Chapter 17

Rhainne Jhammira Alethea Lopez

"Stop the car!"

"I said stop the car"

"What now Lopez"- she said na para bang ubos na ubos na ang pasensya niya sakin

Lasing e. I stillwater feel dizzy but damn I'm being reckless because of that fucking alcohol that I drunk.

"You're going to visit that same person you visited last time, when you're drunk. Now you're drunk again"- she said in a low tone so hindi ko masyadong narinig my mind was so occupied. Iniisip ko lang siya, siya lang. I get out of the car and pumunta sakanya

I felt the warmth of liquid trickling down my cheeks, a tangible reminder of my vulnerability. Each drop seemed to echo the weight of unspoken words and unresolved emotions. I closed my eyes, letting the sensation wash over me, both painful and emotionally hurting. At this moment, I was reminded that sometimes, the heart needs to bleed before it can heal.

I sank to my knees at his tomb, longing for the warmth of his presence. No words escaped my lips; only tears flowed freely, each drop a testament to my heartache.

"Four years have passed, and I still find myself questioning where home is without him. Each day feels like wandering through a maze, lost in memories and yearning for a sense of belonging."- I said knowing that my professor was on my side only intensified my internal struggle. How could I possibly let her see my vulnerable side? I despised myself for feeling this way, especially when it came to him.

This place felt like home ever since he entered my life. But when he leaves, that warmth fades, and I'm left drowning in my own thoughts, lost in the silence. If I could only be with you.

"Who is he?" she asked, her curiosity evident in her voice.

Siya lang naman ang taong una at huli kong minahal sa loob ng apat na taon, mga salitang gusto kong sabihin sa aking propesor but I can't. I shouldn't open these pages.

"Miss Presley, can I be with him?" I found myself asking, my heart racing and my mind a whirlwind of uncertainty.

"Are you out of your mind? Do you really think your Ate and family would stand by and watch you like this? Look at him-do you think he'd want you to be miserable in this world? I can guarantee he'd be furious seeing you live this way. It's been four years. Why not let go? Let it go, Lopez. The world didn't end for you four years ago."

Her words struck me like a punch to the gut, leaving me speechless. She was right. I shouldn't be living like this, shackled by my past. Everyone knows me as the strong one, yet here I was, drowning in my own sorrow.

Love, pwede bang umusad na ako? Hindi na traffic

Alam kong dapat matagal ko ng ginawa yan. Pero wala akong lakas ng loob na mag patuloy ng wala siya. How stupid of me

"But I can't live if living is without him"

___

"I think we should head home. It's getting late" the professor said, breaking the silence that had settled between us. She allowed me to cry, but now I felt a wave of hating myself wash over me for showing weakness yet again.

Habang kami ay nasa biyahe, tahimik lamang ako, at ganon din siya. Matapos ang mga pangyayari kanina sa sementeryo, tila naubos ang aking lakas para makipag-usap. The alcohol I drank felt like it vanished, maybe because I fucking cried for almost an hour. Why did I cry in front of her? Samantalang ang mga kaibigan ko ay hindi ako nakitang umiyak but siya? Oh gosh I hope I didn't regret this.....again. Parang halos lahat pa naman ng ginagawa ko ay puro pagkakamali

As we pulled up to my house, a familiar sense of comfort washed over me. Bigla kong naramdaman lahat ng pagod. I want to rest already. Masyado na akong pagod physically, emotionally and mentally

"Thank you sa paghatid Miss Presley and pwede niyo naring kalimutan yung nangyari kanina. I'm very sorry for disturbing you and wasting your time watching that tomb."- sabi ko at binigyan na lamang siya ng mapait na ngiti. How can it be genuine again?

I felt guilty though. I wasted her time watching me cry. Damn this life.

"I guess the bad bitch they all saw was just a facade. But this is your car, Lopez. I don't even have one since I drive you home" she said with a smirk. "Guess I should've mentioned that's actually my car."

"Dito na lang po kayo matulog Miss Presley. Siguro ay mamaya pa darating ang mga kaibigan ko"- pag aya ko dito na siya namang kinatango niya. She really is beautiful even though my eyes are puffy and blurry at the same time. How could I possibly not saw it earlier, I didn't noticed how beautiful she is.

