying. Before standing completely still and alarm flitting in and out of her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

She fearfully asked. I could almost swear that Zama feared for her life.

"To talk to you",I replied as I slowly walked up to her.

"There is nothing to talk about. Please leave my house" she pleaded as she looked around the room.

"There is" I simply countered.

"Nkosana if you do not leave I will call the police. This is trespassing." She said as she grabbed her phone and dialled a number. She tried walking away from me as she waited for a response. I pulled her by the back of her neck resultantly stumbling to the wall. I held the front of her neck gently so to not hurt her, softly caressing it as her breaths became heavier and louder with every passing minute. Silence vibrated in the microscopic space that dwelled between our lips.

"Please end that call" I softly whispered to her lips. Our eyes never left one another as our breaths clashed against each other like waves to stone on an ocean bay. The sound was just as serene.

"Hello? Hello? Is any one there?" The receiving end questioned with a bored yet husky voice.

"Why do you think I would listen to a murderer?", she provoked with fire burning her eyes. The sadness in my eyes might have slipped because of the immediate regret that veiled her eyes. Her eyes become Doncaster, to heavy to hold the guilt weighing on her eyes.

"Zama, don't play these dirty games. You don't see it but you are a pawn in your brother's game and I would hate to see you become the sacrificial goat." I said and landed butterfly kisses from her shoulder to her collar bone. I sneaked my hands to the back of her hand and snatched her phone to disconnect her phone. "You're new to this side of the world so don't even try to survive. Don't ever pull that stunt ever again, I love you too much to watch you face the consequences.  Don't play with fire Zama, you will get burnt." I said with my eyes lasered on her plump lips. I placed my thumb on her bottom lip and gently stroked it's softness.

"Don't look at me like that" she whispered into the imaginary world ice that had erected between us.

"Like what?" I feigned ignorance

"Like I'm something you've been craving for in a really long time." She explained.

"Aren't you?" I rhetorically asked. I once again placed butterfly kisses on the neck, "do you know how much I've missed you?", I pulled her close enough to have her breasts pressed against me. "Do you how much I've lost my mind thinking about you, you touch, your skin, those eyes, that smile and—" I continued but was interrupted by her moan. I again delved into the crook of her neck as she moaned into my ear as if beckoning me to do much more. I squeezed her blessed behind and gig a breathy moan in return. "Don't trust my self control so much. I might disappoint you." I warned. Without warning she held the sides of my face and connected our lips. Both lips dancing to the melody of passion. Threading carefully against one another like the feet of ballet dancers. The heat around us grew as the dance soon became a war of dominance. Outr tongues exploring one another as if meeting for the first time. That morsel of a memory became so perfect that it felt premeditated. It was the sort of moment where one would go the devil to do as he pleased because a glimpse of heaven was once in the palm of your hands.

She hung her left leg on my hip and I already knew what she wanted. I held her waist and lifted her up so her legs could wrap around my waist. I walk to the couch in the lounge and sat down while she straddled me. "Let's go to my room, my brothers hid a camera in here. They'll know that you were here" she said in between the heat of our kiss.

"I know" I said before kissing her again. With only a few seconds passing she stopped to look at me. Her eyes looked torn and broken. She shoved me back against the couch with all her might but I barely made an effect.

"You used me" she quietly concluded with no evidence. "You came here to piss my brother off. I was just a pawn in your own game." She continued her monologue.

"Zama listen to me" I tried to interrupt.

"How could I be so stupid?" She criticised herself with tears lining her eyes.

"You're not stupid" I countered.

"Yet here we are" she sighed, "I really do not want to be manipulated any further so I am going to ask you to leave." She asserted.

"When am I going to see you again"

"I do not ever want to see you. I am begging you, please go where I will not find you because I know I love you too much  to not go after you. I do not think my heart wants to lose you but I know I should so never show your face to me ever again." She cried.

"What if I  want to be found by you because I'm too afraid to lose you" I asked, pulling her closer to me so my head would rest on her shoulder to gget the opportunity to breathe in her scent. Maybe for the last time.

"For once in your life can you stop being selfish?" She bursted like a volcano and got off of me to stand up and get as far away from me as possible.

"With you I will not" I said walking to her. I really hated the game of tug and pull that that the universe had placed us in. Its ludicrous form only vexed me. I placed a peck on her lips and walked away.

"Hurry so my brothers cannot find you" she called after me.

"I am not afraid of your brothers." I almost gritted out.

"If only you feared for your life just as much as I did." She thought aloud to herself.

I've been in far more dangerous situations. "I love you" I said before leaving.

Khetho was gone and I do think I would have it in me at the moment the thank the Lord. I really did not need her to ask me questions she would not get the answers to.

I drove back home and made sure not have any human interactions because I would either shoot someone or just down right cry.

Author's note

Hello guys. Life has been tough. I wanted to carry on posting but unfortunately my grandmother from my mother's side just passed away. It's quite sad because my grandfather was a polygamist and now most of his wives are just dying in the same year but we will get through. Appreciate every moment you have with your family especially if you don't get to see them everyday. We are never certain of tommorow so always cherish your present. I really don't need words of condolences but please just drop a heart emoji to make me feel better. I don't need you to tell me that it will be okay because I know it won't. Of you're reading offline please just vote instead.

I love you guys.

Please vote ⭐, comment or share to your friends.