67. Painful Memories

Chapter Soundtrack:

Down Like Silver - Wolves

(Swipe to right, above, 2 see the video)

Hallo!

You get a double update Sunday thanks to AdlynSmith per her request!

Happy birthday, friend!!!

The other chapter will be posted later on today. Read the a/n at the bottom for the time.

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This amazing cover up abovewas made for me by WolfeeAlert ! I love it so much!

At the end of this book, we will have

A cover voting from all the covers

That have been sent to me

And some that ive made myself

But i need to keep the original

For now until the book is complete

So readers do not get confused :)

Thank you so much!

You did an amazing job!!

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Nova

Dark clouds above, billowed in the grey sky as the cool breeze whipped my hair around my face. No sunshine this early morning as the trees swayed back and forth, the wind picking up slightly, a chill running down my spine.

Pulling my jacket tighter around me, my eyes blurred as i kneeled beneath the weeping willow and tried to focus on the image in front of me.

A large tombstone. Dark granite with heading,

Deacon James Stone

Third born Alpha blood

Beloved son and friend

b. February 22, 1998

d. 2016

They hadnt put the date because the pack voted when Blake was weak, that seeing as his mind wasnt right.. they didnt exactly know when he had died.. not in his mind anyway. I thought that was horrible. Wolves could be horrible.

I  sniffled as i huddled into myself, the weather always so bipolar in the south. He was only seventeen.  Still so much to discover....

My emotions ran forth as i recalled the day of his death. Deacon. The night Penelope helped me sneak him out after being locked down in the cellar. I had felt a weight lift from my shoulders until Zaryn had discovered him.. killing him by snapping his neck with a crazed look in his eyes.

I had never hated Zaryn for what he had done to me but that night, i did. I hated him. My skin side did anyways.

Then i discovered the truth...

That Deacon was the monster.  Not Zaryn..

I hadn't dealt with this. I hadn't wanted to. I was only forced to now because i thought it would be a good idea to go on a walk early this morning after resting for a full day yesterday, clear my head. Go to the top of the waterfall.. my favorite place.

And there it was.

Deacon's grave.

Why did they bury him here? Why not the pack cemetery? Why in my special place?

Well, it was our special place.

Tears rolled down my cheeks in hot trails as my heart clenched. I lifted a hand, gently brushing fingertips down the smooth polished granite, over his name as i kneeled by his grave under our favorite tree.

My eyes darted to the tree trunk.

D & N

Bff&a

2008

We were only ten then.

"Why. Why Deacon?" My whispered words were carried away by the cool breeze as i cried. A sob broke out of my chest as i fell forward over my knees, my fist pounding the ground.

"Why did you have to love me? Why did you have to be..  so.. so fuxked up in the head!? Why!?" I was a crying mess, nothing feminine in the way i sobbed. I didnt feel my strong self in this moment. My wolf.. she had only felt saddened at losing her pack member. But nothing more. She couldn't understand this.

Taking a deep breath, i remembered who i was now. I couldn't have an emotional breakdown. Im supposed to be this warrior female. Its expected of me... being Luna and all.

If thats what i wanted.

Righting myself I leaned against the head stone, absentmindedly tracing it. "I hated finding out what you did. What you have done all these years. The wolf you really were. It broke my heart Deacon. How.. how could you do those things to other females? To your own mate?" It was whispered into the granite as if i were really talking to him.

Maybe he would be looking down from the moon or wherever he was. Watching me. Listening to me.

"You were my best friend.. i ... i feel so stupid for being so blind to the wolf you really were.. how? How could i have been so dumb?" I wiped my puffy red eyes furiously on my sleeves, this was so much to deal with.

Imagine your best friend. In the entire world. One who is always there for you.. who loves you no matter what. Then imagine that person lived a double life, raping and taunting someone of the opposite sex for fun. Because they wanted to be with you.. disvovering they killed their mate, their moon given gift because they were angry. They were angry because having their mate meant they couldn't get to you.

Empty is how i felt when i thought about Deacon. Blind. Naive. Dumb. Im all those things and yet im broken inside as well. I haven't healed from this. Ive made myself stronger on the outside... fixed my heart as much as i could. Thought about Zaryn.

But the one thing holding me back truly was this. Deacon.

Leaves being crushed in the distance alerted me to someones arrival.. leering around, i made out a figure coming through the shadows of the trees, surrounded by a darkness from the ominous clouds in the sky.

"Nova? Is that you?" The voice called.  Male. Familiar.

"Blake?" I wiped my face again, taking a shaky breath as he came out of the trees, looking so different from what i remembered.

