twenty

Adrian is out the door before Levi even finished his sentence which actually makes me laugh a little. A silence settles over us and I just stare off into space, my mind replaying the last 24 hours in my head.

"Rafael," Levi brings me back to reality out my name and when I look at him, he simply motions for me to sit down on the bed beside him.

After hesitating a little I do, facing him and watching him carefully.

The expression on his face makes it clear that something is bothering him and I let him take his time.

"I just-" he exhales shakily, uneasily and I almost reach for his hand, which lies a few inches away from mine, but I don't.

"I wish I could take everything back. I wish..." he trails off again, and I sigh, knowing that he's not good at expressing what he's feeling, my gaze flickering to the windows, into the deep forest outside.

"I think we all do..." I whisper, my gaze finding his again, "...wish for things to have gone differently, somehow."

A silence settles over us, but our eyes never waver from each other and when he reaches out to touch my cheek, I let him.

"You changed so much," he whispers, his voice soft, "so did Adrian and I, I suppose."

His fingers graze my chin softly, the movement bringing back the memory of the man in the woods. Those haunted eyes. I almost shudder, instead, I close my eyes for a second, wanting to just forget him.

The last two days were too much. I'm so tired.

I take Levi's hand away from my face, but don't let it go, instead softly intertwine my fingers with his, watching them. Somehow they fit together perfectly... somehow this seems like the only thing right now that makes just a little sense, even if it shouldn't. Even if it's the thing that hurts the most.

Maybe it's also the only thing that feels right. In some fucked-up way.

My wolf lets out a hum in agreement.

"If I could take away all the pain we caused you... I caused you, I would."

Stupidly enough, I believe him. I don't just believe him, I know he would.

"I was never a happy person, Levi," I whisper, and that's probably my only truth, "you just made life more bearable, brighter. But you're not responsible for my happiness, that was never your burden to carry."

"But I'm responsible for the pain. As if you didn't carry enough of that with you already," he whispers and his voice is hoarse, when I look up, a tear is rolling down his cheek and I immediately catch it with my thumb.

"We've already established this, Levi: no crying because of me."

"I'm not crying because of you, I'm crying for you, don't you see that?" he asks, his hand keeping mine on his cheek, leaning into it.

"You don't need to cry for me," I tell him, chuckling softly, a rather sad sound because of the ache in my chest.

When have things become so messy, so complicated?

I shake my head at my stupid question. They always have been.

"I do," he tells me, and the seriousness in his voice catches me by surprise but what surprises me, even more, is the closeness of our faces.

Fuck, when did that happen?

"Levi," I whisper, unsure why and he nods, his still teary eyes locking onto mine, encouraging me to continue. Continue with what, exactly?

Before anything can happen tho, the door busts open and Tristan walks into the room, his glare immediately setting on me, a relieved breath leaving his mouth.

"You reckless fool," he snaps at me, stalking towards me and because I have no way of escaping I just give up on it, surprised when he actually pulls me into a hug.

A hug. From Tristan.

"Oh. Oh wow. You do care about me!" I tease him and before he can remove his arms around me, I wrap mine around him as well and hug him back, my voice muffled when I apologize to him.

"I'm sorry for worrying you."

"You should be. Leaving packs land after an attack like that. Impulsive, stupid, idiotic-"

"I should mention that that's partly my fault. Although I do agree with you, and if this happens again, there will be consequences," Adrians voice fills the room and when I step away from Tristan, not without giving him a small teasing grin, I catch sight of him and Msr. Walsh.

"Partly your fault?" Tristan grumbles and Adrian has the decency to look remorseful.

"Hi, Mrs. Walsh," I greet my old doctor, trying to avoid a conflict between the two of them and she gives me a small smile while walking up to Levi.

"How's your wound doing?" she asks, pointing down to my abdomen.

"Oh, well, I actually forgot about it, to be completely honest," I tell her, and without thinking much about it, I reveal the scar, that's not the only one on my skin.

"Mhm, looks like it healed quite nicely."

Her attention is now given to Levi and when I catch Adrian looking at the reddish scar, I hastily pull down the shirt.

Idiot, this is not about me. Levi's in a much worse condition.

"So, where does it hurt, exactly?"

My mind drifts off after that and only then I seem to realize what was about to happen before.

Were we about to kiss?

*

"Alright, that's it. What the hell is going on in this stupid head of yours?"

Tristan asks after we left the hospital because Levi needed to rest and Adrian had to attend to his Alpha duties.

We decided to go to the woods and I've not spoken a word since, my head in the clouds.

"What?" I ask, confused, having kinda forgotten that he was even with me.

"What's going on?" he asks, this time a gentler in a gentler tone and I start feeling bad for worrying him so much in the last twenty-four hours.

