"If it doesn't burn a little, then what's the point of playing with fire?"
**********
At the night of the party...
Chase's POV
I walked out into the dark cold night. Air heaved in and out of my lungs, jagged and coarse. A growl rumbled at the base of my throat. I hated every fucking miserable second of this day.
All I wanted was to walk back inside and pull him away from her and let all of my rage explode into his face. I didn't care if I'd make a scene, I didn't care that he is my cousin and friend. All I wanted is a release to the anger flaming inside my chest.
But I stopped myself and pressed my palm over the car's window. Unable to open it and go, and unable to stay.
The cold January air didn't affect me at all. It felt like I was burning up from the inside out.
And soon, all will be left would be ashes.
Guess that's what happens when you play with fire.
I burned.
I gambled and lost.
I knew it was a risk, she was a risk, but I took it. I thought she'd be worth it.
I unbuttoned the first few buttons of my shirt and rubbed at my chest, trying to blunt the ache inside. Did I need my inhaler or was it heartbreak that felt this much painful? I couldn't decide which is which at the moment.
"Leaving so soon?"
At the sound, I lifted my head up and saw Aylin, standing a few meters away, her head tilted to the side, eyeing me with a bit of worry in her gaze.
I nodded as I raked my fingers through my hair, "Just a bit tired."
She nodded, "The party is so boring anyway, you won't be missing anything important." She sighed, "See you," She added with a wave before she turned around and started to walk toward the exit.
"You're leaving?" I asked. She paused in her steps and turned around, "Yeah, just waiting for the taxi to get here."
I nodded toward my car, "Come, I'll drop you off."
She shook her head with a grateful smile, "Oh no, you don't have to."
I opened the car's door, "Come on Aylin, it's on my way."
I got inside and seconds later, the passenger door opened and Aylin got in. Without further talking, I started the engine and took off.
I appreciated the fact that she didn't try to open a conversation. I am really not in the mood for chatting at the moment and I think she understood that.
The ride was short yet it felt so long. Aylin didn't say a word and I just kneaded at the steering wheel, my chest rose and fell in spastic quakes, my mind busy thinking about the girl I've left behind.
The car came to a pause by Aylin's house. Before I could turn around, I felt her hand rest over my arm. When my gaze fell at hers, she smiled, a small sad one as she shook her head, "She doesn't deserve you."
My eyebrows pulled together trying to understand how the hell she knows about this. Sally knows about us, but as far as I know, Aylin has no clue, she thinks we are still doing the fake dating for Zack's sake.
She gave me a knowing look, "Come on Chase, it's way too obvious," She commented, "The way you look at her, the way you treat her," Her smile slowly faded away, "For all those years. It takes a blind person only not to notice how much you care about her, you like her...if not even more."
"Aylin, I really don't want to ta-"
"It's just my opinion," She shrugged, retreating her hand back, "If she couldn't understand how you felt for all this time and instead went for Zack," Her eyebrows pulled together, "It only means she just doesn't deserve you."
"You're beating yourself over here, and you really shouldn't." She added, "You deserve better than this, Chase."
Her phone vibrated in her hand, taking her attention away from me and this dreadful talk.
"Ohh," She mumbled lowly as she gazed at the screen.
"Is there something wrong?"
She shook her head as she stared at the phone's screen, "No, it's just the girls were gonna spend the night at my house since my parents are away." She said as she locked the phone and placed it in her coat's pocket, "But Sally said she'll be leaving with some guy," She sighed, "And Lilly is leaving with Zack."
Up till this moment, I had hope. That Lilly will get back to her senses, she will stop and think...think more clearly and deeply about this. That she'll understand what we have is so big, she'll come back to me, and she'll tell me that she's ready to hear me out, ready for us to figure it together, and ready to make it work.
But, Aylin's last words shattered that hope into tiny little pieces. She is leaving with him, she'll spend the night with him, alone. For god's sake, I know Zack. And I know Lilly. Her irrationality will push her to do this and more.
The anger that flowed through my veins was indescribable and my fingers tightened over the steering wheel. My jaw tightened and I pressed my eyes shut as the back of head pressed against the seat's headrest.