He looked.... like a regular wolf now. Still muscular.. but the worry lines that had surrounded his face once upon a time were gone. He seemed... happy.

He walked over to me, his blue eyes reminding me of Deacon in some ways. "I heard you were back. You've changed.  A lot." He gave me a gentle smile, sinking to the ground beside me, his eyes cutting to the tombstone.. his sons tombstone.

"Yeah. I guess we all have to change at some point." My words were soft as i studied him, expressionless.

Zaryn had told me the night before last, when we were together, that he had banned his father from pack life.. moving him across the lake to his old cabin.. only letting him train and attend a function he had to be invited to personally. But Blake seemed content.

His blue eyes lingered on the granite stone, a sadness in them. "I loved Deacon. I know you did too. And... despite the insanity he suffered... he loved you too." His eyes met mine. "I would have never let him around you if i had known what he was capable of. But Deacon would never have hurt you. You seemed to be the only person he could be.. normal around. Aside from the night he was poisoned, had he ever scared you?" He rose a brow, ginuinely curious.

I focused on the bold words engraved  on the stone. "No. He never gave me and inclination. I feel so.. blind. How did I not see his true self? How.. how could he do those.. things?" I cringed.

Blake sighed, "Nova.. Deacon was ill yes. But maybe you never saw him as anything but a good wolf because you made him better."

My jaw dropped.  "He had a shrine to me! He raped and murdered his own mate, Blake! How could that have been better?" I deadpanned him.

His lips pursed, "Trust me i know, Nova" he gave me a knowing glance.  "I know what it feels like to find out the ugly truth about someone you trusted.  Believe me." That far away look in his eyes let me know he wasnt just talking about Deacon.

"I just mean..." his gaze met mine, "look, i know you are tore up about this. About thinking of all the things he has done.. the things he was capable of.. but.. I've learned the hard way that you dont need to think about those, Nova. You cant. It will ruin you if you linger on those thoughts."

How can you not think about something like that?

My brows furrowed. "I cant not think about what he has done Blake!" It was whisper-shouted, the pain in my heart that i had not felt in a long while, it was returning. "Everytime i think about him, i think about the things he has done." My voice was low.. mind rewinding to that time..

"Nova." He took my shaking hand... "I know Zaryn was a big part of why you left.. of why you hurt. But... would you have left if Deacon wasnt in trouble?"

Chewing my lower lip, i thought about it.

Yes. I wanted to leave because of Zaryn and Grace. I did. But what made me really do it was knowing that i could save Deacon. I couldnt understand at the time why Blake was ignoring  the fact he had been poisoned when he did what he did to me... only to find out he knew something else his son had done that i did not.

I realised just then, if Deacon hadn't been in trouble.. i probably would have still left eventually.. but i wouldnt have done it like i did. I wouldn't have just up and ran away.

"Yes. I would have left still.  But i wouldnt have left that night." I admitted, dropping my gaze to my jeans. "Zaryn had hurt me pretty badly. My wolf wanted to kill his pup. I had to get away Blake. I had to. But... i think... if Deacon werent in trouble.. i would have done it differently. I would have asked for help. From my parents and you.. to find me somewhere to go. My wolfs hunger for that pup scared me but Deacon's ultimate demise scared me more i think." Admitting it... it made me feel horrible to say i worried more over Deacon than my wolf killing that pup. I couldnt live with mysef if she did something like that but.. i wouldnt have run away so quickly.. and Zaryn wouldn't have killed Deacon.. He wouldn't have lost his mind with losing his pup and his mate. He wouldn't have attempted suicide. But he also wouldn't have trained and beome the wolf he is today. He wouldn't be Alpha.

Deacon on the other hand.. he would still be dead. He still committed a crime. Zaryn wouldnt have let that go.

The moon makes everything happen for a reason it seems.

"See? You cared for Deacon. And he cared for you too Nova." Blake rubbed my knuckles with his thumb in a comforting way. "Thats why i put him up here. He loved this spot.. he would always talk about this place, how he shared it with you." He peered over at the tree. "I dont think you have healed fully yet because you haven't conquered your feelings about Deacon. Not Zaryn. I think you know what you want when it comes to him.. but your feelings about Deacon and how he died.. you havet come to terms with them yet." His lips pursed.

Thinking on it... he may be right.

When i came to conrads, i trained to push it all away. I never thought about my life here. But the moment i did, it was wolves telling me i needed to contemplate how i felt about Zaryn.  I was forced to realise those feelings when I became jealous over another male who was only my dear friend and nothing more. So assuming it was Zaryn, i defaulted.. still brushing Deacon to the side. Never thinking about what happened.. or talking about it.

Yes i became stronger but i never healed. Because of this.