That reminds me, as to why Tristan was one of the wolfs on the field, surrounded by the enemy at... 7 or 8 a.m.? I don't even remember anymore. Yesterday feels so far away now.

"Why were you out there, yesterday?" I ask him instead, hands buried in my pockets, walking alongside him, kicking on stones, stepping over roots and branches.

A look of something crosses his face, and I narrow my eyes at him, which he notices and he sighs, his question seemingly forgotten.

"I was having trouble sleeping," he admits, and I know there's more to come by the look in his eyes, but I let him take his time, let him decide if he wants to open up to me or not.

At one point he stops walking, to sit down on a fallen tree and I do the same, my legs straddling the wood, facing Tristan.

"It's a long story," he murmurs, picking the moss around us, "I found my mate when I was eighteen."

A smile adorns his face, a bittersweet one, and I'm not sure I'm ready for what's about to come.

In the last two years, we lived with each other, we found more comfort in each other than we probably expected, but neither of us shared the reason as to why we got kicked out of the pack.

Small bits here and there, mostly after waking up from nightmares, but never the whole story. Ever.

"Did you know Alpha Cedric had a younger sister?"

I nod because Adrian once mentioned something about an Aunt he couldn't really remember bit Alpha Cedric talked about a lot. At that realization, an unsettling feeling makes its way into my chest.

"As fate would have it, she was my mate," he whispers and he sounds so different from the Tristan I've gotten to know the last two years, my heart aches for him.

I don't say anything, all I do is reach out for his hand to squeeze it once, briefly.

"She was five years younger than Alpha Cedric, two years younger than me. I was always a loner, even back then, but because I wanted it that way, not because the people didn't try to talk to me, include me. One of the only people I sort of liked spending my time with was Alpha Cedric. He never seemed to mind my brooding character, never minded my silence either. That's why he invited me to his sister's 18th birthday party."

Another pause and I know there are probably coming up so many memories right now.

"She was everything I ever wanted and more," there's a but coming, "but that's not the life she wanted."

"She didn't like the idea of mates, thought it was old-fashioned and forced us to be with people we didn't want to be with. I even agreed with her in some aspect, but that didn't change the fact I was totally smitten by her. Not because of the mate bond, because she was the most incredible person I've ever met in my entire life. I loved her, from the bottom of my heart, I truly did but... she didn't believe me. And then she left. To live a life away from everything connecting her to her werewolf life. Away from her family, friends, the pack... me."

"Tristan..." I whisper, not knowing what to say, because simply saying sorry would never be enough to show him how sorry I am.

When he looks at me, there are tears in his eyes and I automatically slide closer to him, putting my arm around him hesitantly and when he doesn't protest, I let my head fall onto his shoulder, I'm hoping for some kind of comfort.

"I didn't want to give her up, not like that. I knew that she felt something for me too, but blamed the mate bond for that. Maybe it was just the bond, but I felt it and I was determined to get her back. That didn't end well," he chuckles bitterly, "she rejected me. And she left her current town immediately. This time, for good."

My heart squeezes painfully in my chest and I don't want to imagine the pain he went through, the pain he felt while it happened.

"I don't need to tell you the details, but when I came back to the pack, I changed. I just... completely shut myself off. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks, didn't tell her family what happened, didn't even realize it myself until me and Cedric got into a big fight."

"It started out calm... I mean, as calm as we could be in a situation like this. Soon though, we started blaming each other, saying things we didn't even mean. It escalated quickly and both of us shifted. You know that wolfs can... go feral when rejected. Mine luckily didn't, but as you know, I don't always have control over him. I didn't at all for months after the rejection. You can imagine the rest. The day after I left the pack on my own accord, when the doctors told me that I put Cedric in a coma."

I let the information settle in, realizing that we share more similarities than I thought possible, than I wanted us to share. Because I know his pain. I feel his pain, every day. Maybe my mates didn't reject me and I hope I'll never have to feel that kind of pain but I know the guilt he's feeling, the betrayal, the self-doubt.

"At the time he had a one year old son, leaving his mate alone to deal with a their child, leaving his pack without Alpha and the young Luna and Beta to deal with it alone... for three whole months. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself," he whispers, and that's when the tears start flowing, inaudibly, without any sounds.

That's what brings tears to my eyes, because silent pain is often the most painful one. I just hold him, wrap my other arm around him too, secure them around him in a tight embrace.

"Yesterday Cedric confronted me about it, told me that he doesn't blame me for it. That he was the one that provoked my reaction, that he should've known not to spur me on like that, not after just being rejected. How can he even say that? How can he not blame me for it, Rafael? How?" he asks looking at me, searching for an answer in my eyes, one he can't find.

A silence settles over us. Hesitantly I speak up, after his tears stopped flowing and he's just staring at the ground helplessly.

"Tristan, if he doesn't blame you for it... don't you think, you shouldn't either?"