I tried to think. I tried to breathe. The thin line between sanity and insanity breaking loose.
It's true I always look calm and composed. I always try to, for my health's sake at least.
The triggers for my asthma attacks have always been more psychological than anything else.
Even though, there are moments in life that push my limits to the point I can't take it anymore. The only release would be to break something and get my knuckles bloody.
My mother always told me, my eyes aren't the only thing I took off my dad, but my temper too.
Right now, I was furious.
"Aylin can you go down?" I tried to say it as respectfully as possible, "There is somewhere I need to be." More like someone I need to beat the shit out of.
"Uh Chase, I don't think that's a very great idea," She hesitantly said, "You look ready to kill and I don't think you should drive now."
I rushed my hand over my face and down my chin, as if the action could wipe away all the shit I have to deal with now.
"Chase," She said, more carefully this time, "I know what you're thinking at the moment and a friendly advice, don't." She shook her head and I felt her inch closer and her hand came over mine, "He is still your cousin, don't ruin what you two have just for a girl."
She wasn't just any girl.
"I know you're angry," Her fingers tightened over mine, "But you're only hurting yourself now."
I tried to absorb some of her words and not let the rage control me or my actions.
"You should be the bigger person here."
I should be the bigger person here.
"It was her choice, and she took it."
True, her choice. Zack didn't force a thing on her, he wouldn't. She'll willingly do it.
"You really need to let her go."
I need to let her go.
If she could easily walk away, just like that, go with him, kiss him, leave and spend the damn night with him. Then, true, she really doesn't deserve me torturing myself like this.
But, but it's...it's Lilly. How can I ever just let her go?
With the back of my head still pressed against the seat, I turned it to the right to meet her eyes.
She offered me a small smile, a reassuring one. I let my eyelids drop down for a second and sorted through my thoughts.
"If you don't wanna be alone now, you can come down, there is no one home," She said and removed her hand from over mine, "Also we can raid dad's liquor cabinet, there is some very good stuff in there."
I was about to shake my head but she interrupted, "Come on, would you rather go home and keep thinking about this?" She asked, her eyebrow raising, "At least here, I can stop you from getting into the car and murdering your cousin."
She placed her hand over the handle and opened the door, "Come on, I am not taking no for an answer."
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Aylin's POV
It was near impossible. But I tried.
The way he always looked at her. His secret gazes that no one ever noticed.
The way he smiled whenever she did. The way he frowned every time she was sad.
His patience toward her mood swings. The way he never got angry at her and even if he did, it was always filled with tenderness.
His excessive interest toward every little detail about her.
It was all signs that I've noticed long before she did. Because I loved him, just like he loved her.
I watched him, just like he watched her.
And even though he failed to ever express exactly how he feels toward her, he never failed to push me away every time I got closer.
I always knew it was impossible.
But I tried. I had to try.
Even if I had to go around it sneakily and in the wrong ethical way.
I had to.
I owed it to myself.
I poured him the third glass of alcohol and he didn't seem to refuse. His troubled eyes slowly losing the anger and I felt him relax a bit.
"Oh no, that was such a bad day," I continued, "I fell into the river, god don't remind me, it was so embarrassing."
He chuckled, it was so low, it felt a bit forced, but he was trying, trying not to think, and I wanted to busy his mind with anything else.
He is hurt. She hurt him, as usual.
"You did help me though," I added, "You knew how bad of a swimmer I was, and immediately came for my rescue." I finished the sentence with the smile etched to my face.
The beautiful smile that curved his lips after stole my breath away. I always wondered how could Lilly ever choose Zack over him, it never made sense. Chase was perfect, in every way, inside out. The problem is, I am not. So, how could I ever measure up to him?
He thinks I am comforting a friend in need, he doesn't know how I am trying to take advantage of his pain. God, it sucks, it makes me want to cry. But, it's the only way. I am desperate. So very desperate.
He pressed the back of his head against the couch and he rested his eyes for a couple of seconds. That was my chance to inch closer to him, "Chase," I mumbled. He pried his eyes open and turned his head toward me, "Hmm?"