I craned my head his way, "How am i supposed to feel about him." My eyes watered but the tears never fell. "Look what he did!" I rasped loudly, my chest heaving.

I watched as he closed his eyes, inhaling.  "The reason.. that i hid his crimes and led on with his crime against you.. knowing he would be challeged and killed.. was one because i knew he deserves his demise. Being a father amd Alpha its a hard decision to make. But, two, was for your benefit. Because i knew it would break you to know of his.. other side. And it did."

I stared at him, bewildered.as my dark hair was strewn past mt face in the wind. He peered down at me, his gazed . "Dont remember the bad things about him Nova. It will drive you mad." He peered off in the distance. "Trust me i know. You have to think about the side you knew him to be. The good side. Either that or you will hurt. I know its hard Nova. But you cant let these unanswered questions keep his memory tarnished in your eyes. You wont ever be the same id you do." He whispered the end, not meeting my gaze, letting me know he was speaking from his own dealings with his son.

Wise words.

I shook my head in frustrarion. "I dont know how. They cloud my mind." Tugging at my hair, i rocked slightlt with a grimace.

Suddenly a soft side smile tugged at his lips as he glanced down at me. "By remembering the best times.  Talk to him. Dont see him for what he was. See him for what he was to you." His deep melancholy tone made me realise something..

I had to forgive Deacon.

Though he was six feet under the ground beside me.. I hadn't forgiven him. Not really.

Forgiveness was something i was learning that the moon was trying to teach me.. along with righting the sins of all these wolves.

Maybe i could never go back to the female i once was.. but i could find peace in this. I could find peace with Deacon.

"Thank you Blake." I smiled to myself, staring at the place Deacon's body lie to rest. "I'll try."

------

On my way back to my parents home, my boots crunching sticks as i hiked down the side of the mountain, i became nervous.

I had spent too much time talking to Blake and the wolves would be up before long.. I knew i would have to deal with this Luna business soon but as of now, i wanted to deal with my business.

Deacon.. what Blake had said.. can i really not think about all those horrible things? Killing ones mate.. especially the way he did.. for me. I felt horrible over it. It made me sick to think i let those hands hold me, never knowing exactly when he had killed his mate. Had he touched my hand soon after?

It made my skin crawl to think that.

Silently i prayed to the moon that she would give the me the strength and ability to forgive. Ive forgiven so many.

I can try to forgive Deacon too.

Its what Lunas do right?

Luna....

The word alone made me feel nauseous.

I have still yet to speak to Zaryn after our... night together. And he has given me the space.

After mine and Zaryn's little 'reunion', the one that left me incapacitated for all of yesyerday, I had finally been able to move around this morning.

I arrived here the night before last. Had wild animal sex with my long lost mate, slept in his bed... only to sneak out before he awoke. Before the entire pack would awake. It was difficult to walk but i managed to avoid the walk of shame, gingerly limping out of the pack house and to my parents home early yesterday morning.

Something inside me just didnt want to stay there and endure his fretting over me.. the awkwardness of it.

I felt bad considering we shared such a heart wrenching moment after the entire ordeal of breaking his room apart, so i had left him a note on my pillow.

Zaryn,

Dont worry. I didnt leave. Im at my parents. Sorry.. i just didnt want to worry them by staying in your bed all day and perhaps i wanted to keep a little bit of my dignity from the pack- even though im sure they heard us.. I'm not good with dealing with emotions yet, but im trying. We will talk soon. I need to heal first. Ill come to you soon.

Always,

Nova

I spared him the details of how i would have felt awkward even though i shouldnt. He is my mate and we have done much more before...

But everything is so different for me now.. and my emotions are still not in check, as in, i havent dealt with them. I've been storing them away. I dealt with so much when Grace was pregnant.. from the back and forth with Zaryn to the requests of his father wanting us seperated.... then Deacon attacking me. Him being killed before my eyes, thinking my mate was a monster. My heart was the one thing that always broke inside me and i admit i havent dealt with it.

I took the advice of a 38 year old widowed Alpha and bottled it up, feeling pain so i wouldnt have to feel that pain. It was stupid of me but it worked. He would dr. Phil me but not about deep things... not about my thoughts on Zaryn and Deacon.. Looking back, Conrad wasn't in touch with his emotional side as it was. hence him rejecting the pup he raised as his..

i need to sort my head out.

I will talk to Zaryn. I will. Im just... nervous i guess. I felt my heart beat again when i was with him that night.. our conversation, afterwards. It brought tears to my eyes to hear the words from the mouth that had done sweet and punishing things to me..

I dont even know how the pack feels about me since i left..