___

"Ano pong gusto niyo? Coffee, Milk, Tea or Water?"- tanong ko habang nag prepared ng almusal namin.

"Just coffee for me," she said, scanning the room. "Where are your friends? Aren't they coming over for breakfast?"

"They'll be going down any minutes Miss"- sagot ko naman

Pag si Miss Presley talaga kausap ko napapasabak ako sa Englishan buti nalang at laking America ako.

"Here they are"

Habang tinitignang bumaba ang tatlo na halata mong masakit ang ulo, yan inom pa. Sasabihin nanaman nila na hindi na sila iinom ulit

"Where did you go kagabi?"- bungad ni Rayla saakin na ngayon ay nakaupo na, bilis naman non mag lakad kanina lang nasa hagdan pa sila ah

"Somewhere," I murmured, the echoes of last night flooding back. Damn it, the pain flashes back, a sharp reminder of why memories can cut so deep. Pati na rin ang kahihiyan ko. I fucking cry in front of her

Pilitin mang limutin ang lahat laging may nag papaalaa.

"It's the weekend today. Ulan, can we go see him?" Amrielle's words made me pause. Where did I suddenly find the courage last night?

"Kung gusto mo sumama saamin pwede naman" dagdag ni Rayla sa sinabe ni Amrielle. Kaya ko ba? of course I do nagawa ko nga kagabi diba

"The world-your world-no longer revolves around him, Ulan. It's time to let go. You've suffered for four long years, and we both know it." Jenaiah's voice was steady, unyielding, unaware of Miss Presley's presence as she delivered the truth. Masasabe ko nalang masyado silang masakit mag salita. Sinasampal talaga nila saakin ang katotohanan, sa harap pa mismo ng Professor namin.

"Tsk. Stop it, Jenaiah. I'm fine. I really am," I said, trying to brush off her concern. "You don't need to keep reminding me that it's already been four years. I'm sorry about them, Miss Presley."

I glanced at our professor, who was absorbed in her breakfast but still attentive to our conversation. Her eyes flicked up, a mixture of understanding and sympathy in her gaze. Where's her cold personality now? Tila nawala ang masungit at walang emosyon nitong mata

Jenaiah sighed, her expression torn between worry and frustration. "You can't just pretend it doesn't hurt, you know. We're here for you."

I forced a smile, but the ache in my chest felt heavier than ever. "You know that I'm okay Jenaiah. Let's stop talking about it"

Miss Presley set her fork down, her attention now fully on us. "It's okay to feel, you know. Emotions don't have a timeline. But if you need to talk-" bakit ba biglaan nalang siyang nagiging concern? It's so odd para hindi siya or should I say parang hindi siya yung kilala kong Miss Celine Claire Presley

"Miss Presley, please," I interrupted, my voice sharper than intended. "I don't need to talk. I just want to eat peacefully. Tsaka tapos na po yon"

A silence settled over the table, thick with unspoken words and unresolved feelings. Jenaiah opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off again, desperate to steer the conversation away from the past.

"So Anong nangyari sainyo kagabi? Paano kaayo nakauwi?"

Jenaiah looked at me, a mix of concern and determination in her eyes. I knew she wouldn't let it go, but for now......I needed to keep the walls up, at least until I was ready to let someone in. Am I? Ayokong manggamit ng ibang tao para lang makalimutan siya.

Kahit naman napakasama ko hindi naman ako ganon kawalang puso para manggamit ng tao no

"Si Prof Alvares talaga nag hatid samin te, ang bait talaga niya. Crush ko na yon si prof"- sabi ni Rayla, baliw talaga porket mahilig sa matanda. Pero muka pa namang bata si Prof Alvares pero bata pa naman talaga siya kasi sa pag kakaalam ko kasing edad niya si Ate. Ate was 26 so yeah 7 years is our age gap.

Minsan hindi ko na maintindihan kung pinaglololoko nalang ba kami ni Rayla or hindi e.

