twenty six

I'm not the one that answers Adrian, Levi is.

"No," he snaps almost immediately, his voice cold as ice and let's just say I'm completely thrown off guard by this.

I don't think he ever spoke to Adrian like that before. Or to anyone, really.

And to be completely honest, I'm still processing the fact that I kissed Levi. I kissed him. Like, on the lips. And he kissed me too. On the lips.

Goddess I'm such an fucking idiot.

Instead of resolving our issues I'm going around sharing kisses with the people that hurt me the most?

I seriously regret sending Tristan away now.

Do I regret the kiss tho? Not really. Or kinda. I don't know... fuck, my mind is a mess.

This isn't good. This is not the way I wanted things to work out between us. I don't know how I wanted them to work out, but not like this.

I hate emotions.

"Rafael, please," Adrian pleads, actually pleads and for a second I have to ask myself if I'm not in the wrong movie.

Then I realize, when have I ever not been?

Just as Levi is about to respond for me again, I kinda snap at him, "if I let you in, it's only fair to let him in as well."

Oh. Where did that come from? At the hurt puppy eyes he's immediately giving me I start feeling bad, but I just exhale loudly to maintain my cool and get out of bed, in to the other corner of the room.

His proximity makes my mind all fuzzy, as if it isn't fuzzy enough already.

"To be honest, I never wanted to see you again, Adrian," I call out, loud enough for him to hear and again, holy fuck, where did that come from?

I don't know what it is, maybe it's the kiss, or maybe it's the fact that Tristan knows what my uncle did to me, or maybe it's just... I don't know, the fact that they kicked me out of their fucking pack or that I saw my uncle, sorry, not my uncle, again? No matter what it is, something just really set me off because I'm really starting to get fucking angry.

And that's when I notice it's not just me that's angry, but also my wolf, who has been trying to hold it back, but he's practically fuming.

And not just at our mates but at me? Oh hell no.

What the fuck is your problem? I think to him, low-key offended that he's mad at me, when the last few days he hasn't been there almost at all.

And, you know, it's kinda difficult to argue with a part of yourself that you can't communicate with through words, because he's a fucking animal living inside my head and occasionally running around as a wolf whenever I let him.

Why are you mad? I ask myself again, but he just huffs, as if I'm completely helpless and hopeless case, making me feel like an idiot.

"I know. Just please let me explain," and I almost forgot about that. Adrian seriously sounds like he's on the verge of a mental breakdown. But I still don't want to let him in.

This time when my wolf makes himself known I get the massage clearly. Something along the lines of oh but you want to kiss him.

And I'm left speechless again. Th-that's why you're mad?

I can't fucking believe him. He's the one that's been dreaming about kissing them for so long and now he's mad at me for actually doing it?

Reading my wolf is something I could barely do, but the last two years Tristan really helped me connect to my wolf and that's probably why I get why he's mad at me all of a sudden.

Oh. He's mad because I'm being to soft on them. On Levi.

When he hums in agreement my brows furrow. Too soft? What does that even mean?

I mean, who wouldn't have kissed his mate when he just confesses your love to you, right?

Seriously, maybe I just wanted everything to be fine for fucking once? Maybe I just wanted to haven one moment of fucking peace and normality with my mate, without having to think about all the fucked up shit in my life and the fact that nothing about me or this is normal, I snap back at my wolf, and almost immediately I hear him whine and I realize what I've just confessed.

Fuck, that's true isn't it? I just wanted to forget everything for once and act like we're normal mates that maybe fight sometimes but make up for it with a kiss, because I just want to feel normal for once.

Even if I'm anything but.

"Oh fuck," I groan, honestly just done with all of this.

Levi is just looking at me all concerned and confused and I just want to smash my head against the wall.

Alright Rafael, get a grip on yourself. Let's just get it over with, right?

"Come in then," I almost growl, annoyed at the fact that I actually have to talk shit out for once and not just... run away again. Self growth, I guess?

I don't even bother to hide my surprise when I see the state he's in. He looks like a mess.

I don't think I look any different tho.

"Thank you, Rafael."

"Yeah, well, talk before I change my mind, will you?"

I'm just being plain rude now, am I not? Where did this Rafael hide all this years? The angry one.

"I didn't know until two weeks ago." Right to the point than?

"Didn't know what?" I challenge, even if my heart clenches painfully at the reminder that he knew and didn't fucking tell me. He should at least be able to say it out loud.

"I didn't know that Ray wasn't actually your uncle until two weeks ago."

Now his words just leave a bitter feeling in my chest.

"And why would I believe that? You could just say that to get off the hook easily."

"Yeah," Levi agrees, but I shoot him a look almost immediately. He doesn't need to stand up for me.

"I'm not trying to get of the hook easily," he tries to explain calmly, but I can tell that how desperate he is for me to believe him. So I just let him speak.

"You know they day my parents came here and said that Ray wanted to talk to you?" I nod, just because he's waiting for some sort of reaction out of me, "yeah, well, I think they also wanted to tell you that, before you ran off... instead they told me, the next day. Levi wasn't there, he didn't know."

I mean, of course I believe him. Adrian may be anything but he isn't a good liar, so even as kids he wouldn't have been able to lie to me about this. And it's not like we had any secrets from each other when we were kids.

I just assumed that someone told him when he banned me from the pack, or when we started drifting apart when we were teenagers. I thought an Alpha, or back then future Alpha, would've to know that kind of stuff.

That just makes this a little more complicated, doesn't it?

"I'm sorry. I really am. I'm not trying to find excuses, but there's just been so much shit going on and to be completely honest, I just didn't know how to tell you."

"Or me," Levi butts in, obviously mad that his precious Alpha and mate didn't tell him something for once.

"Look, I know I'm a hypocrite. I know that I don't earn your forgiveness, for anything that I've done. I know that only a few days ago I promised to make it up to you, and instead, I just mess it up all over again. Just please don't let this be the end of... of us."

Now would be a pretty good time to bash my head against a wall. Because I seriously don't know what I'm supposed to say or do or think.

Of course, I'm still mad. He should've told me the moment he found out. But it's not like he knew how much the revelation would change things. It's not like he knows what Ray did to me.

My wolf isn't any help either, because he seems just as helpless as I am.

"You know, to be quite frank with you, I don't even think I have the energy to be mad at you."

"I get that-"

"No, I honestly don't think you do," I shut him up immediately, gripping and tugging at my hair because I seriously don't know what to do anymore.

"You don't get anything, honestly. Four years ago you wouldn't even have lied to me about a surprise for me and rather have spoiled it... now you lie to me about something like this? I don't think you get it. I think none of us fucking get it."

They don't say anything, which is probably for the better because nothing they would say would make this any better.

"You know, maybe there's just no fixing this?" I say after a while, throwing my hands in the air helplessly.

"Don't say that," Levi cuts in almost immediately, his eyes widening in alert.

"But it's true... instead of resolving our stupid fucking issues, I go around kissing those mates that kicked me out of the pack without... without even fucking questioning it!"

A silence follows, and when I look at Adrian, his eyes are fixed on Levi, "you kissed him?"

He sounds so appalled, I'm immediately offended.

"I kissed him," I bitch at him, just because I can, "got a problem with that?"

"I wanted to be his first kiss, you knew that!" he accuses Levi, completely ignoring me, just staring at Levi accusingly.

"I didn't agree with that!"

"But I said it first!"

"Are you seriously fighting about who was supposed to be my first kiss?" I explode, my tone sharp, eyes narrowed in disbelief.

"Yes!" they both answer at the same time, and I just stare at them, asking myself if this is really happening right now.

you guys really hated the

last chapter, huh?