So that morning i slipped out and went to my parents,  to my old room where everything would always be the same. I showered the best i could with my legs not working properly and laid in bed for the remainder of the day.. not wanting to move because my insides were pretty tore up, i wont lie.

My mom came to check on me when she smelled my scent in the house.. she had a knowing smirk on her face at which i just rolles my eyes.

"Honey its perfectly natural for you and your mate to have a physical relationship.  You're not a little pup anymore. You're mated and you're a Luna. At such a young age. The youngest known in history ... though you'll always be my pup and you've only been a shifting wolf for a little over a year, youre still a grown female. Theres no reason to hide the fact you were with Zaryn last night." She gave me a pat on my leg with a giant grin, "here. Drink this tea. It will... heal you. Your father and I had a pretty memorable mating and i was on bed rest for quite a few days." She had sighed.

Used to i would have blanched and blushed all at once but this time i just smiled. I was happy to see my family.

She giggled as i took the mug from her hand with a thanks.

"Besides.  You are a warrior now. Not so little anymore. But Nova? Listen to Zaryn.. let him talk to you more about things.  Hes been crazy without you. Give hime a chance. Hes changed. Sometimes i think for the worst but hes slowly getting better and with you, i know you can heal him."

My brows had furrowed. "What do you mean he changed for the worst?"

A look of pity crossed her features. "You dont know that part... he... well after he began to train.. to keep his sanity.. he sort of.. snapped. No wolf could be around him because of all the agression. He killed three challengers just because they challenged him. He had intimidated the pack immensly but they are beginning to respect him more and more. You being here is icing on the cake." She smiled sadly.

That had me confused. I heard about the challenges from Zaryn himself but..

Zaryn seemed completely.. normal last night .

Because it was us. My wolf was telling me.

Once mom had retreated out the door, i had heard my dad come into the hallway and they spoke breifly. I cringed at her telling him i was with Zaryn last night and needed a day to myself. That he should wait to see me. Give me my privacy.

Damnit i may be a lot of things, but confident in my sexual life when it comes to my parents and those that surround me isnt one of them.

A sexual relationship with your mate is a private thing in my eyes.

That whole day, i rested in bed, left to my own devices.

Once this morning had come, i felt so much better. I was able to walk properly without seeming i had been drilled into walls, a desk and a matress.

Those thoughts had my mind flittering to past times with Zaryn when it had been so different. He was different. He wasnt so boyish anymore despite the time not being but six months.. no.

Now.. now he was a grown male.. picking me up with dominance.. making me feel vulnerable shy and small..

Where is the warrior side of me when i need it?

As i scurried past the pack house, running back to my parents house with stealth, I looked around noticing the lights on in the room Zaryn slept in on the third floor. I prayed he didnt see me.

I will talk to him. I will.

But first i need to spend some time with my family. I had yet to see Nic and guilt was eating away at me for it.

He needed his not so little sister.

Id go to him first..

Then maybe i would be brave enough to face Zaryn for that talk.

After a little strenuous training.

Its been a few days since ive had a good training.. muscle goes away quicker than its made. I dont want that to happen. If i want to remain the warrior ive become.. i needed to keep my stamina up.

But i doubt my mate will let me train seeing as my heat is only days away and my scent is maddening.

I'll have to remember to drink my tea once i finish my shower...

Flushing as i came through the front door of my parent's home, the warm smell of clove bringing me back, i breifly  wondered what would transpire on this heat.

The last one left me with disappointment. Would i want him to even service me this time? Or would i rather stay unconscious for it?

I think the latter is the best bet.

I didnt want any pups right now, as i dont know where we stand and i want to take things slow if in fact he can be the wolf i need him to be. But there are always other.. ways to ensure a female doesn't become pregnant after a heat.

But Im still scared of him breaking my heart again because i cant take it. But something inside is telling me he wont.

We are mates now.

"Time to put your big girl panties on, Nova." I sighed as i climbed the stairs to my room.

Dun dun dun!

Okay a bit of a filler chap but i needed those emotions conveyed for the ending results.

My ending is still kind of up in the air. I have it written out but im feeling like one more bad thing to happen before the good. I dunno. Hmmmmm

Not with our mains tho.

Savage Nova is about to come out on the training field btw *makes really atrocious giggle that sounds like a dying cow*

Next chapter, a double update! Will be posted in the A.M. seeing right now its 12.40 am in alabama, usa , U.S. central time, its considered the 23rd so.. yay! We will have the other chapter posted by around 4pm U.S. central

So it's  still a double chapter! Hahaa see what i did there?

We still gotta see whats happening to Nic so stay tuned! Eeeek

And Eden.  Oh my. :D heheheh

Xoxo

Chilee