thirty three

"You can't tell Adrian or Levi about this," I deadpan, the second we sit down in Cedric's office, with Tristan standing behind me with his arms crossed, his face not having shown any sign of emotion since we came in here.

I hate when he gets like this. All closed off because he doesn't know how to handle all the emotions he's feeling, and so he just shuts down all of them.

But I suppose that's just another way of showing my self-contempt since I've done the same exact thing so many times before.

"You can't tell them," I repeat when Cedric doesn't react.

I don't really know what's happening inside his brain, but right now, there's no trace left of the strong Alpha that rescued me all those years ago. Instead, he looks like he's barely holding it together, contemplating everything in his life.

"I just can't believe I missed this," he mumbles, more to himself, and I can almost smell his guilt and self-loathing, I can almost grasp it with my hands and squeeze it in my palms. And I almost feel sorry for him.

"And Adele... she promised she would never let something like this happen while she's Luna."

Those words make me swallow because I've heard of Adrian's mother's past before. Only briefly, because neither of the family members likes to talk about it, but Adrian mentioned it from time to time, when Adele still had nightmares about it, and Adrian would come to mine or Levi's place for comfort.

All I know is, that Adele tried to hide her abusive father from everyone for a long time, until she met Cedric, who slowly broke down the walls she built around herself, and get her as far away from that man as possible.

Sounds familiar.

"Right before my eyes," he mutters and for a second I think he might start crying, but his eyes lock with mine instead, and it's like he sees something in them, that makes him sit up straighter, gain some of his composure back.

"How's Anna?" I ask, my mind racing, the thought of him hurting her because I left nagging at my mind ever since Tristan mentioned it.

"She's... okay. He didn't... he abused her more emotionally than physically. She didn't want to talk about it at first, denied it even, but eventually, she told us what's been going on."

I swallow, letting the words sink in.

I know just how bad Ray could get into one's head, and how sometimes his words hurt a lot more than his fists, which doesn't make me feel any better, knowing she had to go through that.

Somehow I'd hoped that he would be decent enough, not to hurt his own daughter. Where that last piece of faith came from, I have no clue, but I just know that it's gone now.

"She's at Luisa's place," Cedric adds after some time, and when his words register, a familiar ache in my chest arises.

Luisa is Annas best friend. They have been, ever since their moms delivered them on the same day.

Cedric's words just remind me of the times when I still wished for someone to come and save me from my uncle. Especially the year he started hitting me. I don't know how many nights I spent crying for Adrian and Levi.

The next day I'd pretend everything was fine, even if I was slowly dying inside.

A boy who just wanted to be with the only people he felt alive with at the time.

But that boy doesn't exist anymore and so I try not to let it show how much those words struck me.

For a second I think I might've done a good job at that, but Cedric's face softens into a pityful mask, and I get the sudden urge to just punch him straight in the face.

"Oh, Rafael."

"Don't," I snap at him, and stand up from the chair abruptly, mostly to distract myself a little, "all I want you to do is to keep this between us. That's the least you can do after everything."

My wolf admonishes me in my head, knowing as well as I do that I shouldn't take my anger out on Cedric. I sigh, rubbing my shoulder akwardly.

"I just... I don't want them to know. They're just gonna feel bad about something that's in the past."

For a moment, all he does is stare at me with a blank face, that honestly kinda scares me.

"You don't need to protect Adrian and Levi from your past, Rafael."

Damn, did he really just say that?

Looking at Tristan, I get my confirmation, because he's staring at his former best friend, probably wondering the same thing as I am.

"Do you and Tristan share the same brain cells?" I mutter, clearly not happy with his words. The same ones Tristan told me just a few days ago.

At his confused look, I tell him about how Tristan said almost the same exact thing a few days ago.

"Could it then not perhaps be true?" he wonders coyly, and I sigh loudly, pinching my nose between my fingers.

"Look. I'm not protecting them, I just don't want things to... change. I just don't want them to know," I try my pathetic attempt at an explanation, and even to my own ears it sounds dumb.

"They're gonna find out," Tristan eventually breaks the silence, his voice soft, a look in his eyes that I hate, "sooner than later, they will."

I know he's right. I know he is, I know that they will find out soon, I know that that day could be today but something inside of me just recoils at the idea of them knowing.

I don't even know what it is, I don't know why it is, I just know that I don't want them to know.

For whatever reason, I'm scared. I'm dreading the idea of them finding out about yet another traumatic event in my life, that's gonna make them see me as even more pathetic and fucking weak and stupid and-

"Fuck," I whisper, pressing my fists into my eyes, wishing away reality for just a second, to give me a break for just a fucking second.

"I don't know what- I just- I don't-"

Tristan hushes me, pulling me into his side softly, to give me at least some stability, and I try to breathe in and out of my nose, to calm my racing heart down at least a little, but the shook is just sitting too deep.

They're gonna find out.

"I'm sorry, Rafael, I really am," Cedric whispers into the otherwise silent room.

I don't acknowledge him, just let Tristan's arm lay around my shoulder, while I try to make sense of some of the things in my messy mind.

"Fuck," I whisper again because that's really the only loud and clear in my mind.

I'm fucked.

sorry for the lack of update last week. had a really busy last few weeks.

so... what do you think rafael is so scared of?