"Mahilig sa gurang!"- asik ni Amrielle na nang aasar nanaman. Mamaya mag aaway nanaman silang dalawa

"Atleast di ako tirador ng senior high"- rebat ni Rayla. Potek lala talaga neto mang realtalk

"Hoy namemersonal kana na!"

"Hoy ginantihan ko lang yang kasamaan ng ugali mo!"- kala mo siya hindi masama ugali e

We all are

"Masama rin ugali mo! Tsaka cute kaya ng mga babae sa senior high building. Diba Ulan? May bet kana ba do-"- fuck this, bigla bigla nalang nag sasabe ng kung ano ano. Nabulunan tuloy ako sa gulat. Do I look interested in girls?. As far as I know I am straight, but bendable if it's Miss Presley—what's this thinking again Rhainne? Oh gosh since when did I learned things like this

"Shut up and just eat peacefully pupunta pa tayo kay Kyler"- pagpapaalala ko sa mga to kasi mukang nakalimutan nila.

Gulat

Bakas sa mga muka nila ang gulat, except kay Miss Presley na tahimik lang at kumakain at tila wala nanamang pakealaman sa mga nangyayari. Pero yung tatlo gulat na gulat at nakaawang pa ang bunganga, pasukan sana ng langaw

“D-did you just say his name?” Amrielle stuttered, her voice shaking with an intensity that caught everyone off guard. It was clear that his name held a weight far heavier than anyone realized. What a heavy name it is.

"What? It's his name yun naman talaga ang tawag sakanya"- sagot ko sakanya, alam ko ang bagay na gusto niyang marinig saakin.

"Wala naman, it's just new for us na marinig na tawagin mo siya ulit ng ganon"- masaya ngunit bakas rin ang lungkot sa boses niya. Ang dalawa naman ay tahimik na lang din.

Bibisitahin ko siya kasabay ng pag-usad ko but I still won't forget that man who killed him.

___

"Hi Kyler"

"Preeee"

"Ky"

Sabay na sabi ng tatlo habang tinitignan si Kyler

Kyler Ahren Salvini

2003-2020

In cherished remembrance.

Kasama parin namin ngayon si Miss Presley, ewan ko rin bakit siya kasama dito. Ayaw niya pang ihatid namin siya sa bahay niya e kaya sinama nalang  namin siya dito.

I let out a heavy sigh, the weight of longing pressing on my chest. I miss him deeply, but the gap between us feels impossible to bridge.

Bakit kasi anlayo mo?

As I approached him, a sharp pain pierced my chest. I struggled to keep my emotions in check, fighting back the tears and the sobs threatening to escape. Ano nga ba ulit ang emosyon na to?

I want to be fucking numb.

"Kelan kaya titigil yung sakit ng pag iwan mo?"- bulong ko sa hangin. I make sure ba walang makakarinig ng sinabe ko

After that I didn't say anything.

Hinayaan ko nalang ang tatlo na makipag usap kay Kyler. I just watch them from a far bukod sa ayokong marinig ang sasabihin nila kay Kyler ay ayoko rin makita na umiiyak sila cause it's making me change my mind. Nahihirapan ako lalong tanggapin na wala na talaga siya.

_____

After 2hrs nag sawa na ata ang tatlo at bumalik na sa kotse. I was left here, not alone dahil nasa likod ko si Miss Presley. Hindi ba siya napapagod? if I were her kanina pa ako umuwi.

"Ahren....."- mahinang sabi ko na tila wala nanaman akong lakas

"I miss you. I'm miss your presence. I miss your laugh. I miss your hug. I miss your smile. I miss your eye. I miss everything about you." I tried to stop my tears fromm falling again

Why I am so vulnerable when it comes to you? Again and again.

"I have to go now, mi amore. My future is waiting for me. Matagal rin akong nanirahan sa lugar kung saan ako'y iyong iniwan. Nanatili ako doon sa pag aakalang hindi ko na kayang mag patuloy pa but I was wrong. Really wrong about that. Uusad na ako mahal ko. Aalis na ako sa lugar kung saan mo ako iniwan, iniwan mong luhaan. Bye now My Love"- I said and bidded a good bye

Yeah right my future is definitely waiting for me.

I wanna be free. Gusto ko na makalaya sa masalimuot na nakaraan.