twenty five

"Just let me see him, please," someone pleads outside the door, loud enough to wake me up from my small slumber.

"No."

"It's been three days-"

"I don't care."

"Well, I care! I care about him and I want to check on him!"

"Do you really fucking think I'll fall for that shit?" Tristan finally snaps at Levi, essentially waking me up completely and I rub my still-sore eyes while sighing tiredly.

It's been three days since my breakdown, but it might as well have been three hours because I still feel like utter shit.

I did eventually stop crying because I fell asleep. And that's what I did most of the time. Sleep, while Tristan was there every time I woke up, which made me want to cry all over again because I honestly don't deserve him.

To some extent, I just feel guilty for worrying him so much.

He's never left my side once if he wasn't in my room, he was either guarding my door, so o one could get in, or fixing me something to eat or drink, since I couldn't get a lot down.

Goddess, he must be exhausted.

That's ultimately why I call Tristan's name and tell him, that he should let Levi in.

"Are you sure?" he asks, worried, always worried, and I nod, because I know I can't keep going like this.

I mean, as long as it's not Adrian.

I'm not sure if I ever want to see him again.

"You should go get some sleep, I'll be fine," I tell him, even if I'm anything but fine. We still haven't spoken about my revelation, and I don't know if that's good or bad. It just keeps me on edge, knowing that someone knows about one of my biggest secrets. Probably my biggest secret. Not just probably.

"Rafael-"

"Please, Tristan. I feel bad enough for keeping you here for so long anyway."

He tries to protest again, but I give him a stern look, as stern as it can get with me feeling so damn numb, so he just sighs and nods slowly.

"I'll be back in a few hours."

"No. You seriously need to get some sleep, I won't let you in if you come back in less than 9 hours."

Just thinking about being alone in a house with my mates alone for nine hours makes me uncomfortable, but I don't let it show, instead urge Tristan out the door, and he does, with one last troubled look at me.

I can hear him whisper something to Levi, and although I can't make out what heÄ's sayiing, I can tell by his tone that it's not exactly pleasant.

If I felt anything, I would feel bad. But I don't. I think the crying just drained me of all my emotions. Expect guilt.

"Rafael?" Levi tentatively calls out my name, and I hum in acknowledgment, "are you sure I can come in?"

"Isn't that what you've been begging Tristan for, for the last three days?" I call back, and when the door opens hesitantly and I get a good look at his face, I'm taken aback.

Goddess, he looks worse than he did when he woke up in the hospital.

But by the look on his face, I don't even want to know what I look like.

"Hi," he whispers, and almost on instinct I whisper the same word back. He just has that stupid effect on me and I-

"I can't even begin to tell you how genuinely sorry I am, Rafael."

"Then don't," I grumble tiredly because I don't actually want to talk about this whole messed-up situation.

Should've thought about that before sending Tristan away. I regret it already.

A silence follows, and then he exhales, walking further into the room and when the bed dips, I look up at him a little baffled.

For a while he just sits there next to me, looking somewhere out the window, and I can almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

"I feel like all I've been doing is apologizing to you."

I don't argue, because I feel the same way. It's getting a little tiring.

"There are still so many things I should apologize for, which just makes me want to apologize more. It also makes me hate me more," he whispers the last words quietly, not even looking at me, instead playing with the fingers in his lap, and I can feel myself soften.

"That is no reason to hate yourself," I tell him, reaching for his hand, and squeezing it lightly, "please don't."

"How can I not?" he asks, and when he looks up, his bottom lip is quivering and his eyes are glassy.

"Levi-"

"No, no. Just let me say this. I hate myself for hurting you so much. Rafael, you're literally one of my favorite people on earth, you are everything I ever could've wished for in a mate, you're just you and you are the closest thing to perfect I know and I hate myself for ever making you believe otherwise. For hurting one of the best things that ever happened to me. You're just so-"

He can't even finish talking because a sob breaks through him, and my hold on his hand tightens because the last thing I want is seeing Levi cry.

It's one of the things I hate most in this world.

Levi is an emotional person, but he only cries when something is really hurting him, and has been bothering him for a long time.

Of course I want him to realize how much he hurt me and that he learns from his deeds, but he shouldn't hate himself because of it.

That's the last thing I want.

"I h-hate myself for abandoning you when were kids a-and I hate myself for not doing anything against Adrian's decision to... to ban you from the pack and I hate myself for not hugging and kissing you the moment I found out we were mates and I hate myself for never showing you how much I-I love you."

I was about to interrupt him, but at his last words, mine get stuck in my throat.

And he just continues.

"Because I do, I love you so much, I always have, I always will," he finishes, with tears rolling down his cheeks.

I just stare at him for a while before taking my hand away from his, shaking my head.

"Don't say that. You can't just say that if it's not... not fucking true and-"

"But it is. Don't you see my point? I hate myself for making you ever believe otherwise. For trying to make myself believe otherwise," he spits bitterly, whiping at his eyes furiously, and I just- for fucks sake, why would he just say that?

Why is he so, so... ugh.

"You're such an asshole," I tell him through gritted teeth, and more tears start to fall from his eyes.

If I would've left any tears I would've just cried with him.

"I know, I'm sorry, I'm so-"

I interrupt him by kissing him. Like, kissing kissing, right on the mouth, lips to lips, without even a moment of hesitation.

I'm kissing him and goddess, I think I've never felt more alive. When did I become such a romantic?

That's probably just the effect Levi has on me. On everyone, honestly.

But as soon as it began, it ends, when I notice he's not kissing me back and when I open my eyes, he's just staring at me, tears stopping abruptly and just sitting there stiff like a statue.

"Did you just?" his eyes are so big that for a moment I'm actually scared that they will fall out.

"Uh, yeah, so-"

This time he's the one interrupting me, exactly the same way I interrupted him, by kissing me.

I don't react for a moment, but my eyes close on their own and soon our lips are moving, and all I can think about how soft his lips are.

Even if the kiss is messy, and sloppy, because his face is still wet from his tears and I've never kissed anyone before and I don't what I'm doing, I would never wish for another first kiss.

When we break the kiss due to lack of air, our faces are still so close together that I see all his pale little freckles that I love so much and also the small spots in his green eyes that make them a thousand times more special and the small birthmark on his left cheek, below his eyes and I just- I realize again and again how pretty he is.

Too pretty to hate himself.

"Don't hate yourself," I whisper, tucking a loose strand of his dark blonde hair behind his ear. Of course, it doesn't stay there, his hair is a mess.

His face is flushed in such a pretty red, I can't help but put my hand on his cheek, swiping my thumb across the birthmark I just talked about, whipping away his leftover tears.

"I do, but I don't care. Because I love you," he blurts out again, and I just can't help the small raise of the corner of my mouth, even if I feel anything but like smiling.

"I will make it up to you and I will earn your forgiveness. And I will show you how loved you are."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," I tell him, but when I take my hand away from his face, he takes my face into his hands, making me look straight into his eyes. Beautiful eyes. Did I mention he has beautiful eyes?

"I can't promise to never hurt you again. But I promise I will make it up to you for the rest of our lives. And I'm gonna love you for the rest of our lives too, just so you know."

I wish I believed him, I really do, but the knock on my door is just reality check, a reminder as to why I don't and I can't.

"Rafael, can I please come in?"

mind = blown. didn't expect that. what do you think? is it too soon?