Words clogged my throat. I couldn't talk. Too many confessions went unsaid. I gulped, I wasn't courageous enough. Coward, that's what I've always been. Because deep down I knew that all I'll be getting is a rejection.
"Uh, you..." I cleared my throat, "You got an eyelash over here." I leaned forward and with my finger, I wiped the eyelash away from his cheek. A strangled breath wheezed down my throat as the words fought for a release.
I didn't back away after.
My gaze slowly traveled from his cheek to his eyes as my fingers rested over his skin. I swallowed hard when I felt the muscles of his jaw tighten underneath my fingertips, only proving that he understood.
Air heaved out of my chest when I saw him shake his head, "Aylin, don-" My fingers immediately moved to his lips, hovering over them, shushing him before he could stop me, "Let me, Chase," I mumbled, my eyes focused on his lips, feeling their softness against my fingertips ignited something wild in me, "I can make it better...I can help you forget," I added.
When he didn't say a thing, I slowly lowered my face, more than ready to finally feel him. But his hand shot up to my shoulder, grabbing it and stopping me, "Aylin," He said, in warning. My jaw tightened, and my heart beat a thousand feeling across my chest. Lilly is my friend, but at this moment, I hated her. All of this, is because of her only.
My gaze flickered to his eyes and I shook my head, "Why you can't just let her go?" I asked, "She chose Zack, it's time for you to do that too, you should move on, or you'll never be happy, Chase."
My fingers brushed the skin of his cheek, "Just don't think, don't..." I leaned closer, and this time, he didn't push me away. My lips brushed his and I felt him suck into a deep breath. I was so scared of his rejection again but all of my thoughts evaporated within thin air when my lips moved against him.
Numbly, he let me. A few seconds later, he responded and matched my lip's movement. Fire flamed inside me and stretched through out my whole being and I straddled his lap. His hand grabbed my hips, harshly, as if letting his anger pour out of his kiss and touch.
He was using me, for revenge maybe, and I gladly let him do as he pleased.
It always felt impossible, but I tried. I had to try and I finally succeeded.
***********
Current day...
Lilly's POV
I didn't understand. Actually, I didn't want to.
At the moment, I didn't feel a thing. Numbness just clawed up at my inside.
I felt Sally's hand wrap around mine from under the table. I looked her, a frown pulled her eyebrows together, her eyes just as clueless as mine.
"Uh, Chase? Our, our Chase?" Sally asked, for my benefit.
Aylin nodded with a duh-look, "Of course, who else would it be?"
My jaw tightened, trapping it all inside and I tightened my hold over Sally's hand, and she let me squeeze the shit out of it.
"How...how did that happen exactly?" Sally kept her interrogation, asking the questions I failed to ask. I knew that if I opened my mouth, I'd just break down.
"Well, we left the party together," Aylin started, so excited, her eyes twinkling and my heart skipped a beat, "We had a couple of drinks, it started with a kiss and it just happened." Aylin's smile widened, "If you want me to go into details, I'll gladly do so."
"No!" Sally shouted, her eyes growing wide and I kept torturing her hand, the only thing keeping me from falling down right in front of Aylin.
Sally's head turned toward me, "Uh Lilly, you told me to remind you to step by Mr. Fisher's office before the lunch break finishes." She lied, giving me the excuse to rush the hell out of here.
With grateful eyes, I gave her a nod. Finally releasing her hand from my torturous grip, I stood up, immedietely took my things and walked away so fast, without muttering a single word or even glancing at Aylin's side.
I exited the cafeteria, bumping into many people on my way but I didn't care to even apologize. I needed to be far away from everyone at the moment or else I'll explode.
Once I reached the empty hallway, I leaned my back against the lockers and let my eyelids drop down. I finally breathed. In and out. Breathe Lilly...Breathe...No, no, it wasn't working.
I grasped my chest, holding into the place where it hurt the most. This feeling, this pain that coursed through my entire being was a first and it didn't take me long to realize what it is.
It's my fault, actually.
I wanted Chase to be all of my firsts.
I just never thought he'd be my first heartbreak.
The sound of footsteps at the other end of the hall grabbed my attention. My gaze drifted from the ground and fell on him.
