thirty

"It's... I don't know how much I've told you about my childhood. Or rather: I couldn't tell you much about it, because I didn't really remember it."

Tristan nods, his sole attention on me, and once again I'm pleasantly surprised at how seen and heard he makes me feel by just being here.

"I was imprisoned by hunters. Me and my mum. I don't know for how long, or why, or anything really... it's just, lately, I've started having these strange dreams, that really don't feel like dreams but more like... memories."

I stop for a moment, not sure how to continue this. My story. No wonder I'm so fucked up when my childhood looked like that.

Tristan's eyes have darkened considerably, and I know he's probably heard about the story before, about the rogue kid that was found in the woods, hurting and bleeding, brutally beaten, with wounds and scars all over his little body.

The thing is, that I'm not the one telling those stories. Because I don't remember any of it.

It's other people, like the one that found me in the woods, or Mrs. Claire, that treated me in the hospital for nearly a month, or Alpha Cedric, who, strangely enough, was the only one I kinda felt safe with at the time, and was the only one I would really talk to.

Until now, all I knew about what happened to me, was told by other people.

I don't know when my memories started fading, and I don't know why or how, but I mostly just remember the times after I met Adrian and Levi.

"I just... it's really fucking scary," and of course, my voice cracks at the end. I press my fists into my eyes, again, in hope that I won't cry, again.

Ever since that damn dam broke when I saw my uncle, I can't seem to stop crying.

And for fuck's sake, why do I still think of him as my fucking uncle?

Ever since I saw the guy that abused me for years and years I can't seem to stop crying. It's so fucking annoying.

"I can only imagine what that feels like," Tristan whispers, and I just nod, because what else is there to do? It's not like I can change my fucking past or anything.

"I think you should just... try to let him in again. Cedric I mean," I tell him, trying to change the subject again, because I can feel my heart rate spiking and my skin crawling, and I'm sure as hell not in the mood for a fucking panic attack, "especially since he really seems to want you to."

"I know it's easier said than done, but..." I trail off, realizing something.

Do... do Adrian and Levi feel the same way Tristan does?

It's not the exact same situation, of course, it isn't, but... isn't it similar? Or are they Cedric in this situation, wanting me to let them in again? And I'm Tristan...

"I don't know if I want to... I just... always hurt the people closest to me," he confesses, his voice merely a quite whisper, and then I realize, yeah, I'm most definitely Tristan, because damn, those words hit a little too close to home.

"You didn't hurt me," I shot back almost immediately. He's the one good thing left in my life.

"I will," I immediately start shaking my head and want to protest, but he doesn't let me.

Something crosses his features and I pause, because the look on his face is one I haven't seen before.

"I'm sorry for what I'm gonna say," he tells me, and I'm so confused, because what the hell is he talking about?

"What are you on about?" I ask him, my heart now racing way too fast, my hands shaky.

"Ray. What you told me about... about what he did to you..."

"W-what about it?" I snap, but my voice just comes out scratchy, and I don't know why he's bringing it up again, because I sure as hell don't want to talk about it.

And I sure as hell don't want my mates to know. My face blanches, once I realize what he's going on about.

"No... no you fucking didn't," I whisper hoarsely, because if he did, then... then I would lose all hope in humanity.

"I didn't tell them," he explains quickly, but his eyes still look so remorseful, so scared, and suddenly I know what he wants to talk about.

"No. No," and only now my voice is as firm as I want it to be because I sure as hell won't tell them, "I won't. I won't tell them."

How can he even propose that idea? After I trusted him with it?

"He needs to be exiled from the pack for what he did to you. They need to know why you-"

"No, they don't need to know shit."

"He abused you, Rafael! After you were abused your whole life as a child, he did the same thing to you, again! Cedric trusted him with you, and he... he-" Tristan chokes on his words, his eyes filling with tears, and although it hurts to see how my past affects him so much, I just don't understand what he wants from me.

"Keep your fucking voice down!" I snap, afraid that Adrian and Levi will hear.

"They're not here, pack meeting," he mutters, wiping at his eyes, and I almost want to reach out for him, but I don't, because there's just this feeling of betrayal swimming inside of me, and now I know why he said that he'll hurt me.

He just did.

"You're such a fucking asshole," I say, and then I start crying, "I trusted you with this. I never told this to anyone."

"I know. I know. I'm so sorry," he whispers, and he sure as hell does look sorry, because the minute my tears start to fall, his do as well, "it's just... I know that he's doing the same thing to Anna."

He might as well have shot me and it would've hurt less.

"I've been following her around a little. She jumps at the smallest noise, she flinches when someone raises their hands, she-"

"No. No, no, no," why is he doing this? "Stop... stop! I don't want to hear it."

"She's being abused by her own father," he says, and I jump from the bed because I don't want to hear this. I don't have to listen to this.

"Rafael, wouldn't you have wished that someone had helped you?"

At his words, I stop dead in my tracks, because shit, I think that just might be the bullet hitting me.

"What do you think, Tristan?" I hiss, but it doesn't come off nearly as angry as I would want it. I just sound broken.

"Huh, what do you think?" I repeat my question, taking a threatening step closer to him, "That I didn't pray to the moon goddess that someone would notice anything? That Adrian and Levi would come to my fucking rescue? That Alpha Cedric would notice something?"

With every question, I press my finger into his chest, my face wet from the tears falling from my eyes.

"You know why they couldn't?" I ask him, my eyes never leaving his.

"Because I didn't let them. I didn't want to lose the only family I had left. And look where that got me."

I never had a family in the first place.

A sob escapes my lips, and almost immediately, Tristan wraps his arms around me in a tight embrace.

"Do you really think I wanted this?" I ask him, clinging to him, because, yeah, maybe he did hurt me just now, but I just need something to hold onto, something to keep me grounded.

"I love you, Rafael. So much. I'm so sorry this happened to you," he whispers, instead of answering my stupid question, and I press my eyes shut and just let him hug me.

"Please tell them," he forces the words out again, even though I know he doesn't want to. He's not doing this to hurt me, he's just trying to do the right thing.

I wish it didn't hurt as much as it did, the familiar burning in my chest, the betrayal.

"I can't. I can't and I don't want to. You can't force me."

"Why not?" he asks, and I shake my head, because I'm done talking about this, "why are you protecting them?"

The question leaves me stunned, and for a second, everything seems to come to an halt, before I detach myself from him, searching for any trace of doubt on his face.

But he means the words he's just spoken.

"I'm not protecting them," I whisper, but even to my own ears I sound unsure.

"Yes you are. Maybe not on purpose, maybe you won't ever realize that you did, but you do. You always did."

I shake my head, because that's not true. I'm protecting myself. For once in my life I'm doing something for myself.

"No. I'm protecting myself. What difference would it make, Tristan? I don't need their sympathy. I don't need their forgiveness for something they didn't do. I don't need them to feel bad for me."

"But you need them to understand," he emphasizes, his hands on my shoulders, "as simple as it sounds. They just need to understand."

When he seeks my gaze, I look to the side. He would just convince me to do something that I just can't do. He doesn't understand.

Everything would change.

More than it already did, anyway.

They'd never see me the way they once did. No one would. Even Tristan doesn't anymore.

I was the abused kid once before, I'm not gonna be the abused teenager as well.

"I need to be alone," I whisper, leaving the room. He lets me.

do you understand rafaels reasoning?