My chest tightened more at his sight, his eyes focused on the floor, unaware of my presence, one hand holding onto the bag's strap over his shoulder, the other shoved in his pocket as he moved forward.
I straightened myself, my fingers curled into the inside of my palm. Determination courses through my veins and I replaced the hurt with the anger. The pain with rage.
I marched forward, ready to attack. The moment he lifted his gaze up and noticed me is the exact moment my hands came crashing against his hard chest, my fingers wrapped around his shirt and his eyes widened a bit at my out-of-the-blue assault.
He paused in his movement, his eyes focused only on mine.
"How could you?" Were the only words I could grate out of my sour throat. My voice came out weak, so weak.
Chase made me weak, vulnerable.
At my words, he seemed to get back to himself. His hand came over mine and he pulled it away from him. His eyes turned themselves off. Neutral. Like he didn't care anymore.
He was about to walk away but I stopped him, "Where do you think you're going?" I snapped, "Answer me! How could you do that? How?"
"I didn't do anything wrong." Was all he could manage to say.
My eyebrows pulled together in confusion, "What?" I asked, "You...you're not even gonna try and deny it? You're not gonna tell me that Aylin is lying. It's a lie. It has to be a lie, you wouldn't.." My heart broke all over again, "You wouldn't do that, Chase, we..." I couldn't talk, I just couldn't as I felt the wet tears streaming down my cheeks.
I was crying, because of him, because it hurts. So bad.
"I couldn't even kiss him, I couldn't...I ran away, I searched for you, I waited for you," Heartbreak overcame each and every word, "I was worried about you and you...you-"
"What, Lilly?" His eyebrow raised, there was a type of harshness in his eyes that I've never seen before, "Didn't you tell me that I should move on, that I should go and find someone else just like you did?" He took a step forward, crowding me, "Weren't you the one who ran into Zack's arm only one day after we were together?"
He shook his head, disappointed, "So yes, I didn't do anything wrong, Lilly, I am just so sick of being your second choice."
He never was my second choice. Never.
I wanted to say that, but couldn't.
"You slept with her?" I asked, still in denial, still believing that he wouldn't actually do it, that maybe he is just taunting me, he is trying to hurt me only, because he wouldn't...he just wouldn't.
He didn't give me an answer.
The tears didn't stop, they fell through, I grasped my chest again. Why did it physically hurt? It shouldn't...it shouldn't hurt this bad.
"When I begged you to be with me, you still said no," I remembered begging him for god's sake, "But you just...you went with...with Aylin and-" I couldn't manage one complete sentence.
Pain twisted my inside and my stomach churned with the sudden urge to throw up. Anger mixed with pain, with heartbreak, and with rage; it all merged inside of me and I pushed at his chest again, "I hate you!" I shouted, I cried, I slowly broke down and I hit his chest again, and again, "I hate you so much!"
He didn't budge, he didn't stop me and he didn't say a single word, just proving that he gave up on us as well.
I backed away from him, I removed my hands edged backward. Chase's eyes flickered to someone behind me, and his jaw ticked, "And that's my cue to leave."
He started to walk away when I heard my name being called, "Lilly," Zack said and I turned around, meeting his eyes.
Lines etched his forehead at the tears streaming down my cheek, he inched closer and his hand rested over my skin, wiping them away, "What's...what's wrong?"
I heard the scoff that made it out of Chase as he walked past Zack. The muscle's of Zack's jaw tightened and he turned around so fast, his hand grabbed Chase's arm and he snapped, "What the hell did you do?"
I couldn't register how or when it happened, all I felt was the gasp escaping my lips as Chase turned around and without hesitation, threw an uppercut punch across Zack's jaw.
My hands clutched at Zack's arm as he staggered backward. A groan rumbled from his chest and he was about to jump at him but I tightened my hold, stopping him, "Please, don't."
Chase's eyes drifted from Zack to me and before he turned around, he managed to grate out through clenched teeth, "Both of you, stay the hell away from me."
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Hey, i know it's a little chapter, but I will be updating the next one soon, in the next two days, hopefully.
I am back to work again, ugh, I will probably be updating once a week or sometimes twice, depends on my schedule. When I don't update, just keep pushing me, okay.
Love ya all!